(no subject)
Wishing Stars
Part Ten
d/b
Disclaimer: This is a dream. None of it really happened.
Hope was as thin as the fog was heavy the morning Dom left. Billy wouldn’t let go of him but he smiled all the time. A brave smile. Like a war bride. Which Dom supposed he was, in a way.
They were both sore from making love all night. Dom would have plenty of time to sleep on the transport and Billy had taken the day off though he imagined he’d find himself at the hospital anyway. He’d clean bedpans or mop floors if he had to, anything to keep his mind busy.
“I’ve got to go now.”
“I know.” Billy didn’t let go of Dom’s hand. Dom had said everything he’d meant to say the night before but now he felt like he hadn’t said nearly enough.
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
“Hold on to me. Don’t let go.”
“I won’t.”
“Dream hard?”
“I’ll be too busy. I’ll be making your dreams come true. Don’t forget to wake up.”
“I won’t. Did I tell you that I love you?”
“Yes.”
“How many times? It will never be enough.”
“I know it, Dom. I feel it.”
“Good. That’s good.”
“You’re sure you won’t let me come with?”
“I’m sure. You have work to do here. You’ll always be with me anyway. Bill?”
“Yes, Dom?”
“You love him?”
“Who?”
“Justin.”
“I…yes. I love him.”
“I can’t give you a child, Bill. I’d give you anything you asked for but I can’t give you that.”
“I knew that going in, Dom.”
“You should adopt him.”
“Dom! I…can we talk about this when you get back? I…”
“No, life’s too short to put happiness on hold. Do it, Bill. Start the paperwork. Say you will.”
Billy nodded, not trusting himself to speak.
“Good. I’ve got to go.” He kissed Billy urgently, turned away quickly and walked away. Billy plastered his smile on his face. Dom stopped abruptly and turned back. The captain was blasting orders for everyone to board the transport. Dom was sweating under the weight of his pack. He grabbed Billy’s hand.
“Bill! Marry me? Marry me when I get back?”
Billy laughed. “Dom! I thought that was a foregone conclusion. Of course I will. I’m yours forever.”
“Shut up!” Dom hissed. He kissed Billy’s cheek. “It’s not being done properly.”
Dom dropped to his knee. The captain started to march over to them.
“Monaghan! Get your ass on this ship immediately!”
Dom ignored him. He grabbed Billy’s hand.
“Billy Boyd, will you marry me?”
Billy’s hand trembled in Dom’s grasp.
“Yes, love, I’ll love you forever. Nothing will ever change that. I love you. I’m yours.”
Dom kissed him until the captain barked his name again and then he ran. He didn’t look back.
Billy stood on the tarmac and smiled genuinely for a moment. His eyes blurred with tears. He dropped his smile and looked across the valley to the towers of the hospital.
“Justin.”
He felt a warm hand on his shoulder.
“Did he just propose?”
Billy turned. A young woman with long, brown hair looked back at him.
“Yes. He did.”
“Congratulations. We should celebrate. I’m Liv. I think you’re Dr. Boyd. Miranda’s my…Miranda’s my friend. She speaks highly of you.”
“She lies.” Billy sniffed and wiped his eyes on his sleeve. Liv dug out a handkerchief from her purse.
“I don’t think so somehow. Come have a drink with me. I got a fantastic local recipe from a native. It will have you singing on tables in two minutes flat.”
“That’s kind.” Billy looked towards the hospital again. “I’ve got to check on a patient. Somebody…somebody I love. Didn’t really want to love. Just happened. Love’s like that.” He stopped himself and blushed. “I’m sorry. I…”
She kissed his cheek. “It leaves you breathless and babbling to strangers? Don’t worry, Doctor, we won’t be strangers for long. Check on your patient. And then come to my house. Miranda will be there.”
She handed him a card with her address and walked away. Billy stayed on the tarmac until the transport left. By the time he turned towards the hospital the fog had lifted.
~*~
Justin was curled into the far corner of his bed. This was a sign that his day had not gone well.
“Hello, love.”
Justin pressed his shoulders back against the wall, like he was trying to press himself inside it, disappear.
“Did something scare you?”
Justin pressed harder into the wall, his face straining with the effort.
“Don’t, sweetheart. You’ll hurt yourself. Tell me what’s wrong. I’ll help you fix it.”
“You’ll be angry with me.”
“I doubt that very much but if I am angry that’s okay. I won’t hurt you. I’ll tell you why I’m angry and then we’ll talk about fixing it. If I get angry with you it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I get angry with Dom sometimes, and the dogs, but I go on loving them anyway.”
Justin eased up a bit on pushing himself into the wall and looked at Billy.
“I got angry with Charlotte. Lots.”
“And you still love her, right?”
Justin nodded. “I killed him.”
Billy’s chest tightened. “Who, love? Who did you kill?”
“The soldier.”
“You killed a soldier? How?”
“I ripped his head off.”
Billy looked at Justin’s tiny hands. “How? I don’t understand.”
