7th dream; [lullaby]
WARNINGS: R for gore and violence toward small children.
You are holding a baby girl. She is perfect in every way. She has a little snub nose, soft little kicking feet, and eyes as verdant as the bamboo grove you just discovered her in. She is your daughter. Her name is Jun.
Holding Jun's tiny, warm form fills you with more pride and happiness than anything in your entire life ever has. You cradle her softly to your chest, but she begins to cry.
"It's okay, Jun. Daddy's here. Daddy's always going to be here."
But Jun won't stop crying, even when you rock her gently. You know, instinctively, that she is tired. She needs to be soothed and put to bed. You think, perhaps, that singing to her will help.
You realize you don't know any lullabies.
Sure, you've read the words and music in books. You've overheard them. But no one ever sang you any, and when you open your mouth to sing, your mind goes blank.
And just as your thoughts are beginning to succumb to hopelessness (you're no good as a father how could someone like you ever be able to take care of beautiful, perfect Jun, the fact is that she hates you she hates her own father), you hear a voice as familiar to you as your own.
"I'll take care of her."
It's Kanan, your honey-haired lover. Your beloved sister. You're overwhelmed with relief and give her Jun. There is no one sweeter or kinder in the world than Kanan, you are certain she'll be able to help. And so it is a moment before you see that her graceful hands are covered in blood, her white dress is stained and suffused with red. It is too late when she opens her mouth, not to sing but to tear Jun's heart out in one single, savage bite.
She crushes the infant's still-beating organ like a strawberry in her teeth. Blood drips down her chin.
"Jun...!" You call for her, but it is too late.
Your daughter has died silently. Now your sister (your beloved, but she is dead, she has been dead for years, why is she here) throws her to the ground like an apple core.
The bamboo grove spins around you for one sickening second. You don't know what to feel, what to do. You're completely frozen until Kanan speaks.
"You loved her more than me."
"Kanan..."
"You loved them all more than me."
Now the forest stills. Amidst the slender green trees are corpses. Nearby is your wife. Her heart torn out, the blood fresh, her sparkling violet eyes now dull. You kneel next to Yukari, then look up to the monster that is your dead lover. Your sister whom you defiled.
"How... no one can kill Yukari. That's part of the reason..."
You love her so much.
"You did the impossible for me, is it so strange I'd do the same for you?"
"Why...?"
Though you tremble, you rise to your feet. Stepping over to the next array of corpses (white robes blond hair oh please don't let it be), you step on something hard and metal. Sanzo's gun. And just beyond (no) is Sanzo's corpse (no) and Goku's body (no) just beneath him.
And beyond that, red.
No.
(Not again.)
You can't bear to look.
Kanan is poking at Jun's corpse with her toe, her lip curled in disgust. She has not wiped the blood from her mouth.
You now know that this forest is filled with the dead. You see Anko's body out there, Konan's, Kakashi's, Akira's... so many.
"Why." You repeat it numbly. It's a demand more than a question.
"You killed a thousand youkai because they came between you and me. Really, I haven't even approached that number."
"Why."
"You forgot me, Gonou." Kanan looks to you then, her eyes filled with tears. You cannot hate her.
"I never forgot you."
"YOU FORGOT ME." She flies at you like a banshee, beating your chest with her fists, but she is small. She is only a human. She can't do anything at all. She's dead. "YOU FORGOT ME YOU FORGOT ME YOU FORGOT ME. Why do you get friends? A wife? A soulmate? A child? I was raped and tortured. I endured things you can't begin to imagine, and I waited. Waited for you."
"You didn't wait for me," and you have never said this to anyone never admitted it to anyone and you can't hate her but you're angry you are so angry at her, "You waited for a knife."
Kanan ignores the jab, continues her attack. "Why do you get to be happy, Gonou? You're sick. So much sicker than me."
The tears slip down her cheeks in silver rivulets. The blood runs.
You take her in your arms. Pull her to the ground with you. In your embrace she's impossibly small and fragile. She's warm.
"You don't even love them. You don't love anyone, not even me, but you got it all. And I'm dead, Gonou. I'm dead."
The words hurt you somewhere, some part of you that isn't here, right now, petting her hair gently. Because if it isn't love that you feel right now, then it's at least calm affection and protectiveness. She's hurting. You need to take care of her.
"Sleep now, Kanan."
She's sobbing. Wailing. You rock her gently to your chest, and start to sing a lullaby.
The moon is bright, the wind is quiet,
The tree leaves hang over the window,
My little baby, go to sleep quickly,
Sleep, dreaming sweet dreams.
Kanan quiets. Crumbles and rots in your arms, and you're alone in the forest with a dozen corpses.
[Hakkai sits up in bed, looking pale. He untangles himself from limbs and bedclothes and quickly leaves the room.]
