A small contribution to begin the monaboyd celebration
Title: Irrepressible
Author: foxrafer
Characters: Billy/Dom
Rating: G
Word count: 1,699 words
Disclaimer: All make-believe and not written for financial gain
Warnings: None
Author's note: AU written for monaboyd_month 2013. This is very Billy-centric.
Billy felt that unmistakeable pull the minute he first met Dom. At first he thought it was merely a byproduct of the instant affinity they had for one another, a boundless friendship almost from the moment they said hello. Over time he recognized it for what it truly was and it both excited and terrified him. He felt almost too full with emotion, with feelings he wasn't even sure he could put words to if he tried.
There were times when Billy thought the desire was mutual. A subtle shift in Dom's eyes when he was looking at him, hugs and touches that seemed to linger just beyond the realm of mates. It would have all been exhilarating, intoxicating, thrilling beyond belief. Except Dom was with Colin, a textbook 'tall, dark and handsome' executive with a polished car and a matching M.O. And Dom was clearly head-over-heels, lasso-the-moon smitten.
But there was something about his rival that set Billy's teeth on edge. He was too smooth, too practiced. It was almost as if even his spontaneity was well-rehearsed. His only goal in life seemed to be all about becoming as rich as humanly possible; his greed was limitless and in his mind his coffers could never be full enough. Worse than that, he didn't seem to appreciate or respect Dom. In fact, Colin seemed incapable of loving anything but his bank account, and Billy believed he wouldn't be a friend if he didn't try to open Dom's eyes to the truth.
"How well do you really know Colin?" "Sometimes it's as if he sees you as nothing more than an accessory." "He's a manipulative bastard who cares about nothing but making money and himself."
Every time, Dom would smile and laugh, but for the first time they didn't send warm shivers down Billy's spine. There was distance in Dom's eyes, near condescension in his face.
"You just need to get to know him better." "You'll meet your Colin one day." "Jealousy doesn't look good on you, Bill."
Billy'd wanted to shout at him, shake some sense into him. But instead he'd simply licked his wounds, mended slightly dented fences, and watched as Colin continued to take what should be the love of his life for granted, continued to act as if Dom didn't even make his top ten list of 'most important things'. And Billy tried hard to ignore the sharp blade of emotions that sliced through him every day, that kept him slightly frayed and torn.
Over time, as with most things, the ragged feelings began to fade. But just when things began to be on a more even keel, Dom announced he and Colin were moving to Los Angeles. Colin was heading toward an "amazing" job and Dom was heading toward Colin. Billy couldn't help feeling Dom had never figured into the decision, couldn't stop himself from asking if Colin had at least discussed it with him before accepting the job. He saw the slight wince cross Dom's face in the moment before he managed to push it back, but there was still an uncomfortable curve across his shoulders, and an almost defensive posture that belied the casual shrug and the upbeat tone of his voice.
Dom's responses boiled down to "You wouldn't understand" and "I'm sure I'll find something interesting once I get there", neither of which satisfied Billy at all. Every fiber of his being wanted to tell him not to go, not to move so far away just for the love of a man who clearly didn't love him back. But this time he kept his mouth shut and this time the pain in his gut threatened to undo him.
# # #
Two years went by and Billy finally believed his heart had moved on. A few months ago he'd found Adam, a quirky goof of a man that made him laugh, that made him feel cared for. He wasn't sure if it was love, but he couldn't be happier. Or so he told Dom when he unexpectedly appeared back in London one sunny afternoon, the gloss of the romance having long become dull and the sweet milk of Hollywood unglamorously turned sour.
The first thing Billy noticed was how pale Dom was, the polar opposite of California tan, his skin an odd pallor that made him look ill even though his body was toned and trim. Billy tried to make a joke about it but found Dom strangely unreceptive. He was quieter than he used to be with a slightly harder edge around him that seemed to chafe against his skin, leaving him raw and unfiltered. He wouldn't talk about Colin or LA and Billy forced himself to be fine with the silence; he saw the sadness and self-loathing eating away at his friend but any offers of assistance were met with an icy reception.
