(no subject)
Title: 'Let's not go to Camelot, 'tis a silly place'
Pairing: BB/DM
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Of course it happened! And my name's Bernard.
Summary: Silly, smutty, drunken, Python-infused Dom & Billy. In NZ.
Let's not go to Camelot, 'tis a silly place
"Do you ever imagine that Lord of the Rings is going to be the biggest film ever in history and that one day we'll be rich and famous?"
Dom sat with his back against Billy's chest, cheek resting against Billy's cheek, and Billy's arms around him, legs tangled along the length of the couch.
Billy kissed behind Dom's ear. "Wanker. Anyway, Lij already is rich and famous."
"Oh yeah. I keep forgetting about that."
"Well it's easy to do when he's passed out drunk on your living room carpet."
They both looked at Elijah's curled-up sleeping form on the floor in front of them.
"Fuck, but we conquered that fountain."
"Yeah, and it was bloody terrifying for those of us who had to watch."
"Now we have bested the stupid wet clanky thing and need fear it no more."
"Just think of those poor people walking innocently up Cuba Street and getting splashed with your piss, though."
"They should feel priveleged. It's not every day you get splashed with hobbit piss."
"Bloody hell."
"Mmm," Dom said as Billy nuzzled his neck. "Anyway. We're going to be rich and famous, Monaghan and Boyd, and we'll get interviewed for magazines, and people will have websites where they discuss our pants."
Billy laughed his raucous laugh, and Dom felt it.
"What's so funny?" Dom wriggled sideways, forcing himself between Billy's body and the back of the couch, and threw an arm and a leg over him. "I find your pants fascinating. Especially when they're across the room from where you happen to be."
"Oh, I don't know. It's just a weird thought."
"What, you being separated from your pants? I think it's an excellent thought."
Billy cuffed Dom gently on the jaw. "Idiot. No, the whole fame thing. I'm just me. Why would anyone be interested in what colour my pants are?"
"I'm interested. Right now. Get your trousers off."
"Ahem." Billy coughed, and jerked his head towards Elijah's body.
Dom laughed "Oh yeah. Forgot about him. I was all set to do you right here."
"Poor boy would have had a heart attack if he'd woken up, then they'd charge us for finding another Frodo."
"Bedroom then?"
"I think it's best, don't you?"
Billy struggled into a sitting position and looked at the body on the floor.
"Elijah."
No response. Dom sat up.
"Elwood," he said loudly. "We're going to the bedroom to have sex now, and we're not going to be quiet about it."
Elijah stirred, snuffled, murmured something and settled back down. Billy growled and nuzzled Dom's neck in a ticklish way, making Dom writhe and attempt to tickle Billy back. They wrestled and giggled on the sofa for a moment. Elijah still didn't move.
"I think he's out till morning," Billy said. "So we won't endanger his innocence."
Dom stood and pulled Billy to his feet. "He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!" he said, Monty Python style. They both collapsed into giggles again.
"See you later, Lij," Billy called over his shoulder.
"Sleep well."
They stumbled to the bedroom, and fell on to the bed. More tickling ensued, until Dom got the upper hand by virtue of being bigger and apparently slightly more able to contain his laughter. And because Billy let him.
"Mmm, lovely Billy." Dom pinned Billy down with his body and snogged him thoroughly, while Billy worked his leg between Dom's and pressed his thigh into Dom's crotch.
"Ah, you're a cruel man, Billy Boyd."
"Merciless. Ruthless. Entirely without ruth."
Billy smiled to himself as he felt Dom's erection push against his thigh and Dom's tongue lapping at his throat. He wrapped his arms and his free leg around Dom companionably.
"Mmm, too many clothes," Dom said into Billy's neck.
"I'm slightly pinned at the moment, you'll have to get off me if you want me naked."
Dom rolled off him and sprawled sideways across the bed, trying to kick his jeans off with difficulty. Billy paused in his own undressing and watched with great amusement until he realised where Dom's left foot was headed.
"Dom, watch the --"
A loud crash.
"Shit, what was that?"
Billy put his arms across his face and moaned quietly.
"That," he said, "Was the twelve-year old single malt John gave me for my birthday."
Dom sniffed the whisky fumes which now permeated the room. "Oh yeah. Sorry. I'll buy you another bottle." He rolled on to his front and looked at Billy. Billy tried to look stern.
