Yuto x Yamada; if i never knew you part iii

[thixophobia]

Title: if i never knew you
Pairing: Yamada Ryosuke x Nakajima Yuto
Rating: PG
Warnings: Mind bending, insanity, angst.
Notes: See this post for original notes and reviews.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Written: August 16-September 22 2008

part i || part ii



When Yamada thought of everything that happened, it always lead to the same thing.

Screw it all. Just- screw it all.

In the past few weeks Yamada had developed irrational hatred for anyone and everyone that even cracked a smile around him. How dare they be happy when he was going through all this heart ache. How dare they laugh when they didn’t know what was going on. Yamada hated them all, especially the people who asked in such a concerned way what was wrong because they could never understand.

Underneath that loathing, though, at the core of the problem, was the question- why me?

It wasn’t questioning why he had to have his best friend taken away. He had given up on trying to figure that one out, because he was certain in no way that he’d ever think of something that would make sense of it. The new question went more along the lines of why was he the only one that could remember?

There had been a universe and a time where Yuto had auditioned for Johnny’s and made it and became a star and Yamada’s best friend. It seemed like an alternate reality now, a place that maybe existed somewhere but was certainly not here.

No one knew of this, though, this other reality.

-except Yamada. And the knowledge was literally driving him to insanity. Because no matter how many times his new Yuto smiled at him and laughed and talked for miles on end, Yamada could never, never get rid of that image of his old Yuto that seemed to glitter underneath his skin, etched into something that went much deeper than blood.

Why why why, Yamada groaned every night he dreamt of Yuto, his Yuto, Yuto’s face burned into his mind. What had he done to deserve such torture? Why was it only him?

How he loathed everyone else, who went on clueless and happy.

Ignorance was bliss, indeed.

“When are you going to introduce us to your girlfriend, Yama-chan?”

Yamada looked up wearily at Hikaru, and even he flinched at the hard look on Yamada’s face but did not waver. It had become common lately- Yamada no longer had the patience to deal with their childish antics. “What are you talking about?”

“You’ve been ditching us after work every day and on the weekends, and you stare at your phone like your lovesick. You gotta be seeing someone. Don’t worry, I won’t snitch.”

“It’s not a girl,” Yamada told him flatly, tightening the laces on his shoes before rising to his feet. “If you’re going to play detective at least be good at it.”

Hikaru wasn’t dissuaded, and kept on with his badgering, even when Yamada’s replies came back as snappish and impatience. Neither of them noticed Yabu off to the side, his face dark and unreadable.

“Yamada-kun, are you going home?”

Inwardly, Yamada sighed, wondering why everyone was choosing today to nag him. “Yes. Why?”

Yabu smiled and threw an arm around Yamada’s shoulder, steering him towards the door. “Let’s walk out together. Later, Hikaru.” Hikaru huffed a bit, but knew that Yabu had the same plan he did- getting something out of the clam that was Yamada.

Yamada was annoyed. He hadn’t really planned on going home, and it was strange that Yabu suddenly wanted to walk with him. Yabu was usually too busy to notice anything, let alone show care. It wasn’t hard to guess what this was about. “Go ahead, ask.”

“Ask what?” Yabu asked flatly, not bothering to use that annoying voice that pretended to honestly have no idea what Yamada was talking about. Yabu knew. Yabu wanted to see if Yamada knew.

“What everyone wants to ask,” Yamada shrugged, and he didn’t bother to hide his cynicism or impatience. “The reason you followed me out.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Yamada snapped.

“Stop trying to hide it. You’re a good actor but you’re not that great. You didn’t act like this when-”

“When what, when Yuto was here?” Yamada snarled, feeling that familiar sickness of anger and hate.

Yabu froze- Yuto. There was that name again! That name that Yamada had begged about months before, that had made him look so heartbroken and shocked that Yabu still couldn’t get it out of his mind. “Who’s Yuto?” he asked wearily.

