let out the beast
title: let out the beast
pairing(s): jongtae
rating: nc-17
wordcount: ~5700
summary: this (aka shapeshifting!shinee) continued….
a/n: part two, aka the part where they actually shack up. it's been a million years since the first part, i know.. sorry….
At first the fear is that Jonghyun will change in the van or on an elevator or in public, but then promotions roll around and the fear is that he will change on stage, because literally nothing could be worse than a giant, stinky wolf bursting forth from the confines of his flashy stage outfit on live television. Their managers petition to delay the comeback, but the company is inflexible, because a) they don't know if and when this shape-shifting thing will cease, and thus have no definite time frame around which to make solid plans, and b) they can't afford even the slightest chance of Shinee's schedule competing with Exo's.
"This is just another discipline you'll have to master," Jonghyun is told, in the same tone he'd once heard, "You'll just have to get those voice cracks under control."
Right. Like this huge, looming, freakshow of a problem is something he has any control over.
"Try thinking non-wolfy thoughts," Jinki says rather unhelpfully at the dinner table that night.
"I don't think wolfy thoughts," Jonghyun grinds out petulantly. "The fuck is a wolfy thought?"
"Like, a predatory impulse?" Taemin offers.
"A desire for raw meat," Minho puts in.
Sure, depending on your interpretation of "predatory" and "meat," then, yeah, maybe Jonghyun does think wolfy thoughts. But that is its own headache entirely, one Jonghyun's not willing to dwell on right now.
"Everything happens for a reason," Kibum says sagely. "Identify the reason and you can solve the problem."
"I have no clue why I'm turning into a goddamn wolf," Jonghyun says. "Why are you turning into a tiger?"
"I don't know," Kibum admits, unperturbed, "but for me, it doesn't matter so much."
Jonghyun sighs. This, really, is the crux of the issue: not the fact of his becoming a wolf, but the timing of it. Minho goes to bed a lion on Tuesday and Friday nights, Kibum wakes up a tiger on Wednesday and Saturday mornings, and Jinki is nearly always a rabbit within minutes of arriving home at the dorm after a long day. Taemin, the lucky little shit, is perpetually and wholly human. Jonghyun is the anomaly. His transformations come at seemingly random intervals, sometimes none for a week, sometimes three or four in a day.
"Try to pay close attention to what you're doing at all times," Kibum says, "so that you know, when you're turning, why it's happening."
It sounds so easy when Kibum puts it like that, but every time Jonghyun turns all he can remember later is the panic and the frustration and the disorienting heightening of senses and dulling of rational thought. He becomes really good at discerning each member's distinctive scent, but carefully and constantly monitoring his own feelings and actions brings him no closer to figuring out the cause behind all this.
But by the time of their first taping, Jonghyun has gone three days without turning. Three days without obnoxious pep talks, three days without angry admonitions about tracking hormonal imbalances, three days without feeling disappointed glares directed at his back. It's been three days working at full throttle, three days of fueling perpetual motion with unhealthy doses of caffeine, three days of overtaxing his body to the point that it doesn't feel like his own anymore. Three days of no one mentioning the wolf thing, as though saying it aloud will jinx it back into existence, and keeping it silent will extend its absence. Jonghyun can't really complain; if there's one thing he doesn't need during the hectic frenzy of a comeback, it's one more fucking thing on his already full plate.
A thought comes to him during the dry rehearsal: if this is what it takes to stay human, he should just stay deliriously tired all the time. A thought he immediately rejects, of course, because he fucking hates being this tired, and he may not be a wolf right now, but he certainly isn't himself. Still, he can't deny that it's nice, temporarily not worrying about the wolf thing. After this comeback, he tells himself blearily; just get through this fucking comeback, and then deal with it.
Jonghyun's current theory is that the wolf thing is really the confluence of a whole bunch of other things that he's been putting off dealing with, things that aren't necessarily too much to handle individually but that, combined, quickly pile up into an untouchable mess.
Like, the Jinki thing. Now that Kibum and Jinki are sleeping together and/or dating, how is Jonghyun supposed to tell Kibum that he and Jinki hooked up one or two (or seven, but it's not like Jonghyun kept count or anything) times back before debut? He didn't tell when it was happening, or in the years that followed, and by now it's really just a hazy and mildly embarrassing memory, but if Kibum learns about it from Jinki, he'll be mad that Jonghyun never told him. But there's no way Jonghyun can just bring it up out of nowhere because honestly, framing it in words makes it sound like so much more than it was, which was just two dumb teenagers bored and horny and bad at sex.
There's also the porn thing, which he doesn't really regret, but credit card theft is credit card theft and he expects Minho to confront him about it any time now but fuck if Jonghyun was going to let that charge come up on his own account when Minho's wallet was lying right out in the open. And anyway, the video was worth it. So fucking worth it.
And, maybe most dauntingly, there's the Taemin thing, which mainly just boils down to the fact that Jonghyun wants to fuck Taemin. Badly. Jonghyun wants it, and he knows that Taemin wants it, but for some confounding reason they are not (yet) fucking, which kind of sucks. And while most everything else he can push down and ignore, this want for Taemin is a constant fire flooding his veins, igniting his blood and dominating his attention whenever they're in the same room, which funnily enough, being that they live and work together, is almost every waking hour of the day.
The first time he turned, Jonghyun thought he knew why. He'd lying in bed with Taemin, breathing in the younger man's sweet, musky scent, thinking wildly inappropriate thoughts and unabashedly feigning sleep to avoid copping to the boner he had pressed into Taemin's leg. Then Taemin had gotten up, and Jonghyun had been struck by a sudden, gut-wrenching desire to call him back. To stay there, in that bed, with Taemin, indefinitely, to just lie next to him without words, without anything but the touch of his warm skin.
Which was stupid, so as soon as the hysteria about tiger-Kibum had died down, Jonghyun had gone out for a walk to clear his head.
And then he'd turned.
Immediately, he thought - he knew - that this was a sign. Somewhere out there, there was some sentient deity singling him out for having a big fat schoolboy crush on his bandmate. Maybe it was like a folktale. Once he plucked up the courage to confess to Taemin, once he procured his true love's kiss, he'd be cured.
That was really stupid.
First of all, he is not and never has been in love with Taemin. Yeah, he really wants to get in the kid's pants, but that's lust, which is an important distinction.
Also, he's really just not brave enough to confess or make a move or do anything besides pitifully pretend that his long, lingering glances and wistful touches are nothing more than good old brotherly skinship.
To top it off, sometimes his transformations have nothing to do with Taemin. It's true that sometimes they do - sometimes Taemin will stretch his arms just so and expose the soft white of his stomach and Jonghyun will lose it, back rippling and contorting with expanding vertebrae, hair turning coarse and gray. Sometimes Taemin will laugh, eyes lost in mirth, and Jonghyun will have to excuse himself from the dinner table for half an hour to wait out the wolf, curled up on the bathroom floor.
But other times, Jonghyun will just be working on a new song or watching videos of toddlers singing on the internet or eating chicken wings or texting his friends or doing anything, really, and out of nowhere, he'll feel the spastic vibration and growth of bones, the stretch and snap of muscle and tendon, the prickle of fur, and moments later, he'll be a wolf.
Now, he's given up searching for the rhyme or reason behind his transformations. All he wants is to make them stop. Hopefully the wolf won't show up during this comeback; if Jonghyun can just make it through this comeback, he'll have a chance to step back and assess his options. He'll man up and tackle the varied and convoluted branches of the wolf thing.
But that's for later, when he's gotten sleep and is actually lucid. For the moment, he's trying his hardest to remain still for the laborious application of makeup while also taking part in the animated finalization of bets on who'll fuck up the mic stand choreography first.
"Obviously Jinki," Kibum says. "I mean, I love you, but."
