Fic: The Totally Awesome Me's Way More Accurate than Milton Account of the War in Heaven
Title: The Totally Awesome Me's Way More Accurate than Milton Account of the War in Heaven
Author/Artist: megkips
Characters and Pairing: Gilbert
Rating: PG 13
Warnings: Blasphemy. So much blasphemy.
Blame: Pidge!
Summary: The title is the summary. Inspired by MYTHS RETOLD!
Okay so look
I figure that since people love fuckin’ pissing me off about it
I’ll just sit and write down what actually happened with all that war in Heaven bullshit.
That way when some motherfuck is like
“Yo, Gilbert, how’d you fall from Grace and become a demon?”
I can make them read this
And then punch their face in.
Actually the key is to hand them this and they'll be so busy reading
They won't see my incoming fist.
Anyway so. First off
Actually no lemme preface this
Because if this falls into mortal hands then I wanna be clear
GUYS
DANTE GOT IT WRONG
VERY WRONG
IGNORE HIM
HE WAS A LITTLE BITCH WRITING IN HIS JOURNAL
ABOUT BENG EXILED FROM FLORENCE
Okay so. In the beginning there was God.
God was just kind of a dude chilling out
Or maybe a chick
God’s gender is really fucking hard to tell
It continues to CONFUSE THE SHIT OUT OF US.
But God’s derping around, making angels and then God’s like
“Okay bored now.”
As one does I guess.
Whatever, like we actually gave a shit?
We kinda went off on our own anyway, made our own weird little civilization and had our own thing happening
Politics and shit
Oh. And I remember a lot of singing
An epic fuckton of singing.
It was actually very, very boring singing praises all day.
I mean if you’re praising the awesome me that’s cool, but no.
God’s just an attention whore like this.
Anyway, we’re off doing our own thing and kind of aren’t paying attention to God
Well God’s not paying attention to us either
And then out of fucking no where
SUDDENLY JESUS SHOWS UP
We are all understandably confused.
Now lemme be clear here
God’s like, “This is my son .”
And we’re like “Woah, woah, woah. Hold up.
You made us.
You’re our creator
Which makes you like our parent?
And this kid shows up and HE’S your son?
When you've already made all of us?!
THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY.”
I mean this isn’t the actual reason we went to war against God but
I just want you to know what a
BAG OF DICKS
Jesus is
I mean his name is legit Joshua
But whatever, you people call him Jesus
Greek does that.
But anyway so Satan’s got his panties in a bunch which frankly
Is pretty understandable
So he’s bitching like on a street corner like “HEY! NOT COOL!”
And some people ignore him and then a buncha us start listening.
I actually just wanna say here that I wasn’t some freaking emo kid who was all
“DADDY DOESN’T LOVE MEEEEEEEE” like Satan was
He’s probably got some Oedipal issues, now that I think about it
Me? Well mostly I was bored.
But anyway Satan’s like
“We should prove a point and protest this shit!”
And everyone’s like “BOOOOOOOORING.”
So Satan’s like, “Well….how do you feel about a war in Heaven?”
And everyone’s just, “OH FUCK YEAH THAT SOUNDS GREAT
NOTHING CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG WITH THAT IDEA!"
Oh right. Major detail I forgot.
God kinda added a little something
In addition to the whole “This guy is my son” thing.
And that little something is that
“Hey he’s gonna rule over you too since I can’t ever be arsed
Because I’ve got way more important shit to do
Like drinking with Zeus or you know
Having lesbian sexytimes with Freya
Or whatever it is I do
I don’t even know
I’m God, I do what I want.”
Now, pretend you’re a really, really old, dare I say ancient being
And this freaking kid’s just kinda bounced in
And is trying to run your entire goddamn society?
YOU WOULD BE FUCKING PISSED TOO
And the second someone was all, "To arms!"
You'd be going
"FUCK YES SATAN, THIS SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN
LET’S START SHIT."
So while I know that like
Satan sounds like a hippe tree hugging liberal?
Nope.
Nooooope.
He was a whiny bitch but he was also like
A legit general.
