the almighty key is born
title: the almighty key is born
pairing(s): onkey, minor 2min
rating: R (implied sex)
wordcount: 8240
disclaimer: if I owned shinee, they would not be an ocean away right now.
summary: AU in which Onew is a superstar and Kibum is a backup dancer with major baggage.
a/n: This is like the fanfiction equivalent of a long, rambling ramble. Hence the awkward ending... and it's basically inspired by Jaewon/his hair in 'keep your head down.' Cause it was so damn distracting! And was like, what if an idol fell for their hot backup dancer?!
This takes place about mid-2012.
Jinki is tired of being an idol.
He's tired of nearly everything about his life. He's tired of ducking his head to avoid being recognized by fans, and he's tired of sleeping two and a half hours a night to be able to go over and over his choreo and get his hair done and perform live and appear on variety shows and film CFs and practice some more and every other thing that has to be fit into his schedule. He's tired of being scolded by his dance instructor for missing a step and yelled at by his manager for missing a note. He's tired of having to monitor every single thing he says so his image will remain pristine. He's tired of cameras. Sometimes, he's tired of his adoring fans. He's even tired of his name: Onew.
The one thing he thinks he'll never tire of is singing.
So when his manager says to him as they're driving to the recording studio, "This is a dance routine. You'll be lip-synching," Jinki flat out refuses.
"No," he says, shaking his head. "I don't lip-synch."
"You do now," his manager says. "It's no big deal, the focus isn't on your voice for once. This is a parody, the point is the dance."
"I know what the point is," Jinki snaps, "this isn't my first time doing something like this. But I don't lip-synch. I always sing live."
"I've already asked," his manager says tiredly, running one hand through his hair. "I told them you preferred to sing live. It's the network, not me, okay? Take it up with them if you really have a problem."
"I do," Jinki says. "I think I will."
"Go for it."
" Jinki pulls out his cell phone. "What's the guy's number again?"
...
Half an hour later Jinki's mood has not improved any. The head of the network laughed off his request with a quick, "Don't you worry about a thing. Supposedly there are some excellent backup dancers working with you, so just focus on dancing and we'll make sure you look great." Jinki had responded that this was in no way about his looking great but the other man had already disconnected the call.
So when they get to the recording studio, Jinki slams his car door shut and storms inside without waiting for his manager. When he receives the sheet music for the song he's to record, he skims over it fleetingly, his mind still occupied with the question of how to get the jackass head of the network to let him sing, so he doesn't immediately note that there's another young man in the studio.
"Um," comes a voice, and Jinki raises his head.
"Oh," he says. He raises his eyebrows. He's never seen this man before - is he new to the crew? "Hello."
"Hello." The man smiles, and Jinki notes that his smile is pretty. In fact, this man's whole face is rather pretty. He's got strong cheekbones but pouty, almost feminine lips, and Jinki sees with surprise that his eyes, gazing out from beneath immaculately groomed brows, are actually framed in black eyeliner. This is new to him, this concept of a man wearing eyeliner without any cameras present.
"Are you . . ." Jinki begins, then laughs sheepishly. "Uh, who are you?"
"Kim Kibum," the other man says, laughing as well. "You're Lee Onew."
"Yes," Jinki affirms. "Er, but I was wondering . . . are you, like, new here or something?"
Kibum laughs again. "Oh, I don't work here! I dance."
"You dance," Jinki repeats. "So, why . . .?"
"Why am I here?" Kibum says with a smile. "You know this song?" He holds up another copy of the sheet music in Jinki's hands.
"Yeah." Jinki nods.
"It has two parts, you know."
"Oh. Right." he scratches his head. "So you're going to sing with me?"
Kibum shrugs. "It was going to be someone else, but they dropped out at the last minute. So they called me, asked me if I could sing a small part in a duet."
"And here you are," Jinki finishes, smiling. "Well, it's nice to meet you."
"Likewise," Kibum says. He pushes back an errant strand of hair from his eyes. A thought strikes Jinki.
"You're," he begins, his eyes wide, "you're not, by any chance, an idol, are you?"
"No," Kibum says, a hint of a sneer playing about his lips. "No, I'm not."
"Ah," Jinki says. "Well. Just checking. There are a lot of Kim Kibums in the business, you know."
"I know."
"Ah!" Jinki's manager exclaims, bursting into the room. "You're both here! Ah . . . well, then . . . do a good job! I've got to go run and fill out some paperwork, but I'll be back soon. Kim Kibum, nice to meet you . . ."
"Nice to meet you."
". . . I'm sure we'll see you again very soon. Please sing well, Jinki!"
"Jinki?" Kibum says quizzically.
"My real name," Jinki explains. "Back before I debuted . . . they thought it wasn't good enough, so . . ."
"I see."
"Yeah."
There's a beat of awkward silence before the producer strolls in and asks if they're ready to get to work, and then the three of them are all business for the next hour and a half. Jinki is a little taken aback by Kibum's singing voice - it's rough and almost abrasive, a far cry from Jinki's own smooth voice - but he grows accustomed to it quickly. He thinks it works well for the song they're singing, a pop duet released only half a year ago.
"How did it go?" Jinki's manager asks when he returns. Jinki and Kibum are chatting in the hall, and they smile at him in unison.
"It went well," Jinki says.
"Good. Oh, and I just called the network again. They're being really stubborn about this . . . something about not wanting to create an uneven playing field? It's stupid. I'm willing to bet that someone else's manager called them and requested that you not be allowed to sing live, because they've never been like this before . . . last year, for example, they let you sing." Jinki's manager shakes his head. "I'll keep trying, but words can only get us so far."
"It must be Jonghyun," Jinki muses, grinning. "His voice was horrible last year."
"Kim Jonghyun?" Kibum says suddenly.
"Yeah. It's not like we're rivals or anything - we're actually on really good terms at the moment - but if we're singing in the same performance, he'll do anything to be better."
"And you won't?" his manager interjects with a laugh.
"Well, I'm not the one asking the network to make everyone lip-synch!" Jinki shoots back.
"Whatever," his manager says good-naturedly. "I'm going to go check in with Producer Kim. We'll leave in five."
"You're friends with Kim Jonghyun?" Kibum asks, watching Jinki closely, once the manager is gone. "Even after everything . . .?"
"We're not friends that talk regularly, or go out of their way to meet up or anything," Jinki says. He is very much accustomed to answering questions like this. "We just . . . if we see each other, we say hello warmly, and we'll talk and play and catch up. That kind of thing. It's a friendly relationship."
"That's good, at least," Kibum mumbles. "That's better than nothing."
"Yeah," Jinki says. "It's the same way between all three of us. Although I haven't seen Minho much lately."
"Mm," Kibum hums. "Did you ever think about getting back together with them?"
"Ah," Jinki says with a laugh. "As much as I love them . . . it's not possible."
"But, disregarding whether or not you could actually do it, do you want to?"
Jinki sighs. "Not really. This," he gestures at himself, "is better. Being alone . . . you have more freedom. No one holding you back . . . and it's not like they were holding me back, really, but more like their styles and mine weren't perfectly in harmony, so we had disagreements. And we ended up doing things we didn't like, making music we hated . . . it's definitely better like this."
"So this was your selfish, artistic greed?" Kibum asks. "Rather than your money-making greed?"
"I guess," Jinki says with a shrug. "You could put it like that."
"And the other two? They were the same way?"
"I don't know," Jinki says, suddenly weary. "Why are you asking?"
"Well, everyone's curious about these things," Kibum says. His expression, so eager a moment ago, becomes withdrawn. "I'm just like everyone else on the outside, wondering what's happening in the center."
"It was two years ago," Jinki points out. "We split up two years ago."
"Yes. And still, all anyone can ever find out is what your 'official statement' on the matter says. You've never spoken publicly about your true feelings, have you?"
"Not much, no," Jinki says. "But what is there to say? Our group took its natural course. We weren't going to stay together forever. We were formulaic, we were devised by the company. It was natural for us to fall apart."
"Natural," Kibum murmurs. "Inevitable."
"Um," Jinki says. "Yes."
His manager reappears at that moment, and Jinki has to admit to himself that, interesting as Kim Kibum has been, he's relieved to be getting away now.
"See you around, Onew-shi," Kibum says, waving goodbye.
"Yeah," Jinki says. "See you around."
...
That night, as Jinki is guzzling a protein shake in the van between schedules, he texts Jonghyun.
So apparently we're not allowed to sing live on New Years? Sucks, huh?
He sends it with a chuckle and receives a response just before he starts rehearsing his new choreo.
Yes I'm also disappointed about that T.T such a shame. Anyways. Did you get any girl backup dancers? They wouldn't give me any!! >_<
Jinki doesn't reply until he has a break in his practice, and for the next few days they continue their conversation whenever their busy schedules allow it.
Jonghyunnie~ please be truthful, did you ask the network to make us all lip-synch for the parodies???
Jinki~ am I an evil child? Would I do something like that? kekeke ^^
Do you really want me to answer that?
Don't answer.
You dinosaur, why are you doing this to me??!!
Do you really want me to answer that?
Surprisingly, yes.
Too bad!
You suck.
I know. kekeke
Ah well~ I already have a plan to overcome you.
No you don't. Stop making things up.
I really do!
Don't lie to me. So who are you collaborating with? Anyone interesting?
Kim Kibum? I don't know who he is, really...
SUPER JUNIOR?!?
No. He said he's not an idol, somehow...?
Weird.
Yeah. Okay, I'm about to start learning the choreo~ Maybe I'll have some girl dancers! I'll let you know~
Jinki sends his message with a flourish and tucks his phone into his pocket as he climbs the stairs to the company's practice room. Inside, several guys in sweatpants and T-shirts are ranged against the mirrored wall, talking animatedly amongst themselves. As Jinki opens the door, they all, including the instructor, turn to face him and fall silent.
Jinki bows quickly. "I'm very sorry I'm late. My last schedule ran long . . ."
"It's fine," barks the instructor. "Stretch."
Jinki scans the crowd of dancers. He knows most of them, he realizes - including, of course, Kim Kibum, who flashes him a smile.
"Alright," the instructor says. "As you know, this song is meant to be a duet between a guy and a girl. However, the girl flaked out on us - "
"Who was it?" Jinki asks, braving his instructor's glare.