“He wouldn’t stop being bad. I wanted him to stop but I couldn’t make him. He kept hurting and hurting that little boy. I’d bash his head against the wall every night but he wouldn’t stop. And then…the little boy wouldn’t stop him. He was too scared. He’d cry until I wanted to kill him. And then…I wanted the soldier to hurt him. I was so bad. So I killed him. I killed the soldier. I ripped his fucking face off, Billy! And the little boy peed on him and then I wrapped up the little boy in a blanket and put him in a box. I don’t want to play with him anymore.”
Billy was shaking. He let out an unsteady breath. “Where’s the little boy now, Justin?”
“Under my bed.”
“What?”
“I didn’t want to see him anymore.”
Billy dropped to his knees and peered under the bed. There was a shoebox tucked far back. He drew it out.
“This box, Justin?”
Justin shuddered. He closed his eyes and nodded.
“Can I look? You can keep your eyes closed if you don’t want to see him.”
Justin nodded again.
Billy hesitated. Logic told him that an actual little boy would not fit in this box but fear made him hesitate. He lifted the lid.
Inside was a pillow case wrapped tightly around something. Billy lifted it out and unwound the linen. One of the puppets rolled out. Justin had drawn in marker on the puppet’s face, had given the doll garish makeup. Its legs were cut open and missing parts of its anatomy had been drawn in. Bright green tears streaked the doll’s face.
Billy closed his eyes. He didn’t know what he was feeling, relief and shock and anger and helplessness all hit him hard in the gut.
“I’m not angry with you, Justin.”
“You didn’t see the other one.”
“Where is it?”
“In the bathroom. He’s all full of pee.”
Billy almost laughed at that, glad that Justin had gotten his little revenge on the people who had hurt him.
“It’s okay. I don’t need to see him. I’m not angry.”
“But they were presents. I should have taken care of them.”
“Do you still feel angry?”
“I feel like I put something down that was really heavy. It was really heavy, Billy, and I had to carry it for miles. Thousands of miles. I’m tired.”
Billy got up off the floor and sat on the edge of the bed. Justin crawled to sit beside him
“Justin, I need to tell you some things and I want you to listen very carefully and then I want you to think about what I said. Can you do that?”
“Yes.”
“Before you came here the soldiers told you that if you misbehaved you would be sent to the doctors. The doctors in that place hurt the children. Is that right?”
“Yes.”
“Justin, those men, they weren’t doctors. They lied to you.”
“What were they?”
“I don’t know. They were evil men. Real doctors take an oath. Do you know what an oath is?”
“A promise.”
“Very good. They make a promise to never harm people. They dedicate their whole lives to making people healthy and strong. I’m a doctor, Justin.”
Billy expected fear, or revulsion, but Justin just nodded.
“I know.”
“You do?”
“You work in a hospital, Billy. My mom used to take me to the doctor when I was little. I remember her. She was very old. She used to stick my finger like you did and then she’d give me a candy.”
“You’re very smart. I should have known not to keep a secret from you.”
“Why were you secret?”
Billy laughed. “I thought you’d be angry with me. I thought you’d be afraid of me.”
“And I’d stop loving you?”
“Yes. That would hurt me if you stopped.”
“I won’t stop. I promise. I oath. I’m not afraid of you. You’re a good guy, Billy.”
“I try to be.”
Justin leaned his head against Billy’s shoulder. “I want to go outside. I can still smell the pee-man. It makes my head hurt.”
~*~
The weather had turned quite pleasant. It was the happy end of summer. I should have been harvest time but fresh food was scarce in Buckland. Still, wild flowers were blooming in the fields outside the town and the few imported fruit trees were heavy with crop. Billy and Justin walked a shaded path through the park.
“Dom left this morning. He told me to tell you goodbye.”
“He’s going to get the bad guys.”
“Yes. He wanted to know if you wanted to come live at our house. Only, it won’t be our house for long because we’re moving.”
“You’re going away?”
“I’m going to work at the school. You can come too. If you like living with me you can live in our house at the school or you could decide to live in the dorms with the other children. Someone as smart as you should be in school.”
“I…I can stay with you if I want to?”
“Yes.”
“Until Dom comes back?”
“No, Justin. You can stay with us until you decide to leave. It will be your home if you want it to be.”
“What if I don’t ever decide to leave?”
“Then you’ll stay. But if you do decide to leave you can always come back. That’s what home is. It’s the place you can always return to. It’s the place that has the people who love you, who’ll wait for you, who’ll be brave enough to let you go if you need to, and be glad to have you back when you need to return.”
Justin was crying. There was no sound, just tears streaming down his face.
“Can we go right now?”
Billy wanted to say yes. “Not just yet, Justin. I have to go talk to the social worker and the judge and make it official.”
“When?”
“I think you should be ready to go in a week.”
“I’ll go pack.”
~*~
Billy found Liv’s house easily. It was down the street from Miranda’s. He could hear music playing and he knocked softly on the door. Liv answered.
