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Earlier chapters live here: http://momentofbored.livejournal.com/5799.html
Enjoy!
TWO
“I think,” Buffy said slowly… gazing almost self-consciously at the open door whose threshold he could not cross, “maybe we should go somewhere else…” she shot an agonized glance toward the still-closed bedroom door and he could read her eyes like she’d spoken, flashing variations of what am I doing with kids I can’t do it I can’t over and over again before she squared her narrow shoulders determinedly, saying simply, as she made a visible effort to pull herself together that was almost painful for him to watch, “Meet me on the roof in ten minutes.”
He nodded. “I’ll be waiting.”
---
She came up behind him exactly 10 minutes later, and he felt her presence long before she actually spoke, waited for her to begin, which she did only after long moments of indecisive silence, and then only to say,
“I don’t even know how to-“
He felt a sharp flash of annoyance, turning to face her, and he almost instantly lost his irritation, pity flashing through him as it suddenly hit him how thin she’d really become, the fact that the light was gone from her eyes. I guess it could be worse- at least she’s still bitter, it would probably be worse if she was… well, catatonic, that would be worse- Discomforted by his thoughts he looked down at the ground, trying to bring his unexpected emotions under control before venturing, “Why don’t I just as you questions and we can sort of- I mean, hopefully the pieces will fall into place naturally that way,” cringing as he saw her shiver and wishing he had a coat to offer her, knowing there was no way her own threadbare clothing were doing any kind of good at all-
She nodded, looking at him expectantly and he hated how, even after all these years, even with all her attitude and bitterness and loss she still looked at him like she had absolute faith in his ability to make it all okay. Hated that, despite all the times she’d said she didn’t trust him her eyes screamed only absolute trust whenever she looked at him-
And as though she cold read his mind, she whispered quietly, unexpectedly, “I wanted to tell you I didn’t mean it,” as his head jerked back and he wondered if he’d somehow spoken aloud.
Playing dumb he just shook his head, feigning confusion, grateful that she didn’t make him speak as she continued, “I was- when I heard that you were- that you had- I was… all I could think that I was never going to have the chance to tell you that I didn’t mean it.”
He shook his head again, confusion genuine now, wondering if she was trying to tell him that she’d never loved him and if so why she was choosing now of all moments. “Buffy?” he asked hesitantly and she turned from him, looking down at the city as she continued. “Those things I said to you-“
“Buffy, you never-“
“I did!” she said vehemently, snapping around to face him, eyes flashing. “I could have said a lot of things to you that you would have deserved, I still haven’t forgiven you for some of-“ she shook her head almost disgustedly before continuing. “But when I knew you were-“ she gulped, “dead, and I had to think you might have died thinking that I didn’t-“
“Buffy, you were a child when you said those things,” he interrupted her, taking a step toward her and surprised as she matched that step with one of her own, not away from him but closer.
“Not enough of a child that I didn’t know what I was saying,” she retorted firmly, to her shame unable to be offended by his assessment of her teenaged mental state as she shook her head, forcing herself to meet his eyes. “There was- there is no excuse. And besides, how are you even sure you know-“
He ventured a wary smile. “And if I don’t know what you’re talking about? Were you planning on repeating what you said then for old time’s sake?”
She smiled back despite herself, surprised to be biting back a genuine giggle as she shook her head no. “I guess you’ve got me there.”
Their eyes locked for a long moment and both of them relaxed slightly, adopting the casual body posture they used to automatically assume around one another. They reveled in the comfortable silence for what seemed hours but was in reality a few all-too-brief seconds always the seconds with her, the n between moments we learned to seize before Angel let out a deep sigh, asking abruptly, unable to think of another way, “When did your husband die?” hating to ruin the hard-fought for moment of ease but knowing that he needed to start to make sense of it all somehow. He was disappointed but unsurprised as her smile died and she hastily took a step away from him, folding her arms tightly around herself.
“I don’t know,” she said, sounding lost, suddenly, and he fought against the urged to just step forward and crush her in his arms, taking all the pain away, knowing it was years-no, over a decade- too late for that and- he shook his head, trying to clear it as she continued speaking. “I think- god,” she muttered, letting her breath out in a puff before shaking her head. “I guess it was about a year. A little more now.” She shook her head, seeming to will her own thoughts away and he hated that he wasn’t privy to them even as he knew he had no right- and then she ventured a shaky, uncertain smile, suddenly looking years younger and he stopped thinking at all as she shrugged. “It's silly, but- it feels shorter.”
