(no subject)
Headlong
d/b
Disclaimer: This is fiction
Everything about you wounds me. With you, I am vulnerable. Things matter. My soul feels such tenderness that it becomes pain and anything that brushes up against me is an agony. Colors are too vivid, music too sweet, wine too heady.
My favorite times are when you get one of your too infrequent headaches. Then, I can coo and coddle you, spill my tenderness. You lie on the bed in the dark and writhe, your hands clutching, your back arching. Your breath is loud and hot.
Once, at a party, you got that pinched look about your eyes. I put one hand on your forearm and the other on the small of your back. I moved my thumbs in soothing circles. You turned to look at me. Your face was white and your eyes were dark.
“Don’t let them realize.”
Your champagne glass fell to the floor and shattered, spraying my shoes. Your eyes rolled back and you slumped into me, your face pressed against my neck. I held you to me, held you up. I was so pleased it was my arms you had fallen into. I was mad with excitement and fear, and nearly tearful with tenderness.
People began to exclaim loudly. I shushed them as best I could and led you away to a quiet room. I opened your tie and collar, my fingers flying wildly as they worked.
“It’s never been this bad. Help me.”
On the table was a bottle of aspirin. I shook two into your hand. You swallowed them dry and pressed the heels of your hands against your eyes.
“What can I do?” I put my hands on your shoulders and massaged you.
“Help me lie down.”
I took off my jacket and balled it up on the floor so you could rest your head. I lay next to you, propped up on one elbow.
“What helps?”
You grimaced. “Wanking, sometimes.”
“Oh,” I trembled. “Do you want me to leave you alone? I’ll keep all of them away.” I wanted to. I wanted to stand guard between you and the rest of the world while you did this with your head on my jacket. It would have been enough for me.
“No, I can’t. If I let go of my head it will explode.” Your body twisted in pain and a moan escaped your lips.
I reached over and unbuttoned your trousers. You didn’t say no or yes. You kept your eyes closed and held your head. I unzipped you and rested my hand on your hip.
“You’ll be okay.”
When I had you in my hand you turned away from me, crying out again and again. I wrapped my other arm around you and held you tighter than was necessary. Eventually you broke away. Your face was red and the pinched look hadn’t left your eyes. You tangled your fingers into my hair.
“Give me.” You licked your lips and pulled gently on my hair. “I can’t like this. Give…please.” I was shaking so, sweating through my shirt. I bent my head. It was almost prayerful, holy, a sacred sort of ceremony.
Afterwards I cleaned you up and tucked you back in. I lit a cigarette and blew smoke out the window while you slept. It didn’t matter if you loved me back, as long as you let me love you.
~*~
“Dom says Billy’s sleeping. Perhaps we should go to the pub so we won’t disturb him,” Liv said.
“What about all this food?”
“Always thinking with your stomach, Samwise,” Elijah said.
“We could bring the food. No one will mind. God knows we’d run up enough of a drinks bill to make it worth their while.”
“Do you think Viggo upset him? Is that why?”
“No, no. Dom said Bill has headaches off and on.”
“What did Viggo say to him?”
“Has he seen a doctor?”
“It’s just headaches!”
“Oh, you know Viggo. It doesn’t matter what he said. He’s just so damned eccentric and honest all the time. It’s enough to upset anyone.”
“I’ll make an appointment with my doctor for him on Monday.”
“I don’t think Billy gets upset.”
“Everyone gets upset.”
“I wonder what Dom thinks of Viggo.”
“He doesn’t think anything of him, I should think. They’re so wrapped up in each other they haven’t a spare thought for anyone else.”
“Sour grapes, Elwood?”
“No, no, it’s just…”
“I’ve never seen anyone so in love like that. Not even myself. It’s almost painful to watch.” Liv said.
“You don’t pity him?!”
“No! A little. I envy him mostly. Oh! I don’t know. It’s like watching the sunset. You know how you sometimes have to look away so it doesn’t break your heart? That’s not right. I suppose it breaks your heart because the day is ending. It’s like that ache you get in springtime when everything is blooming so briefly.”
“Either way it comes back to transience, ephemerality. Night falls, blossoms wilt. Love doesn’t have to be like that.”