“You came! I’m so glad.”
She led him inside, through a living room that was filled with boxes, to the back porch where Miranda sat with a young girl in her lap.
“Billy! Hello. This is Emma.”
Emma smiled shyly at Billy.
“Hello.”
Miranda stood the girl on her feet. “Why don’t you go play for awhile, darling.”
The girl skipped off and Miranda came forward to hug Billy and kiss his cheek.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there this morning. I told Liv to look out for you.”
“She did.” Billy turned to his host. “Really. I needed a friendly face and you were lovely.”
“Don’t thank me. It makes me feel guilty. I’m afraid I’ve spilled your secret, but only to Miranda.”
“Congratulations are in order I hear!”
Billy blushed. “It was a formality really. But…a nice one. It was nice to hear.”
“He’s a lucky man.”
Billy was saved from responding by Liv who put a drink in his hand.
“I demand a celebration. Bottoms up, Doctor. There’s precious little to celebrate lately so you must indulge me.”
Billy smiled. “Bean said something like that to me once. At home we used to have a big holiday during the darkest days of winter. It’s important, I think, vital, to celebrate the good in the darkest of times.”
Miranda raised her glass. “To the light in the darkness.”
“To the light.”
Billy drank. The concoction was sweet with just a hint of bitterness.
“Are you moving?” he asked Liv.
“Yes! I’m going to work at the school. We’ll be neighbors.”
“Are you a teacher?”
“No. A lawyer. The school’s growing so quickly, Bean thought it would be a good idea to have one. There’s been some interest in adoptions and I can help with that. He’s a good man, Sean.”
“He is.” Billy paused. “I wasn’t going to say anything but…I must. I’m adopting Justin.”
Miranda jumped out of her chair and let out a squeal of delight. “Billy! I was hoping you would! Liv will help you with the paperwork. Won’t you, Liv?”
“Nothing would make me happier.”
“I thought this was going to be a sad day, with Dom and Viggo leaving.” She sat down, sobering a bit. “And it is, God knows I’ve been crying since dawn, but, Billy, I’m so happy for you.”
“You’ve been crying?”
Looking at her face Billy could now see that it was puffy. Liv gave her a warning look.
“We can trust him, Liv.”
“Trust me?”
Liv kept her eyes on Miranda. “Are you certain?”
Miranda nodded.
Billy looked at Liv. “You can trust me. Miranda was my friend, my rock, when I didn’t have anyone else to turn to. I’d die before I’d let her down.”
Liv put her hand over Billy’s and squeezed it. “We’re at war, Billy. That may be a promise you’d have to keep.”
Billy looked at Miranda. Her eyes were wet.
“Miranda?”
Miranda looked over her shoulder before she spoke and Liv got up to survey the yard. It was quiet, the still of midday.
“Let’s go inside. I’d feel safer.”
~*~
Billy could hear Emma singing down the hall.
“Emma’s my daughter, Billy.”
“Your? Your daughter? You never said you had a daughter.”
“I couldn’t. The League likes to kidnap the families of important officers. I had to…send her away. She was only eight months old when she when we gave her to Liv. Before I came here I hadn’t seen her in three years. Liv is my husband’s cousin. We haven’t told Emma yet. We won’t until after the war.”
Billy sat down on the couch.
“Miranda. I’d no idea. How terrible for you.”
“It’s been difficult. Having to pretend. I’m sorry I lied to you. You’ve been a good friend to me. I didn’t like lying to you.”
“Don’t apologize, for heaven’s sake. Does the League know about you, who you’re married to?”
“Hopefully not. We destroyed the records. If you try to find Emma, she doesn’t exist. Liv and I have different histories. It was the only way. You saw what happens to kidnapped children, Billy.”
Billy pulled her into a hug. “You did the right thing. It was very brave of you. God, Miranda, you’re a marvel. I feel like I can face this now, Dom’s absence, seeing how brave you’ve been.”
Miranda sniffed into Billy’s shoulder. “We’ll face it together. My husband went with Dom. He lied too. He told you we were old friends. And we are. I’ve known Viggo since I was a little girl.”
~*~
The rest of the evening passed pleasantly. At dusk they built a fire in the backyard and sat staring into the flames.
“Dom told me that Viggo has a son.”
“Henry. It was no use trying to hide him, everyone already knew. His mother died in the raid at Ponapart.”
“How did you meet?”
“His father was friends with my grandfather. He would come to our house for a few weeks in the summer. We lived on an estate just outside the capital city. He was always teasing me, like a big brother he was in those days. He went away to training camp and I didn’t see him for years. The summers seemed really empty without him.
After his wife died he came home to Dansk again. He was so broken, and Henry was so small at that time, three or four, I think. Viggo would bring him to the estate and I would walk out with them, visit the animals and have picnics in the grass. I fell in love with him that summer. I was only seventeen.