And suddenly Yamada snapped, wanting to kick and scream again, to put the blame on someone else for making him like this. To selfishly curse the world for making him put up with this despair when Yabu didn’t even care, had never cared, that Yuto was gone! “Nothing. Leave me alone,” he said coldly, throwing Yabu’s arm away and stalking off.

Yabu wasn’t so easily dissuaded. “Yamada, wait!” He grabbed onto Yamada’s arm and pulled him to a halt, looking at him firmly in the eyes. “Tell me what’s wrong. I won’t tell anyone else. I want to help you, but you’re making it hard on everyone!” And who’s Yuto? is what he really wanted to ask, but the way Yamada flinched at the question earlier hadn’t gone unnoticed. Yuto, whoever that was, had something to do with whatever was making Yamada so hateful.

“No one can help!” Yabu, startled, pulled his hand back reflexively, wondering if anyone had ever heard Yamada that angry before. “Stop trying to act all sympathetic and like you actually know what’s wrong because you don’t! I’m not telling anyone because no one would understand and you’d all just laugh at me and call me silly, and I know I’m not! The rest of you don’t even care that he’s gone and I’m the only one dealing with this and you just don’t understand so leave me alone!”

“Yamada! Calm down!” Yabu shouted, worried that Yamada was on the brink of a breakdown. (What he didn’t know was that it wouldn’t be the first.)

“Shut up, I hate you! Unless you can bring Yuto back then leave me alone!”

Yamada broke away and ran down the street, and this time Yabu didn’t try to stop him.

Yabu was worried, truly worried- if Yamada kept going like this he’d just end up hurting himself.

It’s hard to imagine the anguish a wife goes through when she suddenly becomes a widow. When there’s no warning to it at all and she has no time to prepare herself. No one can possibly think of the hurt she feels being ripped away from her one true love, unless they have gone through it themselves.

Of course, the young window clings on to the memory of her husband, in an almost self destructive way. Her friends and family, as sad as they are, tell her to move on. Eventually the urge her to date again. Sometimes she might give in, and maybe she’ll meet a nice man who could possibly fill in for her beloved, if not replace him.

But no matter how hard she tries, the memory of her husband just won’t go away, and she knows deep down she can never have a normal relationship again.

Yamada hadn’t been married to Yuto, but he thought he could relate to the heartbroken widow all the same.

He hated them, all of them, Yamada spat venomously in his mind, running to god-knows-where with tears streaking past his face. He hated them for not understanding, and for thinking they could understand, and for pretending that they cared.

Mostly, he hated them because he was the one going through this, and he was so envious of their obliviousness. He wanted to forget Yuto. Yuto wasn’t coming back, and remembering hurt so much.

When Yamada finally soothed the rage pumping adrenaline in him to make him run without stopping, he found himself in front of the coffee shop. That in itself was strange; how did he manage to end up somewhere he knew when he had been so blinded by hatred and tears when he was walking?

But life had been so weird lately, he didn’t dwell on it too long.

The cheerful ring of the doorbell seemed to transport him to another world when he stepped inside, or at least another mind frame. It was instantly calming and soothing, and for a moment he could forget, all of it.

The shop was mostly empty- there was a teenage couple tucked away in the corner, giggling together and sharing desserts, but Yamada took no notice of them. Yurina was behind the bar, as she had been that first day, wiping a dish clean. She smiled at Yamada, and like before, Yamada felt forced to smile back.

“Yamada-kun! What a pleasant surprise. Are you here to see Yuto-kun or Misae-chan…?”

Yamada smiled and shook his head. “No. I was walking home and decided to stop by for a moment.”

Yurina smiled as well and nodded. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“Un, tea is fine,” Yamada told her as he pulled out his wallet, pausing when Yurina shook her head.

“It’s on the house. You look like you need it,” Yurina commented softly, and strangely the concern didn’t bother Yamada so much. Maybe because Yurina had nothing to do with this mess. He smiled and nodded his thanks, taking the cup from her and sipping at his drink slowly.