“Could you sustain such a powerful love forever? I think it’d drive you mad.”
“That’s why we’re born with annoying habits, to save our lovers’ sanity.”
“Your lovers must be the picture of mental health.”
“Do you think they’re lovers then?”
“It doesn’t matter. I just don’t have a better word for what they are.”
“Let’s pack up the food. All of Wellington should get to see Liv in that dress. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go use that line on my wife.”
I listened to them disperse. I didn’t feel guilty for eavesdropping. My skin was prickling hot. I was mixed up in other peoples’ thoughts with you. I brought my cold beer to my lips and gulped it down and down and down. It didn’t help. I was still on fire.
~*~
Dignity. I suppose I should have some. I should develop a sense of self-preservation. I should hold a little something back. I have serious plans to do so, but in your presence my resolve shrivels up and turns to dust. No, worse than that, it’s like it has never been at all. I will, I must, risk everything. Every life needs one mad, headlong, reckless love. Your mine.
“It‘s a nice day for a walk.”
“They’re all nice days.”
“Well, Jane, grab your walking stick.”
“No really. I like to ramble about in any sort of weather.”
“I know you do. Let’s be off.”
“Should I call the lads to join us?”
I frowned. “I don’t want to share you just now.”
“Dom!”
“I’m going to lead you far from civilization and sneak my hand into yours. I’m going to be overly affectionate and flirtatious. It’s up to you if you want others to watch.”
Out in the sun you ambled sedately along, humming to yourself. You were too slow for me and I hated the way I needed to bound, and turn over logs to see the worlds underneath them, and skip stones and get all wet and muddy. You kept your hands in your pockets and were content to experience what the world wanted to show you.
I wanted to be you. I wanted to be you except that I amused you and so I found myself leaping to and fro, chattering on and on, leading you higher and higher up the mountainside. It felt like I was trying to jump out of my own skin and into yours.
“I have an awful urge to thrust certain parts of my body into certain parts of yours.”
“Don’t be shy about telling me. Just say it right out.”
“You don’t know the half of it. I am being shy. I can admit my baser instincts. It’s the other things I try not to shout about.”
“What other things?”
“Just that I love you so much that I hate myself sometimes. How can anything that’s not you be good? I can’t love something apart from you.”
“Not even if it’s something I love?”
“Do you? Oh, fuck, I feel like I’m rolling at your feet like an overeager puppy. I don’t care. That’s the thing of it. I don’t care.”
“I love you.”
You said it so simply, like it didn’t cause you any turmoil at all. That’s okay. I can be the one who gets broken apart by love and you can be the one who is made whole.
“Show me.”
“Here? Now?”
“Always. Everywhere.”
I jumped on you and kissed your face and your ears.
“Dom! Settle. Let me take you home. Let’s go home.”
~*~
The thing is, when your head doesn’t ache you are your own man and you don’t need me at all. You are so content in your own skin. Forgive me for teasing you mercilessly, for making you cry out, and arch, and yearn.
You were over me, inside me, the breaths I breathed in were the breaths you exhaled.
“You’ve got to get closer! Get closer to me!”
“I can’t get any closer, Dom.”
“I want to get inside your body with you. I can’t stand being so apart from you! You’ve got to do something.”
“Hush. I’m right here.”
You rocked your hips, faster and faster.
“Feel it? I’m right here. Part of you.”
Afterwards I begged until you did it again. Then I begged some more.
~*~
“He must have some annoying habits.”
“Well…he hums to himself all the time. It’s so endearing. Like his little Billy soundtrack.”
“So not annoying then?”
“No. Not. Why do you want to find fault with him?” I was suddenly angry.
“I just think you shouldn’t…I’m glad you’re happy. I’m jealous probably. I just don’t want you to…No one’s perfect, Dommie. I don’t want you to get hurt when you find out he isn’t.”
“Can you find any faults with him, Elijah?”
“Well…I love Bill. I don’t know him as well as you do. I’m not so invested in him.”
“Is it so wrong to be in love? I’ve faults enough for both of us.”
Elijah smiled at this but his eyes didn’t smile.
“He seems…very content…with you.” Was all he said.