Of course, he had to go back to the war. He left Henry with his mother. He was gone three more years. I had just graduated from nursing school when he showed up on my doorstep. He was ill, like Dom was. He begged me not to let his parents find out. So I took him in, sat up for three days and nights with him. That autumn we were married.”
“But you’ve never been able to live with him. That’s not fair, Miranda. I’m sorry.”
They sat for a long time in silence. Billy watched the firelight dance over Miranda’s face. She looked like a mythical creature sitting there with her bright hair flowing down.
“Dansk saved my life. I was there when Earth was destroyed.”
“Billy! You never told me that. I didn’t even know you’d been there.”
Billy shrugged. “It’s a hard memory.”
Miranda waited patiently. Billy turned his eyes to the fire and began his tale.
“I grew up listening to the old stories from Dansk. My mother read the Singing Sands to us so many times I think I could recite it before I could walk. I loved the tale of the building of the White Tower, and Atnid’s journey across the seas, but my favorite was the story of Ronin.
So, when I had the chance to actually go to Dansk and see all the places I had dreamt about all through my childhood, I took it. I went to Dansk instead of going home on my leave.
I climbed to the top of the White Tower, and sat in the cathedral on the hill, and walked in the footsteps of Ronin. I was standing on the Great Wall. I was standing in the very spot where Ronin stood when his enemies broke through the outer wall of the castle and captured his sister, Genvive, and rode off with her towards the sea, her white robes billowing in the darkness and a cry on her lips. Do you remember the tale?
Ronin tried to run off after her, and surely would have been killed, but his companion, Gowan, held him back, reminding him of his duty to defend the fortress, to stand between the enemy and all the innocents that were in his care. Ronin tried to push Gowan away and fling himself from the lofty wall, but Gowan held him until the despair turned into rage against the enemy. And Ronin took up his sword and stood against the enemy for all the long hours of the night and in the morning The Plains of Oran, which stretched from the castle to the sea, were soaked with the blood of his foe.
Ronin walked out among the dead. He searched for the white robes and dark hair of his sister as he walked the miles to the sea. He found her lying in the sand by the water. Her robes were gone but the sea had washed all the blood from her wounds and wrapped her in green weeds, as if Dansk itself where shielding her from immodesty. And Ronin wept for he saw that life had fled her body. He wept a full day and night until Gawan found him and led him away.
On that day, when Genvive lay on that beach newly dead, the sands began to sing when the waves washed over them. It is a sad song, but indescribably lovely. And ever since that day, the sea there is called the Gulf of Genvive and it is the most beautiful spot in all of Dansk.”
“You tell it beautifully.”
“That’s an ancient story,” Liv whispered. “Part legend, part history, part myth. I always liked the story of Ronin.”
Billy blushed. He hadn’t meant to get so lost in the story. It’d been a long time since he’d thought about Ronin, the hero who filled the dreaming moments of his childhood.
“My mother told it better.”
“You stood in Ronin’s spot on the wall. I’ve been there many times. What did you think of it?”
Billy winced, “I don’t remember, or the memory is tainted now with pain. Of course it was very beautiful, so beautiful it didn’t seem real. It was like I had wandered into one of the paintings in my storybooks. It was dusk and the red moon was rising out of the sea and I looked down over the castle wall, across the Plains of Oran, and I had a vision. It was too real to be imagination. I saw her. I saw Genvive’s white robes racing across the plain.
And then a gasp went up from the people in the coffee house behind me. My friend had gone in there to get the scores from the game he followed. He came hurrying out and grabbed my hands. His face was white but he wouldn’t, couldn’t, speak to me.
Then, in the chattering of the crowd, I kept hearing the word Earth. My friend said my name, just Billy, Billy, Billy over and over. And the vid screen in the coffee house, I could see it through the window, my beautiful gem of a planet…and the laser…and the dust.
I just…I think I lost my mind, Miranda. I tried to throw myself off the wall. My friend held me back and soon others came to help him. I kept calling for Genvive, for Ronin’s sister, when I had my very own sister to grieve, when I had a whole world to grieve for. I started crying then and I didn’t really stop for two years. I used to think it was poetic license that Ronin knelt in the sand and wept for a day and a night. I didn’t think anyone could cry that long.”
“Oh Billy. It was a very great grief you suffered. I’m sorry Dansk was such a bitter place for you.”
“Oh, I think it’s best that I was there. I don’t think I would have survived if I had been any where else. Is it true that the White Tower is destroyed?”
A tear rolled down Miranda’s cheek. “It stood for two thousand generations, but it’s true, the White Tower fell at last. They say it lies in rubble on the Plains of Oran and the tide washes around the stones. They say the sands sing louder than before, but it is a sadder song and not as lovely. I don’t think I could go back there, even if they rebuild…it would never be the home I remember.”
They sat under the stars until the embers of the fire went out and the blue moon set and the orange moon rose. The cold had the snap of frost in it that night. They held hands and looked a long way up and wondered where, among all those stars, their loves were sailing that night.
