NEVER MIND (Adam/Tommy) - 3/?
Hmm. It shows no signs of stopping.
Note: Events and timelines are conflated here, merely based on certain RL incidents. It’s fun to use actual incidents in fic but it’s not going to be an exact match. Obviously. Because this is fiction, darlings.
Molly Malone’s
Adam resolves to stalk Tommy. He drags Sauli to the latest Monte gig at Molly Malone’s and they sit in the back wearing knit caps and no jewelry. Adam feels almost bare-naked as he hunches over miserably, trying to make sure that Monte doesn’t spy him out. Tommy is less likely to because Tommy tends to keep his eyes down. He’s a lot more coy with an audience, saving glances for important moments.
Shane and his soccer team-mates have the same idea, apparently, as Adam, although they are arranged right in front of the stage, not trying to hide. Sauli gets excited until Adam whispers to him they’re all straight. Excepting Shane, natch. Not that Adam is watching Shane, no, not at all. He’s here to gawk at Tommy from his hidden position. Tommy looks good, too, so rocker-hot in his black jacket and minimal makeup and bitten-off nail polish.
Monte enjoys talking with the crowd. He observes between songs that there’s more men than usual in the audience.
One of them yells out, “We’re here for the hot bass player!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t make you stand out or anything, pal,” counters Monte.
The female fans cheer and laugh. The men wolf-whistle at Tommy, who deigns to give them a look and flips them off with both hands, mouthing fuck you with a cute little smile on his lips. That just makes the whistles increase.
While the band tears into a song, Adam lets his mind wander, like back in temple when he was a kid and that was the only quiet time in his existence, when Neil had to keep his yap shut.
Tommy is a dilemma and an enigma and the most fucking frustrating person Adam has ever known, for no good reason at all, because Tommy doesn’t do any of that on purpose. No question, though, Tommy’s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Why is that? He’s gorgeous, sure. He’s cute and sweet and cuddly and loving. Even though plenty of other guys seem pretty smitten with Tommy, none seem to be heartbroken as such.
Adam is. He was prepared to live with it quietly for the remainder of his life. He was willing to get by with having Tommy as a friend he could cuddle sometimes, and kiss if there was a stage-gay to play, and guide along the path of nascent stardom. He was willing to assuage his heart with second-best and be strong and respect Tommy’s choices - right up until the second he saw Tommy with a goddamn boyfriend and knew - knew - it could have been him. Should have been. If his head hadn’t been up his own ass.
The sardonic laughter of Sutan and Brad reverberates bitterly in his mind.
When the band is on the last song, Adam drags Sauli quietly out of the place.
Backstage
Shane accosts Tommy while the latter is packing up the Squier, grabbing him from behind and picking him up off the floor.
“Fucker!” Tommy laughs, struggling until Shane sets him back down.
“Get a room,” Monte says mildly as he walks past them.
“Can I watch?” Xander asks snarkily, trailing after Monte.
When they’re gone, Tommy goes up on his toes to give Shane a quick kiss.
“You’re so sexy when you’re playing, you know?” Shane says, squeezing Tommy tight.
Tommy blushes and hides his face against Shane’s shirt. “Shane?”
“What, sweetie?”
“Am I your type?”
“Type?”
“Yeah, you know, like I’m short and small and, I dunno, blond.”
Shane ponders, resting his chin on the top of Tommy’s head. “I don’t think I have a type as such. It’s just you. You’re awesome. I wasn’t even looking for someone, I was so busy with my thesis work, but there you were and you looked so cool and interesting that I couldn’t stop myself. I’m so glad I didn’t.”
Tommy squeezes Shane’s midsection a little. Shane is so good for his confidence. Tommy feels like he’s been taken for granted rather too much lately. Of course his friends like him and they enjoy his company and all, but there’s a feeling of Tommy will do this, Tommy won’t mind that, Tommy’s up for whatever. Which is true, and yet. He wants to matter more than that.
“I love you,” he says quietly. The words pop out of his mouth without running through his brain filter first. No regrets, though.
“I love you, too, Tommy,” Shane answers, not trying to get a look at his face or anything, just letting him be.