“He is.” I smiled smugly.
~*~
I’m riddled with faults. I’m annoying and impulsive and I have a self-righteousness that borders on meanness. I am not complacent about anything.
You…when pressed all Elijah can say about you is that you are cheerful to a fault. You don’t get riled up. You don’t tear your soul.
Not even for me.
~*~
“Do it again.”
“Not now, sweetheart. I’m tired.”
“You’ve got your fill of me then?” My voice was hard. You didn’t acknowledge it. You kissed my knuckles. I pulled my hand away roughly.
“I can get it anywhere. I’m a fucking movie star. I don’t need you.”
You looked at me and your eyes were puzzled.
“I can go down to the pub right now and pull a bloke. Would you like that?”
“Do you want to, Dom?”
“It’s not about what I want! Would you be angry? Would you care?”
“Of course I’d care.”
“What would you do? What would you do if I left right now?”
You sat up against the headboard and rubbed your eyes.
“Why are you doing this?”
“You wouldn’t do anything. You’d hum a little song to yourself and sleep. If you loved me you’d be upset sometimes. You wouldn’t be so cheerful.”
“You think I don’t love you because I’m happy? That’s ridiculous, Dom. I’m happy because I love you.”
“You don’t! I don’t believe you!”
“Why!? Because I don’t love in the exact same way you do? I love how you love me, but I’m not you, Dom. I thought that’s why you loved me.”
I flung the covers off of me and they landed on your head. I shoved myself into my clothes.
“What the bloody fuck are you doing?”
“I’m going to the pub. I’m going to find someone who can feel more than one emotion.”
I flung myself out of the house and into the street. I wove like a drunk down the sidewalk wiping furiously at my eyes. I didn’t go to the pub. I don’t know where I went. All I know is that when I finally stopped crying it was dawn and I didn’t love you in the way I used to.
~*~
“You need to talk to him.”
“I have.”
Elijah rolled his eyes. “About more than the consistency of his porridge. He’s hurting and he doesn’t understand.”
“You were right, Elijah. He doesn’t love me as much as I loved him. He didn’t feel anything.”
Elijah’s face became stern, which is a very amusing look on him. “Don’t put words in my mouth, Dom. I never said he didn’t love you. I said he wasn’t without fault. I cautioned you. You were so…you always leap at things, headlong, then you crash to Earth…it’s endearing. It’s what I love about you. But is it really more sincere than Billy’s cocoon of cheerfulness? You were burning up. I didn’t want your wings to melt in some imaginary sun of yours. I didn’t want you to crash out of love because you couldn’t slow down and see it for what it really is.”
“What is it?”
“It’s beautiful. It’s beauty. It’s the kind that can last. It’s not springtime flowers or sunsets. You don’t have to be afraid to blink. It’s a year-long feast. Stop and savor it. Don’t inhale it. It’s a lifetime. It will always be there for you if you let it.”
This is where I want to break the story with one of those curly little dashes and an asterisk. You could image that I nodded thoughtfully, or burst into tears, or some other pathetic, honorable thing.
“Go fuck yourself, Elijah,” I said. I was cutting all my ties. No one loved me. I wanted someone who could fly up on imaginary wings with me, to hell with consequences. I wanted someone who understood that being in love meant being in agony. I wanted someone…something…Oh, I wanted you. But I didn’t admit it.
~*~
“No, before Billy would be heading to the gallows and would remark that at least it was a nice day. You’d want to punch him, but at least he’d have meant it. Now it’s just this plastered on cheerfulness.”
“Well, at least Dom’s a joy to be around.”
“Yeah, I bought him a drink last night and he mocked my choice of beverage.”
“He would have done that before.”
“Yeah, but it was the way he did it. He completely emasculated me. I thought I’d have to sit down to pee for the rest of my life.”
“Billy wouldn’t come surfing today. I all but begged him. I’m worried, Sean. I don’t think he’s been sleeping.”
“He drank a pint of scotch at dinner last week. Christine had to hide his car keys so he wouldn’t drive home.”
“What?”
“Dom! I thought you were going back to the car.”
“Forgot my sandals.”
“Um…”
“Look, shut up, someone drive me home right now.”
