Darn gnat!!
darn gnat!!..it's that time of year..when they fly around everywhere, apparently..i recently came across four states, and there they were in everyone of them..now..there is one in the room with me and i have the door shut, as not to keep lil katie awake, well, not so lil, she is recently 13, but, needs her sleep for school tomorrow.
cant sleep. havent been able to sleep very much for months now, first it was being afraid of being molested in the dark, when i was drugged out of my mind to sleep, and now, it is because i havent a clue on how to pay for my medicine..heck, if i quit taking it...that would take care of the whole problem right there...but, i dont know if i have the courage to face death, and a painful one at that...man, when, that pain starts kickin in, i am like an animal in a trap, wanting to gnaw off a body part..oh, and by the way, since my breakdown, i have had a personality change..isnt that delightful?..i dont know who i am anymore, i am completely lost..i talk to myself a lot, and dont talk to or much about anything. a lot going on in the mind though, a lot of really drastic thought. i am tired and weary, and i pray of course, and God, has provided, oh, yes He has. but, i am not so kind, nor, as clear thinking. rather muddled. and a lot confused.
katie had been to her father's for about 48 hours and brenda her mother, said she was going to go get her...she said i am going to go pick up katie..i said to myself..katie?...katie..hmmmm..that name sounds familiar..who do i know named katie?..yep..that's right..dementia 101...or alzheimers..crap..i don't know...and for that matter who cares?..right?...sigh ...sigh..and more sighs...lost some faith folks, since my last post...been hard, and many lonely nights, of crying..finally, since i had not been able to cry for months, then now, i cant shut off the water works, Lord, i thought i had cried in the past enough to fill an ocean, in the never ending story of tragedy in my life, but, nope, i hadn't, still, crying another ocean...well, eventually, it will even out..or i will just stop breathing, and then the tears will stop..i like that earlier post i made about a shattered heart, that is tiny twinkling bits of cosmic dust..i like that image..ahhh ever the romantic..that's me...shattered that's me.
ok, this is rambling a whole lot..and the crux here is loss...still cant manage it, dont cope well with it, and am a miserable failure at accepting it. LOSS....crap..LOSS...ok..LOSS of life..is good...i mean the breathing kind..i mean stopping breathing..and taking a last breath..and resting...that appeals...it is VERY appealing. i am tired, tired tired...did i say tired?..yep..tired.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok, folks, it isn't because i am not thankful to God, that He gave me 2 wonderful young friends to rescue me from a bad situation, like a roof over my head, but, also, they love me..i love them, and so?..truth is, i am..and will be a financial burden on them and to them..this will never do. they still have a 13 year old to raise..Clark, has a mental illness..and draws disability...Brenda, works a full time, well paying job..actually 2 in one..one as an elected official, and the other as bookkeeper, to the town. she goes to meetings, and travels to other areas for purposes that involve her job...clark, can't take care of Katie, let alone me...Good Lord..what could you have been thinking??..well, the alternative is there and always available..my first refill for one prescription here, is 86.00 a week..for one prescription. i have 10 others, disability has not come thru, and i am down to 105. in the bank...chuck, took the rest...isn't that grand?..some of it for a down payment on a car, a nice one..oh shut up marcia....he has to have a car...i shoulda let him have mine..what was i thinking?..it will be repossessed..i can't make the payments..241. a mo..10, 325. owed on the darn thing..40,000 miles on it..what was i thinking just not ?..yes just not..i dont think, and when i do it is rambling shit like this...ooops i said shit didn't i?..gonna go to hell for that one..no, dont think so. wrote heidi, an email..asking if they had made it back from the dells yet, and they had. that was good to know...she wanted to know what was up with me?..how am i doing?..i had left message after message on charlies answering service. and of course heidi's too..something must be wrong with it ..ya think?..shit...yeah, that's it..same with marisa..these are the babies, that kicked the crap otta the insides of me when i carried them..and also, that i did without so much, that, they dont know about so they could eat and have clothes. worked until, i thought i would scream from pain...cause this pain i got now aint nothin knew folks, i have had it all my life, and i thought everybody hurt like this..no, everybody doesnt...just found that out not too long ago...no wonder life was a bitch..no wonder, i was half crazed, half the time, now wonder...now i know..does it making a fucking bit of difference..hell no..!!!!!...hey, i'm cussin'...does that make aany difference hell no..nothing makes any difference..like i said i am tired really really and i mean really tired..and nobody..really really can do anything about it, and they love me..big fucking deal, i love them back, and big fucking deal..it doesnt make me hurt any less, or pay for anything, or get things done..or help me live..or keep me from being a burden to them or humanity..yep..i AM giving up..said i wouldn't..but, hey, they don't have me around much now, they aren't gonna miss me that much...i think it is fucking laughable..everybody that cares, can't help, and all they do is pray..and that is good..pray away..pray me outta purgatory..or wherever i go, when i take the holy spirit given to me away...commit the unpardable sin, in this fucking good for nothing, piece of shit, life, i have made for myself, it IS my fault, and i cant live with it...i thought i could, when i made the decisions that i made, and the things i did, i thought i could take it, if i failed. i thought i could, i really did, but, nope, i cant...and i sure dont want anyone else to take it either..it isn't fair to them...if the shoe was on the other foot, and they were me, they wouldn't want it either..i know..you never know what you will do when faced with challenges that you just cant meet..you just stop it all, it is easy..you just take the coward's way out..and i am a survivor...i have endured, and endured, and endured, and i know, all the arguments for staying alive..and you know what?..none, and i mean none of them are good enough...i wish, that when people like myself, wanted to ..they could go to a place where they could have an injection, like you know..put you to sleep, like they do animals?..they say it doesn't hurt..you just get sleepy..and you are gone..now that IS helping in my opinion..and taking out people like me..who are no longer able to care for themselves..to me..this is a good thing..