"A little faith, please," Jinki grumbles.
"I'll say Taemin," Minho says. "He has the hardest parts."
"Because I'm the best," Taemin says cheekily. "Jonghyun, I say Jonghyun. That first step."
"I say Taemin," Jonghyun shoots back. "Because fuck you."
"Hold still," murmurs the makeup noona.
"Sorry."
"I'll say Minho," Jinki says. "Just to mix things up."
"So that's one for Jinki, two for Taemin, one for Jjong, one for Minho," Kibum tallies quickly. "And zero for me."
"When you're the one to mess up, I will laugh so hard," Jonghyun remarks.
They collect bets from most of the staff, then troop off to perform. No one fucks up, per se, but Minho's mic stand breaks. Jinki collects a sixty thousand won pot after the performance, then promises to treat the members to dinner. Kibum rolls his eyes, says yeah you better. Jonghyun watches the two of them, watches the space between them compress with the promise of a kiss. Watches Jinki's eyes fill with warmth, drinking in Kibum, overflowing with happiness.
"Hyung, have you seen my earring?" Taemin appears out of nowhere, out of his stage clothes but with his hair still styled high away from his forehead, with his eyes still framed in smoky black. He's rubbing his earlobe absentmindedly, casting his gaze over the makeup table and waiting room couches with a slight furrow in his brow. "The one, you know, the black one?"
"No," Jonghyun says.
Taemin's eyes land on Jonghyun's face, and his expression clears, his lips quirking in a puzzled half-grin. "Hyung," he says. "You're wearing it."
Jonghyun's fingers fly to his ears, and sure enough - a black spiked triangle dangles from his left lobe.
"Oops," he says.
Taemin laughs and shrugs. "Unsanitary, hyung. Wash it before you give it back to me, okay?"
And just like that, with no warning whatsoever, Jonghyun begins to turn. He feels it first in his teeth, in the sharpening of canines. The air tastes stronger now, of cloying stage makeup and harsh hair product. Taemin smells delicious. He looks delicious. He always has.
Jonghyun is probably an idiot, but this is a fucking epiphany to him. He has always wanted Taemin. Fragile, harebrained, invincible Taemin, who, by some miracle, wants him too. Neither of them have ever said it, and neither of them ever will unless something changes right now. No time like the present for making a complete ass of yourself, Jonghyun thinks. By now he's tired enough to plead temporary insanity if this goes horribly wrong, so he figures he has nothing to lose.
"Come with me a sec," Jonghyun says, grabbing Taemin by the wrist and jogging for the bathroom. The door locks from the inside; Jonghyun locks it.
Taemin yanks his wrist out of Jonghyun's grasp and takes a step back, eyes narrowed. "What are you - "
Jonghyun doesn't speak, afraid that if he opens his mouth he'll sound like a fucking idiot and be too embarrassed to go through with this. So instead he seizes Taemin by the shoulders and kisses him, hard. And there's maybe one second of Taemin frozen, unresponsive, before he's kissing back, hands fumbling at Jonghyun's shirt, mouth open, wet and needy. Jonghyun can feel a moan building in his own throat, a low, guttural sound of pleasure, uncontainable for the sheer joy that fucking finally, he gets to taste Taemin, gets to kiss him and feel him like no one else does. Finally, after countless hours of imagining this moment, it's arrived in a blaze of glory. And fuck if it's not ten times better than Jonghyun's imagination.
Taemin draws back for half a beat, and there's a faint smirk on his lips. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Shut up," Jonghyun growls, pushing forward and pinning Taemin against the cold tile wall. Taemin angles his head down to meet Jonghyun's lips and where before they had been frenzied, frantic, now they kiss slowly, unhurried. Eyes closed, Jonghyun drinks in the sensation of Taemin's tongue sliding against his and Taemin's arms curled around his neck and Taemin's hips gyrating ever so slightly, rocking into Jonghyun teasingly until they're both half-hard and panting.
"Seriously," Taemin says breathily then, head tilted, eyes dilated, lips cherry red and swollen. "What are we doing?"
Jonghyun runs his tongue along the edge of his teeth. Still wolfy. "I was - I'm turning."
Taemin cocks one eyebrow skeptically. "Okay, so...?"
"So I just - I don't know, I thought this whole wolf thing had something to do with you somehow, and you were right there, and I thought maybe if I just - acted on my impulses for once, then - but I don't fucking know. I don't know what I expected to happen. You just - there's something about you, always you, the way you - oh fuck." Jonghyun breaks off as his teeth grow longer, sharper, and his face begins to lose its form.
"Hyung?"
Jonghyun shakes his head. Speech is no longer an option - not that he was making himself very clear anyways - and he turns away from Taemin to quickly shuck off his pants, pull his shirt off over his head. All the while he can feel his fingers fusing, becoming paws. Fur springs up along his legs and back. When he turns back to face Taemin, his clothes puddled on the floor, it is as a full-fledged wolf.
"Oh, hyung," Taemin sighs. "You're a mess."
Jonghyun gets a light scolding for turning, but since the only real effect was delaying their departure by about ten minutes, the incident is quickly forgotten by all. The promotion period continues in a whirl of radio and television bookings, and Jonghyun doesn't turn again. He has a theory about why this is, and he shares it with Taemin.
"So basically," Taemin says, "you're sleeping with me just so you don't turn back into a wolf."
"That's not why I'm sleeping with you," Jonghyun says, stripping off his T-shirt and throwing it across the room to the pile of dirty laundry heaped around a half-full hamper. "I'm sleeping with you because I want to, and it's fulfilling some psychological need I was denying myself previously, and that is why I've stopped turning into a wolf."
"Wow, you know just what to say to get me in the mood," Taemin says, rolling his eyes.
"I'm saying you keep me human!" Jonghyun protests.
"You're saying I'm stress relief," Taemin says.
"No, I - ugh. Whatever, just come here," Jonghyun says, flopping backward onto his bed and shimmying out of his underwear. "We don't have a lot of time."
"Fine," Taemin says. He locks Jonghyun and Minho's bedroom door, then kicks off his sweatpants. He starts to cross the room for Jonghyun's bed, then pauses. "I just…" He shakes his head. "Never mind."
"What?"
"It's nothing," Taemin says.
"It's always something," Jonghyun says. "You can tell me."
"You just said we don't have time," Taemin says, throwing one toned thigh over Jonghyun's hips to straddle him on the bed. The mattress gives with a squeak, and Taemin's ass rests warm against Jonghyun's cock. The younger man leans down close, his breath tickling Jonghyun's face. "So how about you just fuck me, hyung."
There are guys who probably get off on being called 'hyung,' or 'oppa,' or whatever, during sex. Jonghyun doesn't consider himself one of those guys - he's got a name, and he likes to hear it - but the way Taemin says it, low and impatient and seductive: "fuck me, hyung" - it's irresistable. Jonghyun grinds his hips instinctively upward, feels Taemin rut eagerly against him in response.
"Fuck," Taemin gasps, locking his arms as he braces himself against the pillow behind Jonghyun's head, working his hips slowly, rhythmically, to press his erection against Jonghyun's.
"Hey," Jonghyun says, wrapping his arms around Taemin's skinny frame and pulling him closer. "C'mere."
And then Taemin is flush against him, chest to chest, so that Jonghyun can feel the pounding of his heart, and they're kissing. They're kissing, and Taemin's hand is fisted around both their cocks, and Taemin is so soft and perfect under Jonghyun's groping hands, and Taemin is making all these hot little whimpering noises, and Jonghyun is in heaven.