"Not that you need to know, but it was Jung Jessica." Jinki suppresses a gasp. "So like I said, she's gone, and we tried to find another girl, but a certain someone's manager" - he glares at Jinki again - "kept rejecting all the choices. So we ended up with the girliest guy the agency could send us." A ripple of laughter runs through the dancers, and Kibum crosses his arms. "So, Onew. I hope you don't mind that this has become a fanservice dance - "
"I don't have a choice, do I?"
"No. No, you don't. So, let's go over the steps . . ."
...
By the time Jinki has mastered the basic steps, he's exhausted and the rest of them look like they've barely broken a sweat. On top of that, he's deeply embarrassed. Kibum is a good dancer, and the way he moves his hips is uncannily similar to the original dance. Jinki knows he's supposed to be the focus of the show but he can't help but feel that Kibum is going to end up stealing it.
"Ah," he pants during their water break. "You should have told me how good you were . . . so I'd have known . . . to get in shape for this . . ."
"In five days?" Kibum laughs. "It's okay. You'll be fine."
"But this isn't even something I can sing my way out of!" Jinki complains. "That usually works, you know . . ."
"You'll be fine," Kibum repeats firmly.
"By the way . . ." Jinki says. "You're really good. Did I mention that?"
"Yeah, you did," Kibum says. "And yeah, I know."
"Ooh, modest, too!" Jinki says, rolling his eyes.
At the end of the practice, Jinki's manager pulls him and Kibum aside.
"So, Kibum-shi," the manager says. "This is . . . no one has listened to me when I've said this, but I think that this coud be a good opportunity for you."
Kibum appraises him with a neutral expression. "As a dancer?"
"As an idol," the manager says eagerly. "I listened to the recording. You both sounded excellent . . . there could be potential for future duets, in my opinion. I have yet to sell any of my superiors on this, but I feel confident that people will take an interest in you after the New Year's broadcast." He looks at them both expectantly. "Would you be interested?"
"I don't want to be an idol," Kibum says flatly. "I'm satisfied with dancing."
"But you have the look, and the voice, you'd be perfect! Well," he continues before Kibum can respond, "if you absolutely don't want to, I won't say any more about it. But it's definitely better to be prepared, and so I think you should have a stage name."
"Hm?"
"A stage name. Kim Kibum, there are already too many of those. It's a good name, but taken . . . so we should think of something that goes with your appearance during this upcoming broadcast . . . it's something of a powerful dance, right?"
"It's a song about a man whose existence is dependent on the girl he loves," Jinki says. "He can't do a single thing without her, but with her he's on top of the world."
"And she knows how much power she has over him, and she flaunts it," Kibum says. "And he still can't help but love her."
"The song is called 'Key to my Heart,'" the manager said slowly. "How about Key?"
"Key?" Kibum says, frowning.
"English. You know, the English for 'key.' It's good, right?"
"It's not bad," Jinki says, turning to Kibum.
"I'll think about it," Kibum sniffs.
...
Jinki arrives home to a text from Jonghyun.
Any girl dancers?
He rolls his eyes and decides against replying right away. Instead, he chooses to brush his teeth and fall straight into his bed, curling up under the covers and wondering, as he drifts off to sleep, what will happen if Kibum really does get famous.
The next day Kibum marches up to Jinki's manager before practice and says, "You can tell them to introduce me as Key. But I won't become an idol."
Jinki's manager looks pleased and says he will, and good luck at practice. Jinki watches the interaction curiously.
"Why won't you become an idol?" he asks Kibum later.
"Tried it once. Don't want to try again," Kibum says shortly.
"You did? You were an idol?"
"I never debuted."
"Oh." Jinki frowns. "I'm sorry. Would it be rude of me to ask what happened?"
"Yes."
"Okay."
And they don't discuss the subject again.
...
Do you know anyone who's not an idol right now named Kim Kibum? Someone who was supposed to debut but never did?
Jinki sends the text after giving the matter some thought. He doesn't want to ask his manager about Kibum's past, and he doesn't think any of his other idol friends will know anything about it. But Jonghyun has always had a nose for things like this, so if Jinki wants answers (and he does), then Jonghyun is the person to ask.
However, no reply comes.
Jinki waits patiently for days, checking his phone often throughout his increasingly busy schedule, but Jonghyun appears to be ignoring him.
It doesn't matter, he tells himself. I'll see him for New Year's, and he'll have to tell me then.
...
"Um," Jinki says, eyeing Kibum's pants. "Aren't those a little tight?"
"They are killing me," Kibum snaps. "I cannot move. At all! But whatever, they go with the outfit."
"If you say so," Jinki mutters. They're backstage, with stylists fluttering around them for final touch-ups on hair and makeup. Jinki is wearing a baggy black-and-white striped body suit and a matching hat; his concept is 'prisoner.' Kibum's concept is 'sexy jailer.' He's got a police cap perched atop his flawless, sideswept hair, a black collar around his neck and black leather gloves on his hands. Barely covering his torso is a tight, navy blue vest buttoned halfway down his chest to give the world a good view of his milky white skin. His shiny black pants ride low on his hips, flashing even more skin, and are so tight Jinki thinks 'leggings' might be a more appropriate term to describe them.
"You should have seen what they wanted me to wear, though," Kibum laughs. "Shorts. Tight, booty shorts, and thigh-high boots. I mean this shirt is bad enough, but I draw the line at booty shorts. It's like I had to remind them that I'm not actually Jessica!"
"Oh, yeah," Jinki says absently. "She was supposed to do this, wasn't she?"
"Yeah," Kibum says.
"Alright, alright," one of the stylists says. "They're calling you now. Better get to the waiting room."
"Right," Jinki says, and the two of them set off.
"So," Kibum says as they walk briskly through the halls. "Have you seen Minho-shi tonight?"
"No, I haven't. Did you see him?"
"Yeah. He's doing a reenactment of a dancing scene from his drama, apparently."
"Oh. I haven't heard about that, somehow . . ."
"Mm. Seen Kim Jonghyun?"
"No," Jinki says, frowning, "and actually I've been meaning to look for him. I still think he's behind this whole lip-synching thing."
"Probably," Kibum agrees, though it looks like he's hiding a smile. "Ah, well. Too late to do anything about it now."
...
As the harsh spotlight falls on Jinki and the opening bars of the song begin to sound, deafening cheers erupt from the audience. Jinki can't help but chuckle a little at that, and when he does, he's shocked to hear the sound magnified by the huge amplifiers. The mic taped to his ear is supposed to be off - he's supposed to be lip-synching!
Clearly, this is Jonghyun's idea of a joke.
Jinki panics a little at the thought of singing without any preparation, but in a moment it doesn't matter because he's doing it anyway. He can't even hear the recording of his voice on the track that's playing; he doesn't want to think about what would have happened had he not realized his mic was on.
Their arrangement of the song is only two and a half minutes long. For some reason, Jinki finds it very easy to look lovestruck as Kibum sings and struts his way towards him. Maybe it's because of how intimidating those pants are, or maybe it's because of the confident smirk on Kibum's face; either way, Jinki doesn't have to force the awe expressed in the song lyrics.
When it's done, and they've hit the final pose, and the audience is screaming for them, and the lights go down and they hurry backstage, Kibum high fives Jinki with a broad grin on his face. Jinki thanks and congratulates all the other dancers, and then Jonghyun is standing in front of him.
"Kim Jonghyun," he gasps, his eyes going wide, "I'm going to kill you!"
"Oh, you love me," Jongyun scoffs, and Jinki wonders how long it's been since he last heard that voice. "Say thank you. I got them to let you sing live, didn't I? And do you know how much effort that took? It took a personal phone call to the head of the network - "
"I tried that, too!"
" - and calling in a huge favor he owed me. So you should just be grateful."
Jinki rolls his eyes.
"But it's not like I came back here to talk to you," Jonghyun continues, and Jinki sputters indignantly. "Kibum-ah!"
Kibum, who's been watching from the sidelines with a distant expression on his face, crosses his arms.
"Yeah?"
"Kibummie!" Jonghyun strides forward, beaming, holding his arms open. "It's been so long!"
Kibum just stares at him. Jonghyun tries to wrap his arms around the other man, but Kibum shoves him away.
"Don't touch me," he spits.
"Er," Jinki says, because he has no idea what's going on. "Do you know each other?"
"Of course," Jonghyun says. "Kibum-ah, don't you remember me?"
"Remember you?" Kibum hisses, and Jonghyun steps back a little, intimidated. "Do I remember you? Are you stupid? How can you even ask me that, if I remember you? It's you who forgot me!"
"I didn't - "
"Shut your mouth," Kibum snarls. "I don't even want to hear you speak! I don't want to hear anything you have to say. Just - leave. Go. Now." He waves his hand dismissively.
Jonghyun scowls. "Well, aren't you bitter," he says. "Here I am, trying to have a civil conversation - "
"Yeah, after six years! It's been that long, it's been six years. And now, suddenly, once I've finally sung onstage, now you want to talk to me! I don't think so." Kibum grabs Jinki's arm. "Let's go."
He drags a confused Jinki through the crowd of gaping backup dancers to their empty dressing room, slamming the door behind him. Jinki stares; he hasn't seen Kibum this emotional before, ever. Granted, he's only known him a few weeks, but nonetheless. He's breathing hard, and color is visible on his cheeks even through the heavy stage makeup.
"Are you going to explain what just happened?" Jinki says slowly. "Because I really don't understand."
"He's a traitor," Kibum says hotly. "He was supposed to debut with me. Me and Taeminnie. We were going to debut six years ago, and we - the three of us - we worked so hard. We became really close, me and him, though. We were like best friends."
"But then," Jinki interrupts, "why wouldn't he answer me when I asked who you were? I texted him, asking if he knew a Kim Kibum, and he never replied - "
"Because he was ashamed of me!" Kibum exclaims. "While we were trainees, while we had a bright future ahead of us, he was nice and fine and great to be with. But as soon as that thing happened - "
"What thing?"
Kibum sighs. "Our manager committed suicide. He left behind a note saying that it was just too hard for him to deal with such a life, and that killing himself was the only escape. And this was right at a time when Taemin and I were struggling a little bit with our training - so naturally, Jonghyun blamed it on us. It was like he'd forgotten the past year and a half, like he'd forgotten how close we were. And the company sided with him. We got thrown out like trash, and he was placed in another, better three-member group."
"With me and Minho," Jinki whispers.
"Yeah." Kibum laughs bitterly. "Thus, Shinee was born."
