My Secrets.
Today has sucked. I didn't do much except for be lazy. I am good at that. Last week I stayed with Amy which was pretty fucking awesome. We ended up getting a bit tipsy while trying to play Monopoly; it was quite hilarious. Then one of her other friends, Brandon came over and he played Monopoly with us. It sucked though, because Brandon works with Matt. Some of his facial expressions reminded me of Matt and it fucking sucked because I hate thinking about him. I really do. I wish I could erase him from my mind. He was a good friend, but I guess when I confessed that I do like him he just started avoiding me like most guys do. I think I am starting to develop some type of complex with guys. I used to think that I was somewhat decent looking, but now that's changing. I honestly don't give a damn about what I look like, but I just wish I could find someone to love me. I am sick and fucking tired of going out in public and seeing these couples swoon for one another and act so "in love". Don't they know it don't last. I used to believe in love, but now I don't. It never lasts. You'll eventually end up with a broken heart. So there might be a few good memories, but in the end we'll all be alone. Then you'll be just another fake emo kid, crying because no one loves you. Look at it like this, at least you got to be loved. It might not have worked out, but you got to experience it. There are some of us who have yet to experience love, and I doubt I ever will. Maybe it's because I don't trust people, maybe it's because I'm ugly. I don't know. But I do know that I will end up alone. In a demented away, I guess I always enjoyed being alone. There's something about the dead silence that allows me to think freely, as multiple memories come rushing back to me; some that I have kept to myself for years. I am not a very open person about my personal life. They're my secrets, no need to spread them around like a whore infested with STD's.
I am sick of people playing games with me and lying to me about the stupidest shit. I am not dumb; in fact, I am way smarter than I look. If you don't want to talk to me anymore, then just fucking tell me. It's not going to break me. I'll just have one less friend and one less person to worry myself about. I hate it when people avoid me without giving me a reason why. Is it really that hard to explain to someone why you don't want to talk to them anymore? Call me a bitch, but I am honest, if I don't want to freaking talk to you I won't, but I'll at least be nice enough to tell you what you did to piss me off.
The other day I was thinking about everything, especially my past and I sometimes wish I could go back to the high school days and then maybe my future would be better, but hell we all can't spend our time dwelling on the past. It's called the past for a reason. There's not a damn thing you can do about it, so why dwell on it constantly. I need to focus on my future, but it just seems as dull as my present. I don't know what's going to happen to me, because making it through another day is survival alone. I hate it. I am not a jealous at all, but maybe if I actually had something worth living for then maybe I might have a different perspective on life.
XOXOXO
MONICA