It's kind of tame. It's kind of teenagery. They're just making out and mindlessly rubbing against each other, kind of like how Jonghyun had all those years ago with Jinki. But, Jonghyun thinks, that was different. That was experimentation. He and Jinki hadn't known what the hell to do with each other, had sought release in whatever clumsy friction they could produce between them. (Until Jonghyun sucked Jinki's cock and they both felt so weird about it that their after-practice trysts came to an abrupt halt.)
This isn't the same at all. Back then, dry humping and making out had been the main event. Now, Jonghyun and Taemin are just indulging a mutual appreciation of foreplay.
Taemin's mentioned that he hasn't been with that many people. Which, to be honest, Jonghyun could have guessed, given the kid's cute but cringeworthy social awkwardness, paired with his tendency to spend free nights curled up in bed with only his laptop and torrented anime episodes to keep him company. Somehow, though, he's really good at sex. Maybe it's because he's a dancer, or maybe it's because he's just really enthusiastic. Whatever the reason, when they fuck, even when they just kiss, Jonghyun finds himself embarrassingly aroused at the littlest of things, like the clench and tremble of Taemin's thighs locked around his own, the tease of Taemin's tongue tracing his jawline.
Except he's not embarrassed about it anymore, because he's realized that Taemin is just as easily turned on. If there were such a thing as perfect chemistry between two people, then this, Jonghyun thinks, would be it. Given time, they could spend hours just lying here making out, working up a gradual haze of pleasure before moving on to the act itself.
Of course, they don't have time for gradual anything at the moment. Taemin goes in with the lube, Jonghyun rolls on a condom, and then they switch positions. Taemin lies, legs spread, lips swollen, just waiting for Jonghyun to enter him.
"Hurry up, hyung," he says.
They fuck quickly, efficiently, and it's enough. It would be routine, vanilla, if not for the fact that it's Taemin, who is sultry and yielding and beautiful - so, as always, it's electrifyingly perfect. Jonghyun comes with Taemin's fingernails raking harsh pink lines down his back, and Taemin comes with Jonghyun's hand around his cock, and they both try to be quiet about it, with Jonghyun panting wordlessly and Taemin mouthing silently over and over again, fuck, fuck, fuck yes.
"I'm switching rooms with Taemin," Minho announces one day. Jonghyun's reclined in his bed listening to music, but he sits up abruptly and pulls out his headphones.
"Huh?" he says. Something in his chest is fluttering rapidly with excitement. "Why?"
Minho sighs. "I'm not blind, you know. I know what the fuck you two get up to when I'm out."
"Oh," Jonghyun says, "okay."
"So I'm doing us all a favor and letting him move in here." Minho opens his dresser and starts yanking clothes out for emphasis. "But like, just for the record. You could have told me."
"I - " Honestly, the thought never, ever occured to Jonghyun. Like, ever. "Sorry?"
"I guess it's not really any of my business," Minho continues, shoving his clothes into a duffel bag, "but, I don't know, hyung. You just - I don't know."
"Spit it out," Jonghyun says.
"I don't think you really know what you're doing," Minho says flatly. "I don't think you have any idea."
He says it all serious, and the stern scowl on his face should be comical. Jonghyun should be cracking up. Instead, he feels the fluttering in his chest grow worse, more frenzied, more frantic.
"Yeah," Jonghyun says. "It's really none of your business."
The truth is, Jonghyun does have kind of a vague idea of what he's doing, and he doesn't like it at all, because it's giddy and terrifying and far too much to think about in the middle of promotions. He spends a lot of time burying it deep in his subconscious in a half-hearted attempt at denial, but constantly, he's reminded; by Taemin's touches backstage - he'll bump his shoulder into Jonghyun's almost accidentally, but infused with the simple comfort of his presence; by the lilt of Taemin's breathing late at night, his face angled towards Jonghyun's so that his exhales, smelling like minty toothpaste, blow gently on Jonghyun's skin; by the expectant way Taemin will look at him sometimes, half a smirk forming on his lips because he's thinking of a joke, and he knows he won't have to say it aloud for Jonghyun to understand and laugh with him.
The truth is, Jonghyun's got words for the way this feels, but he doesn't have the guts to say them.
He thinks about writing a song and serenading Taemin - I Know I Said I Only Wanted Your Body But I Changed My Mind Because You're Amazing In Every Way - but every time he sits down and tries to write something, he ends up scribbling out verse after verse until Taemin walks in the room and peers over his shoulder with a half-interested, "Whatcha writing?" and Jonghyun'll have to respond, "Nothing much," and cover up the stupidly sweet, sentimental lyrics he's just crossed out.
He decides to talk to Kibum. To ask him, in a discreet, roundabout way, how exactly he'd gotten together with Jinki. Theirs seems like the kind of delicate arrangement that takes a fair amount of forethought and, not that Jonghyun needs the knowledge for himself, exactly, but. A little fact-finding never hurt anyone.
So he walks right up to Kibum intending to open with So I've noticed that you're sleeping with and/or dating one of our bandmates, but the words catch in his throat when he realizes that Kibum isn't alone in the living room.
"Hey Kibum," Jonghyun croaks, "Jinki."
Kibum's crosslegged on the couch, Jinki lying with his head in Kibum's lap. Jinki's got this look on his face of pure bliss, like he's found paradise and it's this platonic headrest between Kibum's thighs. And Kibum, who's been all cranky and complaining lately, is gazing tranquilly at Jinki's face like this is just the escape he's been needing from the grind of performances and schedules and makeup and staged smiles. They're sitting there doing absolutely nothing, but Jonghyun still feels like he's walked in on something unspeakably intimate. His insides prickle with jealousy, and he promptly forgets why he came out here in the first place.
"We kissed," he says loudly. It's like he's stepped into someone else's skin, someone who makes it their life goal to stomp on other people's happy moments.
Kibum looks up.
"Me and Jinki," Jonghyun continues, waving his index finger between them as though it weren't obvious who he was talking about, "we kissed."
Jinki's cheeks flood with color, and Kibum looks up at Jonghyun with a deadpan stare. They don't call him Kim Mood-Ruiner Jonghyun for nothing. At least, they'll have to start calling him that now, he thinks grimly. God, he's such an asshole.
"Back when we were trainees," Jonghyun says, and he can feel his own face heating up but the words won't stop coming, "we made out like a bunch of times and it was just experimenting, it was nothing, Kibum, but I never told you and I felt shitty about it, so, yeah, this is me telling you. That I kissed your boyfriend before he was your boyfriend and also before I knew that we would all be together like this six years later." He takes a deep breath. "And I'm sorry. That I never told you."
There's a long, long silence. Jinki's face continues to flame, and he closes his eyes. Kibum's gaze remains locked on Jonghyun's in some kind of weird staring deathmatch. His eyes are unreadable, unmoving. Eventually, Jonghyun blinks.
"Say something?" he pleads in a tiny voice.
"What do you want me to say?" Kibum asks. "I already knew all of that."
Jonghyun blinks again.
"You… did?"
"It happened to come up," Jinki says without opening his eyes. "I told him ages ago."
"Oh." Jonghyun swallows. "Well. Right."
He's an idiot, an actual blundering moron. He's never going to open his mouth ever again.
"I don't see what you thought you'd accomplish by telling me," Kibum says as Jonghyun turns to go.
"Um," Jonghyun says, "peace of mind?"
Kibum snorts.
"Well, I don't know," Jonghyun says defensively. "I wanted you to know so everything could be good between all of us. I just wanted to clear the air in case - I don't know. I'm sorry for trying to be honest."
"Yeah, years after the fact," Kibum says.
"Are you mad at me?" Jonghyun says, a little incredulously.
"I'm not mad, I was never mad," Kibum shrugs. "I just feel like, you telling me so late in the game is kind of… pointless."
"Pointless," Jonghyun repeats hollowly.
"I mean, if it eases your conscience, that's great," Kibum goes on matter-of-factly, "but nothing's going to change."
