Back again.
Tired, but I know myself well enough to recognize this brainfeel. Won't be able to sleep well if I don't write something, purge the mental clutter. Pardon my blather.
I'll work backwards. Today was spent with/on family. Friday was my sister Sarah's birthday, Monday is my Dad's, so we celebrated both today. Bought my sister's present with the gift card she gave me for a graduation present; nice symmetry, that. Frustrating, to know the things you want to give, but to be unable to. I'm trying to coast to my first real paycheck on what I have, but it's tight. Debts are obligations, and unfulfilled obligations are failures until fulfilled, and there just isn't much I can do about them right now. Frustrating.
Speaking of obligations, both parents want to see me on a regular basis, want me visiting them, want e-mail, want phone calls, want interaction and conversation, and I owe it to them. But honestly? I kind of checked out of both of them during my senior year, when they divorced, and to some extent I don't think that's ever gone away. They're one more thing to think about, and at my most selfish, I just don't want to spend the time. Which is, of course, selfish of me, particularly considering how much they help me out. Doesn't make it any less true. Still, there's too much of who I am that's tied to them, both good and bad, to let them shift entirely into the background. I love them, there's aspects I admire about them, they've done their best to do a good job as parents. And however ambivalent I feel about them, I owe them, and they've made me who I am.
Played poker, watched my sister play the Sims 2 (bought it for her, b-day present), talked with everyone, had food, watched Cowboy Bebop. Talked with Mom when I gave Sarah a ride home, accompanied Dad on errands, etc. Home now.
Woke up late Saturday, but still arrived in time to help Tae move to her new place. Nice to be able to drive. I was surprised that I didn't know any of the other people there, but it was a decent size crew. One of the advantages of maintaining a social network as massive as hers, I suppose. A few competent ones, which made things easier, since I could just grunt about carrying things and lifting furniture as directed, rather than trying to organize things (not exactly my strong suit). Found myself irrationally annoyed by the way one of them talked, and by an obese man and his daughter who showed up late and damaged an heirloom and did relatively little, respectively. I judge too quickly and too harshly, particularly when my adrenaline's up, but damn. I've moved too many times, I guess, I probably take it too seriously. Things went smoothly, though. Afterwards, I went home, slept, and spent a few hours reading.
Was supposed to hang out with Alyssa this weekend, but we both ended up being way too busy and/or tired, so it got pushed back again. Nice gal. Fell in stupid with her for about a year and a half, which was gently unreciprocated, and we're friends now. In retrospect, I think I fell more for the idea of having someone to care about than anything else. The fact that she was smart and interesting didn't hurt, of course, but I think it was really more about realizing what it meant to want someone. Never really had that, prior. Naturally, I made a fool outta myself, took a long time to wise up and let go. Still, she's a nice gal, and I'm glad we've ended up friends.
Because I wasn't sure whether we were hanging out Saturday night, I spent a part of the night in a sort of suspended state, since Rob'd invited me over, but I wasn't sure if I had other plans with Alyssa. Snapped at Rob when he called the fourth time, wandered over eventually after chatting with aforementioned dame, and played a fun pirate miniature card game. Naval combat is mind-wracking; can't wait to play again. Also, got pitched an invitation into yet another RPG campaign. After he suffered through 2ish years of my GMing, I can't exactly tell Rob no; should be interesting to see, and Exalted is always fun. I've also accepted an invitation to be in my friend Dan Bayn's Star Wars game, which should be jedi-tastic. Combined with the Orpheus game I've been in for the last few months, that brings the count for three. I honestly don't know whether this makes me happy or sad.
I came home Friday to a house of plague, roommates Justin and Kelsey huddling in their respective couches groaning and hacking, Justin's SO Marta doing her best Florence Nightingale impression, suffering from the same bug they had. We lay about and talked and ate food as they decayed. Comfortable and relaxing, actually. They're good people.
Nothing of note really happened on Thursday, besides that I stayed up far, far too late online, making me rather tired for Friday. And since time's trudging on toward midnight right now, I'm probably setting myself up for similar problems Monday. Oh well. I feel much better now, brain gloriously clear of thoughts. Hooray for mental bulemia.