Good thing, because Tommy starts to feel panic rising from somewhere deep within his guts. He’d seen Adam in the back of the room but then he didn’t come back to talk with them, and what is up with that? What in fuck is Adam doing?
Santa Monica beach
Brad has no intention of passing up a chance to see Tommy’s studly boyfriend, so he willingly accompanies Adam to the beach party. The ocean is still cold in late May and temperatures drop in the evening. Adam is thankful he isn’t going to look out of place in something other than beach-wear.
Except when he and Brad find the group, at least twenty girls and guys, sure enough they’re all wearing cargo shorts and tanks and swimsuits. Several are ranging over the wet-packed sand, tossing a football.
Then to top it off, down by the surf’s edge, Shane emerges from the ocean like a Greek god in nothing but a pair of low-hanging, garish orange board shorts which are clinging like whoa. He shakes his hair, sending droplets of water everywhere.
“Wow,” says Brad. “Wow.”
Adam follows Brad’s eyes right down to the front of those orange board shorts.
“You’ve got competition in the dick department, honey.”
“Shut up,” Adam says.
“And that’s with shrinkage. That water is cold.”
“Hey, Adam!” Shane hollers, bounding over and sticking out his hand, a big smile on his face just as though Adam hadn’t been rude the first time they met.
After being introduced to Brad, who is seriously pissing off Adam by practically simpering like a ripped-bodice heiress in a saucy romance novel, Shane runs off and finds Tommy near the fire pit, which already has a nice crackly fire underway.
“I hate him,” Adam says conversationally.
“Hard,” agrees Brad. “Lucky Tommy.”
They saunter towards the fire ring. The sun’s not all the way down yet. A couple of bikini-clad women are toweling off and throwing on sweaters. Another is on one guy’s shoulders, getting a ride.
Tommy’s there, too, laughing with the other people near the fire, tiny-looking and so cute; he’s got a Metallica t-shirt on, and his own little-boy board shorts and bare feet. His back is to Adam and Brad but there’s never any mistaking Tommy from any angle.
A beefy man in a muscle tee yells at Shane, “Betcha can’t pick up your boy!”
Shane grins with his blindingly perfect teeth and says, “Dude, you know damn well I can bench two-seventy without breaking a sweat.”
“Pics or it didn’t happen!” chortles Beefy.
“No way,” says Tommy. “I don’t like heights.”
Shane crouches beside Tommy. “Come on! I promise not to drop you. Get on my shoulders.”
Tommy shakes his head.
“My manliness is at stake,” Shane says. He grabs Tommy’s wrist and gives it a shake. Finally Tommy is convinced to climb awkwardly onto Shane’s shoulders. Then Shane grasps Tommy’s calves and rises to his full height in one smooth movement.
“Oh my fucking god,” says Brad, hand splayed against his chest. “Be still, my heart.”
Shane turns around and Tommy spots Adam and Brad. He waves. “Hey, there are my friends,” he says in his awkwardly sweet way.
Adam walks over to Shane and tilts his head up towards Tommy. “How’s the weather up there?”
Tommy giggles. “It’s kind of cool. Being tall, I mean. Hey, I can see San Diego from here.”
“No, you can’t, loony-tunes,” says Adam. “If you fall on your head getting down, it’ll serve you right.”
“Why didn’t you ever give me a shoulder ride, Adam?” Brad asks, smacking Adam’s bicep. “Not manly enough?”
“I don’t need to prove myself,” says Adam. He’s looking right at Shane and realizes maybe he’s still being rude.
Shane shrugs, which jostles Tommy.
“Hey!” Tommy yells, listing precariously and grabbing Shane’s head. “Don’t drop me!”
“Grab my hands,” Shane instructs, pulling Tommy’s hands out of his hair and clasping them firmly, then bending over at the waist.
“Whoa,” Tommy whimpers.
“Do a somersault, it’ll work,” Shane says calmly, and Tommy tumbles off his shoulders in a strange tangle of gangly limbs and the kind of fluid movement he manages on-stage when Adam’s hauling him around by his hair. His knees give out and he’s falling to the sand when Shane pulls him back up. “See? Easy.”