"I wasn't trying to change anything," Jonghyun says slowly.
"The point is," Jinki interrupts, "don't hold it in like that next time." He shoots Jonghyun a significant glance.
Next time? Jonghyun thinks. Out loud, he says, "Sure, okay."
"You can just say it, you know," Jinki tells him. "And everything will be fine." And it's clear now, what he's talking about. Jonghyun sniffs.
"Why is everyone all up in my business," he says sulkily as he walks away. He can hear Kibum and Jinki snickering quietly behind him.
He didn't ask for anyone's shitty advice. He's dealing with this in his own way, in his own time. Since when is his love life a group endeavour?
But still, Jinki's words stick in his mind for the rest of the day, echoing faintly whenever he looks at Taemin.
You can just say it.
"What's up, hyung?" Taemin's face, openly honest and curious. Waiting, expectant.
Everything will be fine.
Jonghyun gulps. "I - nothing."
For some reason at the asscrack of dawn, Taemin's hot morning breath skims his jaw murmuring, "Hyung, hyung."
"Yeah?" Jonghyun says blearily. Half-awake, he registers slowly that Taemin is hard and straddling him and mouthing wetly at his neck. His scrawny torso bathed in early sunlight, his hair, mussed beyond recognition by bedhead, and his eyes, half-lidded but bright with anticipation - he has possibly never looked more perfect.
"Quickie before breakfast?" Taemin says, his hand already sliding down the front of Jonghyun's pajama pants.
"Sure," Jonghyun exhales, shuddering at the sudden contact.
"Y'know," Taemin says absently as his fingers begin to work Jonghyun's cock, "after today, we get a one week break."
"Yeah," Jonghyun pants.
"Yeah, so," Taemin continues, "let's hang out."
Jonghyun's not sure the haze in his mind is due to sleepiness or the ongoing handjob, but he has to sort of pause, do a double take. "Hang out?"
"If you want to," Taemin backtracks quickly. He withdraws his hand to reach for the bottle of lube they keep next to the bed. "I know you're going home, and you probably have stuff planned, but - "
Jonghyun grabs Taemin's wrist. "Wait."
Taemin is blushing and squirming, and he bites out, "Sorry, it was a stupid thing to say."
"No, no it wasn't," Jonghyun says, head spinning, "just, can we - can you put down the lube?"
Taemin puts down the lube. He rolls off of Jonghyun, sits up crosslegged next to him in the cramped bed.
"Taemin, when you say hang out, and when we do stuff like this," Jonghyun says, gesturing at their bare bodies, "it sounds like you mean it in sort of a boyfriend situation kind of way."
Taemin twitches. "I didn't - I know you don't want - "
"No, see, that's the thing," Jonghyun says, pushing himself up to sit next to Taemin. His throat is suddenly bone-dry, and he swallows hard. "I do want. To, um, do boyfriend stuff with you."
Taemin looks at him, eyes flashing. Opens his mouth like he's got some burning question, then clamps it shut again like he's still too scared. Jonghyun realizes that that's exactly what he's been doing these past few weeks: letting the words bubble up, only to quash them immediately, too terrified to face reality.
Everything will be fine, he tells himself. And he half-believes it, so he forges on.
"We've been having a lot of sex," Jonghyun says, "but I don't want you to think this is just a sex thing. I don't want this to be just a sex thing. I really, really like you, and I want to be with you for real. So, uh. I - can we?"
Taemin clenches and unclenches his fingers in a fist. His eyelids flutter nervously, and he bites his lip as he fixes Jonghyun with a long look.
"Do you mean it?" he says in a low voice.
"I mean it," Jonghyun says, leaning forward to press their foreheads together, "Taemin, I love you."
"Well, fuck," Taemin says breathily, angling in further, "I love you, too."
"Be my boyfriend," Jonghyun says, then kisses Taemin long and slow.
"Okay," Taemin says when they break apart, and grins. He winds his arms around Jonghyun's neck, cards his fingers through Jonghyun's hair. "Hyung, I’ve been wanting this - "
Then he freezes.
"What?" Jonghyun whispers.
"Oh, hyung," Taemin says. He draws back, and with one hand still cupped around Jonghyun's nape, uses the other to tweak one of the soft, furry wolf ears that have sprouted atop Jonghyun's head. "Of all the times."
"Oh," Jonghyun moans. He feels the tingle of his tailbone stretching and morphing, the prickle of fur sprouting. "No, I'm sorry, I didn't - I don't - "
"It's okay," Taemin sighs. He kisses the corner of Jonghyun's mouth. "I still - this is fine."
"But - “ Jonghyun flails. “I still - our quickie - “
"It's fine," Taemin repeats firmly.
Jonghyun's mouth goes dry. "You don't mean…?"
"No, I don't mean that," Taemin snaps. "Just hold me, you idiot."
So Jonghyun does. And when he's turned all the way, instead of slinking off to curl up in a corner, he finds himself still stretched out in bed with Taemin, the younger boy's slender arms pressed gently into his flank, his scent wafting up from just beneath Jonghyun's snout. And for once, instead of the gnawing impatience that usually accompanies his transformations, Jonghyun feels a simple peace. If Taemin can cuddle with it so contentedly, the wolf can't be all bad.
In fact, Jonghyun thinks, as Taemin's slow, even breaths tickle his fur, he could get used to this.
As it turns out, though, he doesn't have to. Promotions end the next day, and with them end the transformations.
"Now I can finally sleep in peace without worrying about one of you eating me alive," Jinki jokes blithely, slapping Kibum and Minho on the back.
"You're hilarious," Kibum says. And he leans ever so slightly into Jinki's touch.
"The thought never even crossed my lion mind," Minho says solemnly. And he, too, leans almost imperceptibly into the warmth of Jinki's palm.
"Now I can't reasonably tell you to suck my giant wolf dick," Jonghyun says to Taemin.
"Like that was ever a reasonable request," Taemin says, scowling. "Asshole."
They don't question why or how the transformations stopped. Neither does the company, whose only response is relief at being able to cancel the bulk shipments of raw meat they'd been funding. There's relief all around, really, aside from Taemin's brief lament that he hadn't taken any pictures.
"For posterity," he explains when Kibum looks horrified. "Now, if I try to tell anyone, who'll believe me?"
"I did take pictures," Jinki says sadly, "but the managers made me delete them."
"That's for the best," Kibum says primly. "Can we all just try to forget this ever happened?"
But Jonghyun is nowhere near forgetting. He wraps one arm around Taemin's waist, silently reveling in the warmth of him. Taemin responds by lacing their fingers together.
"I'm just glad things are back how they used to be," Minho says.
"Well," Jonghyun says, tightening his grip on Taemin's hand. "Not quite how they used to be."
Minho rolls his eyes. Taemin leans into Jonghyun and whispers, "Thank God for that."
Jonghyun agrees. His relationship with God has been a little strained in the past, but he feels like he has to thank someone for this - for the miracle of holding Taemin, for the exclusive rights to kiss those sinful lips, for straightforward happiness at last.
So he dips his head towards Taemin's and murmurs, "Thank you," and before he can watch Taemin can go completely red in the face, he closes his eyes and kisses him, slow and sweet.
Someone in the background makes an exaggerated gagging sound, but Jonghyun is sort of beyond caring. Because he's been chasing this feeling for months without realizing it, and yeah, he may have had to literally turn into a wild animal to get here, but. He's kissing Taemin, and Taemin is kissing him back, and implicit in this kiss is the promise of many more kisses to come.
And that alone, Jonghyun thinks blissfully, makes everything worth it.
notes
you can tell exactly where this all falls apart i didn’t want to stop caring but i did I’m SORRY it’s just been sitting on my comp unfinished for forever and i wanted to be done because...it's from like dg promotions which is ludicrous at this point seriously
pairing(s): jongtae
rating: nc-17
wordcount: ~5700
summary: this (aka shapeshifting!shinee) continued….
a/n: part two, aka the part where they actually shack up. it's been a million years since the first part, i know.. sorry….