"But - "Jinki begins, struggling for words, "but - he never mentioned anything like that. He never mentioned - "
"Because he can only stand to be associated with the best," Kibum says. "As soon as he decided Taemin and I weren't good enough for him, it was like we didn't even exist. I tried calling him, and texting him. I even saw him backstage once, when I was dancing for another group. You - Shinee - had gone before us, and I tried to say hi, but he didn't even look at me. He just kept walking."
Jinki doesn't know what to say. He can't say he's entirely surprised at this side of Jonghyun, but it's still appalling.
"So that was when I told myself that I wasn't even going to try anymore," Kibum continues. "I decided to just dance and stay far away from being the center of attention."
For some reason, Jinki finds this difficult to comprehend. "Kibum," he says in a low voice, "I'm pretty sure you were born to be in the spotlight. Why would you let Jonghyun keep you from doing that?"
"It's not easy to be betrayed like that," Kibum says softly. "Just thinking about entering this cutthroat world you live in, just thinking about trying to compete - I can't. I won't."
...
Later, once they've both changed, Kibum introduces Jinki to Taemin.
"Onew-shi, meet Lee Taemin," he says, gesturing to a boy with a fluffy bowl cut of dyed auburn hair.
"The one who - ?" Jinki whispers.
"Yes, the one who was with me and Jonghyun." Kibum pats Taemin on the shoulder.
"Ah."
"Taeminnie," Kibum says. "This is - "
"I know, I know, it's Lee Onew," Taemin says brightly. "Nice to meet you!"
"Nice to meet you," Jinki murmurs. He's struck by how very young Taemin is - he can't be that much older than twenty. "I saw your performance with Choi Minho earlier - it was really good."
"Oh, thank you," Taemin sighs. "It wasn't that good. I'm a little disappointed. In the actual drama, it was much better."
"I haven't watched it," Jinki admits. "I've been meaning to, though. I told Minho I would."
"That's right, you two are friends," Taemin says, smiling. "He's mentioned you a couple times."
"Are you close with him?" Jinki asks curiously.
Taemin smiles. "We see each other a lot on the set. Basically all of my scenes are with him. Sometimes we eat lunch together."
"Oh," Jinki says. "Where is he tonight, though? I haven't seen him."
"I'm not sure," Taemin murmurs. "I think I saw him talking to Jonghyun." He glances at Kibum as he says the name. "So I didn't want to intrude."
"Good," Kibum growls.
Jinki doesn't miss the look Taemin shoots Kibum. It's a look that seems to encompass a years-old argument, and Jinki doesn't miss the stubborn look that Kibum shoots right back.
"Uh," he starts to say, but then his manager is hurrying toward him, a frantic look on his face.
"Jinki-ah - !" he begins, but then he's passed by a sprinting cameraman.
"Onew-shi," the man says, aiming his lens at Jinki all the while, "please come with me. There's been a request for a special MC stage by you."
"Uh," Jinki says. "Are you filming live?"
The man nods.
"Okay, then. I guess." He walks back down the hall, waving to Kibum and Taemin. "I'll come back," he calls to them. The camera is still on him, and he knows that footage of him walking is not the most interesting thing for an audience to put up with, so he fiddles with his hair and starts talking to himself. "I wonder what this is about . . . ah, I don't have my jacket on yet, the coordi nunas will be upset with me . . . Sorry." He bows a little to the camera. "Um, I'll put it on later, I'll come back. Sorry."
Finally he reaches the stage, and he nearly trips going up the stairs. The audience cheers loudly.
"Huh?" he exclaims. Jonghyun and Minho are waiting for him on the stage.
"Onew-ah," Jonghyun says warmly. "I enjoyed your stage with Key earlier."
"Thanks," he murmurs, and then someone taps him on the back and thrusts a microphone into his hands. "Thanks," he repeats into the mic. There are more cheers.
"I did, too," Minho adds in his deep voice.
"Ah, thanks," Jinki says.
"So," Jonghyun says. "It's been a long time since the three of us stood on a stage together like this."
The other two nod, and Jinki is beginning to have an inkling of why he's up here.
"Shinee is over," Jonghyun continues, and boos and screams issue loudly from the audience. "Shinee is done. But even so . . . I miss you two. We are all friends, right? And we are all performers?"
The audience screams louder, though Jinki didn't think it was possible.
"It's not like I want to get our fans' hopes up, so I'll just say it right now: Shinee is not getting back together," Jonghyun says frankly. "But that's not to stop us from singing just one song together, is it? Should we sing?"
Minho is nodding and smiling, so Jinki nods and smiles, too.
"Let's sing," he says, and the audience goes wild.
The opening bars of their debut song sound. Jonghyun signals for them to get into their dance positions, and Jinki shakes his head wildly.
"I can't do the dance," he says, holding the mic away from his face. "No, I really can't!"
"Just do it," Jonghyun insists.
Then - this is just surreal - they're singing, the three of them, to the chorus. Jonghyun's voice is the strongest, as he's clearly prepared for this, but as the song progresses Jinki and Minho warm up as well. Jinki finds that the dance moves are coming back to him, too; not once does he lose his place. As the song wears on, he finds himself glancing over at Jonghyun and Minho and grinning, because isn't this why he auditioned all those years ago? This is it, this is the joy of performing, and the satisfaction of teamwork. By the end of the song, when they bow, breathing heavily and perspiring a little, Jinki is overcome with a wave of nostalgia. Why couldn't things stay like this?
"Thank you," Jonghyun is saying to the crowd. "Thank you."
"I love you all," Minho adds.
Jinki raises the mic to his lips and then lowers it, laughing.
"Say something," Jonghyun says, nudging him.
"I can't - there's nothing to say."
"Just say something!"
"Thank you so much, everyone," Jinki manages. "Ah, this surprised me. Thank you for putting up with such a sloppy performance."
Minho nods. "Thank you."
"Everyone, even though we know you are sad that Shinee is finished," Jonghyun says, "please be happy that we can at least sing this one song for you. Thank you all!"
They file off the stage.
...
"That was fun," Jinki says when they've all arrived back to his dressing room. "Minho-yah, it's been too long!"
"It has," Minho agrees, enveloping Jinki in a tight hug. "How busy are you lately? We could meet for lunch . . ."
"Jinki-yah," Jonghyun says. "Thanks for going along with that. I was afraid you wouldn't."
"Oh," Jinki says, a little startled. "Sure. I mean, how could I not?"
"Mm," Jonghyun says, "and also . . . about earlier . . ."
"You mean, about Kibum?"
"Yeah . . ."
"What about him?"
"Where is he?"
"I don't know. I was talking to him and Taemin - "
"Right, right, I saw," Jonghyun says distractedly. "It's just - I really want to talk to him. That - earlier - that bothered me. Maybe you could give me his phone number?"
"I don't know," Jinki says slowly. Minho holds up his hands and looks back and forth between them.
"Wait a second," he says. "Who's Kibum?"
Then Jonghyun and Jinki have to explain the whole thing from the start, and when they're done, Minho is frowning and looking skeptical.
"You're an ass," he says first to Jonghyun, who looks distraught. "I was going to ask why Taemin never mentioned this to me, but it sounds like you're just a huge ass."
"Yeah," Jinki says.
"It's not like everything is my fault!" Jonghyun says angrily. "I didn't single-handedly ruin their careers! It's not like I went out of my way to harm them!"
"That's not what Kibum said," Jinki says with a frown.
"But it's not like you went out of your way to help them," Minho adds. "Look, I don't think the three of us should argue about this right now. It doesn't affect us, Jinki-ah. I'm going to go find Taemin, though."
As it turns out, there's no need for that, because Kibum and Taemin enter the dressing room shortly.
"Um," Taemin says when he sees the three of them standing there. "You guys sounded really good."
"Thanks," Jinki says.
Then the five of them are just standing there awkwardly. Jinki wishes he knew what to say, but he doesn't know where to start. There's so much waiting to be said in this room - in the five of them there are two dead idol groups, two crushed dreams, three superstars and two unknowns. Jinki could probably go on for hours about the issues just concerning Shinee, but now on top of that there's Jonghyun's whole dramatic past to be dealt with.
Taemin is the one who finally breaks the silence. "Hyung," he says, walking over to Jonghyun. "I know Kibum is still mad at you, but I'm not. It was six years ago. We've all moved on . . . you even moved on from what you moved on from us for. So, I know I said some horrible things to you back then, but I'm sorry for that. And it won't happen again."
"Oh, God, Taeminnie," Jonghyun says, his voice quivering. He covers his face and begins to cry. "I'm so sorry. I - everything I did - I'm so sorry. I ruined everything. And I selfishly moved on for myself, and forgot about you two . . . and I'm sorry."
"I forgive you," Taemin says. "It wasn't the end of the world. Although, it definitely seemed like it at the time."
They let Jonghyun sob quietly for a while, and then Kibum speaks.
"If Taemin will forgive you, I will as well," he says, his voice cold. "But I won't be your friend." His eyes are hard. "There's no way I'll be your friend after everything you've made me suffer."
"Kibum-ah," Jonghyun says earnestly, wiping his eyes. "Can't you at least give me a chance? We were friends, we were best friends - "
"Starting now," Kibum says, "we're strangers. I don't know any Kim Jonghyun."
Jinki and Minho watch, stunned, as Kibum whirls around and strides out of the room. Taemin just shakes his head sadly, and Jonghyun goes to collapse in one of the chairs. For a minute none of them speak, and only Jonghyun's intermittent sniffles break the silence.
"I should go talk to him," Jinki says at last, his voice heavy.
"There's no time," Taemin tells him. "The final stage is in ten minutes. We should be getting ready."
"Oh yeah . . ." Jinki says. "Well, I'll find him onstage then."
Jonghyun stands and opens his mouth to speak, but Jinki interrupts him.
"And you," he says firmly, "are not coming with me."
...
Jinki doesn't get a chance to track down Kibum until well after the show is over, and by that time he knows his manager is going to be ready to chew him out for having sung with Jonghyun and Minho, so he doesn't mind the excuse to delay his departure. As he combs the building for Kibum, he comes across the rest of his backup dancers, who are about to go out for drinks.
"Is Kibum with you?" he asks, and they shake their heads.
"He was going to come, but I haven't seen him," one of them says, and Jinki thanks them and moves on.
After a few more minutes of roaming the halls, Jinki begins to ask himself why he's even bothering. He could be out drinking right now, or partying. He could be catching up with Minho and Jonghyun. He could be doing any number of things, but instead he's trying to find this obstinate man named Kim Kibum, and he can't for the life of him figure out why.