No one moved.
“Seriously, if you want me to stop behaving like the world’s biggest prick anytime in the near future I need to get home right now.”
“And you’re sorry,” Elijah said.
“Yes, yes, I’m sorry.”
“My choice of beverages is very macho,” Sean added.
“Don’t push it, Samwise. I’m sorry, not lobotomized.”
“Fair enough.”
~*~
You were watching football with the sound turned off and your eyes closed. I looked at you and was supremely irritated by the fact that your feet smelled, and that you never did laundry until you had steal my clothes to keep from going naked, and by the fact that I know you hate at least three acquaintances of ours but you chide me if I ever say anything negative about them. That’s just dishonest, Bill.
I didn’t love you in the same way anymore. I could see your faults. I could see your faults and they were like the stains and frayed cuffs on my favorite jeans, the ones I didn’t have to be afraid to spill on anymore. The ones I could wear anywhere. The ones that were the most comfy.
“Dom? I thought you were going surfing today?”
“I did but I didn’t have any fun.”
“You love surfing.”
“It’s like flying. I love that. I’ll always love it.”
“Good.”
“I don’t want to be the only one that has to break. I want to be made whole too.”
“What?”
“It’s like my love for you makes you whole but it breaks me. It’s not your fault. I do it to myself. I don’t want to do it anymore. A little breaking, but I can’t go on and on feeling like I’m going to die. It makes me mad. Teach me how not to be mad.”
“Dommie.” You held out your arm for me and I went to you. “Does this madness feel like not sleeping and wishing you could crawl out of your own skin?”
“Sometimes.”
“Don’t do that for me. I like you in your own skin. I think I went a little mad myself when you left. Don’t leave again. I love you.”
“I won’t then. I’m so sorry, Bill.”
“Hush.”
I put my head on your chest and you wove your fingers into my hair.
“I have a headache.”
I sat up. “I’ll fetch the aspirin.”
“Don’t, I’m lying.”
I smiled but I didn’t unbutton your trousers. I kissed your cheek. I savored you. After all, we’ll be loving each other for a long time. There’s no rush.
d/b
Disclaimer: This is fiction
Everything about you wounds me. With you, I am vulnerable. Things matter. My soul feels such tenderness that it becomes pain and anything that brushes up against me is an agony. Colors are too vivid, music too sweet, wine too heady.
My favorite times are when you get one of your too infrequent headaches. Then, I can coo and coddle you, spill my tenderness. You lie on the bed in the dark and writhe, your hands clutching, your back arching. Your breath is loud and hot.
Once, at a party, you got that pinched look about your eyes. I put one hand on your forearm and the other on the small of your back. I moved my thumbs in soothing circles. You turned to look at me. Your face was white and your eyes were dark.
“Don’t let them realize.”
Your champagne glass fell to the floor and shattered, spraying my shoes. Your eyes rolled back and you slumped into me, your face pressed against my neck. I held you to me, held you up. I was so pleased it was my arms you had fallen into. I was mad with excitement and fear, and nearly tearful with tenderness.
People began to exclaim loudly. I shushed them as best I could and led you away to a quiet room. I opened your tie and collar, my fingers flying wildly as they worked.
“It’s never been this bad. Help me.”
On the table was a bottle of aspirin. I shook two into your hand. You swallowed them dry and pressed the heels of your hands against your eyes.
“What can I do?” I put my hands on your shoulders and massaged you.
“Help me lie down.”
I took off my jacket and balled it up on the floor so you could rest your head. I lay next to you, propped up on one elbow.
“What helps?”
You grimaced. “Wanking, sometimes.”
“Oh,” I trembled. “Do you want me to leave you alone? I’ll keep all of them away.” I wanted to. I wanted to stand guard between you and the rest of the world while you did this with your head on my jacket. It would have been enough for me.
“No, I can’t. If I let go of my head it will explode.” Your body twisted in pain and a moan escaped your lips.
I reached over and unbuttoned your trousers. You didn’t say no or yes. You kept your eyes closed and held your head. I unzipped you and rested my hand on your hip.
“You’ll be okay.”