A comfortable silence settled in the shop. Yamada closed his eyes, savoring it, because for once there weren’t any voices screaming at him in his head. “This must be some kind of magical tea, I feel as though my problems are flowing away,” Yamada laughed lightly, sipping it again.

Yurina smiled in that pretty way of hers and nodded. “You could say that,” she laughed. “But… is something wrong, Yamada-kun? You seem a bit… distraught.”

Still, for some reason, the concern didn’t bother Yamada, and because Yurina wouldn’t understand anyway he found himself answering, “I guess you could say that… but it’s nothing I can say. My group mates already think I’m crazy because of it.”

She smiled sympathetically at his scowl. “Maybe an outside opinion would help?”

“You’ll think I’m crazy, or stupid.”

“If it’s something important to you, how can I think it’s crazy or stupid?”

Yeah… yeah. What gives them the right to laugh at me when they don’t understand it at all, Yamada thought darkly. “Well… alright.”

Where to begin…

“Yurina-san, what would happen if you lost someone very important to you all of a sudden and couldn’t figure out why?”

“Like, if they died?”

Yamada shook his head- if only it was that easy. “No. Like, if they dropped off the face of the planet, like they had never been there at all.”

Yurina fell silent, and Yamada thought, here comes the odd stares. He was surprised, more than surprised, when she said, “I can see how that would drive someone insane.” Ignoring his perplexed look she continued. “Because then you’d be left wondering if they really existed in the first place, or if it had all been a dream.”

Yamada froze and immediately wanted to protest. He had never once thought that! He knew Yuto had existed, he knew it! Even if there wasn’t any evidence, and… “I-I guess you’re right,” he said softly, unsure. Yuto had existed, he knew it. He wouldn’t let her make him think otherwise, he wouldn’t forget…

Wouldn’t it be easier, though? Then you wouldn’t feel so hurt. You wouldn’t dream of him and see him everywhere you go… you could return to enjoying your life.

No! I’d never forget Yuto, or think I could be happy without him.

It’s not like you paid attention to him when he was here, what’s the difference? At least this way Yabu-kun and the rest wouldn’t think you needed to see a shrink!

Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up!

“Yamada-kun? Are you okay?” Yurina’s sweet voice shook him out of his thoughts.

Yamada shook his head and asked almost wildly, “B-but they did exist, and you know they did! Is it so wrong to want to remember them, to hope that they’ll come back?”

“Not at all. Of course you would want someone precious to you to come back.”

“…” Yamada looked into his cup, unsure of what to say. Yurina’s voice was sweet and pleasant, calming, but there was something in the back of his mind, wriggling like a little worm, that made him uneasy. “Why do you think he left, anyway?”

“Who?”

“… my friend. He was a really good friend…”

Yurina shrugged and went back to drying dishes. “Who knows. Maybe to show you what life would be like without him.” She turned to Yamada suddenly. “Is it any better? Without him, your life.”

“Of course not! I miss him all the time, and-”

“But without that. If you didn’t miss him, how would your life be?”

Yamada froze again. He hadn’t really been thinking about that. His mind had been so clouded over with thoughts of Yuto, who cared how his life was? But now that she had mentioned it… he was still an idol, and a huge one. He still had a lot of friends. He still did the same things.

… the only reason life without Yuto had changed because he made it that way. Because Yuto’s absence was so obvious to him he couldn’t help but drive himself insane over it.

Life without Yuto wasn’t any different.

“I guess… it’s the same,” he whispered reluctantly. He didn’t want to believe it, because saying something like that, that Yuto hadn’t been important to him or his life, was just too big of a betrayal to commit.

“So maybe that means he didn’t have big importance in your life.”

Yamada’s head flew up to glare at her, instantly angered by the insinuation and the fact he had just been thinking the same thing. “Of course not! He was my best friend, he was very important to me!”

Yurina simply smiled. “I’m just pointing out things based on your words. You said your life isn’t any different, so what’s the big deal?”