"You'd better, if you want to carry on having carnal relations with me."
"I do want to. Right now, in fact." He stroked Billy's arm. "Please, Billy? Lovely, sexy, gorgeous Billy?" He tugged at Billy's unzipped jeans, then put put his face into Billy's crotch. "Rrrrarrrrr."
Billy couldn't help but laugh, and Dom must have taken this as acquiescence, as he started to work Billy's jeans down. Billy lifted his hips and soon the jeans were off, followed by the socks, and Dom quickly finished undressing without further incident while Billy pulled off his t-shirt.
"Better. Much better," Dom said, cuddling up to Billy. "And sorry about the Scotch."
"Forget the bloody Scotch and give us a snog, English boy."
Dom sighed theatrically. "Oh well, I suppose it could be worse, you could be a Man City fan." He silenced Billy's automatic retort with his mouth.
Billy loved Dom's mouth, it was what had turned him on to Dom-as-object-of-sexual-desire-and-not-just-best-mate in the first place, but now there was skin sliding against skin, and Billy found himself moaning into Dom's mouth and reaching over to the bedside table for the lube.
The phone rang.
"Bloody hell!"
"Don't answer it," Dom mumbled.
"Got to, could be trouble at home." Billy fumbled for the receiver.
"Hello?"
"That you, Billy?"
Bloody, fucking hell.
"Hello, Gran." Dom's eyes went wide. "Everything OK?"
"Yes, fine. What time is it there, hen?"
Billy rolled his eyes theatrically and Dom pulled a pillow over his face. "Half one in the morning."
"Oh, I'm sorry, hen, I've got the time difference wrong again, haven't I."
Billy thought that talking to his Gran while looking at not one, but two erect penises had to be the most surreal experience of his life.
"Yes, you have Gran. But it's OK, I was just... going to bed."
Muffled laughter from under the pillow next to him. Billy wanted to laugh himself, but managed to refrain. Somehow.
"OK, well, I'll let you go then."
"Thanks, Gran. I'll talk to you soon."
"Take care, hen."
"Bye, Gran."
Billy put the phone down, grabbed the lube and launched himself at Dom, throwing aside the pillow.
"Come here, you."
"Don't tell me you're still up for it after talking to your Gran."
Billy looked down at himself, then at Dom.
"It seems that I am. As are you."
"But... your Gran, mate!"
"Shut up, or I'll shut you up."
"That I'd like to see."
Propped on one elbow beside Dom, Billy squeezed out a dollop of lube onto his palm.
"You can't threaten me with lube, Billy Boyd."
"I think I can."
Billy pulled one of Dom's knees up to his chest and reached for Dom's arse in a slightly fumbly way.
"Where is the cave, O Tim?" Dom quoted, and snorted with laughter.
"Remind me to never attempt sex with you after watching Monty Python," Billy grumbled. "Ah, there we are."
"Oh fuck."
Billy twisted his finger around and inserted a second.
"Loving your work there, Bills... ah yeah..."
"More?"
"Whatever you've got, mate... shit..."
Billy scissored his first two fingers and added a third, bending and twisting some more.
"Ready for some hot Scottish loving now?" With his free hand he smeared the rest of the lube over his erection, smothering a groan as he did so.
"In your own time... no rush..." Dom gasped. Billy grinned and manouevred himself into position, pushing Dom's other leg up to his chest.
He withdrew his fingers, replaced them with the head of his cock, and pushed.
A few gentle thrusts and he was buried inside Dom, and god, yes.
Billy rested his forehead against Dom's, breathing hard.
"Hey," Dom said. "How's your orgasm coming along?"
"Just come into view on the horizon and advancing towards me at a fairly steady pace. Yours?"
"Brewing nicely. Snog, please."
"Mmm." A brief touch of tongues, and the urge to move his hips was too much for Billy. He slowly pulled almost all the way out, and then thrust back in again. They both let out a long, drawn out groan as he did so.
Dom snorted with laughter which infected Billy, and he collapsed on top of Dom, the pair of them shaking with helpless giggles.
Finally the laughter subsided and Billy lifted his head to look at Dom's grinning face.
"Hello."
Dom framed Billy's face with his hands. "I love you."
"I think I'm having too much fun."