Finally he gives up. His phone buzzes, and his manager's name comes up on caller ID.
"I'm coming," he says into the phone. "I'll be outside in a second." He hangs up, not bothering to listen to the older man's response.
Jinki makes his way to the entryway of the building, where people are still milling around. He sees his manager, tapping his foot and looking impatient, but he also sees a solitary figure leaning against a wall and looking lonely. He veers from his course and walks over to Kibum, who glances up at his arrival.
"Hey," Kibum says.
"Hey."
They regard each other for a moment, and Jinki decides that he likes Kibum better without makeup than with.
"I have to go now," Jinki says, "but give me your phone number."
"Why?"
"So I can call you, why else?"
"But I mean . . . why?"
"Don't friends exchange phone numbers? Come on, give me yours and I'll give you mine." Jinki smiles, though it doesn't come out as wide or as sincere as he would have liked.
Kibum sighs. "Here, give me your phone. I'll put it in."
Jinki smiles for real now. "I'll call you," he promises. "And we can talk."
"What's there to talk about?" Kibum grumbles.
"Life," Jinki says solemnly. Then he winks and dashes off to his manager, leaving Kibum to shake his head and hide his grin.
...
The next week is a busy one for Jinki, and so is the one after that. Still, he finds time every day to at least text Kibum once, if not call him. He continues to be unsure of why he's reaching out like this, but it's too late to reconsider now. Kibum is slowly but surely opening up to him, and by the fourth week in January, they're able to meet for lunch. Kibum ends up inviting Taemin, who invites Minho, and so the four of them go to a cafe near the location of Minho's drama.
"How's filming?" is the first thing Jinki asks, partially because he's curious and partially because it's a safe, impersonal thing to say.
"It's good," Minho says. "Definitely easier now that most of the dancing scenes are out of the way."
"I still haven't watched any of it," Jinki says, "why do you have to dance?"
"Because it's what I do," Taemin says with a smile, "I dance."
Jinki glances at Kibum, who shrugs.
"So, Jinki-ah," Minho says, "how much trouble did we get you in? For singing, I mean."
"Oh," Jinki says cheerfully, "it was pretty bad. I got yelled at a lot. Then we pulled out my contract out and went over it for a while, but in the end they couldn't do anything but yell at me a little more because there was nothing in the contract saying I couldn't perform with you."
"Sorry," Minho says. "It was Jonghyun's idea."
"I figured."
"It was fun, though, right?"
"Yeah. I don't know why they were mad, it probably helped my album sales."
"It probably helped Jonghyun's album sales, too, though."
"Oh, right. And he's about to release a new single, isn't he? Ah, the little bastard," Jinki chuckles.
"Let's stop talking about him, shall we?" Kibum interrupts smoothly, clapping his hands. "Great. So, anyone want to go shopping?"
Taemin frowns. "Kibum-ah," he says. "You should talk to hyung. You should get things straight."
"There's nothing to get straight," Kibum says coldly, and Taemin just sighs.
...
"I mean," Jinki says to Kibum over the phone that night, "what harm would it do to be nice to him?"
"I just can't," Kibum says, and Jinki can practically hear his scowl. "You don't get it."
"I guess I don't. Would you mind explaining, then?"
Kibum sighs, and Jinki waits.
"I really prized his friendship," Kibum exhales at last. "He meant a lot to me. He meant the world to me. And just, all of a sudden, it was like we were never even friends. He totally shut me out, no matter how much I tried to talk to him and call him, and . . . I guess I'm just trying to give him a taste of his own medicine."
"But how does that help anything?" Jinki asks.
"It . . . well, it's not supposed to be helping . . ."
"But you still want to be friends with him, right?"
"I don't - "
"You miss him, don't you?"
"Miss him - ?"
"You know, Kibum, sometimes you just have to take the high road. Otherwise, everything will just fall apart completely, and, well, you wouldn't want that, right?"
"It's already fallen apart, Jinki," Kibum says flatly. "Everything's already fucked up."
"So put it back together again," Jinki says, as though it's the easiest thing in the world.
"It's not - I can't - "
"I'll help you."
...
Jinki ends up taking Kibum by taxi to Jonghyun's apartment. It's late, but adrenaline's pumping through his veins and sweeping away his exhaustion. He pays the driver and walks with Kibum to the front door.
"Shit," Kibum says, his hand on the door handle. "I don't think I can do this."
"Why not?" Jinki says, pushing the door open. "It'll be easy. Do you want me to come in with you?"
"I don't know what to say!" Kibum exclaims. Jinki pulls him across the lobby to the elevator. "I really just - what should I say?"
"Hmm," Jinki murmurs. He presses the elevator button and pats Kibum on the shoulder. "Say you want to be friends again."
"But," Kibum sighs, "I don't know how."
"It's easy. Just say, 'Kim Jonghyun, I want to be friends with you again,' and then - "
"No! I mean, I don't know how to be friends with him again."
"Oh. Well, how were you friends with him before?"
"What? I don't know, I just was. We were best friends."
"So just be his friend now. I really don't get what's so difficult about that."
"It's not as easy as you think, okay!" Kibum says. "I mean - God - maybe you should come in with me, I'm just - "
"Calm down," Jinki advises. "Just - calm."
"I'm calm," Kibum snaps. "Ugh. Okay. Fuck it, I'm just going to go in there, and just - just talk to him. "
"That's right," Jinki says encouragingly. They've arrived at Jonghyun's floor. "Go on! I'll wait in the lobby."
Kibum takes a deep breath and strides out of the elevator. Then, as the doors are beginning to close, he darts back in and seizes Jinki's arm.
"Hey," Jinki protests. Kibum drags him out of the elevator.
"Just come with me to his door. Just - I don't know the apartment number."
The walk down the hallway is silent, and Jinki peeks over at Kibum. His face is pale, his eyebrows are drawn; Jinki thinks he looks like a nervous young man about to go on his first date, and for some reason this idea displeases him.
"Relax," Jinki says, but Kibum's shoulders remain tensed. They arrive at Jonghyun's door, and Jinki raises his fist to knock.
"Don't," Kibum says. "I'll do it. You should go."
"Okay," Jinki says with a small smile. "Good luck."
He starts back down the hallway and hears Kibum knock three times. When he's nearly at the elevator, he hears another three knocks. He pauses, looking back over his shoulder. Each door is recessed a little from the hallway, so Jinki can't see Kibum, but soon he hears three more knocks, and then another three. Then there's a curse, a barrage of pounding, and Kibum comes storming out into the hallway.
"He's not home!" he exclaims.
"Oh," Jinki says. He jams his hands into his pockets as he makes his way slowly back to Jonghyun's door. "I guess we should have called ahead."
"Yeah, you think?" Kibum says sarcastically. "No, you know what, this was stupid. Let's just leave."
"He'll come at some point," Jinki protests. "You might as well wait for him."
"Why bother?" Kibum mutters, but Jinki hurries forward and takes his arm.
"Don't go yet!" Jinki says earnestly. "You'll regret it, I swear."
The elevator dings.
"Oh! Look, that's probably him!" Jinki says, pointing.
The doors slide open, and Jonghyun is indeed inside the elevator - but he's not alone. He's got some girl pressed up against the back wall, and she's got one leg wrapped around his waist, and Jinki's mouth drops open and his cheeks flush and Kibum looks horrified, and as Jonghyun begins to shuffle out of the elevator, still kissing the girl, Jinki and Kibum as one lunge out of sight into the doorway across from Jonghyun's. Kibum shoves Jinki hard into the door, his fingers clenched and white in the fabric of Jinki's jacket.
"Don't make a sound," he warns in a hiss. "Not a sound."
Jinki nods breathlessly, his heart pounding beneath Kibum's thin fingers. He keeps his own hands balled at his sides awkwardly, and Kibum nestles close into his chest as Jonghyun and the girl draw nearer. They're giggling, as they skip down the hall, and Jinki imagines them to be holding hands. He can't see the expression on Kibum's face, but he can smell his shampoo and he can feel the short little huffs of his breath against his neck, and very suddenly Jinki doesn't care that Jonghyun is in the hallway not ten feet away from them.
He has to have Kibum.
This is ridiculous because Kibum's a man and he is a man and men don't love each other, not like this, but suddenly he loves Kibum like he's never loved anyone before. He loves the way he smells and the way he feels and he really, really wants to kiss him. He tips his head downward, angles it just right, but Kibum is still concentrating on the Jonghyun problem; his eyes are narrowed, his breathing shallow, and he's glaring back at the hall, his palms sweaty and anxious. So Jinki waits until he hears the jingle of keys and the click of the door before cupping Kibum's chin in his hands and pressing their mouths together, kissing him sweetly and messily and determinedly until Kibum pulls away, gasping for breath.
"Jinki-yah!" he exclaims, his voice low. "What the hell are you doing!"
"I'm kissing you," Jinki explains.
"No, you most certainly are not," Kibum snaps. He crosses his arms looking scandalized. "I mean, really, in public? Are you as bad as Jonghyun?"
"Then," Jinki says hopefully, "will you let me kiss you if I take you back to my place?"
Kibum backs out into the hallway and smirks. "I'll let you do more," he promises in a low voice, and Jinki's stomach does somersaults. "Now let's get the hell out of here."
...
"We have to go back there, you know," Jinki says later, when he and Kibum are lying together in the quiet of his bedroom. "Eventually. Don't think I'm letting you get off that easy."
"Go back to Jonghyun?" Kibum asks, running a hand lazily down Jinki's chest. "I don't want to."
"I want you to," Jinki says firmly.
"Hey," Kibum says suddenly. "I just thought of something."
"Don't try to distract me, because I won't - "
"Shut up and listen, this is important," Kibum insists. He scoots closer to Jinki and wraps his arm around the older man's neck. "I really like you, okay?"
"Um," Jinki says, flustered. "Okay."
"I'm serious," Kibum continues. "I really like you and if you make this a one night stand I'm never talking to you again. So let's make a deal. I'll become friends with Jonghyun again if you'll become my boyfriend. How's that?"
Jinki stares. "Did you think I'd sleep with you and then not become your boyfriend? Is that the kind of person you think I am?"
"Of course not," Kibum scoffs. "You're a good person. Why do you think I like you? But it's better to spell things out, I think. It's safer."
"Oh," Jinki says. "That's fine."
"We can see Jonghyun tomorrow, if you want."
"Sure," Jinki says. "And by the way, Kibummie."
"Hm?"