I'll work backwards. Today was spent with/on family. Friday was my sister Sarah's birthday, Monday is my Dad's, so we celebrated both today. Bought my sister's present with the gift card she gave me for a graduation present; nice symmetry, that. Frustrating, to know the things you want to give, but to be unable to. I'm trying to coast to my first real paycheck on what I have, but it's tight. Debts are obligations, and unfulfilled obligations are failures until fulfilled, and there just isn't much I can do about them right now. Frustrating.
Speaking of obligations, both parents want to see me on a regular basis, want me visiting them, want e-mail, want phone calls, want interaction and conversation, and I owe it to them. But honestly? I kind of checked out of both of them during my senior year, when they divorced, and to some extent I don't think that's ever gone away. They're one more thing to think about, and at my most selfish, I just don't want to spend the time. Which is, of course, selfish of me, particularly considering how much they help me out. Doesn't make it any less true. Still, there's too much of who I am that's tied to them, both good and bad, to let them shift entirely into the background. I love them, there's aspects I admire about them, they've done their best to do a good job as parents. And however ambivalent I feel about them, I owe them, and they've made me who I am.
Played poker, watched my sister play the Sims 2 (bought it for her, b-day present), talked with everyone, had food, watched Cowboy Bebop. Talked with Mom when I gave Sarah a ride home, accompanied Dad on errands, etc. Home now.
Woke up late Saturday, but still arrived in time to help Tae move to her new place. Nice to be able to drive. I was surprised that I didn't know any of the other people there, but it was a decent size crew. One of the advantages of maintaining a social network as massive as hers, I suppose. A few competent ones, which made things easier, since I could just grunt about carrying things and lifting furniture as directed, rather than trying to organize things (not exactly my strong suit). Found myself irrationally annoyed by the way one of them talked, and by an obese man and his daughter who showed up late and damaged an heirloom and did relatively little, respectively. I judge too quickly and too harshly, particularly when my adrenaline's up, but damn. I've moved too many times, I guess, I probably take it too seriously. Things went smoothly, though. Afterwards, I went home, slept, and spent a few hours reading.
Was supposed to hang out with Alyssa this weekend, but we both ended up being way too busy and/or tired, so it got pushed back again. Nice gal. Fell in stupid with her for about a year and a half, which was gently unreciprocated, and we're friends now. In retrospect, I think I fell more for the idea of having someone to care about than anything else. The fact that she was smart and interesting didn't hurt, of course, but I think it was really more about realizing what it meant to want someone. Never really had that, prior. Naturally, I made a fool outta myself, took a long time to wise up and let go. Still, she's a nice gal, and I'm glad we've ended up friends.
Because I wasn't sure whether we were hanging out Saturday night, I spent a part of the night in a sort of suspended state, since Rob'd invited me over, but I wasn't sure if I had other plans with Alyssa. Snapped at Rob when he called the fourth time, wandered over eventually after chatting with aforementioned dame, and played a fun pirate miniature card game. Naval combat is mind-wracking; can't wait to play again. Also, got pitched an invitation into yet another RPG campaign. After he suffered through 2ish years of my GMing, I can't exactly tell Rob no; should be interesting to see, and Exalted is always fun. I've also accepted an invitation to be in my friend Dan Bayn's Star Wars game, which should be jedi-tastic. Combined with the Orpheus game I've been in for the last few months, that brings the count for three. I honestly don't know whether this makes me happy or sad.
I came home Friday to a house of plague, roommates Justin and Kelsey huddling in their respective couches groaning and hacking, Justin's SO Marta doing her best Florence Nightingale impression, suffering from the same bug they had. We lay about and talked and ate food as they decayed. Comfortable and relaxing, actually. They're good people.
Nothing of note really happened on Thursday, besides that I stayed up far, far too late online, making me rather tired for Friday. And since time's trudging on toward midnight right now, I'm probably setting myself up for similar problems Monday. Oh well. I feel much better now, brain gloriously clear of thoughts. Hooray for mental bulemia.