At first the fear is that Jonghyun will change in the van or on an elevator or in public, but then promotions roll around and the fear is that he will change on stage, because literally nothing could be worse than a giant, stinky wolf bursting forth from the confines of his flashy stage outfit on live television. Their managers petition to delay the comeback, but the company is inflexible, because a) they don't know if and when this shape-shifting thing will cease, and thus have no definite time frame around which to make solid plans, and b) they can't afford even the slightest chance of Shinee's schedule competing with Exo's.
"This is just another discipline you'll have to master," Jonghyun is told, in the same tone he'd once heard, "You'll just have to get those voice cracks under control."
Right. Like this huge, looming, freakshow of a problem is something he has any control over.
"Try thinking non-wolfy thoughts," Jinki says rather unhelpfully at the dinner table that night.
"I don't think wolfy thoughts," Jonghyun grinds out petulantly. "The fuck is a wolfy thought?"
"Like, a predatory impulse?" Taemin offers.
"A desire for raw meat," Minho puts in.
Sure, depending on your interpretation of "predatory" and "meat," then, yeah, maybe Jonghyun does think wolfy thoughts. But that is its own headache entirely, one Jonghyun's not willing to dwell on right now.
"Everything happens for a reason," Kibum says sagely. "Identify the reason and you can solve the problem."
"I have no clue why I'm turning into a goddamn wolf," Jonghyun says. "Why are you turning into a tiger?"
"I don't know," Kibum admits, unperturbed, "but for me, it doesn't matter so much."
Jonghyun sighs. This, really, is the crux of the issue: not the fact of his becoming a wolf, but the timing of it. Minho goes to bed a lion on Tuesday and Friday nights, Kibum wakes up a tiger on Wednesday and Saturday mornings, and Jinki is nearly always a rabbit within minutes of arriving home at the dorm after a long day. Taemin, the lucky little shit, is perpetually and wholly human. Jonghyun is the anomaly. His transformations come at seemingly random intervals, sometimes none for a week, sometimes three or four in a day.
"Try to pay close attention to what you're doing at all times," Kibum says, "so that you know, when you're turning, why it's happening."
It sounds so easy when Kibum puts it like that, but every time Jonghyun turns all he can remember later is the panic and the frustration and the disorienting heightening of senses and dulling of rational thought. He becomes really good at discerning each member's distinctive scent, but carefully and constantly monitoring his own feelings and actions brings him no closer to figuring out the cause behind all this.
But by the time of their first taping, Jonghyun has gone three days without turning. Three days without obnoxious pep talks, three days without angry admonitions about tracking hormonal imbalances, three days without feeling disappointed glares directed at his back. It's been three days working at full throttle, three days of fueling perpetual motion with unhealthy doses of caffeine, three days of overtaxing his body to the point that it doesn't feel like his own anymore. Three days of no one mentioning the wolf thing, as though saying it aloud will jinx it back into existence, and keeping it silent will extend its absence. Jonghyun can't really complain; if there's one thing he doesn't need during the hectic frenzy of a comeback, it's one more fucking thing on his already full plate.
A thought comes to him during the dry rehearsal: if this is what it takes to stay human, he should just stay deliriously tired all the time. A thought he immediately rejects, of course, because he fucking hates being this tired, and he may not be a wolf right now, but he certainly isn't himself. Still, he can't deny that it's nice, temporarily not worrying about the wolf thing. After this comeback, he tells himself blearily; just get through this fucking comeback, and then deal with it.
Jonghyun's current theory is that the wolf thing is really the confluence of a whole bunch of other things that he's been putting off dealing with, things that aren't necessarily too much to handle individually but that, combined, quickly pile up into an untouchable mess.
Like, the Jinki thing. Now that Kibum and Jinki are sleeping together and/or dating, how is Jonghyun supposed to tell Kibum that he and Jinki hooked up one or two (or seven, but it's not like Jonghyun kept count or anything) times back before debut? He didn't tell when it was happening, or in the years that followed, and by now it's really just a hazy and mildly embarrassing memory, but if Kibum learns about it from Jinki, he'll be mad that Jonghyun never told him. But there's no way Jonghyun can just bring it up out of nowhere because honestly, framing it in words makes it sound like so much more than it was, which was just two dumb teenagers bored and horny and bad at sex.
There's also the porn thing, which he doesn't really regret, but credit card theft is credit card theft and he expects Minho to confront him about it any time now but fuck if Jonghyun was going to let that charge come up on his own account when Minho's wallet was lying right out in the open. And anyway, the video was worth it. So fucking worth it.
And, maybe most dauntingly, there's the Taemin thing, which mainly just boils down to the fact that Jonghyun wants to fuck Taemin. Badly. Jonghyun wants it, and he knows that Taemin wants it, but for some confounding reason they are not (yet) fucking, which kind of sucks. And while most everything else he can push down and ignore, this want for Taemin is a constant fire flooding his veins, igniting his blood and dominating his attention whenever they're in the same room, which funnily enough, being that they live and work together, is almost every waking hour of the day.
The first time he turned, Jonghyun thought he knew why. He'd lying in bed with Taemin, breathing in the younger man's sweet, musky scent, thinking wildly inappropriate thoughts and unabashedly feigning sleep to avoid copping to the boner he had pressed into Taemin's leg. Then Taemin had gotten up, and Jonghyun had been struck by a sudden, gut-wrenching desire to call him back. To stay there, in that bed, with Taemin, indefinitely, to just lie next to him without words, without anything but the touch of his warm skin.
Which was stupid, so as soon as the hysteria about tiger-Kibum had died down, Jonghyun had gone out for a walk to clear his head.
And then he'd turned.
Immediately, he thought - he knew - that this was a sign. Somewhere out there, there was some sentient deity singling him out for having a big fat schoolboy crush on his bandmate. Maybe it was like a folktale. Once he plucked up the courage to confess to Taemin, once he procured his true love's kiss, he'd be cured.
That was really stupid.
First of all, he is not and never has been in love with Taemin. Yeah, he really wants to get in the kid's pants, but that's lust, which is an important distinction.
Also, he's really just not brave enough to confess or make a move or do anything besides pitifully pretend that his long, lingering glances and wistful touches are nothing more than good old brotherly skinship.
To top it off, sometimes his transformations have nothing to do with Taemin. It's true that sometimes they do - sometimes Taemin will stretch his arms just so and expose the soft white of his stomach and Jonghyun will lose it, back rippling and contorting with expanding vertebrae, hair turning coarse and gray. Sometimes Taemin will laugh, eyes lost in mirth, and Jonghyun will have to excuse himself from the dinner table for half an hour to wait out the wolf, curled up on the bathroom floor.
But other times, Jonghyun will just be working on a new song or watching videos of toddlers singing on the internet or eating chicken wings or texting his friends or doing anything, really, and out of nowhere, he'll feel the spastic vibration and growth of bones, the stretch and snap of muscle and tendon, the prickle of fur, and moments later, he'll be a wolf.
Now, he's given up searching for the rhyme or reason behind his transformations. All he wants is to make them stop. Hopefully the wolf won't show up during this comeback; if Jonghyun can just make it through this comeback, he'll have a chance to step back and assess his options. He'll man up and tackle the varied and convoluted branches of the wolf thing.
But that's for later, when he's gotten sleep and is actually lucid. For the moment, he's trying his hardest to remain still for the laborious application of makeup while also taking part in the animated finalization of bets on who'll fuck up the mic stand choreography first.
"Obviously Jinki," Kibum says. "I mean, I love you, but."