"I really like you, too."
pairing(s): onkey, minor 2min
rating: R (implied sex)
wordcount: 8240
disclaimer: if I owned shinee, they would not be an ocean away right now.
summary: AU in which Onew is a superstar and Kibum is a backup dancer with major baggage.
a/n: This is like the fanfiction equivalent of a long, rambling ramble. Hence the awkward ending... and it's basically inspired by Jaewon/his hair in 'keep your head down.' Cause it was so damn distracting! And was like, what if an idol fell for their hot backup dancer?!
This takes place about mid-2012.
Jinki is tired of being an idol.
He's tired of nearly everything about his life. He's tired of ducking his head to avoid being recognized by fans, and he's tired of sleeping two and a half hours a night to be able to go over and over his choreo and get his hair done and perform live and appear on variety shows and film CFs and practice some more and every other thing that has to be fit into his schedule. He's tired of being scolded by his dance instructor for missing a step and yelled at by his manager for missing a note. He's tired of having to monitor every single thing he says so his image will remain pristine. He's tired of cameras. Sometimes, he's tired of his adoring fans. He's even tired of his name: Onew.
The one thing he thinks he'll never tire of is singing.
So when his manager says to him as they're driving to the recording studio, "This is a dance routine. You'll be lip-synching," Jinki flat out refuses.
"No," he says, shaking his head. "I don't lip-synch."
"You do now," his manager says. "It's no big deal, the focus isn't on your voice for once. This is a parody, the point is the dance."
"I know what the point is," Jinki snaps, "this isn't my first time doing something like this. But I don't lip-synch. I always sing live."
"I've already asked," his manager says tiredly, running one hand through his hair. "I told them you preferred to sing live. It's the network, not me, okay? Take it up with them if you really have a problem."
"I do," Jinki says. "I think I will."
"Go for it."
" Jinki pulls out his cell phone. "What's the guy's number again?"
...
Half an hour later Jinki's mood has not improved any. The head of the network laughed off his request with a quick, "Don't you worry about a thing. Supposedly there are some excellent backup dancers working with you, so just focus on dancing and we'll make sure you look great." Jinki had responded that this was in no way about his looking great but the other man had already disconnected the call.
So when they get to the recording studio, Jinki slams his car door shut and storms inside without waiting for his manager. When he receives the sheet music for the song he's to record, he skims over it fleetingly, his mind still occupied with the question of how to get the jackass head of the network to let him sing, so he doesn't immediately note that there's another young man in the studio.
"Um," comes a voice, and Jinki raises his head.
"Oh," he says. He raises his eyebrows. He's never seen this man before - is he new to the crew? "Hello."
"Hello." The man smiles, and Jinki notes that his smile is pretty. In fact, this man's whole face is rather pretty. He's got strong cheekbones but pouty, almost feminine lips, and Jinki sees with surprise that his eyes, gazing out from beneath immaculately groomed brows, are actually framed in black eyeliner. This is new to him, this concept of a man wearing eyeliner without any cameras present.
"Are you . . ." Jinki begins, then laughs sheepishly. "Uh, who are you?"
"Kim Kibum," the other man says, laughing as well. "You're Lee Onew."
"Yes," Jinki affirms. "Er, but I was wondering . . . are you, like, new here or something?"
Kibum laughs again. "Oh, I don't work here! I dance."
"You dance," Jinki repeats. "So, why . . .?"
"Why am I here?" Kibum says with a smile. "You know this song?" He holds up another copy of the sheet music in Jinki's hands.
"Yeah." Jinki nods.
"It has two parts, you know."
"Oh. Right." he scratches his head. "So you're going to sing with me?"
Kibum shrugs. "It was going to be someone else, but they dropped out at the last minute. So they called me, asked me if I could sing a small part in a duet."
"And here you are," Jinki finishes, smiling. "Well, it's nice to meet you."
"Likewise," Kibum says. He pushes back an errant strand of hair from his eyes. A thought strikes Jinki.
"You're," he begins, his eyes wide, "you're not, by any chance, an idol, are you?"
"No," Kibum says, a hint of a sneer playing about his lips. "No, I'm not."
"Ah," Jinki says. "Well. Just checking. There are a lot of Kim Kibums in the business, you know."
"I know."
"Ah!" Jinki's manager exclaims, bursting into the room. "You're both here! Ah . . . well, then . . . do a good job! I've got to go run and fill out some paperwork, but I'll be back soon. Kim Kibum, nice to meet you . . ."
"Nice to meet you."
". . . I'm sure we'll see you again very soon. Please sing well, Jinki!"
"Jinki?" Kibum says quizzically.
"My real name," Jinki explains. "Back before I debuted . . . they thought it wasn't good enough, so . . ."
"I see."
"Yeah."
There's a beat of awkward silence before the producer strolls in and asks if they're ready to get to work, and then the three of them are all business for the next hour and a half. Jinki is a little taken aback by Kibum's singing voice - it's rough and almost abrasive, a far cry from Jinki's own smooth voice - but he grows accustomed to it quickly. He thinks it works well for the song they're singing, a pop duet released only half a year ago.
"How did it go?" Jinki's manager asks when he returns. Jinki and Kibum are chatting in the hall, and they smile at him in unison.
"It went well," Jinki says.
"Good. Oh, and I just called the network again. They're being really stubborn about this . . . something about not wanting to create an uneven playing field? It's stupid. I'm willing to bet that someone else's manager called them and requested that you not be allowed to sing live, because they've never been like this before . . . last year, for example, they let you sing." Jinki's manager shakes his head. "I'll keep trying, but words can only get us so far."
"It must be Jonghyun," Jinki muses, grinning. "His voice was horrible last year."
"Kim Jonghyun?" Kibum says suddenly.
"Yeah. It's not like we're rivals or anything - we're actually on really good terms at the moment - but if we're singing in the same performance, he'll do anything to be better."
"And you won't?" his manager interjects with a laugh.
"Well, I'm not the one asking the network to make everyone lip-synch!" Jinki shoots back.
"Whatever," his manager says good-naturedly. "I'm going to go check in with Producer Kim. We'll leave in five."
"You're friends with Kim Jonghyun?" Kibum asks, watching Jinki closely, once the manager is gone. "Even after everything . . .?"
"We're not friends that talk regularly, or go out of their way to meet up or anything," Jinki says. He is very much accustomed to answering questions like this. "We just . . . if we see each other, we say hello warmly, and we'll talk and play and catch up. That kind of thing. It's a friendly relationship."
"That's good, at least," Kibum mumbles. "That's better than nothing."
"Yeah," Jinki says. "It's the same way between all three of us. Although I haven't seen Minho much lately."
"Mm," Kibum hums. "Did you ever think about getting back together with them?"
"Ah," Jinki says with a laugh. "As much as I love them . . . it's not possible."
"But, disregarding whether or not you could actually do it, do you want to?"
Jinki sighs. "Not really. This," he gestures at himself, "is better. Being alone . . . you have more freedom. No one holding you back . . . and it's not like they were holding me back, really, but more like their styles and mine weren't perfectly in harmony, so we had disagreements. And we ended up doing things we didn't like, making music we hated . . . it's definitely better like this."
"So this was your selfish, artistic greed?" Kibum asks. "Rather than your money-making greed?"
"I guess," Jinki says with a shrug. "You could put it like that."
"And the other two? They were the same way?"
"I don't know," Jinki says, suddenly weary. "Why are you asking?"
"Well, everyone's curious about these things," Kibum says. His expression, so eager a moment ago, becomes withdrawn. "I'm just like everyone else on the outside, wondering what's happening in the center."
"It was two years ago," Jinki points out. "We split up two years ago."
"Yes. And still, all anyone can ever find out is what your 'official statement' on the matter says. You've never spoken publicly about your true feelings, have you?"
"Not much, no," Jinki says. "But what is there to say? Our group took its natural course. We weren't going to stay together forever. We were formulaic, we were devised by the company. It was natural for us to fall apart."
"Natural," Kibum murmurs. "Inevitable."
"Um," Jinki says. "Yes."
His manager reappears at that moment, and Jinki has to admit to himself that, interesting as Kim Kibum has been, he's relieved to be getting away now.
"See you around, Onew-shi," Kibum says, waving goodbye.
"Yeah," Jinki says. "See you around."
...
That night, as Jinki is guzzling a protein shake in the van between schedules, he texts Jonghyun.
So apparently we're not allowed to sing live on New Years? Sucks, huh?
He sends it with a chuckle and receives a response just before he starts rehearsing his new choreo.
Yes I'm also disappointed about that T.T such a shame. Anyways. Did you get any girl backup dancers? They wouldn't give me any!! >_<
Jinki doesn't reply until he has a break in his practice, and for the next few days they continue their conversation whenever their busy schedules allow it.
Jonghyunnie~ please be truthful, did you ask the network to make us all lip-synch for the parodies???
Jinki~ am I an evil child? Would I do something like that? kekeke ^^
Do you really want me to answer that?
Don't answer.
You dinosaur, why are you doing this to me??!!
Do you really want me to answer that?
Surprisingly, yes.
Too bad!
You suck.
I know. kekeke
Ah well~ I already have a plan to overcome you.
No you don't. Stop making things up.
I really do!
Don't lie to me. So who are you collaborating with? Anyone interesting?
Kim Kibum? I don't know who he is, really...
SUPER JUNIOR?!?
No. He said he's not an idol, somehow...?
Weird.
Yeah. Okay, I'm about to start learning the choreo~ Maybe I'll have some girl dancers! I'll let you know~
Jinki sends his message with a flourish and tucks his phone into his pocket as he climbs the stairs to the company's practice room. Inside, several guys in sweatpants and T-shirts are ranged against the mirrored wall, talking animatedly amongst themselves. As Jinki opens the door, they all, including the instructor, turn to face him and fall silent.
Jinki bows quickly. "I'm very sorry I'm late. My last schedule ran long . . ."
"It's fine," barks the instructor. "Stretch."
Jinki scans the crowd of dancers. He knows most of them, he realizes - including, of course, Kim Kibum, who flashes him a smile.
"Alright," the instructor says. "As you know, this song is meant to be a duet between a guy and a girl. However, the girl flaked out on us - "
"Who was it?" Jinki asks, braving his instructor's glare.