Tommy turns around, laughing and falling back against Shane’s chest, their hands still clasped, their arms twined together around his torso. “Better than a Disneyland ride,” Tommy says when he’s done laughing.
I hate him so fucking hard, Adam thinks to himself sourly. He watches, half turned on and half appalled, as Shane leans over and kisses Tommy’s gorgeous lips. Adam really had thought those lips were his, at least in terms of men versus women. Especially when Shane slips in a bit of tongue action as Tommy melts against him.
“You’re fucked,” Brad whispers in Adam’s ear. “I’m gonna go play manly sports with the big boys and their balls.” He scampers off to join the football-playing contingent.
“You are a sad excuse for a gay man, Bradley Bell!” Adam yells after him.
“That’s harsh, dude,” Shane says, laughing.
Adam turns. Shane’s still got Tommy wrapped up in his arms. Tommy gives Adam a half-panicked look and squirms, earning an odd look from Shane. “You okay, sweetie?” he asks.
“Course I am,” Tommy blurts out. “Think I need some food.”
Shane releases him.
“Tommy, wait,” Adam says, catching Tommy’s wrist.
“Huh? Why?” Tommy doesn’t try to get his wrist free but he does look baffled.
“How about a walk? I haven’t seen you in a few days.” Adam stares firmly at Shane. “You won’t mind, will you? I just want to borrow your boyfriend for a bit.”
“Up to Tommy,” says Shane.
Tommy looks back and forth between them. It’s unfair that he’s small and short and trapped between two tall guys but that’s life. Adam tugs a little on his wrist and Tommy nods.
For the first hundred yards Tommy walks in the surf while Adam avoids it, so they’re too far apart to talk quietly. Fancy Tommy in board shorts, Adam thinks, walking in the ocean. Adam feels like Tommy is getting away from him, becoming someone different while Adam was busy elsewhere. Adam hates that thought. He’s about ready to yank off his boots and roll up his cuffs and join Tommy when Shane comes running up behind them. He’s wearing a sweatshirt and carrying Tommy’s leather jacket.
“Now the sun’s down it’s going to be cold,” Shane says, holding the jacket while Tommy puts his arms in the armholes and then shrugs it on. He has a darling little smile for Shane which is just plain killing Adam.
Don’t kiss him, Adam wills silently.
Shane leans down and kisses Tommy quickly; even as he pulls back, Tommy follows him, keeping their lips together just that much longer. “Stay warm, baby,” Shane says, smacking Tommy’s ass. Tommy yelps and kicks water at him.
Shane chuckles and heads back towards the fire ring, holding out his hand as he passes Adam, and Adam thinks the correct thing to do is a high-five. Yep, that was correct.
They walk northwest in the growing dark by the Palisades. Tommy is a little ahead of Adam and to his left, skirting back and forth when the waves come in or draw back. The shorts and jacket combo looks unbearably adorable. Traffic isn’t too heavy on PCH and the sound of the living, breathing ocean cancels out other sounds. Eventually Tommy comes closer, walking on the firm damp sand left by the outgoing tide. When he gets close enough, he takes Adam’s hand and walks beside him. For another long while they walk without speaking, until Adam can’t bear it any longer.
“I don’t want to hate Shane,” Adam says.
“Why would you want to hate him?” Tommy asks, mystified. “I don’t hate Sauli.”
Adam sighs. “That’s different.”
“It is?” Tommy looks up at him. Even though it’s full dark by now, Tommy’s big eyes gleam in the light from the distant streetlamps.
“I’m gay.”
“Oh.” Tommy’s gaze returns to his own small feet as they plod along on the sand.
Everything about Tommy makes Adam feel so big and clunky: the little feet, the small tense hand in his own, the skinny silhouette. He’s treading dangerous ground now and he knows it. He can’t stop talking like a fool. “It’s not strange for me to have a boyfriend.”
“It’s kind of strange,” Tommy says. “You didn’t use to have one.”
“But I’m gay, Tommy. I’m supposed to have a boyfriend. You’re not.”
Tommy’s silent.