“I’m going crazy without him!” Yamada half-pleaded, desperate to get her to see it his way, to stop talking!

“Then stop thinking about him. Then nothing would be wrong.”

Yamada stood up and pushed away from the bar so quickly he knocked his chair and the teacup over. Her ‘suggestion’ sounded more like a coaxing. Why did everyone want him to forget Yuto so badly? “N-no! I won’t do that! He was my friend, I-I won’t just forget him like that!”

“But what’s the point? He’s not coming back, and it’s not like you’re worse off without him. Wouldn’t things be so much better if you forgot?”

“No! What are you saying?” Yurina didn’t seem like the sweet, gentle lady he thought she was anymore. In fact, she didn’t even look the same, or sound the same anymore. Yamada backed up slowly. “No… no, he will come back! I won’t forget. I won’t…”

“What makes you think he’ll come back? After the way you treated him, he probably doesn’t want to.”

Yamada didn’t want to hear anymore, because he was sure he was dreaming again and none of this could really be happening. Yurina wasn’t suppose to know what she was talking about! And what did she mean, after the way he treated him?

He looked up at her, ready to excuse himself, and stopped. He blamed the way his vision swam and spun in front of him, but Yamada didn’t see Yurina anymore.

He saw himself. A terrible, twisted version of himself.

“What’s wrong, Yamada-san?” His mirror asked him, smirking, but when Yamada blinked rapidly and rubbed at his eyes it was just Yurina, her face full of motherly concern.

Oh god I am going insane. Unable to take it anymore, Yamada ran away for the second time that day, to get away from it all.

…But he didn’t make it far. Five feet out of the door and he ran into someone else, nearly falling over from the impact.

“Yamada-kun! You look like you’re in a hurry, is something wrong?”

Yuto. As sick as it made Yamada to look at him, his lips curled up helplessly into a smile, a desperate smile that clung to Yuto and everything his image stood for. “Y-yuto-kun… no, everything is fine.”

Yuto smiled back at him and Yamada’s heart skipped a couple of beats. “I was hoping to see you today! Are you going home now?” Yuto’s smile grew bigger at Yamada’s confirming nod. “Here, I’ll walk with you!”

It was all so decidedly normal and familiar that Yamada couldn’t tell if he wanted to cry or sigh in relief. Yurina’s words echoed in his head- it would be so easy to sink into this new routine, to let this become his new way of life and forget that it was ever anything different…

“Yamada-kun, I’m glad I can hang out with you even after all this time,” Yuto’s words broke Yamada out of his thoughts, thankfully, though they did nothing to put them to rest. “You probably have better things to do with your time, but…”

“No, not really,” Yamada cut in smoothly, quick to reassure Yuto so that the sad look would go away. “After rehearsal, if nothing is scheduled, it can get pretty boring… so it’s nice, having someone to hang out with.”

“But don’t you want to hang out with your friends in the company?”

Yamada shrugged. “Hanging out with the same people and working with them all day long are different… it’s kind of tiring sometimes. I have to hang out with people I don’t like and pretend to like them, never see people I do like… it’s troublesome, and tedious.”

It wasn’t like that with Yuto, though. We were actually friends… right? They did push us together a lot, and then pulled us apart… no, it had nothing to do with the company! Yuto was my best friend, inside and outside of the jimusho. Of course he was…

Yuto was talking again and Yamada wasn’t paying attention, until he heard, “… but I feel really comfortable with you, Yamada-kun. Even if you’re an idol it doesn’t feel weird at all!”

Yamada smiled a bit. “Yeah, you’re right.”

The lie was all worth it to see Yuto’s face light up like that. “Really? I’m so glad you feel the same way, I was worried that you were growing tired of me and thought I was just some dumb guy that just wants to say he knows someone famous.”

“I don’t think that of you.”

“That’s good, then. I want to be a friend for Yamada-kun, not just someone to fawn over you.”

Yamada nodded but fell silent. Yuto, the old Yuto, had fawned over him, after all.