Who was kind of in charge of Heaven's armies along with Michael
But yep, he threw up the banners and suddenly
WAR
WAR EVERYWHERE
EVERY INCH OF HEAVEN
COVERED IN IT
AND I THINK WE ALL KNOW HOW WELL THIS ENDED, NOW DON'T WE?
I am going to just spare the actual details
I do not like mentioning the details
There was a lot of blood okay
And dead angels
And do you know why?
Because Jesus was falcon punching anything that was taking a stand against God.
Please stop and picture that for a moment
JESUS CHRIST
FALCON PUNCHING BITCHES
LEFT AND RIGHT.
Got that in your mind?
Good.
So that happened.
A lot.
For several days.
Although to be fair we did pretty awesome for a while!
I mean I was leading one of our legions how could we not?
And we totally had the upper ground, and Michael and Gabriel were just like
“Well, fuck!”
Until Jesus showed up and
Look Jesus is the root of a lot of fucking problems around here.
So blah, blah, eventually the little brat is literally punching us
And sending us into Hell.
Which is just like “The fuck, that is not fair.”
Because we don’t have that power!
That’s what I call an unfair fight.
But right, so, that happens and then God shows up
Where God was the first few days of this war I have no fucking clue
Probably drunk with Osiris
Or playing strip poker
I don’t even know
What God does in God’s own spare time is shit I don’t wanna think about
Mostly because I know what Satan does and THAT IS ENOUGH
(Have you ever painted Satan’s toenails?
Yeah, I thought not.)
And finally God’s like,
“Okay, that’s it! Jesus, awesome job but why don’t you let me finish the rest?”
And then God turns to Satan is like
“What the fuck is your problem!?”
Satan is standing there, all bloodied and trying to kill Gabriel when God does this so
He’s kinda understandably embarrassed
And he gives some half assed answer which mostly translates into
“Huuur duuur durrr derp derp.”
So God’s all,
“HOW OLD ARE YOU?
NO SERIOUSLY.
YOU’RE GONNA LET A KID BOTHER YOU LIKE THIS?
Right then, all of you are immature and I’m sending you to your room forever.
And by room I totally mean Hell.
AND WE WILL DISCUSS THE REST OF THIS LATER, MISTER.”
And then we fell.
Any questions?
Author/Artist: megkips
Characters and Pairing: Gilbert
Rating: PG 13
Warnings: Blasphemy. So much blasphemy.
Blame: Pidge!
Summary: The title is the summary. Inspired by MYTHS RETOLD!
Okay so look
I figure that since people love fuckin’ pissing me off about it
I’ll just sit and write down what actually happened with all that war in Heaven bullshit.
That way when some motherfuck is like
“Yo, Gilbert, how’d you fall from Grace and become a demon?”
I can make them read this
And then punch their face in.
Actually the key is to hand them this and they'll be so busy reading
They won't see my incoming fist.
Anyway so. First off
Actually no lemme preface this
Because if this falls into mortal hands then I wanna be clear
GUYS
DANTE GOT IT WRONG
VERY WRONG
IGNORE HIM
HE WAS A LITTLE BITCH WRITING IN HIS JOURNAL
ABOUT BENG EXILED FROM FLORENCE
Okay so. In the beginning there was God.
God was just kind of a dude chilling out
Or maybe a chick
God’s gender is really fucking hard to tell
It continues to CONFUSE THE SHIT OUT OF US.
But God’s derping around, making angels and then God’s like
“Okay bored now.”
As one does I guess.
Whatever, like we actually gave a shit?
We kinda went off on our own anyway, made our own weird little civilization and had our own thing happening
Politics and shit
Oh. And I remember a lot of singing
An epic fuckton of singing.
It was actually very, very boring singing praises all day.
I mean if you’re praising the awesome me that’s cool, but no.
God’s just an attention whore like this.
Anyway, we’re off doing our own thing and kind of aren’t paying attention to God
Well God’s not paying attention to us either
And then out of fucking no where
SUDDENLY JESUS SHOWS UP
We are all understandably confused.
Now lemme be clear here
God’s like, “This is my son .”
And we’re like “Woah, woah, woah. Hold up.
You made us.
You’re our creator
Which makes you like our parent?
And this kid shows up and HE’S your son?
