Life Can Change in the Blink of an Eye.
WOW.
I really haven't updated much on here. 0_0 It' s just that a lot of shit has been going on with me & I really don't know what to do.
March 15th, my Grandma was diagnosed with cancer, and it couldn't be the curable kind. It was lung cancer which had spread to her bones then to her esphogus, stomach, kidneys. It's all through her & I just didn't see it coming. It happened out of nowhere. It's like one day she was up cooking, cleaning & we even went shopping & that night she dropped me off at my friends house. Then the next morning I get a call on my cell from my mom telling me that my Grandma was going to the hospital because of severe back pain. My Grandma was always one who could handle pain & when she went to the hospital or doctor, it was bad! I figured with the weather being so crazy, that she might have a slight case of Pneumonia, but noooooo it had to be fucking cancer! It was a shock to us all. I could hardly think straight for the first week, because no one had a clue as to what to do. Of course she stayed in the hospital, but nothing so far has turned out good. There is not one positive thing, except for the fact that she is still with us, which no one really knows how long that will be. I love her to death. She has always been there for me, when I needed anything I really don't know what I would have done with out her. I could always go to her for anykind of help. Just thinking about this whole damn situation brings tears to my eyes, because I really don't know how much longer I have with her, and I am not ready to let her go. I don't want her to suffer, though. I feel like as if I am living in some fucking horrible ass nightmare and I can't wake up! Oh God, I wish I could wake up and everything would be alright, but that's not how life is. Life can be cruel and rip the most precious people right out from under you and throw you for a complete loop. Yeah that's how I feel. I knew my Grandma was sick, but none of us ever thought she would wind up with cancer through out her body. About a month ago her stupid doctor gave her three Chemotherapy treatments, and it only made her weaker and sicker. Her hair is gone. She can't freaking walk. She can barely talk half the time and it fucking breaks my heart to see her like that. I really don't have anyone to talk to, and I am not one for expressing my emotions verbally; that's why I am sitting her typing all of this. It's the only way to get all this off my chest. I feel like crying, but I am holding back tears. Tears of fear, of worry, of regret. My Grandma would have done anything for any of us, and she always tried to help me, now we all must be strong for her and help her. I know she can't get better, but I just want her to be comfortable and not in a lot of pain & like I said before I am not ready to let her go. It sounds selfish, but how can you really let go of the one person who has been there for you through out everhting go??? You can't. It's complicated. It's difficult. I want to scream. I want to shout & yank all my hair out, because this all seems so unreal. I would give anything if I could go back in time, but I can't spend time dwelling on the "what-if's" in life. I just gotta make the time I spend with her count!!! What does anyone do after they lose a loved one? Does the pain ever go away? I don't think it ever goes away. I just think it becomes more easier to deal with as time goes by, but I know that if anything happens to her I'll never be the same again.
I LOVE YOU GRANDMA!!