Neither of them said a word from that point- Yamada lost in his own thoughts, Yuto nervous because of Yamada’s silence. It wasn’t a very comfortable silence, the air heavy and stifled by nerves and black, dark thoughts.

“Yamada-kun… something’s wrong, right? You don’t have to tell me what! You just… seem down.”

Yamada sighed, because he was getting very tired of this and had yet to figure out a response that would make people back off and drop it. “I’m fine, Yuto-kun. I’m just tired, you know. Not physically, just…”

“I understand!” Yuto quickly cut in, smiling a bit nervously. “I don’t want to bother you about it. I just… uhm, you know, I know we don’t know each other well, but if you want to talk, or need something…”

The sweetness of the offer felt sour in his heart, and it pained Yamada to smile back and say, “Thank you, Yuto-kun.”

Yuto smiled, sheepish this time, and shrugged carelessly. “It’s nothing. Hey, this is where we part, right?”

Yamada stopped and looked around, surprised that it was indeed time for him to leave. He hadn’t even been paying attention to where they were going, too busy with everything that had happened today to look around. “Yeah… I’ll see you sometime, yeah?”

“Y-yeah.” Yamada turned to leave, and Yuto yelled, “A-ah, wait, Yamada-kun!”

He stopped and turned, forcing on another strained smile. “Yes?”

He looks nervous, Yamada thought, a bit in a daze, as Yuto marched up to him, fidgeting in place and biting his bottom lip. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, uncertain, before completely throwing Yamada off guard by grabbing Yamada’s right hand and yanking it towards him. “Y-yuto-kun-!”

When Yuto let go, Yamada yanked his hand back to his body, clutching it as if it had been burned. His fingers wrapped around his wrist, then recoiled when he brushed against something rough and scratchy and distinctly not skin.

“I-it’s nothing special, but I made it, and… I thought you might like it,” Yuto stammered as Yamada surveyed the bright blue knotted bracelet around his wrist that he hadn’t even noticed Yuto putting on. Yuto grew nervous again as Yamada stared at it, like it was a thing of evil. “Y-you don’t have to wear it, I shouldn’t have-”

“No…” Yamada’s skin grew pleasantly warm where the bracelet touched, a comforting warmth that reminded him of Yuto’s hugs and smiles, and suddenly everything seemed all right.

Maybe… I should just forget. Accept it. What else can I do? There’s nothing else I can do…

Yuto…

“I like it. Thank you,” Yamada said quietly, feeling eerily calm and rational. “I’ll treasure it always.”

The smile Yuto gave him was so bright and genuinely happy that it was worth the headaches and confusing thoughts and heartbreaks. “Really? I’m so glad! I tied it extra tight so you won’t lose it! I hope it doesn’t interfere with your work…”

Yamada couldn’t help but laugh. “Iie, it’ll be fine. Maybe you’ll get to see it in a magazine, huh?”

“Aa, that would be so cool!”

And in the middle of the sidewalk the two boys laughed, the loud and rambunctious laughter of two healthy teenage boys, and bit by bit Yamada was forgetting the world he used to live in, completely emerging himself in this new world that suddenly seemed wonderfully bright.

“I guess we really should get going now, huh,” Yuto chuckled, grinning.

“Yeah.” Yamada still didn’t move, though, just grinned back goofily, until Yuto shoved him playfully. “Hey, hey, I’m going!”

The sun’s so bright. So warm… Yamada thought as he jogged off. No longer did it feel like it was mocking him- instead, his body soaked up the hot rays, letting it seep through his skin to add to the warm glow inside him.

Yamada stopped again and turned around, looking for the distant speck that was Yuto. “Hey, Yuto-kun!”

He waited until Yuto stopped and turned, pausing for effect, before yelling out to him.

“I’m really glad I met you!”

Yamada had dreams of Yuto every night. Dreams of Yuto laughing and playing and singing and dancing. Dreams of Yuto having fun.

