[vixx] need you to say it
title: need you to say it
pairing(s): leo/hongbin
rating: r
wordcount: ~1800
summary: Taekwoon and Hongbin are fuckbuddies; Taekwoon wishes they were more.
a/n: I can't quit leobin, and tbh I never really tried. This ficlet is set in a fictional future, let's say before the next comeback, where they also go on tour overseas beforehand.
It's supposed to be one of those things that happens, but gets treated like it didn't. Case in point: Singapore. They don't talk about Singapore - they make a point of not talking about it, they bury it in their psyches, they do their best to deny it, so that for all intents and purposes, maybe it didn't happen. Taekwoon thinks he remembers snippets, laced with vodka and lemonade, but it's all a haze, and with no one to confirm or deny his recollections, it means nothing. It's a non-event. It's one big, whited-out blank; it didn't happen; it means nothing.
And that's what this is supposed to be, too, except when he wakes up in a hotel bed in Tokyo, Hongbin is there, too, hogging the covers and beginning to stir and whine a little under his breath, not yet, not yet, as he reaches one arm out blindly and just touches Taekwoon shoulder, gently, as though to just make sure he's still there. Taekwoon freezes - is this normal? Is this Hongbin pretending that this is all normal, that bandmates just sometimes wake up together completely naked and tangled in sheets that still smell like what they did last night, or - ?
Hongbin cracks one eye open, squints against the morning sunlight streaming in through the window, says, "Hey."
Taekwoon swallows. Hongbin's fingers are still resting along his bare shoulder. "Hey."
"What time is it?"
Taekwoon glances at the bedside clock. "Almost eight."
Hongbin groans. "Oh god, we're supposed to meet up at eight-thirty."
Taekwoon nods. "You wanna take first shower?"
"Yeah. Or, no. Wait, yeah... But I still wanna sleep, but..." Hongbin withdraws his hand, rubs the sleep from his eyes. Slowly, he sits up, and then, grinning down at Taekwoon with those dimples and those eyes and that wild, rumpled bedhead, he says, "Or maybe... we both take first shower?"
"What do you mean," Taekwoon says, as though he doesn't already know, as though he hadn't been thinking it from the start.
"I mean, we could save time and shower together." Hongbin leans down over him, gets real close to Taekwoon's face like he's going to kiss him - and then seems to think better of it. He wrinkles his nose as he sits back up. "My breath is awful. C'mon, hyung, let's shower."
"You go first," Taekwoon says, with little conviction.
"Come on, shower with me," Hongbin says, tugging Taekwoon by the wrist, "let's save time and water! Do it for the environment."
They make it to the others at eight-thirty, hopefully not looking like they just gave each other handjobs in the shower, then they go sightseeing, and then they finish their tour, and then they go back to Korea - and Taekwoon begins to wonder when they'll start the forgetting. There will be a point, he knows, after which they will both have no official memory of what they did, or the taste of each other's mouths, or the feel of skin slick with water and bodywash and cum, and Taekwoon just wonders when that'll be. Because Hongbin - who'll pull him aside and rub against him hard and dirty between dress rehearsal and the show, who'll paw at his ass during costume changes backstage, who'll kiss him slow in cold bathroom stalls - is showing no signs of forgetting so far. And Taekwoon is beginning to think he probably couldn't forget this even if he wanted to.
Back in the dorm with a new promotion cycle gearing up, they're too busy to fool around much, but Hongbin still doesn't seem like he's done. The only thing is, he also doesn't seem like he realizes that Taekwoon would be happy to fool around even less, if it meant talking about this seriously, just one time. The closest he gets is this, on a night he's holed up in his studio until three, when Hongbin comes to break him out:
"Hongbin, what are we doing?" he blurts, breathy and muffled into Hongbin's neck, Hongbin's hands frantic at the zip of his jeans.
"I wanna blow you, unless we get caught," Hongbin says, almost matter-of-fact.
"I mean - in general," Taekwoon pants as Hongbin palms him through his underwear.
"I don't know," Hongbin says. "Can I blow you now?"
Taekwoon lets Hongbin blow him, and then they slink back to the dorm and fall asleep in their separate beds, surrounded by bandmates that have no fucking clue.