Dom's instant antipathy toward Adam, however, was not okay. There was constant sarcasm, biting comments, a not very subtle disdain. This wasn't the Dom he knew, or rather it was a part of Dom without the filter of his good nature and sense of humor, and it was ugly and repugnant to Billy. They clashed a lot, more than Billy was comfortable with, but he was instinctively protective of Adam so confrontation was inevitable. For a while it seemed he and Dom had lost too much in the past few years, their natural rapport no longer seeing them through disagreement and difficulties. But as the weeks passed, Dom began to shed some of the cynicism and anger he'd wrapped around himself, the depression he refused to speak about began to loosen its hold on him, and slowly the man Billy had fallen in love with years ago began to reappear.
Billy reminded himself how nice things had been for the past few months, told himself how Adam was much more suitable for him. And he was, in just about every way. But as he and Dom began to slide back toward that well-worn intimacy, that connection unlike anything else in Billy's life, he felt a rightness of place and purpose like nothing he'd ever experienced before. But he wasn't a cheater and he'd made a commitment, so he pulled back, pushed away from the ever-building spark, and was quickly met with quiet reproach.
"You've always been someone who followed their heart."
Dom's words echoed in Billy's mind. He heard the pain of unexpected rejection mixed with an almost bitter accusation. But Billy wasn't swayed. He knew sometimes his heart led to dead ends, and sometimes it wanted what it should never have.
# # #
The last four years have raced by for Billy, as if for 48 months he'd been a passenger in a formula one car. He hadn't felt fully in control of anything, had found himself observing more than acting, and it was starting to prickle at his nerves, eat away at his psyche.
Two years ago he and Adam had simply drifted apart; what at one time had seemed essential now was merely a footnote to his life. Still friends, always friends, but they saw very little of each other and Billy was unsure if that was good or bad. When he allowed himself to think about it, he'd let many people slowly move away from him, or perhaps it was more accurate to say he'd been the one to leave. He'd taken up residence on the fringes of his own life, not allowing anything deep or substantial to penetrate defenses he was only superficially aware of building.
The one constant had always been Dom, but with him came a whole range of unwanted complications, of feelings Billy thought he'd be better off without. For Adam's sake, he'd convinced himself it'd merely been an infatuation, for his own sanity had told himself their friendship was too important to risk. And over time, Billy believed he'd lost the ability to fully dive into any emotion, whether connected to Dom or not. Being around Dom was a steady reminder of how numb Billy had become in all aspects of his life, going through the motions rather than actually living each day. His feelings had become more like masks he exchanged to fit the occasion, rather than deep pools he spontaneously immersed himself in.
One morning he woke up with only one thought screaming in his brain: "I want to feel again."
Change came slowly but it did come, in almost every aspect of his life but one. His personal life remained blocked, stuck in neutral against years of denial and fear, of refusing to see what he wanted or to act on his desires. But when Dom came over for their regular MSTie night, as Joel and the Bots began to be subjected to Monster-a-Go-Go for what must be the hundredth time, he couldn't stop watching Dom, the unconscious clenching of his jaw, the rise and fall of his breath. Billy felt like he was waiting for courage, but he wasn't sure if there was any still to be found.
He saw the moment when Dom realized he was being watched, and inexplicably a sudden calmness settled over them both. The restless fidgeting ceased, and Billy reached for him, fingers curling in the hairs at the nape of Dom's neck. He thought he heard a soft sigh, doesn't know which of them it might have come from, but then Dom was moving, so fast Billy almost jumped away. And he was impossibly close and moving closer. And the kiss was more of a clash than a whisper but nothing had ever felt more right or more true.
When they pulled apart Dom smiled at him, bordering on a smirk, his eyes dark and dancing, and then he settled back against the sofa, Billy's arm flung across his shoulders. They both turned back toward the television, quiet and content. In that moment, everything was different yet wonderfully familiar, and Billy could feel it fully, an effervescence that tickled the hairs on his arm and left him nearly giddy with delight. It was an unmistakeable pull, one he recognized from the moment they met, and for once he does nothing to deny it.