When I had you in my hand you turned away from me, crying out again and again. I wrapped my other arm around you and held you tighter than was necessary. Eventually you broke away. Your face was red and the pinched look hadn’t left your eyes. You tangled your fingers into my hair.
“Give me.” You licked your lips and pulled gently on my hair. “I can’t like this. Give…please.” I was shaking so, sweating through my shirt. I bent my head. It was almost prayerful, holy, a sacred sort of ceremony.
Afterwards I cleaned you up and tucked you back in. I lit a cigarette and blew smoke out the window while you slept. It didn’t matter if you loved me back, as long as you let me love you.
~*~
“Dom says Billy’s sleeping. Perhaps we should go to the pub so we won’t disturb him,” Liv said.
“What about all this food?”
“Always thinking with your stomach, Samwise,” Elijah said.
“We could bring the food. No one will mind. God knows we’d run up enough of a drinks bill to make it worth their while.”
“Do you think Viggo upset him? Is that why?”
“No, no. Dom said Bill has headaches off and on.”
“What did Viggo say to him?”
“Has he seen a doctor?”
“It’s just headaches!”
“Oh, you know Viggo. It doesn’t matter what he said. He’s just so damned eccentric and honest all the time. It’s enough to upset anyone.”
“I’ll make an appointment with my doctor for him on Monday.”
“I don’t think Billy gets upset.”
“Everyone gets upset.”
“I wonder what Dom thinks of Viggo.”
“He doesn’t think anything of him, I should think. They’re so wrapped up in each other they haven’t a spare thought for anyone else.”
“Sour grapes, Elwood?”
“No, no, it’s just…”
“I’ve never seen anyone so in love like that. Not even myself. It’s almost painful to watch.” Liv said.
“You don’t pity him?!”
“No! A little. I envy him mostly. Oh! I don’t know. It’s like watching the sunset. You know how you sometimes have to look away so it doesn’t break your heart? That’s not right. I suppose it breaks your heart because the day is ending. It’s like that ache you get in springtime when everything is blooming so briefly.”
“Either way it comes back to transience, ephemerality. Night falls, blossoms wilt. Love doesn’t have to be like that.”
“Could you sustain such a powerful love forever? I think it’d drive you mad.”
“That’s why we’re born with annoying habits, to save our lovers’ sanity.”
“Your lovers must be the picture of mental health.”
“Do you think they’re lovers then?”
“It doesn’t matter. I just don’t have a better word for what they are.”
“Let’s pack up the food. All of Wellington should get to see Liv in that dress. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go use that line on my wife.”
I listened to them disperse. I didn’t feel guilty for eavesdropping. My skin was prickling hot. I was mixed up in other peoples’ thoughts with you. I brought my cold beer to my lips and gulped it down and down and down. It didn’t help. I was still on fire.
~*~
Dignity. I suppose I should have some. I should develop a sense of self-preservation. I should hold a little something back. I have serious plans to do so, but in your presence my resolve shrivels up and turns to dust. No, worse than that, it’s like it has never been at all. I will, I must, risk everything. Every life needs one mad, headlong, reckless love. Your mine.
“It‘s a nice day for a walk.”
“They’re all nice days.”
“Well, Jane, grab your walking stick.”
“No really. I like to ramble about in any sort of weather.”
“I know you do. Let’s be off.”
“Should I call the lads to join us?”
I frowned. “I don’t want to share you just now.”
“Dom!”
“I’m going to lead you far from civilization and sneak my hand into yours. I’m going to be overly affectionate and flirtatious. It’s up to you if you want others to watch.”
Out in the sun you ambled sedately along, humming to yourself. You were too slow for me and I hated the way I needed to bound, and turn over logs to see the worlds underneath them, and skip stones and get all wet and muddy. You kept your hands in your pockets and were content to experience what the world wanted to show you.
I wanted to be you. I wanted to be you except that I amused you and so I found myself leaping to and fro, chattering on and on, leading you higher and higher up the mountainside. It felt like I was trying to jump out of my own skin and into yours.
“I have an awful urge to thrust certain parts of my body into certain parts of yours.”
“Don’t be shy about telling me. Just say it right out.”
“You don’t know the half of it. I am being shy. I can admit my baser instincts. It’s the other things I try not to shout about.”