It isn't that Taekwoon wants to tell people about this - quite the opposite, really. He'd probably die of embarrassment if they knew. But it's just - this Thing, with Hongbin, whatever it is, is still going to be a nothing, a non-event, probably. If no one else knows - and if they don't ever talk about it - it didn't happen. No matter that it's happening right now, whenever they have time, in whatever cramped space is private enough. As soon as they decide to erase it, it'll be like it never happened. Which is probably what Hongbin wants, and is what Taekwoon knows he should want, but -
But then Hongbin will throw his head back and laugh, and he'll look quickly at Taekwoon, eyes shining, to make sure he's laughing too, and Taekwoon will be so overcome that he'll forget to even smile, and his mouth will drop the tiniest bit open, and he'll think that he's never seen anything so beautiful. And he can tell himself that this is going to go away so it's pointless, meaningless to be so smitten, but he can't shake the feeling lingering heavy in his chest that he might not ever get over this, because now, he can't even remember what it's like to not be this into Hongbin.
"Do you wanna kiss?" he'd slurred tipsily in that Tokyo hotel room, and he'd been half thinking that Hongbin would say no, and that then he'd have a solid refusal to start from. That no was supposed to be his tipping point, his wake-up call, his kickstart to a life that didn't involve day dreaming about his friend's cock.
But then Hongbin had gone red in the cheeks and blinked at Taekwoon and said shyly, "Yeah, yeah, let's kiss," and then they'd slept together and not forgotten about it. It could have been - was supposed to be their Singapore. So why, weeks later, are they still sleeping together - why, weeks later, are the butterflies in Taekwoon's stomach when Hongbin slings one arm casually over his shoulder, worse than ever?
It isn't fair.
Sometimes Taekwoon will be next to Hongbin, and he'll put his hand on Hongbin's shoulder or thigh, just because he can, and Hongbin will look at him with eyes that say I'm yours, when he isn't, really, and it just isn't fair. Taekwoon can understand why they're doing what they doing - fucking, no strings attached, it's nothing, Singapore - but the way Hongbin looks at him sometimes makes it feel so real, and Taekwoon can't help but fall into that delusion each and every time. Taekwoon's greedy, and weak; if he were a little stronger he'd break this whole thing off right now, but he always puts it off until after the next kiss, and so it stretches precariously on.
Halfway through promotions, on a long van ride from one performance location to another, Taekwoon's woken from an unrestful state of half-sleep by a stage-whispered conversation in the back row.
"You gotta give us something," Wonshik says.
"No, I don't," Hongbin replies stoutly.
"You can't keep on mentioning this mystery girl with those sappy hearts in your eyes all the time and then just not tell us," Jaehwan presses.
"You don't have to say who it is," Wonshik adds, "just give us a hint."
"No," Hongbin says, "and I do not have heart eyes."
"Hongbinnie," Jaehwan whines.
"Look, shut up," Hongbin hisses, "Taekwoon-hyung is sleeping."
"Come on - "
"Okay, it's not like we're dating or anything," Hongbin says exasperatedly. "I just - it's not like - it's nothing, okay, there's nothing to tell."
"Hongbinnie has a girlfriend," Jaehwan sings.
Taekwoon opens his eyes and twists in his seat and says, "You have a girlfriend?"
Hongbin goes completely red. "No! Hyung, no."
"Hongbin has a crush," Wonshik says with a smirk.
Hongbin stares at Taekwoon with helpless wide eyes, and Taekwoon's heart thuds painfully, and then he turns back around in his seat without another word. The conversation in the back row continues, but Taekwoon plugs into his phone and drowns it out with heavy ballads about crying in the rain. When they get back to the dorm that night, Taekwoon pulls Hongbin aside immediately, dragging him into the bathroom and locking the door.
"You need to choose," he says in a low voice. "If this is going to be nothing, you need to end it now."
"What?" Hongbin looks cornered, panicked. "I don't want to end it."
"Then tell me," Taekwoon says a little desperately, "what it means. I can't do this anymore."