“I don’t think that’s silly,” he answered honestly, brow furrowing as he tried to connect the few pieces he had at his disposal. “So you were married for-“
She bit her lip, brow furrowing, and suddenly she laughed but there was no warmth in the laughter at all and he almost feared that she was going to have a complete breakdown right there on the roof before the sound abruptly stopped and she shook her head. “Sorry,” she said timidly. “it’s just- been a really long time since anyone asked me anything… at all about anything that I’m supposed to care about that’s not directly related to- you know. Death.” She shook her head again, trying to clear it. “It was only a little over two years.” She wavered, seeming to decide whether to say something or not, then did so, uncertainly, in a rush. “It was a really pretty wedding. It was outside and the leaves were all orange and red-” She recoiled slightly at how stupid that sounded and he reached out to caress her cheek in spite of himself, surprised at how natural the gesture felt, even more surprised when he actually made contact with her warm skin and both jumped back slightly, stunned at the current that passed between them before she stepped forward, astonishing them both as she leaned into his touch.
“I’m glad,” he said hoarsely, sincerely, as he fought to keep his hand still.
Her eyes flashed to meet his and he read the naked gratitude in them without needing her to say anything at all, but she did anyway, her voice little above a whisper as she said sincerely, “Thank you.”
Despite himself he felt his thumb begin to trace a gentle circle on her cheek, inadvertently threatening to turn what had begun as a comforting, platonic gesture into something more and she sighed, eyes fluttering shut as she shivered, reaching a hand up to touch his against her cheek, running her own thumb across it oh god before her head snapped back violently and she stepped abruptly away, seeming to suddenly realize what had happened, what might have happened nothing happened, you idiot blurting sharply, much louder than necessary, “I got pregnant right away,” shrugging as though she didn’t know what else to say. “We were- surprised.”
He nodded silently, hoping the pain didn't show on his face as she continued, turning away from him again. “I considered just not- but then I did- Willow died right before the baby was born and it seemed right to-“
“How old is she now?” Angel interrupted and he heard the smile he couldn’t see as Buffy answered with a snort, “21 months and precocious as anything. I think she gets it from him-“
Angel sorted right back. “I’d say that it was probably more of a joint effort.”
Buffy shook her head. “Yeah well- anyway. Surprise surprise, I got pregnant again,” she laughed uneasily then paused, tensing slightly. “Can I tell you something really bad?
He nodded even though her back was still toward him and she seemed to sense his assent even without verbal confirmation as she near-whispered, “I was SO angry,” causing him to bark back an instinctual and inappropriate snort of laughter at her blunt statement, quickly quenching the urge as she continued, “he never even knew I was pregnant. I found out the same day that-“ and Angel tensed, sensing that what he’d begun to think was a vain line of questioning well maybe not entirely in vain, it’s obvious she needed to talk to someone and why do I care so much was about to lead somewhere important.
“Buffy?”
“I found out the same day we got caught.”
“Caught?” he asked sharply and she turned back to face him, shame naked in her eyes. “I still wonder sometimes if- if there is a god- and Angel, I do believe there is- if he was punishing me for not being happy about Rupert-“
“Rupert?”
“My son,” she said softly.
“Oh God,” Angel said softly. “Not Giles too.”
Her forehead creased delicately. “Not Giles what?” she inquired sharply and he was confused at the sharp edge to her voice.
“I just meant- if you named your son after him-“ Angel searched for a delicate way to say it and gave up within seconds, saying bluntly “I assume he’s dead too” as she looked at him like he as an idiot.
“I told you inside,” she said, voice almost eerily matter-of-fact. “Everyone I ever loved is dead. Except for two kids I have no clue how to take care of, and, evidently, you. Dawn is gone. Xander, Willow, Anya, Wesley, Spike, Faith, god! Even the footnotes are gone. Riley, Oz,” and she suddenly looked slightly guilty, and under different circumstances he would have chuckled as she said nervously “Were they more than a footnote?”
Angle shrugged gracelessly, fighting with everything in him the urge to reach out for her again and apologize for not knowing what to say... “To you? I don’t know.” He gazed at her for a long moment before offering, “I don’t- I don’t really know how you must feel, but- I think that- if you still feel guilty about the conflicting feelings- I mean, all parents feel that way. We all fail or think we do. I tried my best, Buffy, but I really failed as a father-“
She shook her head at once, and he almost cringed at the blind faith in her eyes, wanting for some reason he didn’t even vaguely understand to just scream and shake her until it went away, practically the only thing about her that was unaltered, the ridiculous way she looked at him, as though she didn’t realize he cold never deserve-
“That’s not true,” she said at once, perfect conviction in her voice. “I talked to Connor a lot after- after your final battle,” she said triumphantly, irrationally gleeful to have found a word that was not ‘death’ to describe what had happened.