“What other things?”
“Just that I love you so much that I hate myself sometimes. How can anything that’s not you be good? I can’t love something apart from you.”
“Not even if it’s something I love?”
“Do you? Oh, fuck, I feel like I’m rolling at your feet like an overeager puppy. I don’t care. That’s the thing of it. I don’t care.”
“I love you.”
You said it so simply, like it didn’t cause you any turmoil at all. That’s okay. I can be the one who gets broken apart by love and you can be the one who is made whole.
“Show me.”
“Here? Now?”
“Always. Everywhere.”
I jumped on you and kissed your face and your ears.
“Dom! Settle. Let me take you home. Let’s go home.”
~*~
The thing is, when your head doesn’t ache you are your own man and you don’t need me at all. You are so content in your own skin. Forgive me for teasing you mercilessly, for making you cry out, and arch, and yearn.
You were over me, inside me, the breaths I breathed in were the breaths you exhaled.
“You’ve got to get closer! Get closer to me!”
“I can’t get any closer, Dom.”
“I want to get inside your body with you. I can’t stand being so apart from you! You’ve got to do something.”
“Hush. I’m right here.”
You rocked your hips, faster and faster.
“Feel it? I’m right here. Part of you.”
Afterwards I begged until you did it again. Then I begged some more.
~*~
“He must have some annoying habits.”
“Well…he hums to himself all the time. It’s so endearing. Like his little Billy soundtrack.”
“So not annoying then?”
“No. Not. Why do you want to find fault with him?” I was suddenly angry.
“I just think you shouldn’t…I’m glad you’re happy. I’m jealous probably. I just don’t want you to…No one’s perfect, Dommie. I don’t want you to get hurt when you find out he isn’t.”
“Can you find any faults with him, Elijah?”
“Well…I love Bill. I don’t know him as well as you do. I’m not so invested in him.”
“Is it so wrong to be in love? I’ve faults enough for both of us.”
Elijah smiled at this but his eyes didn’t smile.
“He seems…very content…with you.” Was all he said.
“He is.” I smiled smugly.
~*~
I’m riddled with faults. I’m annoying and impulsive and I have a self-righteousness that borders on meanness. I am not complacent about anything.
You…when pressed all Elijah can say about you is that you are cheerful to a fault. You don’t get riled up. You don’t tear your soul.
Not even for me.
~*~
“Do it again.”
“Not now, sweetheart. I’m tired.”
“You’ve got your fill of me then?” My voice was hard. You didn’t acknowledge it. You kissed my knuckles. I pulled my hand away roughly.
“I can get it anywhere. I’m a fucking movie star. I don’t need you.”
You looked at me and your eyes were puzzled.
“I can go down to the pub right now and pull a bloke. Would you like that?”
“Do you want to, Dom?”
“It’s not about what I want! Would you be angry? Would you care?”
“Of course I’d care.”
“What would you do? What would you do if I left right now?”
You sat up against the headboard and rubbed your eyes.
“Why are you doing this?”
“You wouldn’t do anything. You’d hum a little song to yourself and sleep. If you loved me you’d be upset sometimes. You wouldn’t be so cheerful.”
“You think I don’t love you because I’m happy? That’s ridiculous, Dom. I’m happy because I love you.”
“You don’t! I don’t believe you!”
“Why!? Because I don’t love in the exact same way you do? I love how you love me, but I’m not you, Dom. I thought that’s why you loved me.”
I flung the covers off of me and they landed on your head. I shoved myself into my clothes.
“What the bloody fuck are you doing?”
“I’m going to the pub. I’m going to find someone who can feel more than one emotion.”
I flung myself out of the house and into the street. I wove like a drunk down the sidewalk wiping furiously at my eyes. I didn’t go to the pub. I don’t know where I went. All I know is that when I finally stopped crying it was dawn and I didn’t love you in the way I used to.
~*~
“You need to talk to him.”
“I have.”
Elijah rolled his eyes. “About more than the consistency of his porridge. He’s hurting and he doesn’t understand.”
“You were right, Elijah. He doesn’t love me as much as I loved him. He didn’t feel anything.”