"What it means?" Hongbin says. "God, I don't know, hyung - I don't know what it means, I don't know what I'm doing - I thought we were just figuring it out as we went along, I don't know what I'm supposed to do, and I can't talk to anyone about it, so I just - I'm sorry if I messed up - "
"You just," Taekwoon exhales, "you just, you keep acting like you're my boyfriend, but you're not."
"I'm not?" There's hurt in his eyes, and confusion.
"Are you?" Taekwoon says incredulously.
"Can I be?"
There's a long pause. With a worried, half-frown and something like fear in his eyes, beautiful, vain Hongbin has never looked more vulnerable. Taekwoon has to take a second and process what's happening. It almost sounds like Hongbin is asking for something Taekwoon's hoped for from the start, like they're on the same damn page and maybe have been all along.
"Do you want to be?" Taekwoon says, half-whispering.
"Well, yeah," Hongbin says, flushing pink, "I thought you wanted that, too."
"Oh," Taekwoon says stupidly. "Oh. Yeah, I do."
"I'm sorry I suck at this whole," Hongbin gestures vaguely, "this. I was trying really hard to keep it a secret from the others."
"It's okay, I - I'm sorry I'm an idiot," Taekwoon says, and then: "Wait. Am I - the person you have heart eyes for?"
Hongbin rolls his eyes. "Okay, don't get a big head - but yeah." He leans in close, breath washing over Taekwoon's cheek. "I really like you, you know?"
“I like you, too,” Taekwoon murmurs, and then he presses in for a kiss. And it's sweet and familiar, like the countless kisses they've shared before, only this one is better and sweeter by far, because this one's a promise. They kiss there in the bathroom until someone calls their names, and then Hongbin pulls back with a little smile and takes Taekwoon's hand, and together they walk out the door.
notes
written all in a rush after watching like 3 leobin related videos on youtube and remembering how important this pairing is to me; not super edited, v disjointed; concrit more than welcome
also, title from the song let me know, by nlt. even though that song has heavy taekai associations in my head lol
also, re: singapore. it's just a place i know they've performed before. (i think?? if not, that's ok lol) i'll leave the rest up to your imagination~
pairing(s): leo/hongbin
rating: r
wordcount: ~1800
summary: Taekwoon and Hongbin are fuckbuddies; Taekwoon wishes they were more.
a/n: I can't quit leobin, and tbh I never really tried. This ficlet is set in a fictional future, let's say before the next comeback, where they also go on tour overseas beforehand.
It's supposed to be one of those things that happens, but gets treated like it didn't. Case in point: Singapore. They don't talk about Singapore - they make a point of not talking about it, they bury it in their psyches, they do their best to deny it, so that for all intents and purposes, maybe it didn't happen. Taekwoon thinks he remembers snippets, laced with vodka and lemonade, but it's all a haze, and with no one to confirm or deny his recollections, it means nothing. It's a non-event. It's one big, whited-out blank; it didn't happen; it means nothing.
And that's what this is supposed to be, too, except when he wakes up in a hotel bed in Tokyo, Hongbin is there, too, hogging the covers and beginning to stir and whine a little under his breath, not yet, not yet, as he reaches one arm out blindly and just touches Taekwoon shoulder, gently, as though to just make sure he's still there. Taekwoon freezes - is this normal? Is this Hongbin pretending that this is all normal, that bandmates just sometimes wake up together completely naked and tangled in sheets that still smell like what they did last night, or - ?
Hongbin cracks one eye open, squints against the morning sunlight streaming in through the window, says, "Hey."
Taekwoon swallows. Hongbin's fingers are still resting along his bare shoulder. "Hey."
"What time is it?"
Taekwoon glances at the bedside clock. "Almost eight."
Hongbin groans. "Oh god, we're supposed to meet up at eight-thirty."
Taekwoon nods. "You wanna take first shower?"
"Yeah. Or, no. Wait, yeah... But I still wanna sleep, but..." Hongbin withdraws his hand, rubs the sleep from his eyes. Slowly, he sits up, and then, grinning down at Taekwoon with those dimples and those eyes and that wild, rumpled bedhead, he says, "Or maybe... we both take first shower?"
