''One Departure, Four Arrivals'' (3/5)
She knows that something's not right the second she opens the door. The place feels abandoned, the air is stuffy and there's a layer of dust on everything, and her heart starts beating faster with fear.
There are no signs of any struggle, and most of the furniture is in place, but some of the paintings and sculptures are missing from their usual places. She'd think he moved, but all the computer equipment is still there, she knows that the Aztek is in the garage, and when she finds his wheelchair in the corner of the living room the panic sweeps over her and she calls out his name.
Not even echo answers her and she's certain that something bad happened to him, and it's her fault because she wasn't there to stop it.
She picks up the phone and dials Bling's number.
''Where is he?'' She speaks without a greeting, and the desperation in her own voice brings her close to tears.
''Max, is that you?'' Bling asks, and although he sounds calm, there is something in his voice that intensifies her fear even more.
''Yes, it's me. Where's Logan?''
''Where are you?'' Bling bypasses her question and there's a part of her that's already screaming.
''He's not here'', she says, and her voice is soft, completely unlike her, shaking on every word.
''I'll be there in ten minutes'', Bling tells her and she hangs up, feeling drained, trying so hard not to think at all. She sits down on the couch and stares at the dark, silent monitors in his office, almost surprised when she feels moisture on her hand and realizes she's crying.
***
Bling comes exactly twelve minutes later and finds her curled up on the couch, shaking with sobs, and his usually calm presence does nothing to soothe her. She doesn't want to hear what he's gonna tell her, but she needs to know, so she sits up and asks him what happened to Logan. Tears are still streaming down her face and Bling offers her a hankie, but she just looks at him and waits for her world to crumble down around her.
Bling sits down on the couch next to her and tells her that Logan died the day after she left Seattle.
She's never been so numb with pain before; not when she watched Eva die, not when she had to leave Brin to Manticore doctors, not even when she walked away from Logan.
She wonders briefly if a person can die from grief.
Bling explains the medical facts in a voice filled with compassion; he tells her all about the short supply of blood, especially Logan's blood type, and it kills her to know that she could've easily transfuse him and save him in a heartbeat. Bling thinks he's helping, but he's just pouring salt on her wounds and she doesn't even have the strength to stop him.
''Did he suffer?'' She asks, tasting tears on her lips when she speaks, thinking how it doesn't even matter now. She wasn't there, and nothing matters anymore.
''No. He never woke up after the surgery'', Bling tells her gently and squeezes her hand.
She doesn't know what to do now. What drove her forward thought the lonely months was the prospect of seeing Logan again, and now that he's gone there's emptiness everywhere around her, and a Logan-shaped hole in her heart that nothing would ever fill.
She breaks down and Bling sits with her, saying nothing, her hand still in his.
***
She stands in the Cale family mausoleum, cold and hard like the stone beneath her feet, staring at the words that read Logan's name.
He was just thirty-two years old. His mother was thirty-nine, his father forty-three, and none of it is fair.
Max can't cry anymore; seeing his grave doesn't make her miss him any less and it's not an absolution she hoped for when she came here.
She's back to living with Kendra and hanging out with OC and Normal is her boss again, she still climbs to the top of the Space Needle at night and speeds down otherwise silent streets on her Ninja, but none of it means much to her.
After work, she often finds herself half-way down Pine on her way to Logan's place before she remembers he's not there anymore. The apartment has been on the market since he died, but no one wants to buy it, and Max is thankful because, sometimes, she keeps going and turns on 1st Avenue, sneaking into Fogle Towers and breaking into his place just like she used to when he was still alive.
It's strange to think of him as dead, and it's even stranger standing at his grave and not believing he's really gone.
Those times she can't resist going back to his place, she strips her clothes methodically, leaving them neatly folded in the hallway, and goes into his bedroom. She puts on one of his T-shirts that still smell of detergent, fabric softener and a tiny hint of Logan her cat nose can't miss and climbs into his bed. Laying under the covers doesn't bring her any closer to him, but her pain always eases. Sometime she tries to sleep, sometimes not, but she's mostly wide awake despite her best efforts.
Her days are spent making deliveries, waiting for something to happen. Zack appears out of nowhere again and asks for her help with saving Tinga and her family. When they lose her to Lydecker, Max begins to believe her life isn't really worth living. She's tired of running, tired of staying, tired of losing people she loves.
She's even tired of missing Logan. Occasionally, she even regrets meeting him, but the sentiment is always short-lived and she knows that, had she known how everything would end, she would've loved him anyway.
Charlie's words echo back to her, high on top of the Space Needle, and she repeats them out loud, hoping Logan can hear her, wherever he is now: ''I wouldn't give up one minute of the time that we spent together. Not a second.''
She feels every word all the way to her soul.
The rest of the story can be found here.