"Not that you need to know, but it was Jung Jessica." Jinki suppresses a gasp. "So like I said, she's gone, and we tried to find another girl, but a certain someone's manager" - he glares at Jinki again - "kept rejecting all the choices. So we ended up with the girliest guy the agency could send us." A ripple of laughter runs through the dancers, and Kibum crosses his arms. "So, Onew. I hope you don't mind that this has become a fanservice dance - "
"I don't have a choice, do I?"
"No. No, you don't. So, let's go over the steps . . ."
...
By the time Jinki has mastered the basic steps, he's exhausted and the rest of them look like they've barely broken a sweat. On top of that, he's deeply embarrassed. Kibum is a good dancer, and the way he moves his hips is uncannily similar to the original dance. Jinki knows he's supposed to be the focus of the show but he can't help but feel that Kibum is going to end up stealing it.
"Ah," he pants during their water break. "You should have told me how good you were . . . so I'd have known . . . to get in shape for this . . ."
"In five days?" Kibum laughs. "It's okay. You'll be fine."
"But this isn't even something I can sing my way out of!" Jinki complains. "That usually works, you know . . ."
"You'll be fine," Kibum repeats firmly.
"By the way . . ." Jinki says. "You're really good. Did I mention that?"
"Yeah, you did," Kibum says. "And yeah, I know."
"Ooh, modest, too!" Jinki says, rolling his eyes.
At the end of the practice, Jinki's manager pulls him and Kibum aside.
"So, Kibum-shi," the manager says. "This is . . . no one has listened to me when I've said this, but I think that this coud be a good opportunity for you."
Kibum appraises him with a neutral expression. "As a dancer?"
"As an idol," the manager says eagerly. "I listened to the recording. You both sounded excellent . . . there could be potential for future duets, in my opinion. I have yet to sell any of my superiors on this, but I feel confident that people will take an interest in you after the New Year's broadcast." He looks at them both expectantly. "Would you be interested?"
"I don't want to be an idol," Kibum says flatly. "I'm satisfied with dancing."
"But you have the look, and the voice, you'd be perfect! Well," he continues before Kibum can respond, "if you absolutely don't want to, I won't say any more about it. But it's definitely better to be prepared, and so I think you should have a stage name."
"Hm?"
"A stage name. Kim Kibum, there are already too many of those. It's a good name, but taken . . . so we should think of something that goes with your appearance during this upcoming broadcast . . . it's something of a powerful dance, right?"
"It's a song about a man whose existence is dependent on the girl he loves," Jinki says. "He can't do a single thing without her, but with her he's on top of the world."
"And she knows how much power she has over him, and she flaunts it," Kibum says. "And he still can't help but love her."
"The song is called 'Key to my Heart,'" the manager said slowly. "How about Key?"
"Key?" Kibum says, frowning.
"English. You know, the English for 'key.' It's good, right?"
"It's not bad," Jinki says, turning to Kibum.
"I'll think about it," Kibum sniffs.
...
Jinki arrives home to a text from Jonghyun.
Any girl dancers?
He rolls his eyes and decides against replying right away. Instead, he chooses to brush his teeth and fall straight into his bed, curling up under the covers and wondering, as he drifts off to sleep, what will happen if Kibum really does get famous.
The next day Kibum marches up to Jinki's manager before practice and says, "You can tell them to introduce me as Key. But I won't become an idol."
Jinki's manager looks pleased and says he will, and good luck at practice. Jinki watches the interaction curiously.
"Why won't you become an idol?" he asks Kibum later.
"Tried it once. Don't want to try again," Kibum says shortly.
"You did? You were an idol?"
"I never debuted."
"Oh." Jinki frowns. "I'm sorry. Would it be rude of me to ask what happened?"
"Yes."
"Okay."
And they don't discuss the subject again.
...
Do you know anyone who's not an idol right now named Kim Kibum? Someone who was supposed to debut but never did?
Jinki sends the text after giving the matter some thought. He doesn't want to ask his manager about Kibum's past, and he doesn't think any of his other idol friends will know anything about it. But Jonghyun has always had a nose for things like this, so if Jinki wants answers (and he does), then Jonghyun is the person to ask.
However, no reply comes.
Jinki waits patiently for days, checking his phone often throughout his increasingly busy schedule, but Jonghyun appears to be ignoring him.
It doesn't matter, he tells himself. I'll see him for New Year's, and he'll have to tell me then.
...
"Um," Jinki says, eyeing Kibum's pants. "Aren't those a little tight?"
"They are killing me," Kibum snaps. "I cannot move. At all! But whatever, they go with the outfit."
"If you say so," Jinki mutters. They're backstage, with stylists fluttering around them for final touch-ups on hair and makeup. Jinki is wearing a baggy black-and-white striped body suit and a matching hat; his concept is 'prisoner.' Kibum's concept is 'sexy jailer.' He's got a police cap perched atop his flawless, sideswept hair, a black collar around his neck and black leather gloves on his hands. Barely covering his torso is a tight, navy blue vest buttoned halfway down his chest to give the world a good view of his milky white skin. His shiny black pants ride low on his hips, flashing even more skin, and are so tight Jinki thinks 'leggings' might be a more appropriate term to describe them.
"You should have seen what they wanted me to wear, though," Kibum laughs. "Shorts. Tight, booty shorts, and thigh-high boots. I mean this shirt is bad enough, but I draw the line at booty shorts. It's like I had to remind them that I'm not actually Jessica!"
"Oh, yeah," Jinki says absently. "She was supposed to do this, wasn't she?"
"Yeah," Kibum says.
"Alright, alright," one of the stylists says. "They're calling you now. Better get to the waiting room."
"Right," Jinki says, and the two of them set off.
"So," Kibum says as they walk briskly through the halls. "Have you seen Minho-shi tonight?"
"No, I haven't. Did you see him?"
"Yeah. He's doing a reenactment of a dancing scene from his drama, apparently."
"Oh. I haven't heard about that, somehow . . ."
"Mm. Seen Kim Jonghyun?"
"No," Jinki says, frowning, "and actually I've been meaning to look for him. I still think he's behind this whole lip-synching thing."
"Probably," Kibum agrees, though it looks like he's hiding a smile. "Ah, well. Too late to do anything about it now."
...
As the harsh spotlight falls on Jinki and the opening bars of the song begin to sound, deafening cheers erupt from the audience. Jinki can't help but chuckle a little at that, and when he does, he's shocked to hear the sound magnified by the huge amplifiers. The mic taped to his ear is supposed to be off - he's supposed to be lip-synching!
Clearly, this is Jonghyun's idea of a joke.
Jinki panics a little at the thought of singing without any preparation, but in a moment it doesn't matter because he's doing it anyway. He can't even hear the recording of his voice on the track that's playing; he doesn't want to think about what would have happened had he not realized his mic was on.
Their arrangement of the song is only two and a half minutes long. For some reason, Jinki finds it very easy to look lovestruck as Kibum sings and struts his way towards him. Maybe it's because of how intimidating those pants are, or maybe it's because of the confident smirk on Kibum's face; either way, Jinki doesn't have to force the awe expressed in the song lyrics.
When it's done, and they've hit the final pose, and the audience is screaming for them, and the lights go down and they hurry backstage, Kibum high fives Jinki with a broad grin on his face. Jinki thanks and congratulates all the other dancers, and then Jonghyun is standing in front of him.
"Kim Jonghyun," he gasps, his eyes going wide, "I'm going to kill you!"
"Oh, you love me," Jongyun scoffs, and Jinki wonders how long it's been since he last heard that voice. "Say thank you. I got them to let you sing live, didn't I? And do you know how much effort that took? It took a personal phone call to the head of the network - "
"I tried that, too!"
" - and calling in a huge favor he owed me. So you should just be grateful."
Jinki rolls his eyes.
"But it's not like I came back here to talk to you," Jonghyun continues, and Jinki sputters indignantly. "Kibum-ah!"
Kibum, who's been watching from the sidelines with a distant expression on his face, crosses his arms.
"Yeah?"
"Kibummie!" Jonghyun strides forward, beaming, holding his arms open. "It's been so long!"
Kibum just stares at him. Jonghyun tries to wrap his arms around the other man, but Kibum shoves him away.
"Don't touch me," he spits.
"Er," Jinki says, because he has no idea what's going on. "Do you know each other?"
"Of course," Jonghyun says. "Kibum-ah, don't you remember me?"
"Remember you?" Kibum hisses, and Jonghyun steps back a little, intimidated. "Do I remember you? Are you stupid? How can you even ask me that, if I remember you? It's you who forgot me!"
"I didn't - "
"Shut your mouth," Kibum snarls. "I don't even want to hear you speak! I don't want to hear anything you have to say. Just - leave. Go. Now." He waves his hand dismissively.
Jonghyun scowls. "Well, aren't you bitter," he says. "Here I am, trying to have a civil conversation - "
"Yeah, after six years! It's been that long, it's been six years. And now, suddenly, once I've finally sung onstage, now you want to talk to me! I don't think so." Kibum grabs Jinki's arm. "Let's go."
He drags a confused Jinki through the crowd of gaping backup dancers to their empty dressing room, slamming the door behind him. Jinki stares; he hasn't seen Kibum this emotional before, ever. Granted, he's only known him a few weeks, but nonetheless. He's breathing hard, and color is visible on his cheeks even through the heavy stage makeup.
"Are you going to explain what just happened?" Jinki says slowly. "Because I really don't understand."
"He's a traitor," Kibum says hotly. "He was supposed to debut with me. Me and Taeminnie. We were going to debut six years ago, and we - the three of us - we worked so hard. We became really close, me and him, though. We were like best friends."
"But then," Jinki interrupts, "why wouldn't he answer me when I asked who you were? I texted him, asking if he knew a Kim Kibum, and he never replied - "
"Because he was ashamed of me!" Kibum exclaims. "While we were trainees, while we had a bright future ahead of us, he was nice and fine and great to be with. But as soon as that thing happened - "
"What thing?"
Kibum sighs. "Our manager committed suicide. He left behind a note saying that it was just too hard for him to deal with such a life, and that killing himself was the only escape. And this was right at a time when Taemin and I were struggling a little bit with our training - so naturally, Jonghyun blamed it on us. It was like he'd forgotten the past year and a half, like he'd forgotten how close we were. And the company sided with him. We got thrown out like trash, and he was placed in another, better three-member group."
"With me and Minho," Jinki whispers.
"Yeah." Kibum laughs bitterly. "Thus, Shinee was born."