"A little faith, please," Jinki grumbles.
"I'll say Taemin," Minho says. "He has the hardest parts."
"Because I'm the best," Taemin says cheekily. "Jonghyun, I say Jonghyun. That first step."
"I say Taemin," Jonghyun shoots back. "Because fuck you."
"Hold still," murmurs the makeup noona.
"Sorry."
"I'll say Minho," Jinki says. "Just to mix things up."
"So that's one for Jinki, two for Taemin, one for Jjong, one for Minho," Kibum tallies quickly. "And zero for me."
"When you're the one to mess up, I will laugh so hard," Jonghyun remarks.
They collect bets from most of the staff, then troop off to perform. No one fucks up, per se, but Minho's mic stand breaks. Jinki collects a sixty thousand won pot after the performance, then promises to treat the members to dinner. Kibum rolls his eyes, says yeah you better. Jonghyun watches the two of them, watches the space between them compress with the promise of a kiss. Watches Jinki's eyes fill with warmth, drinking in Kibum, overflowing with happiness.
"Hyung, have you seen my earring?" Taemin appears out of nowhere, out of his stage clothes but with his hair still styled high away from his forehead, with his eyes still framed in smoky black. He's rubbing his earlobe absentmindedly, casting his gaze over the makeup table and waiting room couches with a slight furrow in his brow. "The one, you know, the black one?"
"No," Jonghyun says.
Taemin's eyes land on Jonghyun's face, and his expression clears, his lips quirking in a puzzled half-grin. "Hyung," he says. "You're wearing it."
Jonghyun's fingers fly to his ears, and sure enough - a black spiked triangle dangles from his left lobe.
"Oops," he says.
Taemin laughs and shrugs. "Unsanitary, hyung. Wash it before you give it back to me, okay?"
And just like that, with no warning whatsoever, Jonghyun begins to turn. He feels it first in his teeth, in the sharpening of canines. The air tastes stronger now, of cloying stage makeup and harsh hair product. Taemin smells delicious. He looks delicious. He always has.
Jonghyun is probably an idiot, but this is a fucking epiphany to him. He has always wanted Taemin. Fragile, harebrained, invincible Taemin, who, by some miracle, wants him too. Neither of them have ever said it, and neither of them ever will unless something changes right now. No time like the present for making a complete ass of yourself, Jonghyun thinks. By now he's tired enough to plead temporary insanity if this goes horribly wrong, so he figures he has nothing to lose.
"Come with me a sec," Jonghyun says, grabbing Taemin by the wrist and jogging for the bathroom. The door locks from the inside; Jonghyun locks it.
Taemin yanks his wrist out of Jonghyun's grasp and takes a step back, eyes narrowed. "What are you - "
Jonghyun doesn't speak, afraid that if he opens his mouth he'll sound like a fucking idiot and be too embarrassed to go through with this. So instead he seizes Taemin by the shoulders and kisses him, hard. And there's maybe one second of Taemin frozen, unresponsive, before he's kissing back, hands fumbling at Jonghyun's shirt, mouth open, wet and needy. Jonghyun can feel a moan building in his own throat, a low, guttural sound of pleasure, uncontainable for the sheer joy that fucking finally, he gets to taste Taemin, gets to kiss him and feel him like no one else does. Finally, after countless hours of imagining this moment, it's arrived in a blaze of glory. And fuck if it's not ten times better than Jonghyun's imagination.
Taemin draws back for half a beat, and there's a faint smirk on his lips. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Shut up," Jonghyun growls, pushing forward and pinning Taemin against the cold tile wall. Taemin angles his head down to meet Jonghyun's lips and where before they had been frenzied, frantic, now they kiss slowly, unhurried. Eyes closed, Jonghyun drinks in the sensation of Taemin's tongue sliding against his and Taemin's arms curled around his neck and Taemin's hips gyrating ever so slightly, rocking into Jonghyun teasingly until they're both half-hard and panting.
"Seriously," Taemin says breathily then, head tilted, eyes dilated, lips cherry red and swollen. "What are we doing?"
Jonghyun runs his tongue along the edge of his teeth. Still wolfy. "I was - I'm turning."
Taemin cocks one eyebrow skeptically. "Okay, so...?"
"So I just - I don't know, I thought this whole wolf thing had something to do with you somehow, and you were right there, and I thought maybe if I just - acted on my impulses for once, then - but I don't fucking know. I don't know what I expected to happen. You just - there's something about you, always you, the way you - oh fuck." Jonghyun breaks off as his teeth grow longer, sharper, and his face begins to lose its form.
"Hyung?"
Jonghyun shakes his head. Speech is no longer an option - not that he was making himself very clear anyways - and he turns away from Taemin to quickly shuck off his pants, pull his shirt off over his head. All the while he can feel his fingers fusing, becoming paws. Fur springs up along his legs and back. When he turns back to face Taemin, his clothes puddled on the floor, it is as a full-fledged wolf.
"Oh, hyung," Taemin sighs. "You're a mess."
Jonghyun gets a light scolding for turning, but since the only real effect was delaying their departure by about ten minutes, the incident is quickly forgotten by all. The promotion period continues in a whirl of radio and television bookings, and Jonghyun doesn't turn again. He has a theory about why this is, and he shares it with Taemin.
"So basically," Taemin says, "you're sleeping with me just so you don't turn back into a wolf."
"That's not why I'm sleeping with you," Jonghyun says, stripping off his T-shirt and throwing it across the room to the pile of dirty laundry heaped around a half-full hamper. "I'm sleeping with you because I want to, and it's fulfilling some psychological need I was denying myself previously, and that is why I've stopped turning into a wolf."
"Wow, you know just what to say to get me in the mood," Taemin says, rolling his eyes.
"I'm saying you keep me human!" Jonghyun protests.
"You're saying I'm stress relief," Taemin says.
"No, I - ugh. Whatever, just come here," Jonghyun says, flopping backward onto his bed and shimmying out of his underwear. "We don't have a lot of time."
"Fine," Taemin says. He locks Jonghyun and Minho's bedroom door, then kicks off his sweatpants. He starts to cross the room for Jonghyun's bed, then pauses. "I just…" He shakes his head. "Never mind."
"What?"
"It's nothing," Taemin says.
"It's always something," Jonghyun says. "You can tell me."
"You just said we don't have time," Taemin says, throwing one toned thigh over Jonghyun's hips to straddle him on the bed. The mattress gives with a squeak, and Taemin's ass rests warm against Jonghyun's cock. The younger man leans down close, his breath tickling Jonghyun's face. "So how about you just fuck me, hyung."
There are guys who probably get off on being called 'hyung,' or 'oppa,' or whatever, during sex. Jonghyun doesn't consider himself one of those guys - he's got a name, and he likes to hear it - but the way Taemin says it, low and impatient and seductive: "fuck me, hyung" - it's irresistable. Jonghyun grinds his hips instinctively upward, feels Taemin rut eagerly against him in response.
"Fuck," Taemin gasps, locking his arms as he braces himself against the pillow behind Jonghyun's head, working his hips slowly, rhythmically, to press his erection against Jonghyun's.
"Hey," Jonghyun says, wrapping his arms around Taemin's skinny frame and pulling him closer. "C'mere."
And then Taemin is flush against him, chest to chest, so that Jonghyun can feel the pounding of his heart, and they're kissing. They're kissing, and Taemin's hand is fisted around both their cocks, and Taemin is so soft and perfect under Jonghyun's groping hands, and Taemin is making all these hot little whimpering noises, and Jonghyun is in heaven.
It's kind of tame. It's kind of teenagery. They're just making out and mindlessly rubbing against each other, kind of like how Jonghyun had all those years ago with Jinki. But, Jonghyun thinks, that was different. That was experimentation. He and Jinki hadn't known what the hell to do with each other, had sought release in whatever clumsy friction they could produce between them. (Until Jonghyun sucked Jinki's cock and they both felt so weird about it that their after-practice trysts came to an abrupt halt.)