You are holding a baby girl. She is perfect in every way. She has a little snub nose, soft little kicking feet, and eyes as verdant as the bamboo grove you just discovered her in. She is your daughter. Her name is Jun.
Holding Jun's tiny, warm form fills you with more pride and happiness than anything in your entire life ever has. You cradle her softly to your chest, but she begins to cry.
"It's okay, Jun. Daddy's here. Daddy's always going to be here."
But Jun won't stop crying, even when you rock her gently. You know, instinctively, that she is tired. She needs to be soothed and put to bed. You think, perhaps, that singing to her will help.
You realize you don't know any lullabies.
Sure, you've read the words and music in books. You've overheard them. But no one ever sang you any, and when you open your mouth to sing, your mind goes blank.
And just as your thoughts are beginning to succumb to hopelessness (you're no good as a father how could someone like you ever be able to take care of beautiful, perfect Jun, the fact is that she hates you she hates her own father), you hear a voice as familiar to you as your own.
"I'll take care of her."
It's Kanan, your honey-haired lover. Your beloved sister. You're overwhelmed with relief and give her Jun. There is no one sweeter or kinder in the world than Kanan, you are certain she'll be able to help. And so it is a moment before you see that her graceful hands are covered in blood, her white dress is stained and suffused with red. It is too late when she opens her mouth, not to sing but to tear Jun's heart out in one single, savage bite.
She crushes the infant's still-beating organ like a strawberry in her teeth. Blood drips down her chin.
"Jun...!" You call for her, but it is too late.
Your daughter has died silently. Now your sister (your beloved, but she is dead, she has been dead for years, why is she here) throws her to the ground like an apple core.
The bamboo grove spins around you for one sickening second. You don't know what to feel, what to do. You're completely frozen until Kanan speaks.
"You loved her more than me."
"Kanan..."
"You loved them all more than me."
Now the forest stills. Amidst the slender green trees are corpses. Nearby is your wife. Her heart torn out, the blood fresh, her sparkling violet eyes now dull. You kneel next to Yukari, then look up to the monster that is your dead lover. Your sister whom you defiled.
"How... no one can kill Yukari. That's part of the reason..."
You love her so much.
"You did the impossible for me, is it so strange I'd do the same for you?"
"Why...?"
Though you tremble, you rise to your feet. Stepping over to the next array of corpses (white robes blond hair oh please don't let it be), you step on something hard and metal. Sanzo's gun. And just beyond (no) is Sanzo's corpse (no) and Goku's body (no) just beneath him.
And beyond that, red.
No.
(Not again.)
You can't bear to look.
Kanan is poking at Jun's corpse with her toe, her lip curled in disgust. She has not wiped the blood from her mouth.
You now know that this forest is filled with the dead. You see Anko's body out there, Konan's, Kakashi's, Akira's... so many.
"Why." You repeat it numbly. It's a demand more than a question.
"You killed a thousand youkai because they came between you and me. Really, I haven't even approached that number."
"Why."
"You forgot me, Gonou." Kanan looks to you then, her eyes filled with tears. You cannot hate her.
"I never forgot you."
"YOU FORGOT ME." She flies at you like a banshee, beating your chest with her fists, but she is small. She is only a human. She can't do anything at all. She's dead. "YOU FORGOT ME YOU FORGOT ME YOU FORGOT ME. Why do you get friends? A wife? A soulmate? A child? I was raped and tortured. I endured things you can't begin to imagine, and I waited. Waited for you."
"You didn't wait for me," and you have never said this to anyone never admitted it to anyone and you can't hate her but you're angry you are so angry at her, "You waited for a knife."
Kanan ignores the jab, continues her attack. "Why do you get to be happy, Gonou? You're sick. So much sicker than me."
The tears slip down her cheeks in silver rivulets. The blood runs.
You take her in your arms. Pull her to the ground with you. In your embrace she's impossibly small and fragile. She's warm.
"You don't even love them. You don't love anyone, not even me, but you got it all. And I'm dead, Gonou. I'm dead."
The words hurt you somewhere, some part of you that isn't here, right now, petting her hair gently. Because if it isn't love that you feel right now, then it's at least calm affection and protectiveness. She's hurting. You need to take care of her.
"Sleep now, Kanan."
She's sobbing. Wailing. You rock her gently to your chest, and start to sing a lullaby.
The moon is bright, the wind is quiet,
The tree leaves hang over the window,
My little baby, go to sleep quickly,
Sleep, dreaming sweet dreams.
Kanan quiets. Crumbles and rots in your arms, and you're alone in the forest with a dozen corpses.
[Hakkai sits up in bed, looking pale. He untangles himself from limbs and bedclothes and quickly leaves the room.]