“Tommy? You know what I mean, right? I’m not saying it to be a jackass.” Adam hopes he’s not being a jackass, anyway.
Tommy lifts his shoulder and lets it drop. “I didn’t do it to hurt you, Adam.”
“You didn’t?”
Tommy shakes his head. All Adam can see is long blond bangs.
“Tommy, you never ever said.”
“Said what?”
“Anything! If I’d just known!” He yanks on Tommy’s hand and Tommy stops walking and turns to face him. They’re on a dark part of the beach, all alone, road lights hidden behind a jumble of big rocks. Tommy’s shivering.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Tommy, I could live with it if all I got was a few kisses but you had to go and find yourself a guy. One who kind of looks like me, too. You think that isn’t obvious?”
“Seriously? Pot to kettle, dude.” Tommy tries to pull his hand away. Instead he gets hauled against Adam’s chest and Adam’s other arm goes around his back. “Adam, stop.”
“Fuck, Tommy, if you’ve been gay all along, did you just not want me?”
“Adam -“
“You were lying to me.”
“No,” Tommy says. “I never lied.”
“Then what? When did you get this inclination to, what, explore your sexuality or some such shit?”
Tommy shoves hard and Adam lets him go. Tommy turns his face away and says, softer, “I think I waited a long time without knowing what I was doing.”
“Waited?”
Tommy nods.
“So… now?”
Tommy shakes his head. “Now there’s Shane, and Sauli.”
“Sauli’s leaving.”
Tommy looks genuinely stunned. “He is? It’s over?”
“It’s over. He’s a sweetheart and he’s a friend but he isn’t the one. Do you want to know who the one is?”
Tommy shakes his head again, harder this time. “No. I don’t.”
Adam takes two steps forward and takes Tommy’s face in his hands. That big doe-eyed, deer-in-the-headlights look is back. “You can’t tell me, not now, that this never meant anything.” He mashes their mouths together, pushing hard, and at first Tommy tries to pull away but then his arms are around Adam’s neck where they belong and his lips part for Adam’s tongue as sweetly as they ever did in a hundred concerts. That was for show. This is for real.
Then it’s over, Tommy is shoving at him again and turning his face away and Adam is left with a mouthful of bleached hair.
“I’m not going to do this now!” Tommy says, stumbling backwards. “It’s not fair.”
“Fair?” Adam is breathing hard. He can’t believe he did that but he wants it again, right fucking now. Tommy was born to be his, he knows it deep in his heart. No matter who gets hurt, no matter who it fucks up. “When were you fair to me? If you wanted to have a gay experiment I was right fucking there!”
“Do you ever listen? I didn’t do it to hurt you, you self-centered prick!” Tommy yells. “I’m going back,” he says, stomping over to the waterline again.
They don’t talk at all on the way back, separated by sand and silence. Adam feels like a complete chump. He debates with himself whether or not to confess his chump-hood to Brad. He knows he probably will. At least that way he’ll get to talk about Tommy, because right now it looks like he may never again get to talk with Tommy.
When they see the fire ring again, Tommy breaks into a trot and aims right for Shane, who is sitting on a blanket. He pulls Tommy down between his legs so that Tommy can lean against him and warm up.
Brad spies Adam at the edge of the light. Brad always knows. He rises and comes over to Adam and puts an arm around his waist. “What’s up, babe? You look kind of fraught.”
“I’m an idiot.”
“Okay, not news, there’s something else, isn’t there?
“Never mind,” Adam says. “Never fucking mind.”
Tommy’s place
Way after midnight, they're snuggled warmly in bed together, and Shane whispers quietly in Tommy’s ear, “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
Tommy hangs onto Shane tighter, because he never meant any of this to happen. Honestly, he’s pretty sure he didn’t do it on purpose, but now it’s so fucked up, so fucked up.
TBC
Note: Events and timelines are conflated here, merely based on certain RL incidents. It’s fun to use actual incidents in fic but it’s not going to be an exact match. Obviously. Because this is fiction, darlings.