Part Ten
d/b
Disclaimer: This is a dream. None of it really happened.
Hope was as thin as the fog was heavy the morning Dom left. Billy wouldn’t let go of him but he smiled all the time. A brave smile. Like a war bride. Which Dom supposed he was, in a way.
They were both sore from making love all night. Dom would have plenty of time to sleep on the transport and Billy had taken the day off though he imagined he’d find himself at the hospital anyway. He’d clean bedpans or mop floors if he had to, anything to keep his mind busy.
“I’ve got to go now.”
“I know.” Billy didn’t let go of Dom’s hand. Dom had said everything he’d meant to say the night before but now he felt like he hadn’t said nearly enough.
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
“Hold on to me. Don’t let go.”
“I won’t.”
“Dream hard?”
“I’ll be too busy. I’ll be making your dreams come true. Don’t forget to wake up.”
“I won’t. Did I tell you that I love you?”
“Yes.”
“How many times? It will never be enough.”
“I know it, Dom. I feel it.”
“Good. That’s good.”
“You’re sure you won’t let me come with?”
“I’m sure. You have work to do here. You’ll always be with me anyway. Bill?”
“Yes, Dom?”
“You love him?”
“Who?”
“Justin.”
“I…yes. I love him.”
“I can’t give you a child, Bill. I’d give you anything you asked for but I can’t give you that.”
“I knew that going in, Dom.”
“You should adopt him.”
“Dom! I…can we talk about this when you get back? I…”
“No, life’s too short to put happiness on hold. Do it, Bill. Start the paperwork. Say you will.”
Billy nodded, not trusting himself to speak.
“Good. I’ve got to go.” He kissed Billy urgently, turned away quickly and walked away. Billy plastered his smile on his face. Dom stopped abruptly and turned back. The captain was blasting orders for everyone to board the transport. Dom was sweating under the weight of his pack. He grabbed Billy’s hand.
“Bill! Marry me? Marry me when I get back?”
Billy laughed. “Dom! I thought that was a foregone conclusion. Of course I will. I’m yours forever.”
“Shut up!” Dom hissed. He kissed Billy’s cheek. “It’s not being done properly.”
Dom dropped to his knee. The captain started to march over to them.
“Monaghan! Get your ass on this ship immediately!”
Dom ignored him. He grabbed Billy’s hand.
“Billy Boyd, will you marry me?”
Billy’s hand trembled in Dom’s grasp.
“Yes, love, I’ll love you forever. Nothing will ever change that. I love you. I’m yours.”
Dom kissed him until the captain barked his name again and then he ran. He didn’t look back.
Billy stood on the tarmac and smiled genuinely for a moment. His eyes blurred with tears. He dropped his smile and looked across the valley to the towers of the hospital.
“Justin.”
He felt a warm hand on his shoulder.
“Did he just propose?”
Billy turned. A young woman with long, brown hair looked back at him.
“Yes. He did.”
“Congratulations. We should celebrate. I’m Liv. I think you’re Dr. Boyd. Miranda’s my…Miranda’s my friend. She speaks highly of you.”
“She lies.” Billy sniffed and wiped his eyes on his sleeve. Liv dug out a handkerchief from her purse.
“I don’t think so somehow. Come have a drink with me. I got a fantastic local recipe from a native. It will have you singing on tables in two minutes flat.”
“That’s kind.” Billy looked towards the hospital again. “I’ve got to check on a patient. Somebody…somebody I love. Didn’t really want to love. Just happened. Love’s like that.” He stopped himself and blushed. “I’m sorry. I…”
She kissed his cheek. “It leaves you breathless and babbling to strangers? Don’t worry, Doctor, we won’t be strangers for long. Check on your patient. And then come to my house. Miranda will be there.”
She handed him a card with her address and walked away. Billy stayed on the tarmac until the transport left. By the time he turned towards the hospital the fog had lifted.
~*~
Justin was curled into the far corner of his bed. This was a sign that his day had not gone well.
“Hello, love.”
Justin pressed his shoulders back against the wall, like he was trying to press himself inside it, disappear.
“Did something scare you?”
Justin pressed harder into the wall, his face straining with the effort.
“Don’t, sweetheart. You’ll hurt yourself. Tell me what’s wrong. I’ll help you fix it.”
“You’ll be angry with me.”
“I doubt that very much but if I am angry that’s okay. I won’t hurt you. I’ll tell you why I’m angry and then we’ll talk about fixing it. If I get angry with you it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I get angry with Dom sometimes, and the dogs, but I go on loving them anyway.”
Justin eased up a bit on pushing himself into the wall and looked at Billy.
“I got angry with Charlotte. Lots.”
“And you still love her, right?”
Justin nodded. “I killed him.”
Billy’s chest tightened. “Who, love? Who did you kill?”
“The soldier.”
“You killed a soldier? How?”
“I ripped his head off.”
Billy looked at Justin’s tiny hands. “How? I don’t understand.”