"I think I need to start wanking, or this shag's going to go on all night."
Billy looked between their bodies as Dom's hand snaked down and enveloped his cock.
"God, yeah." Again, he started to thrust, eyes flitting between Dom's hand moving faster and faster, and his own cock sliding in and out.
Bloody pornographic.
Fantastic.
"Bills."
Billy looked up to see Dom's grey eyes wide, and felt like he was going to fall right into them.
"Dommie."
"Fuck, Billy, feels so good... "
I'm going to come first. I'm going to come, inside Dom, watching him wank.
"Dom, that orgasm... it's nearly..."
"Fuck, yeah, Billy, wanna watch you come, yeah..."
"Going to... get... your wish..." Billy managed to gasp, hips pistoning faster and faster until at last the orgasm hit him full in the chest and he threw back his head and tried so hard not to scream like a girl, but as usual, failed miserably. He collapsed on to Dom.
"Bills."
He was being poked in the shoulder.
"Mmmyeah?" Billy was in a lovely, sweaty, sleepy place.
"There's, um, a bit of unfinished business here, mate."
Billy felt Dom's fist wiggling between them.
"Mmmyeah, sorry.." he struggled to prop himself up on his elbows and kissed Dom. "Do you want me to..."
"Nono, you just stay right where you are..." Dom's fist busied itself and after a few seconds Billy felt a satisfied smile spread across his face as he watched Dom's mouth drop open with a gasp which may or may not have been his name, before liquid warmth hit him in the chest.
Dom gathered him in to a cuddle.
"Mmm, that was fun."
"It was very silly."
"Albatross!"
Billy groaned and rolled off Dom.
"Like I said. No more sex after Python."
"It's too silly."
"Go to sleep."
"Cuddle." They cuddled.
"Do you think Elijah heard?"
"Since I made you scream like a girl, there's no telling."
"Oh god, the Ego has landed. Could you be any more smug?"
"I've got Billy Boyd in my bed. I've got every reason to be smug."
"That'd be you in my bed. So I'm the smug one. Sleep now." Billy pulled away and Dom settled on his front.
Silence for a while.
"Are you really smug about having me in your bed?" Dom murmured.
Billy considered for a moment.
"Completely. Good night."
Pairing: BB/DM
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Of course it happened! And my name's Bernard.
Summary: Silly, smutty, drunken, Python-infused Dom & Billy. In NZ.
Let's not go to Camelot, 'tis a silly place
"Do you ever imagine that Lord of the Rings is going to be the biggest film ever in history and that one day we'll be rich and famous?"
Dom sat with his back against Billy's chest, cheek resting against Billy's cheek, and Billy's arms around him, legs tangled along the length of the couch.
Billy kissed behind Dom's ear. "Wanker. Anyway, Lij already is rich and famous."
"Oh yeah. I keep forgetting about that."
"Well it's easy to do when he's passed out drunk on your living room carpet."
They both looked at Elijah's curled-up sleeping form on the floor in front of them.
"Fuck, but we conquered that fountain."
"Yeah, and it was bloody terrifying for those of us who had to watch."
"Now we have bested the stupid wet clanky thing and need fear it no more."
"Just think of those poor people walking innocently up Cuba Street and getting splashed with your piss, though."
"They should feel priveleged. It's not every day you get splashed with hobbit piss."
"Bloody hell."
"Mmm," Dom said as Billy nuzzled his neck. "Anyway. We're going to be rich and famous, Monaghan and Boyd, and we'll get interviewed for magazines, and people will have websites where they discuss our pants."
Billy laughed his raucous laugh, and Dom felt it.
"What's so funny?" Dom wriggled sideways, forcing himself between Billy's body and the back of the couch, and threw an arm and a leg over him. "I find your pants fascinating. Especially when they're across the room from where you happen to be."
"Oh, I don't know. It's just a weird thought."
"What, you being separated from your pants? I think it's an excellent thought."
Billy cuffed Dom gently on the jaw. "Idiot. No, the whole fame thing. I'm just me. Why would anyone be interested in what colour my pants are?"
"I'm interested. Right now. Get your trousers off."
"Ahem." Billy coughed, and jerked his head towards Elijah's body.
Dom laughed "Oh yeah. Forgot about him. I was all set to do you right here."
"Poor boy would have had a heart attack if he'd woken up, then they'd charge us for finding another Frodo."