This isn't the same at all. Back then, dry humping and making out had been the main event. Now, Jonghyun and Taemin are just indulging a mutual appreciation of foreplay.
Taemin's mentioned that he hasn't been with that many people. Which, to be honest, Jonghyun could have guessed, given the kid's cute but cringeworthy social awkwardness, paired with his tendency to spend free nights curled up in bed with only his laptop and torrented anime episodes to keep him company. Somehow, though, he's really good at sex. Maybe it's because he's a dancer, or maybe it's because he's just really enthusiastic. Whatever the reason, when they fuck, even when they just kiss, Jonghyun finds himself embarrassingly aroused at the littlest of things, like the clench and tremble of Taemin's thighs locked around his own, the tease of Taemin's tongue tracing his jawline.
Except he's not embarrassed about it anymore, because he's realized that Taemin is just as easily turned on. If there were such a thing as perfect chemistry between two people, then this, Jonghyun thinks, would be it. Given time, they could spend hours just lying here making out, working up a gradual haze of pleasure before moving on to the act itself.
Of course, they don't have time for gradual anything at the moment. Taemin goes in with the lube, Jonghyun rolls on a condom, and then they switch positions. Taemin lies, legs spread, lips swollen, just waiting for Jonghyun to enter him.
"Hurry up, hyung," he says.
They fuck quickly, efficiently, and it's enough. It would be routine, vanilla, if not for the fact that it's Taemin, who is sultry and yielding and beautiful - so, as always, it's electrifyingly perfect. Jonghyun comes with Taemin's fingernails raking harsh pink lines down his back, and Taemin comes with Jonghyun's hand around his cock, and they both try to be quiet about it, with Jonghyun panting wordlessly and Taemin mouthing silently over and over again, fuck, fuck, fuck yes.
"I'm switching rooms with Taemin," Minho announces one day. Jonghyun's reclined in his bed listening to music, but he sits up abruptly and pulls out his headphones.
"Huh?" he says. Something in his chest is fluttering rapidly with excitement. "Why?"
Minho sighs. "I'm not blind, you know. I know what the fuck you two get up to when I'm out."
"Oh," Jonghyun says, "okay."
"So I'm doing us all a favor and letting him move in here." Minho opens his dresser and starts yanking clothes out for emphasis. "But like, just for the record. You could have told me."
"I - " Honestly, the thought never, ever occured to Jonghyun. Like, ever. "Sorry?"
"I guess it's not really any of my business," Minho continues, shoving his clothes into a duffel bag, "but, I don't know, hyung. You just - I don't know."
"Spit it out," Jonghyun says.
"I don't think you really know what you're doing," Minho says flatly. "I don't think you have any idea."
He says it all serious, and the stern scowl on his face should be comical. Jonghyun should be cracking up. Instead, he feels the fluttering in his chest grow worse, more frenzied, more frantic.
"Yeah," Jonghyun says. "It's really none of your business."
The truth is, Jonghyun does have kind of a vague idea of what he's doing, and he doesn't like it at all, because it's giddy and terrifying and far too much to think about in the middle of promotions. He spends a lot of time burying it deep in his subconscious in a half-hearted attempt at denial, but constantly, he's reminded; by Taemin's touches backstage - he'll bump his shoulder into Jonghyun's almost accidentally, but infused with the simple comfort of his presence; by the lilt of Taemin's breathing late at night, his face angled towards Jonghyun's so that his exhales, smelling like minty toothpaste, blow gently on Jonghyun's skin; by the expectant way Taemin will look at him sometimes, half a smirk forming on his lips because he's thinking of a joke, and he knows he won't have to say it aloud for Jonghyun to understand and laugh with him.
The truth is, Jonghyun's got words for the way this feels, but he doesn't have the guts to say them.
He thinks about writing a song and serenading Taemin - I Know I Said I Only Wanted Your Body But I Changed My Mind Because You're Amazing In Every Way - but every time he sits down and tries to write something, he ends up scribbling out verse after verse until Taemin walks in the room and peers over his shoulder with a half-interested, "Whatcha writing?" and Jonghyun'll have to respond, "Nothing much," and cover up the stupidly sweet, sentimental lyrics he's just crossed out.
He decides to talk to Kibum. To ask him, in a discreet, roundabout way, how exactly he'd gotten together with Jinki. Theirs seems like the kind of delicate arrangement that takes a fair amount of forethought and, not that Jonghyun needs the knowledge for himself, exactly, but. A little fact-finding never hurt anyone.
So he walks right up to Kibum intending to open with So I've noticed that you're sleeping with and/or dating one of our bandmates, but the words catch in his throat when he realizes that Kibum isn't alone in the living room.
"Hey Kibum," Jonghyun croaks, "Jinki."
Kibum's crosslegged on the couch, Jinki lying with his head in Kibum's lap. Jinki's got this look on his face of pure bliss, like he's found paradise and it's this platonic headrest between Kibum's thighs. And Kibum, who's been all cranky and complaining lately, is gazing tranquilly at Jinki's face like this is just the escape he's been needing from the grind of performances and schedules and makeup and staged smiles. They're sitting there doing absolutely nothing, but Jonghyun still feels like he's walked in on something unspeakably intimate. His insides prickle with jealousy, and he promptly forgets why he came out here in the first place.
"We kissed," he says loudly. It's like he's stepped into someone else's skin, someone who makes it their life goal to stomp on other people's happy moments.
Kibum looks up.
"Me and Jinki," Jonghyun continues, waving his index finger between them as though it weren't obvious who he was talking about, "we kissed."
Jinki's cheeks flood with color, and Kibum looks up at Jonghyun with a deadpan stare. They don't call him Kim Mood-Ruiner Jonghyun for nothing. At least, they'll have to start calling him that now, he thinks grimly. God, he's such an asshole.
"Back when we were trainees," Jonghyun says, and he can feel his own face heating up but the words won't stop coming, "we made out like a bunch of times and it was just experimenting, it was nothing, Kibum, but I never told you and I felt shitty about it, so, yeah, this is me telling you. That I kissed your boyfriend before he was your boyfriend and also before I knew that we would all be together like this six years later." He takes a deep breath. "And I'm sorry. That I never told you."
There's a long, long silence. Jinki's face continues to flame, and he closes his eyes. Kibum's gaze remains locked on Jonghyun's in some kind of weird staring deathmatch. His eyes are unreadable, unmoving. Eventually, Jonghyun blinks.
"Say something?" he pleads in a tiny voice.
"What do you want me to say?" Kibum asks. "I already knew all of that."
Jonghyun blinks again.
"You… did?"
"It happened to come up," Jinki says without opening his eyes. "I told him ages ago."
"Oh." Jonghyun swallows. "Well. Right."
He's an idiot, an actual blundering moron. He's never going to open his mouth ever again.
"I don't see what you thought you'd accomplish by telling me," Kibum says as Jonghyun turns to go.
"Um," Jonghyun says, "peace of mind?"
Kibum snorts.
"Well, I don't know," Jonghyun says defensively. "I wanted you to know so everything could be good between all of us. I just wanted to clear the air in case - I don't know. I'm sorry for trying to be honest."
"Yeah, years after the fact," Kibum says.
"Are you mad at me?" Jonghyun says, a little incredulously.
"I'm not mad, I was never mad," Kibum shrugs. "I just feel like, you telling me so late in the game is kind of… pointless."
"Pointless," Jonghyun repeats hollowly.
"I mean, if it eases your conscience, that's great," Kibum goes on matter-of-factly, "but nothing's going to change."