“He wouldn’t stop being bad. I wanted him to stop but I couldn’t make him. He kept hurting and hurting that little boy. I’d bash his head against the wall every night but he wouldn’t stop. And then…the little boy wouldn’t stop him. He was too scared. He’d cry until I wanted to kill him. And then…I wanted the soldier to hurt him. I was so bad. So I killed him. I killed the soldier. I ripped his fucking face off, Billy! And the little boy peed on him and then I wrapped up the little boy in a blanket and put him in a box. I don’t want to play with him anymore.”
Billy was shaking. He let out an unsteady breath. “Where’s the little boy now, Justin?”
“Under my bed.”
“What?”
“I didn’t want to see him anymore.”
Billy dropped to his knees and peered under the bed. There was a shoebox tucked far back. He drew it out.
“This box, Justin?”
Justin shuddered. He closed his eyes and nodded.
“Can I look? You can keep your eyes closed if you don’t want to see him.”
Justin nodded again.
Billy hesitated. Logic told him that an actual little boy would not fit in this box but fear made him hesitate. He lifted the lid.
Inside was a pillow case wrapped tightly around something. Billy lifted it out and unwound the linen. One of the puppets rolled out. Justin had drawn in marker on the puppet’s face, had given the doll garish makeup. Its legs were cut open and missing parts of its anatomy had been drawn in. Bright green tears streaked the doll’s face.
Billy closed his eyes. He didn’t know what he was feeling, relief and shock and anger and helplessness all hit him hard in the gut.
“I’m not angry with you, Justin.”
“You didn’t see the other one.”
“Where is it?”
“In the bathroom. He’s all full of pee.”
Billy almost laughed at that, glad that Justin had gotten his little revenge on the people who had hurt him.
“It’s okay. I don’t need to see him. I’m not angry.”
“But they were presents. I should have taken care of them.”
“Do you still feel angry?”
“I feel like I put something down that was really heavy. It was really heavy, Billy, and I had to carry it for miles. Thousands of miles. I’m tired.”
Billy got up off the floor and sat on the edge of the bed. Justin crawled to sit beside him
“Justin, I need to tell you some things and I want you to listen very carefully and then I want you to think about what I said. Can you do that?”
“Yes.”
“Before you came here the soldiers told you that if you misbehaved you would be sent to the doctors. The doctors in that place hurt the children. Is that right?”
“Yes.”
“Justin, those men, they weren’t doctors. They lied to you.”
“What were they?”
“I don’t know. They were evil men. Real doctors take an oath. Do you know what an oath is?”
“A promise.”
“Very good. They make a promise to never harm people. They dedicate their whole lives to making people healthy and strong. I’m a doctor, Justin.”
Billy expected fear, or revulsion, but Justin just nodded.
“I know.”
“You do?”
“You work in a hospital, Billy. My mom used to take me to the doctor when I was little. I remember her. She was very old. She used to stick my finger like you did and then she’d give me a candy.”
“You’re very smart. I should have known not to keep a secret from you.”
“Why were you secret?”
Billy laughed. “I thought you’d be angry with me. I thought you’d be afraid of me.”
“And I’d stop loving you?”
“Yes. That would hurt me if you stopped.”
“I won’t stop. I promise. I oath. I’m not afraid of you. You’re a good guy, Billy.”
“I try to be.”
Justin leaned his head against Billy’s shoulder. “I want to go outside. I can still smell the pee-man. It makes my head hurt.”
~*~
The weather had turned quite pleasant. It was the happy end of summer. I should have been harvest time but fresh food was scarce in Buckland. Still, wild flowers were blooming in the fields outside the town and the few imported fruit trees were heavy with crop. Billy and Justin walked a shaded path through the park.
“Dom left this morning. He told me to tell you goodbye.”
“He’s going to get the bad guys.”
“Yes. He wanted to know if you wanted to come live at our house. Only, it won’t be our house for long because we’re moving.”
“You’re going away?”
“I’m going to work at the school. You can come too. If you like living with me you can live in our house at the school or you could decide to live in the dorms with the other children. Someone as smart as you should be in school.”
“I…I can stay with you if I want to?”
“Yes.”
“Until Dom comes back?”
“No, Justin. You can stay with us until you decide to leave. It will be your home if you want it to be.”
“What if I don’t ever decide to leave?”
“Then you’ll stay. But if you do decide to leave you can always come back. That’s what home is. It’s the place you can always return to. It’s the place that has the people who love you, who’ll wait for you, who’ll be brave enough to let you go if you need to, and be glad to have you back when you need to return.”
Justin was crying. There was no sound, just tears streaming down his face.
“Can we go right now?”
Billy wanted to say yes. “Not just yet, Justin. I have to go talk to the social worker and the judge and make it official.”
“When?”
“I think you should be ready to go in a week.”
“I’ll go pack.”
~*~
Billy found Liv’s house easily. It was down the street from Miranda’s. He could hear music playing and he knocked softly on the door. Liv answered.