This dream was very, very different.

“You look well, Yama-chan,” Yuto smiled, swinging his legs in the air like he would do when he was restless.

Yamada blinked and resisted the urge to rub at his eyes. “Yu… Yuto?” he said hesitantly, because this looked like his Yuto. Yes, Yuto-now looked just like Yuto-then, but there was just something… something Yamada couldn’t put his finger on.

Yuto laughed, and the sound broke Yamada’s heart again. “Yes, I’m ‘your’ Yuto, Yama-chan. It’s been a long time, huh? A couple of months… how have you been?”

Yamada ignored the question, because his heart felt like it was about to burst from happiness. “Yuto… Yuto! Y-you’re back!” What a wonderful day- an afternoon with his new Yuto, a night with his old-

“No, Yama-chan, you’re dreaming,” Yuto laughed again, smiling.

“B-but…”

“You know, Yama-chan, I didn’t think you would miss me this much. It’s a bit unhealthy, don’t you think?”

The suddenness confused Yamada, as did the darkness of the statement. Why would Yuto think that? “W-what do you mean? Of course I miss you!”

“And I’m glad!” Yuto laughed, grinning. “It’s just kinda weird, isn’t it?”

“No! Why would it be?” Yamada was so, so confused, and his head was beginning to hurt and his wrist ache.

“Because Yama-chan didn’t seem to mind it when we never hung out together when I was around… even though I asked you all the time.”

Yamada’s heart froze for a moment, because he couldn’t deny he didn’t know what Yuto was talking about. “T-that’s different. I was busy, I-”

“Didn’t have time for me?” Yuto’s tone was innocent but there was a sharp bitterness to it that stabbed at Yamada’s heart. “It’s okay, I understand, Yama-chan would rather hang out with Chii-chan or Dai-chan, right? I feel bad for bugging you so much now, I must have been so annoying!” Even the carefree way Yuto laughed hurt, so much that Yamada’s chest constricted painfully. Why would Yuto think that?!

“Yuto! Don’t say things like that… you’re my best friend, of course I wanted to hang out with you, but there was just so much going on and-”

“It’s okay, Yama-chan, you don’t have to make excuses for me.” Yuto swung his legs again and looked up at the sun, squinting his eyes into it. “Now we don’t have to worry about it anymore, right? I don’t have to bug you and you don’t have to deal with me anymore.”

“Stop talking like that, Yuto! You’re being stupid!” Yamada yelled, incredibly frustrated because Yuto didn’t understand him and deeply worried and distraught at the thought that Yuto actually thought that of him. “I-is that really what you think of me? That I thought you were annoying? Yuto, I can’t believe-!”

“Why shouldn’t I think that of you?” Yuto snapped, no longer looking so happy and cheerful. “You completely blew me off for everyone and anything else. I never got one second of your day!”

“That’s not true! Even when I was busy, didn’t we-”

“Stop pretending, Yamada. You only hung out with me in front of a camera, when you thought it would be convenient for your image.”

Yamada opened his mouth to retort again, but Yuto cut him off, and Yuto never cut him off. “You’re just like the rest of the agency, aren’t you? You don’t care what you have to do, as long as it makes you look good for the fans. Remember what they use to tell us, Yamada? ‘Aren’t you two so cute together! What a good pair of friends you are!’ And then we got all those duets and photo shoots together. But then everyone started to like you better, and you never complained when they kept us apart!” Yuto laughed his bitter laugh, rolling his eyes. “But you did let me continue to make a fool out of myself, always begging you out in public to call me and bringing you up in MY interviews. Anything to get another tally on how many times your name is said, right, Yama-chan?”

Is it possible to get your heart broken by the same guy, who you aren’t even dating!, multiple times?

Yamada was… broken by Yuto’s words.

The jimusho was a relentless business. It played with people how it pleased, and didn’t care who it stepped over or on in the process. The relationship between Yuto and him that the fans saw was nothing like their real relationship, Yamada knew this. But it was real!

