LJ Idol - Week 19 - Blanket

[monkeysugarmama]

The blanket was a creamy fleece, bordered in satin, with a smiling, sleepy Pooh Bear embroidered on one corner. Unbelievably soft, I ran my finger over the words beneath Pooh. “Goodnight, baby,” it gently whispered. Balling it in my fist, I ground my teeth together and thrust it elbow deep in a black garbage bag.

Pregnancy never seemed like

Comments

[crazyxcrunner88]

wow i never knew the whole story and this almost made my cry. i am so proud of you for sharing and your courage is unbelievable! great job sweetie :)

[monkeysugarmama]

Aww, Nikki. Thank you for reading!

I don't think I was terribly courageous at all,I just did what I had to get through it.

As I said to someone above, miscarriage is so common - my midwife with Sam said while they estimate about 18% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, the number is probably more like 25% because so many happen SO early on a woman would never knowit was more than an unusual period.

In college I took an Eastern spiritual thought class and in the Hindu religion they think babies choose their parents. To calm myself,I have often wondered if that baby was Sam, who came back to me after the fact, knowing we were the parents he wanted, he just had to try twice because his first body was broken.

[firesign10]

*wordless.......*

*hugs*

[monkeysugarmama]

Thank you.

*hugs back*

I realized in writing this I'd be making some people sad, but I figured it was time.

[popfiend]

*hugs*

All grieving must be done in it's own time.

It never ends.

What you learn to do is integrate it into your life so it doesn't cripple you and so that your grief doesn't become a replacement for the thing you lost.

This story is as much about your travels from the first stages to the place you are now.

Whether you know it or not, being able to TELL this story says wonders about you and it also says that you are in the latter part of the story...not the former.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thank you for this precious gift.

*hug*

[monkeysugarmama]

Hugs to you too, Mr. Fiend. I was telling my husband after your comments about my love story entry, that I think, although we have never met, that you have one of the most amazing souls I've ever encountered.

Kind and wise.

Like I mentioned to Miss Rain above, there is a lot of the story I didn't tell, because then it would have carried on for another six pages, about my recovery and even my fear, when I found myself pregnant again, to fall in love with the new baby because I was scared to lose it too.

There was just something wrong with that tiny baby's body, and as my mom and biologist husband were quick to point out, there was a reason it wouldn't have made it in the world, so what happened is better...no less heartbreaking...but better for that child anyway.

It's only taken four, almost five years to write this down. But, I think it was time and I appreciate you reading and supporting me too.

[kittenboo]

so similar to what happened to me. that feeling of those weeks being lie, that is hard to get over.

and i kept the box of baby stuff in our attic for a long time before finally giving it away to a women's shelter.

beautifully written

*hugs*

[monkeysugarmama]

I am so glad you managed to come to peace with your mscarriage too, Kittenboo. I remember when you wrote about it last season, and some of the incredibly hurtful things your husband's detractors were saying online...I wanted to personally go strangle them for you. My hurt was intense, but it was primarily in private - I cannot imagine what you went through.

And I am glad you have Indy to cuddle now. It definitely makes healthy pregnancies and healthy babies seem even more miraculous.

*hugs back*

[johnmill79]

I don't really know what to say. This is heart-wrenching. You've done a wonderful job in the telling, though.

[monkeysugarmama]

My 20's were such a time of growth for me. Often, that kind of growth comes with some pretty serious growng pains. It was an awful time, but I learned a lot about myself then, and realized i was both stronger and weaker than I had previously imagined.

Thank you for reading, John.