we've still got tonight.
I need to word vomit a little.
I was watching this video tonight and randomly was thinking about how I met her and I tried to connect the woman on stage in this video to the woman I spent a few minutes with in a little room; it didn't work. It just...doesn't compute. Not the fact that I met her, I mean, that's a whole different story but right now it's so hard to wrap my head around the fact that the person in that video and the person that I met, that I hugged twice, that we made laugh, that I talked about cold hands with (and felt each others' hands) -- that's the same person.
I wish I could explain this better but I can't. It's not that she's different, really. I mean, she is. She seems so disciplined and a perfectionist and almost rigid and guarded when it comes to her music and her on stage, and she's just not that from what I saw. She was just so not that. She was funny and she was very animated and lively and confident and self-assured and just strong. I'm not sure if that's where this disconnect is coming from but it's really screwing with my head. Not in a bad way at all, it's not her fault -- Alison was everything I unknowingly expected her to be and more. She surpassed every expectation that I didn't know I had.
I never experienced this with Reba or Celine. I didn't meet Celine, but I did see her on Leno and in concert and I never really had a moment of not remembering the concert because I was too busy trying to wrap my head around the fact that that was Celine Dion on the stage in front of me. And with Reba, god. I've met her six times - the first time still feels as real to me as the first. The first time I met her, none of this went on. I had nothing but happy "OMG I MET REBA!!" feelings after it. Maybe this could be because my love for Alison runs differently and deeper than my love for Reba or Celine. There's just something different about Alison, and I can't put my finger on it. My love and adoration and just fucking respect for her runs through a different vein than my love for Reba and Celine and every other person I fangirl (it may be because I'm older now; I met Reba when I was 14 and went through the peak of my Celine love when I was 15-16, and now with Alison, I'm 19 and have been through so much more and grown up and matured and view life and the world differently than I did back then).
With Alison, I have a hard time using the term or "admire" or "role model" because while I do, it just doesn't feel right. Like it doesn't feel right to put her on a pedestal like that. And it's not that I have a problem with her or anything but it's always just been weird to talk about her like that. I don't know if it's because Alison would probably feel weird about something like that or if it's my own personal thing or what, but god it confuses me. Or maybe it's because I don't really aspire to be like her. It's not that she isn't someone to look up to but she's not someone I really want to be like. And I do feel like I have some sort of weird connection with her because I'm like her and because I think I see her as more of a person and a human being than a celebrity~ or whatever.
Mindy also pointed out this:
Mindy H. says (1:40 AM)
And maybe part of it is just that she's so much less PUBLIC than Reba or Celine. You don't really have to think about what they're really like or piece together an image of them in your mind because everything is basically there for you already. But with Alison you spend so much time wondering what she's like and analyzing the little bits of personal stuff we get from her, so when you meet her in person it trips you out because it's almost hard to believe that you didn't make her up or something.
That, basically.She's so much harder to figure out and there's a definite mindfuck going on when you try to take what you project or imagine her as and then see her in real life and spend a little time with her and just sdklfjhsdf. I never imagined it'd screw with my head this much and I hate not being able to fix this or even really explain it.
Click to viewI was watching this video tonight and randomly was thinking about how I met her and I tried to connect the woman on stage in this video to the woman I spent a few minutes with in a little room; it didn't work. It just...doesn't compute. Not the fact that I met her, I mean, that's a whole different story but right now it's so hard to wrap my head around the fact that the person in that video and the person that I met, that I hugged twice, that we made laugh, that I talked about cold hands with (and felt each others' hands) -- that's the same person.
I wish I could explain this better but I can't. It's not that she's different, really. I mean, she is. She seems so disciplined and a perfectionist and almost rigid and guarded when it comes to her music and her on stage, and she's just not that from what I saw. She was just so not that. She was funny and she was very animated and lively and confident and self-assured and just strong. I'm not sure if that's where this disconnect is coming from but it's really screwing with my head. Not in a bad way at all, it's not her fault -- Alison was everything I unknowingly expected her to be and more. She surpassed every expectation that I didn't know I had.
I never experienced this with Reba or Celine. I didn't meet Celine, but I did see her on Leno and in concert and I never really had a moment of not remembering the concert because I was too busy trying to wrap my head around the fact that that was Celine Dion on the stage in front of me. And with Reba, god. I've met her six times - the first time still feels as real to me as the first. The first time I met her, none of this went on. I had nothing but happy "OMG I MET REBA!!" feelings after it. Maybe this could be because my love for Alison runs differently and deeper than my love for Reba or Celine. There's just something different about Alison, and I can't put my finger on it. My love and adoration and just fucking respect for her runs through a different vein than my love for Reba and Celine and every other person I fangirl (it may be because I'm older now; I met Reba when I was 14 and went through the peak of my Celine love when I was 15-16, and now with Alison, I'm 19 and have been through so much more and grown up and matured and view life and the world differently than I did back then).
With Alison, I have a hard time using the term or "admire" or "role model" because while I do, it just doesn't feel right. Like it doesn't feel right to put her on a pedestal like that. And it's not that I have a problem with her or anything but it's always just been weird to talk about her like that. I don't know if it's because Alison would probably feel weird about something like that or if it's my own personal thing or what, but god it confuses me. Or maybe it's because I don't really aspire to be like her. It's not that she isn't someone to look up to but she's not someone I really want to be like. And I do feel like I have some sort of weird connection with her because I'm like her and because I think I see her as more of a person and a human being than a celebrity~ or whatever.
Mindy also pointed out this:
Mindy H. says (1:40 AM)
And maybe part of it is just that she's so much less PUBLIC than Reba or Celine. You don't really have to think about what they're really like or piece together an image of them in your mind because everything is basically there for you already. But with Alison you spend so much time wondering what she's like and analyzing the little bits of personal stuff we get from her, so when you meet her in person it trips you out because it's almost hard to believe that you didn't make her up or something.
That, basically.She's so much harder to figure out and there's a definite mindfuck going on when you try to take what you project or imagine her as and then see her in real life and spend a little time with her and just sdklfjhsdf. I never imagined it'd screw with my head this much and I hate not being able to fix this or even really explain it.