Elijah’s face became stern, which is a very amusing look on him. “Don’t put words in my mouth, Dom. I never said he didn’t love you. I said he wasn’t without fault. I cautioned you. You were so…you always leap at things, headlong, then you crash to Earth…it’s endearing. It’s what I love about you. But is it really more sincere than Billy’s cocoon of cheerfulness? You were burning up. I didn’t want your wings to melt in some imaginary sun of yours. I didn’t want you to crash out of love because you couldn’t slow down and see it for what it really is.”
“What is it?”
“It’s beautiful. It’s beauty. It’s the kind that can last. It’s not springtime flowers or sunsets. You don’t have to be afraid to blink. It’s a year-long feast. Stop and savor it. Don’t inhale it. It’s a lifetime. It will always be there for you if you let it.”
This is where I want to break the story with one of those curly little dashes and an asterisk. You could image that I nodded thoughtfully, or burst into tears, or some other pathetic, honorable thing.
“Go fuck yourself, Elijah,” I said. I was cutting all my ties. No one loved me. I wanted someone who could fly up on imaginary wings with me, to hell with consequences. I wanted someone who understood that being in love meant being in agony. I wanted someone…something…Oh, I wanted you. But I didn’t admit it.
~*~
“No, before Billy would be heading to the gallows and would remark that at least it was a nice day. You’d want to punch him, but at least he’d have meant it. Now it’s just this plastered on cheerfulness.”
“Well, at least Dom’s a joy to be around.”
“Yeah, I bought him a drink last night and he mocked my choice of beverage.”
“He would have done that before.”
“Yeah, but it was the way he did it. He completely emasculated me. I thought I’d have to sit down to pee for the rest of my life.”
“Billy wouldn’t come surfing today. I all but begged him. I’m worried, Sean. I don’t think he’s been sleeping.”
“He drank a pint of scotch at dinner last week. Christine had to hide his car keys so he wouldn’t drive home.”
“What?”
“Dom! I thought you were going back to the car.”
“Forgot my sandals.”
“Um…”
“Look, shut up, someone drive me home right now.”
No one moved.
“Seriously, if you want me to stop behaving like the world’s biggest prick anytime in the near future I need to get home right now.”
“And you’re sorry,” Elijah said.
“Yes, yes, I’m sorry.”
“My choice of beverages is very macho,” Sean added.
“Don’t push it, Samwise. I’m sorry, not lobotomized.”
“Fair enough.”
~*~
You were watching football with the sound turned off and your eyes closed. I looked at you and was supremely irritated by the fact that your feet smelled, and that you never did laundry until you had steal my clothes to keep from going naked, and by the fact that I know you hate at least three acquaintances of ours but you chide me if I ever say anything negative about them. That’s just dishonest, Bill.
I didn’t love you in the same way anymore. I could see your faults. I could see your faults and they were like the stains and frayed cuffs on my favorite jeans, the ones I didn’t have to be afraid to spill on anymore. The ones I could wear anywhere. The ones that were the most comfy.
“Dom? I thought you were going surfing today?”
“I did but I didn’t have any fun.”
“You love surfing.”
“It’s like flying. I love that. I’ll always love it.”
“Good.”
“I don’t want to be the only one that has to break. I want to be made whole too.”
“What?”
“It’s like my love for you makes you whole but it breaks me. It’s not your fault. I do it to myself. I don’t want to do it anymore. A little breaking, but I can’t go on and on feeling like I’m going to die. It makes me mad. Teach me how not to be mad.”
“Dommie.” You held out your arm for me and I went to you. “Does this madness feel like not sleeping and wishing you could crawl out of your own skin?”
“Sometimes.”
“Don’t do that for me. I like you in your own skin. I think I went a little mad myself when you left. Don’t leave again. I love you.”
“I won’t then. I’m so sorry, Bill.”
“Hush.”
I put my head on your chest and you wove your fingers into my hair.
“I have a headache.”
I sat up. “I’ll fetch the aspirin.”
“Don’t, I’m lying.”
I smiled but I didn’t unbutton your trousers. I kissed your cheek. I savored you. After all, we’ll be loving each other for a long time. There’s no rush.