"What do you mean," Taekwoon says, as though he doesn't already know, as though he hadn't been thinking it from the start.
"I mean, we could save time and shower together." Hongbin leans down over him, gets real close to Taekwoon's face like he's going to kiss him - and then seems to think better of it. He wrinkles his nose as he sits back up. "My breath is awful. C'mon, hyung, let's shower."
"You go first," Taekwoon says, with little conviction.
"Come on, shower with me," Hongbin says, tugging Taekwoon by the wrist, "let's save time and water! Do it for the environment."
They make it to the others at eight-thirty, hopefully not looking like they just gave each other handjobs in the shower, then they go sightseeing, and then they finish their tour, and then they go back to Korea - and Taekwoon begins to wonder when they'll start the forgetting. There will be a point, he knows, after which they will both have no official memory of what they did, or the taste of each other's mouths, or the feel of skin slick with water and bodywash and cum, and Taekwoon just wonders when that'll be. Because Hongbin - who'll pull him aside and rub against him hard and dirty between dress rehearsal and the show, who'll paw at his ass during costume changes backstage, who'll kiss him slow in cold bathroom stalls - is showing no signs of forgetting so far. And Taekwoon is beginning to think he probably couldn't forget this even if he wanted to.
Back in the dorm with a new promotion cycle gearing up, they're too busy to fool around much, but Hongbin still doesn't seem like he's done. The only thing is, he also doesn't seem like he realizes that Taekwoon would be happy to fool around even less, if it meant talking about this seriously, just one time. The closest he gets is this, on a night he's holed up in his studio until three, when Hongbin comes to break him out:
"Hongbin, what are we doing?" he blurts, breathy and muffled into Hongbin's neck, Hongbin's hands frantic at the zip of his jeans.
"I wanna blow you, unless we get caught," Hongbin says, almost matter-of-fact.
"I mean - in general," Taekwoon pants as Hongbin palms him through his underwear.
"I don't know," Hongbin says. "Can I blow you now?"
Taekwoon lets Hongbin blow him, and then they slink back to the dorm and fall asleep in their separate beds, surrounded by bandmates that have no fucking clue.
It isn't that Taekwoon wants to tell people about this - quite the opposite, really. He'd probably die of embarrassment if they knew. But it's just - this Thing, with Hongbin, whatever it is, is still going to be a nothing, a non-event, probably. If no one else knows - and if they don't ever talk about it - it didn't happen. No matter that it's happening right now, whenever they have time, in whatever cramped space is private enough. As soon as they decide to erase it, it'll be like it never happened. Which is probably what Hongbin wants, and is what Taekwoon knows he should want, but -
But then Hongbin will throw his head back and laugh, and he'll look quickly at Taekwoon, eyes shining, to make sure he's laughing too, and Taekwoon will be so overcome that he'll forget to even smile, and his mouth will drop the tiniest bit open, and he'll think that he's never seen anything so beautiful. And he can tell himself that this is going to go away so it's pointless, meaningless to be so smitten, but he can't shake the feeling lingering heavy in his chest that he might not ever get over this, because now, he can't even remember what it's like to not be this into Hongbin.
"Do you wanna kiss?" he'd slurred tipsily in that Tokyo hotel room, and he'd been half thinking that Hongbin would say no, and that then he'd have a solid refusal to start from. That no was supposed to be his tipping point, his wake-up call, his kickstart to a life that didn't involve day dreaming about his friend's cock.
But then Hongbin had gone red in the cheeks and blinked at Taekwoon and said shyly, "Yeah, yeah, let's kiss," and then they'd slept together and not forgotten about it. It could have been - was supposed to be their Singapore. So why, weeks later, are they still sleeping together - why, weeks later, are the butterflies in Taekwoon's stomach when Hongbin slings one arm casually over his shoulder, worse than ever?
It isn't fair.
Sometimes Taekwoon will be next to Hongbin, and he'll put his hand on Hongbin's shoulder or thigh, just because he can, and Hongbin will look at him with eyes that say I'm yours, when he isn't, really, and it just isn't fair. Taekwoon can understand why they're doing what they doing - fucking, no strings attached, it's nothing, Singapore - but the way Hongbin looks at him sometimes makes it feel so real, and Taekwoon can't help but fall into that delusion each and every time. Taekwoon's greedy, and weak; if he were a little stronger he'd break this whole thing off right now, but he always puts it off until after the next kiss, and so it stretches precariously on.