And Yuto… thought it was all a publicity lie?

What was left of Yamada’s broken heart crumbled into dust.

“Y-yuto… I-I never thought of you like that!” he whispered, sinking to the ground. “How could you think that… t-they pushed us together a lot, b-but they aren’t why we became friends? Weren’t you the one that came up to me on your own and walked home with me and-”

“Yeah, that was me,” Yuto said, sounding uncharacteristically annoyed. “It’s always me. I’m always the one chasing after you. You never come looking for me.”

“But… I did.” Yamada’s voice sounded weak and frail to him, nothing more than that of a helpless child. “I liked you so much… I was so happy when you became my friend.”

I never thought you could really drown in silence, Yamada thought glumly, staring at Yuto’s cold, tense back forlornly. I never thought it could hurt. I thought that was just something people said. Until he left… “Yuto…”

When Yuto turned back to look at him, he was normal again. So normal that Yamada was immediately suspicious, because how could he grin so happily after all of… that? “It’s okay, though, Yama-chan. Don’t be sad anymore?”

“W-what?” Yamada sat up, eyes wide, body tense. “What do you mean? What’s that suppose to mean?”

Yuto walked over to him and knelt in front of him. He took his hand and held it, reaching out to force Yamada’s head back up when Yamada looked at their hands curiously. “You don’t have to worry about me anymore, Yama-chan. Don’t think about me anymore.”

Yamada’s hand grew warm. “What? Why? How can I do that?”

“Just forget about me. There’s no need to be sad about me, is there?”

Hot, it’s hot… “I don’t understand…”

“I’m not coming back, Yamada. No matter how sad you are, how much you say you want me back, I’m not coming back.”

No, it wasn’t his hand… “B-but Yuto! Why not? Don’t say that, Yuto!”

“You don’t need me back, do you? You have someone now. Remember, he said he’d always be there for you. Wasn’t that sweet…”

It hurts…! Yamada shook his head quickly, tugging his hand away. “N-no! I don’t care about him, Yuto! I want you! Please, I’d rather have you…”

Yuto smiled and shook his head as well, slowly and condescending. “Yama-chan doesn’t care who it is, as long as someone is worshipping him, right? So your new Yuto should do fine.”

“N-no! That’s not true, Yuto!”

“Say what you want, Yamada. I’m not coming back, and you’re fine without me.”

“No I’m not! I want you back, I won’t be happy unless-”

“That’s not what you thought earlier, was it, Yama-chan?”

Yamada yelped and his hand flew to his wrist, clawing at his wrist that had begun to burn. A literal burn, one that was so hot and searing against his skin he thought he would go mad. He looked down, his eyes narrowing at the bright blue of the bracelet contrasting against the redness of the skin it sat comfortably against.

“M-make it stop!” he cried, trying to tug the bracelet off but it just wouldn’t come undone, the knot was too tight. ”I tied it extra tight so you won’t lose it!” He was surprised it hadn’t caught on fire.

Yuto smiled pleasantly in the background. “Sorry, Yama-chan, I can’t always do everything for you. You have someone else for that now…”

Ripping at his skin and the bracelet, Yamada’s sobs weren’t loud enough to cover Yuto’s venomous words.

“Aren’t you glad you met him?”

Yamada woke up with a start, a scream perched on his lips to be released. His skin was pale and slick with sweat, his eyes widened like a madman. They stared up into his ceiling, at images only he could see, yet he wished he couldn’t.

“No, no no no…” he whispered, feeling small and claustrophobic with the shadows of his room closing in on him. “He hates me, Yuto hates me, why…”

And at that moment, Yamada no longer hated his friends or the world. He hated Yuto, for doing this to him, for leaving him alone in his insanity, for hating him.

Choking on his tears, Yamada buried his head against his pillow and screamed, half hoping to suffocate to death.

And by his pillow, the little blue bracelet laid on the mattress, unnoticed, the knot having loosened in Yamada’s sleep.

… to be continued


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