"Bedroom then?"
"I think it's best, don't you?"
Billy struggled into a sitting position and looked at the body on the floor.
"Elijah."
No response. Dom sat up.
"Elwood," he said loudly. "We're going to the bedroom to have sex now, and we're not going to be quiet about it."
Elijah stirred, snuffled, murmured something and settled back down. Billy growled and nuzzled Dom's neck in a ticklish way, making Dom writhe and attempt to tickle Billy back. They wrestled and giggled on the sofa for a moment. Elijah still didn't move.
"I think he's out till morning," Billy said. "So we won't endanger his innocence."
Dom stood and pulled Billy to his feet. "He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!" he said, Monty Python style. They both collapsed into giggles again.
"See you later, Lij," Billy called over his shoulder.
"Sleep well."
They stumbled to the bedroom, and fell on to the bed. More tickling ensued, until Dom got the upper hand by virtue of being bigger and apparently slightly more able to contain his laughter. And because Billy let him.
"Mmm, lovely Billy." Dom pinned Billy down with his body and snogged him thoroughly, while Billy worked his leg between Dom's and pressed his thigh into Dom's crotch.
"Ah, you're a cruel man, Billy Boyd."
"Merciless. Ruthless. Entirely without ruth."
Billy smiled to himself as he felt Dom's erection push against his thigh and Dom's tongue lapping at his throat. He wrapped his arms and his free leg around Dom companionably.
"Mmm, too many clothes," Dom said into Billy's neck.
"I'm slightly pinned at the moment, you'll have to get off me if you want me naked."
Dom rolled off him and sprawled sideways across the bed, trying to kick his jeans off with difficulty. Billy paused in his own undressing and watched with great amusement until he realised where Dom's left foot was headed.
"Dom, watch the --"
A loud crash.
"Shit, what was that?"
Billy put his arms across his face and moaned quietly.
"That," he said, "Was the twelve-year old single malt John gave me for my birthday."
Dom sniffed the whisky fumes which now permeated the room. "Oh yeah. Sorry. I'll buy you another bottle." He rolled on to his front and looked at Billy. Billy tried to look stern.
"You'd better, if you want to carry on having carnal relations with me."
"I do want to. Right now, in fact." He stroked Billy's arm. "Please, Billy? Lovely, sexy, gorgeous Billy?" He tugged at Billy's unzipped jeans, then put put his face into Billy's crotch. "Rrrrarrrrr."
Billy couldn't help but laugh, and Dom must have taken this as acquiescence, as he started to work Billy's jeans down. Billy lifted his hips and soon the jeans were off, followed by the socks, and Dom quickly finished undressing without further incident while Billy pulled off his t-shirt.
"Better. Much better," Dom said, cuddling up to Billy. "And sorry about the Scotch."
"Forget the bloody Scotch and give us a snog, English boy."
Dom sighed theatrically. "Oh well, I suppose it could be worse, you could be a Man City fan." He silenced Billy's automatic retort with his mouth.
Billy loved Dom's mouth, it was what had turned him on to Dom-as-object-of-sexual-desire-and-not-just-best-mate in the first place, but now there was skin sliding against skin, and Billy found himself moaning into Dom's mouth and reaching over to the bedside table for the lube.
The phone rang.
"Bloody hell!"
"Don't answer it," Dom mumbled.
"Got to, could be trouble at home." Billy fumbled for the receiver.
"Hello?"
"That you, Billy?"
Bloody, fucking hell.
"Hello, Gran." Dom's eyes went wide. "Everything OK?"
"Yes, fine. What time is it there, hen?"
Billy rolled his eyes theatrically and Dom pulled a pillow over his face. "Half one in the morning."
"Oh, I'm sorry, hen, I've got the time difference wrong again, haven't I."
Billy thought that talking to his Gran while looking at not one, but two erect penises had to be the most surreal experience of his life.
"Yes, you have Gran. But it's OK, I was just... going to bed."
Muffled laughter from under the pillow next to him. Billy wanted to laugh himself, but managed to refrain. Somehow.
"OK, well, I'll let you go then."
"Thanks, Gran. I'll talk to you soon."
"Take care, hen."
"Bye, Gran."
Billy put the phone down, grabbed the lube and launched himself at Dom, throwing aside the pillow.