“You came! I’m so glad.”
She led him inside, through a living room that was filled with boxes, to the back porch where Miranda sat with a young girl in her lap.
“Billy! Hello. This is Emma.”
Emma smiled shyly at Billy.
“Hello.”
Miranda stood the girl on her feet. “Why don’t you go play for awhile, darling.”
The girl skipped off and Miranda came forward to hug Billy and kiss his cheek.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there this morning. I told Liv to look out for you.”
“She did.” Billy turned to his host. “Really. I needed a friendly face and you were lovely.”
“Don’t thank me. It makes me feel guilty. I’m afraid I’ve spilled your secret, but only to Miranda.”
“Congratulations are in order I hear!”
Billy blushed. “It was a formality really. But…a nice one. It was nice to hear.”
“He’s a lucky man.”
Billy was saved from responding by Liv who put a drink in his hand.
“I demand a celebration. Bottoms up, Doctor. There’s precious little to celebrate lately so you must indulge me.”
Billy smiled. “Bean said something like that to me once. At home we used to have a big holiday during the darkest days of winter. It’s important, I think, vital, to celebrate the good in the darkest of times.”
Miranda raised her glass. “To the light in the darkness.”
“To the light.”
Billy drank. The concoction was sweet with just a hint of bitterness.
“Are you moving?” he asked Liv.
“Yes! I’m going to work at the school. We’ll be neighbors.”
“Are you a teacher?”
“No. A lawyer. The school’s growing so quickly, Bean thought it would be a good idea to have one. There’s been some interest in adoptions and I can help with that. He’s a good man, Sean.”
“He is.” Billy paused. “I wasn’t going to say anything but…I must. I’m adopting Justin.”
Miranda jumped out of her chair and let out a squeal of delight. “Billy! I was hoping you would! Liv will help you with the paperwork. Won’t you, Liv?”
“Nothing would make me happier.”
“I thought this was going to be a sad day, with Dom and Viggo leaving.” She sat down, sobering a bit. “And it is, God knows I’ve been crying since dawn, but, Billy, I’m so happy for you.”
“You’ve been crying?”
Looking at her face Billy could now see that it was puffy. Liv gave her a warning look.
“We can trust him, Liv.”
“Trust me?”
Liv kept her eyes on Miranda. “Are you certain?”
Miranda nodded.
Billy looked at Liv. “You can trust me. Miranda was my friend, my rock, when I didn’t have anyone else to turn to. I’d die before I’d let her down.”
Liv put her hand over Billy’s and squeezed it. “We’re at war, Billy. That may be a promise you’d have to keep.”
Billy looked at Miranda. Her eyes were wet.
“Miranda?”
Miranda looked over her shoulder before she spoke and Liv got up to survey the yard. It was quiet, the still of midday.
“Let’s go inside. I’d feel safer.”
~*~
Billy could hear Emma singing down the hall.
“Emma’s my daughter, Billy.”
“Your? Your daughter? You never said you had a daughter.”
“I couldn’t. The League likes to kidnap the families of important officers. I had to…send her away. She was only eight months old when she when we gave her to Liv. Before I came here I hadn’t seen her in three years. Liv is my husband’s cousin. We haven’t told Emma yet. We won’t until after the war.”
Billy sat down on the couch.
“Miranda. I’d no idea. How terrible for you.”
“It’s been difficult. Having to pretend. I’m sorry I lied to you. You’ve been a good friend to me. I didn’t like lying to you.”
“Don’t apologize, for heaven’s sake. Does the League know about you, who you’re married to?”
“Hopefully not. We destroyed the records. If you try to find Emma, she doesn’t exist. Liv and I have different histories. It was the only way. You saw what happens to kidnapped children, Billy.”
Billy pulled her into a hug. “You did the right thing. It was very brave of you. God, Miranda, you’re a marvel. I feel like I can face this now, Dom’s absence, seeing how brave you’ve been.”
Miranda sniffed into Billy’s shoulder. “We’ll face it together. My husband went with Dom. He lied too. He told you we were old friends. And we are. I’ve known Viggo since I was a little girl.”
~*~
The rest of the evening passed pleasantly. At dusk they built a fire in the backyard and sat staring into the flames.
“Dom told me that Viggo has a son.”
“Henry. It was no use trying to hide him, everyone already knew. His mother died in the raid at Ponapart.”
“How did you meet?”
“His father was friends with my grandfather. He would come to our house for a few weeks in the summer. We lived on an estate just outside the capital city. He was always teasing me, like a big brother he was in those days. He went away to training camp and I didn’t see him for years. The summers seemed really empty without him.
After his wife died he came home to Dansk again. He was so broken, and Henry was so small at that time, three or four, I think. Viggo would bring him to the estate and I would walk out with them, visit the animals and have picnics in the grass. I fell in love with him that summer. I was only seventeen.