"But - "Jinki begins, struggling for words, "but - he never mentioned anything like that. He never mentioned - "
"Because he can only stand to be associated with the best," Kibum says. "As soon as he decided Taemin and I weren't good enough for him, it was like we didn't even exist. I tried calling him, and texting him. I even saw him backstage once, when I was dancing for another group. You - Shinee - had gone before us, and I tried to say hi, but he didn't even look at me. He just kept walking."
Jinki doesn't know what to say. He can't say he's entirely surprised at this side of Jonghyun, but it's still appalling.
"So that was when I told myself that I wasn't even going to try anymore," Kibum continues. "I decided to just dance and stay far away from being the center of attention."
For some reason, Jinki finds this difficult to comprehend. "Kibum," he says in a low voice, "I'm pretty sure you were born to be in the spotlight. Why would you let Jonghyun keep you from doing that?"
"It's not easy to be betrayed like that," Kibum says softly. "Just thinking about entering this cutthroat world you live in, just thinking about trying to compete - I can't. I won't."
...
Later, once they've both changed, Kibum introduces Jinki to Taemin.
"Onew-shi, meet Lee Taemin," he says, gesturing to a boy with a fluffy bowl cut of dyed auburn hair.
"The one who - ?" Jinki whispers.
"Yes, the one who was with me and Jonghyun." Kibum pats Taemin on the shoulder.
"Ah."
"Taeminnie," Kibum says. "This is - "
"I know, I know, it's Lee Onew," Taemin says brightly. "Nice to meet you!"
"Nice to meet you," Jinki murmurs. He's struck by how very young Taemin is - he can't be that much older than twenty. "I saw your performance with Choi Minho earlier - it was really good."
"Oh, thank you," Taemin sighs. "It wasn't that good. I'm a little disappointed. In the actual drama, it was much better."
"I haven't watched it," Jinki admits. "I've been meaning to, though. I told Minho I would."
"That's right, you two are friends," Taemin says, smiling. "He's mentioned you a couple times."
"Are you close with him?" Jinki asks curiously.
Taemin smiles. "We see each other a lot on the set. Basically all of my scenes are with him. Sometimes we eat lunch together."
"Oh," Jinki says. "Where is he tonight, though? I haven't seen him."
"I'm not sure," Taemin murmurs. "I think I saw him talking to Jonghyun." He glances at Kibum as he says the name. "So I didn't want to intrude."
"Good," Kibum growls.
Jinki doesn't miss the look Taemin shoots Kibum. It's a look that seems to encompass a years-old argument, and Jinki doesn't miss the stubborn look that Kibum shoots right back.
"Uh," he starts to say, but then his manager is hurrying toward him, a frantic look on his face.
"Jinki-ah - !" he begins, but then he's passed by a sprinting cameraman.
"Onew-shi," the man says, aiming his lens at Jinki all the while, "please come with me. There's been a request for a special MC stage by you."
"Uh," Jinki says. "Are you filming live?"
The man nods.
"Okay, then. I guess." He walks back down the hall, waving to Kibum and Taemin. "I'll come back," he calls to them. The camera is still on him, and he knows that footage of him walking is not the most interesting thing for an audience to put up with, so he fiddles with his hair and starts talking to himself. "I wonder what this is about . . . ah, I don't have my jacket on yet, the coordi nunas will be upset with me . . . Sorry." He bows a little to the camera. "Um, I'll put it on later, I'll come back. Sorry."
Finally he reaches the stage, and he nearly trips going up the stairs. The audience cheers loudly.
"Huh?" he exclaims. Jonghyun and Minho are waiting for him on the stage.
"Onew-ah," Jonghyun says warmly. "I enjoyed your stage with Key earlier."
"Thanks," he murmurs, and then someone taps him on the back and thrusts a microphone into his hands. "Thanks," he repeats into the mic. There are more cheers.
"I did, too," Minho adds in his deep voice.
"Ah, thanks," Jinki says.
"So," Jonghyun says. "It's been a long time since the three of us stood on a stage together like this."
The other two nod, and Jinki is beginning to have an inkling of why he's up here.
"Shinee is over," Jonghyun continues, and boos and screams issue loudly from the audience. "Shinee is done. But even so . . . I miss you two. We are all friends, right? And we are all performers?"
The audience screams louder, though Jinki didn't think it was possible.
"It's not like I want to get our fans' hopes up, so I'll just say it right now: Shinee is not getting back together," Jonghyun says frankly. "But that's not to stop us from singing just one song together, is it? Should we sing?"
Minho is nodding and smiling, so Jinki nods and smiles, too.
"Let's sing," he says, and the audience goes wild.
The opening bars of their debut song sound. Jonghyun signals for them to get into their dance positions, and Jinki shakes his head wildly.
"I can't do the dance," he says, holding the mic away from his face. "No, I really can't!"
"Just do it," Jonghyun insists.
Then - this is just surreal - they're singing, the three of them, to the chorus. Jonghyun's voice is the strongest, as he's clearly prepared for this, but as the song progresses Jinki and Minho warm up as well. Jinki finds that the dance moves are coming back to him, too; not once does he lose his place. As the song wears on, he finds himself glancing over at Jonghyun and Minho and grinning, because isn't this why he auditioned all those years ago? This is it, this is the joy of performing, and the satisfaction of teamwork. By the end of the song, when they bow, breathing heavily and perspiring a little, Jinki is overcome with a wave of nostalgia. Why couldn't things stay like this?
"Thank you," Jonghyun is saying to the crowd. "Thank you."
"I love you all," Minho adds.
Jinki raises the mic to his lips and then lowers it, laughing.
"Say something," Jonghyun says, nudging him.
"I can't - there's nothing to say."
"Just say something!"
"Thank you so much, everyone," Jinki manages. "Ah, this surprised me. Thank you for putting up with such a sloppy performance."
Minho nods. "Thank you."
"Everyone, even though we know you are sad that Shinee is finished," Jonghyun says, "please be happy that we can at least sing this one song for you. Thank you all!"
They file off the stage.
...
"That was fun," Jinki says when they've all arrived back to his dressing room. "Minho-yah, it's been too long!"
"It has," Minho agrees, enveloping Jinki in a tight hug. "How busy are you lately? We could meet for lunch . . ."
"Jinki-yah," Jonghyun says. "Thanks for going along with that. I was afraid you wouldn't."
"Oh," Jinki says, a little startled. "Sure. I mean, how could I not?"
"Mm," Jonghyun says, "and also . . . about earlier . . ."
"You mean, about Kibum?"
"Yeah . . ."
"What about him?"
"Where is he?"
"I don't know. I was talking to him and Taemin - "
"Right, right, I saw," Jonghyun says distractedly. "It's just - I really want to talk to him. That - earlier - that bothered me. Maybe you could give me his phone number?"
"I don't know," Jinki says slowly. Minho holds up his hands and looks back and forth between them.
"Wait a second," he says. "Who's Kibum?"
Then Jonghyun and Jinki have to explain the whole thing from the start, and when they're done, Minho is frowning and looking skeptical.
"You're an ass," he says first to Jonghyun, who looks distraught. "I was going to ask why Taemin never mentioned this to me, but it sounds like you're just a huge ass."
"Yeah," Jinki says.
"It's not like everything is my fault!" Jonghyun says angrily. "I didn't single-handedly ruin their careers! It's not like I went out of my way to harm them!"
"That's not what Kibum said," Jinki says with a frown.
"But it's not like you went out of your way to help them," Minho adds. "Look, I don't think the three of us should argue about this right now. It doesn't affect us, Jinki-ah. I'm going to go find Taemin, though."
As it turns out, there's no need for that, because Kibum and Taemin enter the dressing room shortly.
"Um," Taemin says when he sees the three of them standing there. "You guys sounded really good."
"Thanks," Jinki says.
Then the five of them are just standing there awkwardly. Jinki wishes he knew what to say, but he doesn't know where to start. There's so much waiting to be said in this room - in the five of them there are two dead idol groups, two crushed dreams, three superstars and two unknowns. Jinki could probably go on for hours about the issues just concerning Shinee, but now on top of that there's Jonghyun's whole dramatic past to be dealt with.
Taemin is the one who finally breaks the silence. "Hyung," he says, walking over to Jonghyun. "I know Kibum is still mad at you, but I'm not. It was six years ago. We've all moved on . . . you even moved on from what you moved on from us for. So, I know I said some horrible things to you back then, but I'm sorry for that. And it won't happen again."
"Oh, God, Taeminnie," Jonghyun says, his voice quivering. He covers his face and begins to cry. "I'm so sorry. I - everything I did - I'm so sorry. I ruined everything. And I selfishly moved on for myself, and forgot about you two . . . and I'm sorry."
"I forgive you," Taemin says. "It wasn't the end of the world. Although, it definitely seemed like it at the time."
They let Jonghyun sob quietly for a while, and then Kibum speaks.
"If Taemin will forgive you, I will as well," he says, his voice cold. "But I won't be your friend." His eyes are hard. "There's no way I'll be your friend after everything you've made me suffer."
"Kibum-ah," Jonghyun says earnestly, wiping his eyes. "Can't you at least give me a chance? We were friends, we were best friends - "
"Starting now," Kibum says, "we're strangers. I don't know any Kim Jonghyun."
Jinki and Minho watch, stunned, as Kibum whirls around and strides out of the room. Taemin just shakes his head sadly, and Jonghyun goes to collapse in one of the chairs. For a minute none of them speak, and only Jonghyun's intermittent sniffles break the silence.
"I should go talk to him," Jinki says at last, his voice heavy.
"There's no time," Taemin tells him. "The final stage is in ten minutes. We should be getting ready."
"Oh yeah . . ." Jinki says. "Well, I'll find him onstage then."
Jonghyun stands and opens his mouth to speak, but Jinki interrupts him.
"And you," he says firmly, "are not coming with me."
...
Jinki doesn't get a chance to track down Kibum until well after the show is over, and by that time he knows his manager is going to be ready to chew him out for having sung with Jonghyun and Minho, so he doesn't mind the excuse to delay his departure. As he combs the building for Kibum, he comes across the rest of his backup dancers, who are about to go out for drinks.
"Is Kibum with you?" he asks, and they shake their heads.
"He was going to come, but I haven't seen him," one of them says, and Jinki thanks them and moves on.
After a few more minutes of roaming the halls, Jinki begins to ask himself why he's even bothering. He could be out drinking right now, or partying. He could be catching up with Minho and Jonghyun. He could be doing any number of things, but instead he's trying to find this obstinate man named Kim Kibum, and he can't for the life of him figure out why.