Despite himself Angel felt his knees half give out as he stuttered, “You mean- I thought he must be- you kept saying everyone else had died-“
“I’m so sorry,” she said, shaking her head. “It- I didn’t realize- I keep forgetting you don’t know-“
“Where is he?” Angel asked with urgency, wanting to punch something as she shook her head, regret naked in her eyes.
“I’m sorry Angel, I don’t know. When Dawn died he took it hard, I don’t know where he went-“ she shook her head, unable to meet his eyes. “R- Giles and I looked, but we just- and that was right before-” she shook her head, closing her eyes against her internal monologue. “If I’m being honest, he’s probably dead too.” She opened her mouth, then snapped it shut, wavering before she blurted “He had really, really good things to say about you.” At his disbelieving look she nodded emphatically, adding, “honest,” and then frowned slightly. “Well, I mean, okay, at first we were… um, a little bit angry at you. For the first few months we-“ she smiled suddenly and he did a double take as he saw the look that crossed her face- almost… teasing? “Well, let’s just say that there was a lot of muttering about self-centered bastards with hero complexes, but, you know, once we got over that-“ she shrugged, continuing to smile, a look he couldn’t help but return even after all this time. “He’s Willow’s godfather.” The smile wavered, then vanished. “Xander was dead by then, so was-“ she shook her head as he continued to struggle to take it in… one thought resonating repeatedly:
How did all these people die? Angel tried to push the thought down but even as he did it was replaced with another, far more confusing if the world was in nearly as bad of a state as she seemed to think it was: How did she survive?
“When did this all-“ he shook his head, deciding to go with a different question. “How are you fighting it-“ by yourself… “recently?”
She laughed harshly. “Recently I’m not. I’ve been forced into retirement. They- they confiscated all my weapons. They tried unsuccessfully to take my strength. Turns out it’s not an accidental property like eye color but part of the essential core- they can’t kill it without killing me and they aren’t willing to do that because since they murdered all the members of the council and the slayers that were left after we cleaned up” your mess “LA, they realize they might eventually need me but- until that time I can’t come out to play. They- think it’s my fault.”
His brow furrowed. “Buffy, it’s getting late and I still have no idea- who does? And how did they- through what authority did they confiscate- and what do they think you did?“
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, trying to stop the dull throbbing in her head, barely able to imagine how he must feel. “Sorry. Honestly, I’m doing my best. It’s just- I’ve been living it, I don’t even know how to explain- I mean, if I say he and I led the resistance, it makes other people cower or spit in my face or shoot me sympathetic glances but you don’t even know what we were resisting-“
“Um- this might be an awkward question,” he said hesitantly, cutting her off, “but- your husband- you keep saying ‘him’ and I assume that’s who you mean-“
She nodded, brow furrowing slightly. “Who else would I mean?”
“Well-“ he said hesitantly, hoping he wasn’t about to inadvertently set her off. “Maybe- I mean, I think it might be nice if you said a name,” he said finally.
“I- ask me anything but that,” she whispered and her eyes and voice were pleading. Realization flashed sharply across his face and he frowned, trying to keep any judgment from his voice as he quietly stated,
“Oh. Demon?” At the continued look of dismay on her face he arched an eyebrow, further venturing, "Demon that I know?"
Her head snapped backward in surprise as she shook her head slowly. “No. He wouldn’t have lived long enough to lead the resistance if he hadn’t been a human-“ She chewed her lower lip nervously, “Helped that they trusted him,” she said quietly, unable to meet his eyes. “Turns out he and I were pretty good actors-“
Angel’s brow furrowed. “Buffy- if you’re trying to tell me you and Xander were married,” he said slowly, struggling to put the pieces together and unable to come up with anything else, “you don’t need to be so afraid to say it. I’m not going to pretend that-“ Angel paused. “I mean, whatever I might have thought of Xander, I never questioned that his loyalty to you was absolute.”
She continued to chew on her lip, shaking her head slowly. “No, not Xander,” she said, voice barely a whisper. “Xander was the first one to die-“ she swallowed with difficulty, taking a deep breath and bracing herself. “My- my son is named after his father.” She paused for a second, cringing at the incredulous expression on his face. “And- I only ever knew one Rupert.”
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Okay, so if you actually read all of that: 1. I heart you!
2. Please take a sec to leave feedback...To be honest this story is not at allll going as I thought it was going to AT ALL (believe me, I am at least as surprised as any of you that she married Giles)... So, thoughts are especially wanted/needed/desired.
Next chapter: info on what the resistance is, buffy's bizarre remark in the chapter before this one about being 'tainted', and... *smirks evilly* i think it's about time we got some kissing one way or another, no?
Thanks for reading!