Of course, he had to go back to the war. He left Henry with his mother. He was gone three more years. I had just graduated from nursing school when he showed up on my doorstep. He was ill, like Dom was. He begged me not to let his parents find out. So I took him in, sat up for three days and nights with him. That autumn we were married.”
“But you’ve never been able to live with him. That’s not fair, Miranda. I’m sorry.”
They sat for a long time in silence. Billy watched the firelight dance over Miranda’s face. She looked like a mythical creature sitting there with her bright hair flowing down.
“Dansk saved my life. I was there when Earth was destroyed.”
“Billy! You never told me that. I didn’t even know you’d been there.”
Billy shrugged. “It’s a hard memory.”
Miranda waited patiently. Billy turned his eyes to the fire and began his tale.
“I grew up listening to the old stories from Dansk. My mother read the Singing Sands to us so many times I think I could recite it before I could walk. I loved the tale of the building of the White Tower, and Atnid’s journey across the seas, but my favorite was the story of Ronin.
So, when I had the chance to actually go to Dansk and see all the places I had dreamt about all through my childhood, I took it. I went to Dansk instead of going home on my leave.
I climbed to the top of the White Tower, and sat in the cathedral on the hill, and walked in the footsteps of Ronin. I was standing on the Great Wall. I was standing in the very spot where Ronin stood when his enemies broke through the outer wall of the castle and captured his sister, Genvive, and rode off with her towards the sea, her white robes billowing in the darkness and a cry on her lips. Do you remember the tale?
Ronin tried to run off after her, and surely would have been killed, but his companion, Gowan, held him back, reminding him of his duty to defend the fortress, to stand between the enemy and all the innocents that were in his care. Ronin tried to push Gowan away and fling himself from the lofty wall, but Gowan held him until the despair turned into rage against the enemy. And Ronin took up his sword and stood against the enemy for all the long hours of the night and in the morning The Plains of Oran, which stretched from the castle to the sea, were soaked with the blood of his foe.
Ronin walked out among the dead. He searched for the white robes and dark hair of his sister as he walked the miles to the sea. He found her lying in the sand by the water. Her robes were gone but the sea had washed all the blood from her wounds and wrapped her in green weeds, as if Dansk itself where shielding her from immodesty. And Ronin wept for he saw that life had fled her body. He wept a full day and night until Gawan found him and led him away.
On that day, when Genvive lay on that beach newly dead, the sands began to sing when the waves washed over them. It is a sad song, but indescribably lovely. And ever since that day, the sea there is called the Gulf of Genvive and it is the most beautiful spot in all of Dansk.”
“You tell it beautifully.”
“That’s an ancient story,” Liv whispered. “Part legend, part history, part myth. I always liked the story of Ronin.”
Billy blushed. He hadn’t meant to get so lost in the story. It’d been a long time since he’d thought about Ronin, the hero who filled the dreaming moments of his childhood.
“My mother told it better.”
“You stood in Ronin’s spot on the wall. I’ve been there many times. What did you think of it?”
Billy winced, “I don’t remember, or the memory is tainted now with pain. Of course it was very beautiful, so beautiful it didn’t seem real. It was like I had wandered into one of the paintings in my storybooks. It was dusk and the red moon was rising out of the sea and I looked down over the castle wall, across the Plains of Oran, and I had a vision. It was too real to be imagination. I saw her. I saw Genvive’s white robes racing across the plain.
And then a gasp went up from the people in the coffee house behind me. My friend had gone in there to get the scores from the game he followed. He came hurrying out and grabbed my hands. His face was white but he wouldn’t, couldn’t, speak to me.
Then, in the chattering of the crowd, I kept hearing the word Earth. My friend said my name, just Billy, Billy, Billy over and over. And the vid screen in the coffee house, I could see it through the window, my beautiful gem of a planet…and the laser…and the dust.
I just…I think I lost my mind, Miranda. I tried to throw myself off the wall. My friend held me back and soon others came to help him. I kept calling for Genvive, for Ronin’s sister, when I had my very own sister to grieve, when I had a whole world to grieve for. I started crying then and I didn’t really stop for two years. I used to think it was poetic license that Ronin knelt in the sand and wept for a day and a night. I didn’t think anyone could cry that long.”
“Oh Billy. It was a very great grief you suffered. I’m sorry Dansk was such a bitter place for you.”
“Oh, I think it’s best that I was there. I don’t think I would have survived if I had been any where else. Is it true that the White Tower is destroyed?”
A tear rolled down Miranda’s cheek. “It stood for two thousand generations, but it’s true, the White Tower fell at last. They say it lies in rubble on the Plains of Oran and the tide washes around the stones. They say the sands sing louder than before, but it is a sadder song and not as lovely. I don’t think I could go back there, even if they rebuild…it would never be the home I remember.”
They sat under the stars until the embers of the fire went out and the blue moon set and the orange moon rose. The cold had the snap of frost in it that night. They held hands and looked a long way up and wondered where, among all those stars, their loves were sailing that night.