Finally he gives up. His phone buzzes, and his manager's name comes up on caller ID.
"I'm coming," he says into the phone. "I'll be outside in a second." He hangs up, not bothering to listen to the older man's response.
Jinki makes his way to the entryway of the building, where people are still milling around. He sees his manager, tapping his foot and looking impatient, but he also sees a solitary figure leaning against a wall and looking lonely. He veers from his course and walks over to Kibum, who glances up at his arrival.
"Hey," Kibum says.
"Hey."
They regard each other for a moment, and Jinki decides that he likes Kibum better without makeup than with.
"I have to go now," Jinki says, "but give me your phone number."
"Why?"
"So I can call you, why else?"
"But I mean . . . why?"
"Don't friends exchange phone numbers? Come on, give me yours and I'll give you mine." Jinki smiles, though it doesn't come out as wide or as sincere as he would have liked.
Kibum sighs. "Here, give me your phone. I'll put it in."
Jinki smiles for real now. "I'll call you," he promises. "And we can talk."
"What's there to talk about?" Kibum grumbles.
"Life," Jinki says solemnly. Then he winks and dashes off to his manager, leaving Kibum to shake his head and hide his grin.
...
The next week is a busy one for Jinki, and so is the one after that. Still, he finds time every day to at least text Kibum once, if not call him. He continues to be unsure of why he's reaching out like this, but it's too late to reconsider now. Kibum is slowly but surely opening up to him, and by the fourth week in January, they're able to meet for lunch. Kibum ends up inviting Taemin, who invites Minho, and so the four of them go to a cafe near the location of Minho's drama.
"How's filming?" is the first thing Jinki asks, partially because he's curious and partially because it's a safe, impersonal thing to say.
"It's good," Minho says. "Definitely easier now that most of the dancing scenes are out of the way."
"I still haven't watched any of it," Jinki says, "why do you have to dance?"
"Because it's what I do," Taemin says with a smile, "I dance."
Jinki glances at Kibum, who shrugs.
"So, Jinki-ah," Minho says, "how much trouble did we get you in? For singing, I mean."
"Oh," Jinki says cheerfully, "it was pretty bad. I got yelled at a lot. Then we pulled out my contract out and went over it for a while, but in the end they couldn't do anything but yell at me a little more because there was nothing in the contract saying I couldn't perform with you."
"Sorry," Minho says. "It was Jonghyun's idea."
"I figured."
"It was fun, though, right?"
"Yeah. I don't know why they were mad, it probably helped my album sales."
"It probably helped Jonghyun's album sales, too, though."
"Oh, right. And he's about to release a new single, isn't he? Ah, the little bastard," Jinki chuckles.
"Let's stop talking about him, shall we?" Kibum interrupts smoothly, clapping his hands. "Great. So, anyone want to go shopping?"
Taemin frowns. "Kibum-ah," he says. "You should talk to hyung. You should get things straight."
"There's nothing to get straight," Kibum says coldly, and Taemin just sighs.
...
"I mean," Jinki says to Kibum over the phone that night, "what harm would it do to be nice to him?"
"I just can't," Kibum says, and Jinki can practically hear his scowl. "You don't get it."
"I guess I don't. Would you mind explaining, then?"
Kibum sighs, and Jinki waits.
"I really prized his friendship," Kibum exhales at last. "He meant a lot to me. He meant the world to me. And just, all of a sudden, it was like we were never even friends. He totally shut me out, no matter how much I tried to talk to him and call him, and . . . I guess I'm just trying to give him a taste of his own medicine."
"But how does that help anything?" Jinki asks.
"It . . . well, it's not supposed to be helping . . ."
"But you still want to be friends with him, right?"
"I don't - "
"You miss him, don't you?"
"Miss him - ?"
"You know, Kibum, sometimes you just have to take the high road. Otherwise, everything will just fall apart completely, and, well, you wouldn't want that, right?"
"It's already fallen apart, Jinki," Kibum says flatly. "Everything's already fucked up."
"So put it back together again," Jinki says, as though it's the easiest thing in the world.
"It's not - I can't - "
"I'll help you."
...
Jinki ends up taking Kibum by taxi to Jonghyun's apartment. It's late, but adrenaline's pumping through his veins and sweeping away his exhaustion. He pays the driver and walks with Kibum to the front door.
"Shit," Kibum says, his hand on the door handle. "I don't think I can do this."
"Why not?" Jinki says, pushing the door open. "It'll be easy. Do you want me to come in with you?"
"I don't know what to say!" Kibum exclaims. Jinki pulls him across the lobby to the elevator. "I really just - what should I say?"
"Hmm," Jinki murmurs. He presses the elevator button and pats Kibum on the shoulder. "Say you want to be friends again."
"But," Kibum sighs, "I don't know how."
"It's easy. Just say, 'Kim Jonghyun, I want to be friends with you again,' and then - "
"No! I mean, I don't know how to be friends with him again."
"Oh. Well, how were you friends with him before?"
"What? I don't know, I just was. We were best friends."
"So just be his friend now. I really don't get what's so difficult about that."
"It's not as easy as you think, okay!" Kibum says. "I mean - God - maybe you should come in with me, I'm just - "
"Calm down," Jinki advises. "Just - calm."
"I'm calm," Kibum snaps. "Ugh. Okay. Fuck it, I'm just going to go in there, and just - just talk to him. "
"That's right," Jinki says encouragingly. They've arrived at Jonghyun's floor. "Go on! I'll wait in the lobby."
Kibum takes a deep breath and strides out of the elevator. Then, as the doors are beginning to close, he darts back in and seizes Jinki's arm.
"Hey," Jinki protests. Kibum drags him out of the elevator.
"Just come with me to his door. Just - I don't know the apartment number."
The walk down the hallway is silent, and Jinki peeks over at Kibum. His face is pale, his eyebrows are drawn; Jinki thinks he looks like a nervous young man about to go on his first date, and for some reason this idea displeases him.
"Relax," Jinki says, but Kibum's shoulders remain tensed. They arrive at Jonghyun's door, and Jinki raises his fist to knock.
"Don't," Kibum says. "I'll do it. You should go."
"Okay," Jinki says with a small smile. "Good luck."
He starts back down the hallway and hears Kibum knock three times. When he's nearly at the elevator, he hears another three knocks. He pauses, looking back over his shoulder. Each door is recessed a little from the hallway, so Jinki can't see Kibum, but soon he hears three more knocks, and then another three. Then there's a curse, a barrage of pounding, and Kibum comes storming out into the hallway.
"He's not home!" he exclaims.
"Oh," Jinki says. He jams his hands into his pockets as he makes his way slowly back to Jonghyun's door. "I guess we should have called ahead."
"Yeah, you think?" Kibum says sarcastically. "No, you know what, this was stupid. Let's just leave."
"He'll come at some point," Jinki protests. "You might as well wait for him."
"Why bother?" Kibum mutters, but Jinki hurries forward and takes his arm.
"Don't go yet!" Jinki says earnestly. "You'll regret it, I swear."
The elevator dings.
"Oh! Look, that's probably him!" Jinki says, pointing.
The doors slide open, and Jonghyun is indeed inside the elevator - but he's not alone. He's got some girl pressed up against the back wall, and she's got one leg wrapped around his waist, and Jinki's mouth drops open and his cheeks flush and Kibum looks horrified, and as Jonghyun begins to shuffle out of the elevator, still kissing the girl, Jinki and Kibum as one lunge out of sight into the doorway across from Jonghyun's. Kibum shoves Jinki hard into the door, his fingers clenched and white in the fabric of Jinki's jacket.
"Don't make a sound," he warns in a hiss. "Not a sound."
Jinki nods breathlessly, his heart pounding beneath Kibum's thin fingers. He keeps his own hands balled at his sides awkwardly, and Kibum nestles close into his chest as Jonghyun and the girl draw nearer. They're giggling, as they skip down the hall, and Jinki imagines them to be holding hands. He can't see the expression on Kibum's face, but he can smell his shampoo and he can feel the short little huffs of his breath against his neck, and very suddenly Jinki doesn't care that Jonghyun is in the hallway not ten feet away from them.
He has to have Kibum.
This is ridiculous because Kibum's a man and he is a man and men don't love each other, not like this, but suddenly he loves Kibum like he's never loved anyone before. He loves the way he smells and the way he feels and he really, really wants to kiss him. He tips his head downward, angles it just right, but Kibum is still concentrating on the Jonghyun problem; his eyes are narrowed, his breathing shallow, and he's glaring back at the hall, his palms sweaty and anxious. So Jinki waits until he hears the jingle of keys and the click of the door before cupping Kibum's chin in his hands and pressing their mouths together, kissing him sweetly and messily and determinedly until Kibum pulls away, gasping for breath.
"Jinki-yah!" he exclaims, his voice low. "What the hell are you doing!"
"I'm kissing you," Jinki explains.
"No, you most certainly are not," Kibum snaps. He crosses his arms looking scandalized. "I mean, really, in public? Are you as bad as Jonghyun?"
"Then," Jinki says hopefully, "will you let me kiss you if I take you back to my place?"
Kibum backs out into the hallway and smirks. "I'll let you do more," he promises in a low voice, and Jinki's stomach does somersaults. "Now let's get the hell out of here."
...
"We have to go back there, you know," Jinki says later, when he and Kibum are lying together in the quiet of his bedroom. "Eventually. Don't think I'm letting you get off that easy."
"Go back to Jonghyun?" Kibum asks, running a hand lazily down Jinki's chest. "I don't want to."
"I want you to," Jinki says firmly.
"Hey," Kibum says suddenly. "I just thought of something."
"Don't try to distract me, because I won't - "
"Shut up and listen, this is important," Kibum insists. He scoots closer to Jinki and wraps his arm around the older man's neck. "I really like you, okay?"
"Um," Jinki says, flustered. "Okay."
"I'm serious," Kibum continues. "I really like you and if you make this a one night stand I'm never talking to you again. So let's make a deal. I'll become friends with Jonghyun again if you'll become my boyfriend. How's that?"
Jinki stares. "Did you think I'd sleep with you and then not become your boyfriend? Is that the kind of person you think I am?"
"Of course not," Kibum scoffs. "You're a good person. Why do you think I like you? But it's better to spell things out, I think. It's safer."
"Oh," Jinki says. "That's fine."
"We can see Jonghyun tomorrow, if you want."
"Sure," Jinki says. "And by the way, Kibummie."
"Hm?"
"I really like you, too."