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[monstar]

i made the big decision today that i am going to apply for osap (instead of trying to save money) and go to school in '08.
then, sitting here right now.. it hit me, what if i dont get accepted to school? what if they are like "no" the top school that i want to attend is Parsons in NY, but i don't even plan to apply there because even if i was

Comments

[monstar]

"Nothing. My fear of failure has paralyzed my drive, motivation, and dedication. It paralyzes me EVERY day of my life, every time I choose not to do something that contribues to pursuing that goal. Thus I beat myself up and have formed this vicous cycle which yeilds nothing but contempt for myself. So not healthy!"

words. out. of. my. mouth.

friggin ridiculous.

im still hit with the fact that i might now get into school, i have been walking around like afucking zombie all day.

this reply made me feel better though, knowing that there are some anwsers to all of this crap in my head. i do have at least a year and a half to really try and figure shit out. if not longer.. and maybe i can spend more time working on my art, not waiting to be into school to do it. maybe i should take another course while im waiting to figure my shit out.

i just wonder if life is always going to been such a struggle to get ahead?

[monstar]

i am taking a trip to albany, im leaving on friday. coming back wednesday.

monday i am going to newyork(ny) alone.

i am going to (planning) to go to;

*central park/central park zoo
*parsons university.. check out the campus

i am excited. i wish i could go for more than just the day, but that isnt in the cards this time around. i hope it gives me that.. motivation that i am looking for.

i have told a few people about this, but i kind of have the feeling that you are one of the only people that would genuinely understand what/why this means so much to me.

or maybe not, but i think so.

I think Anita covered pretty much everything.

[mellowmcyellow]

As someone the same age as you and in a similar situation, I've gotta have a couple of things to say

Oh!

[mellowmcyellow]

...and when I talked to the woman at Mac, she said that the mature students there tend to do really well. I don't know if that's at all comforting.

Re: Oh!

[monstar]

it is probably better for me to go back now, as opposed to 17, i am just scared that im not going to go back next year, or in two years.. that i will always find an excuse to put it off.

like i said in the entry, i feel like im regressing, not progressing. i feel stupid.

it is a huge comfort to know that mature students do better, HUGE. i can't even explain why..

thanks for the kind words melody, its amazing how much reading what you and anita wrote calmed me down.

when i wrote this last night, it was a total freak-out, but not the type that passes. i have been feeling so anxious and frustrated with this new realisation all day. why would i assume that when i was ready to go to school, they would just let me in? i am nothing great, i dont have a god given talent you know? i am not saying that in a negative way, i am saying it realistically. one shouldnt put themselves on a pedestal because when you knock yourself off it...holy shit, its bad news.

you have no need for a backup school. i am very proud of you, in a non weird way.

[pipefitter]

sheridan in oakville might be a secondary option
you could even live in the hammer still and take the train
thats what marcia did