Halfway through promotions, on a long van ride from one performance location to another, Taekwoon's woken from an unrestful state of half-sleep by a stage-whispered conversation in the back row.
"You gotta give us something," Wonshik says.
"No, I don't," Hongbin replies stoutly.
"You can't keep on mentioning this mystery girl with those sappy hearts in your eyes all the time and then just not tell us," Jaehwan presses.
"You don't have to say who it is," Wonshik adds, "just give us a hint."
"No," Hongbin says, "and I do not have heart eyes."
"Hongbinnie," Jaehwan whines.
"Look, shut up," Hongbin hisses, "Taekwoon-hyung is sleeping."
"Come on - "
"Okay, it's not like we're dating or anything," Hongbin says exasperatedly. "I just - it's not like - it's nothing, okay, there's nothing to tell."
"Hongbinnie has a girlfriend," Jaehwan sings.
Taekwoon opens his eyes and twists in his seat and says, "You have a girlfriend?"
Hongbin goes completely red. "No! Hyung, no."
"Hongbin has a crush," Wonshik says with a smirk.
Hongbin stares at Taekwoon with helpless wide eyes, and Taekwoon's heart thuds painfully, and then he turns back around in his seat without another word. The conversation in the back row continues, but Taekwoon plugs into his phone and drowns it out with heavy ballads about crying in the rain. When they get back to the dorm that night, Taekwoon pulls Hongbin aside immediately, dragging him into the bathroom and locking the door.
"You need to choose," he says in a low voice. "If this is going to be nothing, you need to end it now."
"What?" Hongbin looks cornered, panicked. "I don't want to end it."
"Then tell me," Taekwoon says a little desperately, "what it means. I can't do this anymore."
"What it means?" Hongbin says. "God, I don't know, hyung - I don't know what it means, I don't know what I'm doing - I thought we were just figuring it out as we went along, I don't know what I'm supposed to do, and I can't talk to anyone about it, so I just - I'm sorry if I messed up - "
"You just," Taekwoon exhales, "you just, you keep acting like you're my boyfriend, but you're not."
"I'm not?" There's hurt in his eyes, and confusion.
"Are you?" Taekwoon says incredulously.
"Can I be?"
There's a long pause. With a worried, half-frown and something like fear in his eyes, beautiful, vain Hongbin has never looked more vulnerable. Taekwoon has to take a second and process what's happening. It almost sounds like Hongbin is asking for something Taekwoon's hoped for from the start, like they're on the same damn page and maybe have been all along.
"Do you want to be?" Taekwoon says, half-whispering.
"Well, yeah," Hongbin says, flushing pink, "I thought you wanted that, too."
"Oh," Taekwoon says stupidly. "Oh. Yeah, I do."
"I'm sorry I suck at this whole," Hongbin gestures vaguely, "this. I was trying really hard to keep it a secret from the others."
"It's okay, I - I'm sorry I'm an idiot," Taekwoon says, and then: "Wait. Am I - the person you have heart eyes for?"
Hongbin rolls his eyes. "Okay, don't get a big head - but yeah." He leans in close, breath washing over Taekwoon's cheek. "I really like you, you know?"
“I like you, too,” Taekwoon murmurs, and then he presses in for a kiss. And it's sweet and familiar, like the countless kisses they've shared before, only this one is better and sweeter by far, because this one's a promise. They kiss there in the bathroom until someone calls their names, and then Hongbin pulls back with a little smile and takes Taekwoon's hand, and together they walk out the door.
notes
written all in a rush after watching like 3 leobin related videos on youtube and remembering how important this pairing is to me; not super edited, v disjointed; concrit more than welcome
also, title from the song let me know, by nlt. even though that song has heavy taekai associations in my head lol
also, re: singapore. it's just a place i know they've performed before. (i think?? if not, that's ok lol) i'll leave the rest up to your imagination~