"I wasn't trying to change anything," Jonghyun says slowly.
"The point is," Jinki interrupts, "don't hold it in like that next time." He shoots Jonghyun a significant glance.
Next time? Jonghyun thinks. Out loud, he says, "Sure, okay."
"You can just say it, you know," Jinki tells him. "And everything will be fine." And it's clear now, what he's talking about. Jonghyun sniffs.
"Why is everyone all up in my business," he says sulkily as he walks away. He can hear Kibum and Jinki snickering quietly behind him.
He didn't ask for anyone's shitty advice. He's dealing with this in his own way, in his own time. Since when is his love life a group endeavour?
But still, Jinki's words stick in his mind for the rest of the day, echoing faintly whenever he looks at Taemin.
You can just say it.
"What's up, hyung?" Taemin's face, openly honest and curious. Waiting, expectant.
Everything will be fine.
Jonghyun gulps. "I - nothing."
For some reason at the asscrack of dawn, Taemin's hot morning breath skims his jaw murmuring, "Hyung, hyung."
"Yeah?" Jonghyun says blearily. Half-awake, he registers slowly that Taemin is hard and straddling him and mouthing wetly at his neck. His scrawny torso bathed in early sunlight, his hair, mussed beyond recognition by bedhead, and his eyes, half-lidded but bright with anticipation - he has possibly never looked more perfect.
"Quickie before breakfast?" Taemin says, his hand already sliding down the front of Jonghyun's pajama pants.
"Sure," Jonghyun exhales, shuddering at the sudden contact.
"Y'know," Taemin says absently as his fingers begin to work Jonghyun's cock, "after today, we get a one week break."
"Yeah," Jonghyun pants.
"Yeah, so," Taemin continues, "let's hang out."
Jonghyun's not sure the haze in his mind is due to sleepiness or the ongoing handjob, but he has to sort of pause, do a double take. "Hang out?"
"If you want to," Taemin backtracks quickly. He withdraws his hand to reach for the bottle of lube they keep next to the bed. "I know you're going home, and you probably have stuff planned, but - "
Jonghyun grabs Taemin's wrist. "Wait."
Taemin is blushing and squirming, and he bites out, "Sorry, it was a stupid thing to say."
"No, no it wasn't," Jonghyun says, head spinning, "just, can we - can you put down the lube?"
Taemin puts down the lube. He rolls off of Jonghyun, sits up crosslegged next to him in the cramped bed.
"Taemin, when you say hang out, and when we do stuff like this," Jonghyun says, gesturing at their bare bodies, "it sounds like you mean it in sort of a boyfriend situation kind of way."
Taemin twitches. "I didn't - I know you don't want - "
"No, see, that's the thing," Jonghyun says, pushing himself up to sit next to Taemin. His throat is suddenly bone-dry, and he swallows hard. "I do want. To, um, do boyfriend stuff with you."
Taemin looks at him, eyes flashing. Opens his mouth like he's got some burning question, then clamps it shut again like he's still too scared. Jonghyun realizes that that's exactly what he's been doing these past few weeks: letting the words bubble up, only to quash them immediately, too terrified to face reality.
Everything will be fine, he tells himself. And he half-believes it, so he forges on.
"We've been having a lot of sex," Jonghyun says, "but I don't want you to think this is just a sex thing. I don't want this to be just a sex thing. I really, really like you, and I want to be with you for real. So, uh. I - can we?"
Taemin clenches and unclenches his fingers in a fist. His eyelids flutter nervously, and he bites his lip as he fixes Jonghyun with a long look.
"Do you mean it?" he says in a low voice.
"I mean it," Jonghyun says, leaning forward to press their foreheads together, "Taemin, I love you."
"Well, fuck," Taemin says breathily, angling in further, "I love you, too."
"Be my boyfriend," Jonghyun says, then kisses Taemin long and slow.
"Okay," Taemin says when they break apart, and grins. He winds his arms around Jonghyun's neck, cards his fingers through Jonghyun's hair. "Hyung, I’ve been wanting this - "
Then he freezes.
"What?" Jonghyun whispers.
"Oh, hyung," Taemin says. He draws back, and with one hand still cupped around Jonghyun's nape, uses the other to tweak one of the soft, furry wolf ears that have sprouted atop Jonghyun's head. "Of all the times."
"Oh," Jonghyun moans. He feels the tingle of his tailbone stretching and morphing, the prickle of fur sprouting. "No, I'm sorry, I didn't - I don't - "
"It's okay," Taemin sighs. He kisses the corner of Jonghyun's mouth. "I still - this is fine."
"But - “ Jonghyun flails. “I still - our quickie - “
"It's fine," Taemin repeats firmly.
Jonghyun's mouth goes dry. "You don't mean…?"
"No, I don't mean that," Taemin snaps. "Just hold me, you idiot."
So Jonghyun does. And when he's turned all the way, instead of slinking off to curl up in a corner, he finds himself still stretched out in bed with Taemin, the younger boy's slender arms pressed gently into his flank, his scent wafting up from just beneath Jonghyun's snout. And for once, instead of the gnawing impatience that usually accompanies his transformations, Jonghyun feels a simple peace. If Taemin can cuddle with it so contentedly, the wolf can't be all bad.
In fact, Jonghyun thinks, as Taemin's slow, even breaths tickle his fur, he could get used to this.
As it turns out, though, he doesn't have to. Promotions end the next day, and with them end the transformations.
"Now I can finally sleep in peace without worrying about one of you eating me alive," Jinki jokes blithely, slapping Kibum and Minho on the back.
"You're hilarious," Kibum says. And he leans ever so slightly into Jinki's touch.
"The thought never even crossed my lion mind," Minho says solemnly. And he, too, leans almost imperceptibly into the warmth of Jinki's palm.
"Now I can't reasonably tell you to suck my giant wolf dick," Jonghyun says to Taemin.
"Like that was ever a reasonable request," Taemin says, scowling. "Asshole."
They don't question why or how the transformations stopped. Neither does the company, whose only response is relief at being able to cancel the bulk shipments of raw meat they'd been funding. There's relief all around, really, aside from Taemin's brief lament that he hadn't taken any pictures.
"For posterity," he explains when Kibum looks horrified. "Now, if I try to tell anyone, who'll believe me?"
"I did take pictures," Jinki says sadly, "but the managers made me delete them."
"That's for the best," Kibum says primly. "Can we all just try to forget this ever happened?"
But Jonghyun is nowhere near forgetting. He wraps one arm around Taemin's waist, silently reveling in the warmth of him. Taemin responds by lacing their fingers together.
"I'm just glad things are back how they used to be," Minho says.
"Well," Jonghyun says, tightening his grip on Taemin's hand. "Not quite how they used to be."
Minho rolls his eyes. Taemin leans into Jonghyun and whispers, "Thank God for that."
Jonghyun agrees. His relationship with God has been a little strained in the past, but he feels like he has to thank someone for this - for the miracle of holding Taemin, for the exclusive rights to kiss those sinful lips, for straightforward happiness at last.
So he dips his head towards Taemin's and murmurs, "Thank you," and before he can watch Taemin can go completely red in the face, he closes his eyes and kisses him, slow and sweet.
Someone in the background makes an exaggerated gagging sound, but Jonghyun is sort of beyond caring. Because he's been chasing this feeling for months without realizing it, and yeah, he may have had to literally turn into a wild animal to get here, but. He's kissing Taemin, and Taemin is kissing him back, and implicit in this kiss is the promise of many more kisses to come.
And that alone, Jonghyun thinks blissfully, makes everything worth it.
notes
you can tell exactly where this all falls apart i didn’t want to stop caring but i did I’m SORRY it’s just been sitting on my comp unfinished for forever and i wanted to be done because...it's from like dg promotions which is ludicrous at this point seriously