"Come here, you."
"Don't tell me you're still up for it after talking to your Gran."
Billy looked down at himself, then at Dom.
"It seems that I am. As are you."
"But... your Gran, mate!"
"Shut up, or I'll shut you up."
"That I'd like to see."
Propped on one elbow beside Dom, Billy squeezed out a dollop of lube onto his palm.
"You can't threaten me with lube, Billy Boyd."
"I think I can."
Billy pulled one of Dom's knees up to his chest and reached for Dom's arse in a slightly fumbly way.
"Where is the cave, O Tim?" Dom quoted, and snorted with laughter.
"Remind me to never attempt sex with you after watching Monty Python," Billy grumbled. "Ah, there we are."
"Oh fuck."
Billy twisted his finger around and inserted a second.
"Loving your work there, Bills... ah yeah..."
"More?"
"Whatever you've got, mate... shit..."
Billy scissored his first two fingers and added a third, bending and twisting some more.
"Ready for some hot Scottish loving now?" With his free hand he smeared the rest of the lube over his erection, smothering a groan as he did so.
"In your own time... no rush..." Dom gasped. Billy grinned and manouevred himself into position, pushing Dom's other leg up to his chest.
He withdrew his fingers, replaced them with the head of his cock, and pushed.
A few gentle thrusts and he was buried inside Dom, and god, yes.
Billy rested his forehead against Dom's, breathing hard.
"Hey," Dom said. "How's your orgasm coming along?"
"Just come into view on the horizon and advancing towards me at a fairly steady pace. Yours?"
"Brewing nicely. Snog, please."
"Mmm." A brief touch of tongues, and the urge to move his hips was too much for Billy. He slowly pulled almost all the way out, and then thrust back in again. They both let out a long, drawn out groan as he did so.
Dom snorted with laughter which infected Billy, and he collapsed on top of Dom, the pair of them shaking with helpless giggles.
Finally the laughter subsided and Billy lifted his head to look at Dom's grinning face.
"Hello."
Dom framed Billy's face with his hands. "I love you."
"I think I'm having too much fun."
"I think I need to start wanking, or this shag's going to go on all night."
Billy looked between their bodies as Dom's hand snaked down and enveloped his cock.
"God, yeah." Again, he started to thrust, eyes flitting between Dom's hand moving faster and faster, and his own cock sliding in and out.
Bloody pornographic.
Fantastic.
"Bills."
Billy looked up to see Dom's grey eyes wide, and felt like he was going to fall right into them.
"Dommie."
"Fuck, Billy, feels so good... "
I'm going to come first. I'm going to come, inside Dom, watching him wank.
"Dom, that orgasm... it's nearly..."
"Fuck, yeah, Billy, wanna watch you come, yeah..."
"Going to... get... your wish..." Billy managed to gasp, hips pistoning faster and faster until at last the orgasm hit him full in the chest and he threw back his head and tried so hard not to scream like a girl, but as usual, failed miserably. He collapsed on to Dom.
"Bills."
He was being poked in the shoulder.
"Mmmyeah?" Billy was in a lovely, sweaty, sleepy place.
"There's, um, a bit of unfinished business here, mate."
Billy felt Dom's fist wiggling between them.
"Mmmyeah, sorry.." he struggled to prop himself up on his elbows and kissed Dom. "Do you want me to..."
"Nono, you just stay right where you are..." Dom's fist busied itself and after a few seconds Billy felt a satisfied smile spread across his face as he watched Dom's mouth drop open with a gasp which may or may not have been his name, before liquid warmth hit him in the chest.
Dom gathered him in to a cuddle.
"Mmm, that was fun."
"It was very silly."
"Albatross!"
Billy groaned and rolled off Dom.
"Like I said. No more sex after Python."
"It's too silly."
"Go to sleep."
"Cuddle." They cuddled.
"Do you think Elijah heard?"
"Since I made you scream like a girl, there's no telling."
"Oh god, the Ego has landed. Could you be any more smug?"
"I've got Billy Boyd in my bed. I've got every reason to be smug."
"That'd be you in my bed. So I'm the smug one. Sleep now." Billy pulled away and Dom settled on his front.
Silence for a while.
"Are you really smug about having me in your bed?" Dom murmured.
Billy considered for a moment.
"Completely. Good night."