When you've already made all of us?!
THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY.”
I mean this isn’t the actual reason we went to war against God but
I just want you to know what a
BAG OF DICKS
Jesus is
I mean his name is legit Joshua
But whatever, you people call him Jesus
Greek does that.
But anyway so Satan’s got his panties in a bunch which frankly
Is pretty understandable
So he’s bitching like on a street corner like “HEY! NOT COOL!”
And some people ignore him and then a buncha us start listening.
I actually just wanna say here that I wasn’t some freaking emo kid who was all
“DADDY DOESN’T LOVE MEEEEEEEE” like Satan was
He’s probably got some Oedipal issues, now that I think about it
Me? Well mostly I was bored.
But anyway Satan’s like
“We should prove a point and protest this shit!”
And everyone’s like “BOOOOOOOORING.”
So Satan’s like, “Well….how do you feel about a war in Heaven?”
And everyone’s just, “OH FUCK YEAH THAT SOUNDS GREAT
NOTHING CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG WITH THAT IDEA!"
Oh right. Major detail I forgot.
God kinda added a little something
In addition to the whole “This guy is my son” thing.
And that little something is that
“Hey he’s gonna rule over you too since I can’t ever be arsed
Because I’ve got way more important shit to do
Like drinking with Zeus or you know
Having lesbian sexytimes with Freya
Or whatever it is I do
I don’t even know
I’m God, I do what I want.”
Now, pretend you’re a really, really old, dare I say ancient being
And this freaking kid’s just kinda bounced in
And is trying to run your entire goddamn society?
YOU WOULD BE FUCKING PISSED TOO
And the second someone was all, "To arms!"
You'd be going
"FUCK YES SATAN, THIS SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN
LET’S START SHIT."
So while I know that like
Satan sounds like a hippe tree hugging liberal?
Nope.
Nooooope.
He was a whiny bitch but he was also like
A legit general.
Who was kind of in charge of Heaven's armies along with Michael
But yep, he threw up the banners and suddenly
WAR
WAR EVERYWHERE
EVERY INCH OF HEAVEN
COVERED IN IT
AND I THINK WE ALL KNOW HOW WELL THIS ENDED, NOW DON'T WE?
I am going to just spare the actual details
I do not like mentioning the details
There was a lot of blood okay
And dead angels
And do you know why?
Because Jesus was falcon punching anything that was taking a stand against God.
Please stop and picture that for a moment
JESUS CHRIST
FALCON PUNCHING BITCHES
LEFT AND RIGHT.
Got that in your mind?
Good.
So that happened.
A lot.
For several days.
Although to be fair we did pretty awesome for a while!
I mean I was leading one of our legions how could we not?
And we totally had the upper ground, and Michael and Gabriel were just like
“Well, fuck!”
Until Jesus showed up and
Look Jesus is the root of a lot of fucking problems around here.
So blah, blah, eventually the little brat is literally punching us
And sending us into Hell.
Which is just like “The fuck, that is not fair.”
Because we don’t have that power!
That’s what I call an unfair fight.
But right, so, that happens and then God shows up
Where God was the first few days of this war I have no fucking clue
Probably drunk with Osiris
Or playing strip poker
I don’t even know
What God does in God’s own spare time is shit I don’t wanna think about
Mostly because I know what Satan does and THAT IS ENOUGH
(Have you ever painted Satan’s toenails?
Yeah, I thought not.)
And finally God’s like,
“Okay, that’s it! Jesus, awesome job but why don’t you let me finish the rest?”
And then God turns to Satan is like
“What the fuck is your problem!?”
Satan is standing there, all bloodied and trying to kill Gabriel when God does this so
He’s kinda understandably embarrassed
And he gives some half assed answer which mostly translates into
“Huuur duuur durrr derp derp.”
So God’s all,
“HOW OLD ARE YOU?
NO SERIOUSLY.
YOU’RE GONNA LET A KID BOTHER YOU LIKE THIS?
Right then, all of you are immature and I’m sending you to your room forever.
And by room I totally mean Hell.
AND WE WILL DISCUSS THE REST OF THIS LATER, MISTER.”
And then we fell.
Any questions?