Molly Malone’s
Adam resolves to stalk Tommy. He drags Sauli to the latest Monte gig at Molly Malone’s and they sit in the back wearing knit caps and no jewelry. Adam feels almost bare-naked as he hunches over miserably, trying to make sure that Monte doesn’t spy him out. Tommy is less likely to because Tommy tends to keep his eyes down. He’s a lot more coy with an audience, saving glances for important moments.
Shane and his soccer team-mates have the same idea, apparently, as Adam, although they are arranged right in front of the stage, not trying to hide. Sauli gets excited until Adam whispers to him they’re all straight. Excepting Shane, natch. Not that Adam is watching Shane, no, not at all. He’s here to gawk at Tommy from his hidden position. Tommy looks good, too, so rocker-hot in his black jacket and minimal makeup and bitten-off nail polish.
Monte enjoys talking with the crowd. He observes between songs that there’s more men than usual in the audience.
One of them yells out, “We’re here for the hot bass player!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t make you stand out or anything, pal,” counters Monte.
The female fans cheer and laugh. The men wolf-whistle at Tommy, who deigns to give them a look and flips them off with both hands, mouthing fuck you with a cute little smile on his lips. That just makes the whistles increase.
While the band tears into a song, Adam lets his mind wander, like back in temple when he was a kid and that was the only quiet time in his existence, when Neil had to keep his yap shut.
Tommy is a dilemma and an enigma and the most fucking frustrating person Adam has ever known, for no good reason at all, because Tommy doesn’t do any of that on purpose. No question, though, Tommy’s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Why is that? He’s gorgeous, sure. He’s cute and sweet and cuddly and loving. Even though plenty of other guys seem pretty smitten with Tommy, none seem to be heartbroken as such.
Adam is. He was prepared to live with it quietly for the remainder of his life. He was willing to get by with having Tommy as a friend he could cuddle sometimes, and kiss if there was a stage-gay to play, and guide along the path of nascent stardom. He was willing to assuage his heart with second-best and be strong and respect Tommy’s choices - right up until the second he saw Tommy with a goddamn boyfriend and knew - knew - it could have been him. Should have been. If his head hadn’t been up his own ass.
The sardonic laughter of Sutan and Brad reverberates bitterly in his mind.
When the band is on the last song, Adam drags Sauli quietly out of the place.
Backstage
Shane accosts Tommy while the latter is packing up the Squier, grabbing him from behind and picking him up off the floor.
“Fucker!” Tommy laughs, struggling until Shane sets him back down.
“Get a room,” Monte says mildly as he walks past them.
“Can I watch?” Xander asks snarkily, trailing after Monte.
When they’re gone, Tommy goes up on his toes to give Shane a quick kiss.
“You’re so sexy when you’re playing, you know?” Shane says, squeezing Tommy tight.
Tommy blushes and hides his face against Shane’s shirt. “Shane?”
“What, sweetie?”
“Am I your type?”
“Type?”
“Yeah, you know, like I’m short and small and, I dunno, blond.”
Shane ponders, resting his chin on the top of Tommy’s head. “I don’t think I have a type as such. It’s just you. You’re awesome. I wasn’t even looking for someone, I was so busy with my thesis work, but there you were and you looked so cool and interesting that I couldn’t stop myself. I’m so glad I didn’t.”
Tommy squeezes Shane’s midsection a little. Shane is so good for his confidence. Tommy feels like he’s been taken for granted rather too much lately. Of course his friends like him and they enjoy his company and all, but there’s a feeling of Tommy will do this, Tommy won’t mind that, Tommy’s up for whatever. Which is true, and yet. He wants to matter more than that.
“I love you,” he says quietly. The words pop out of his mouth without running through his brain filter first. No regrets, though.
“I love you, too, Tommy,” Shane answers, not trying to get a look at his face or anything, just letting him be.
Good thing, because Tommy starts to feel panic rising from somewhere deep within his guts. He’d seen Adam in the back of the room but then he didn’t come back to talk with them, and what is up with that? What in fuck is Adam doing?
Santa Monica beach
Brad has no intention of passing up a chance to see Tommy’s studly boyfriend, so he willingly accompanies Adam to the beach party. The ocean is still cold in late May and temperatures drop in the evening. Adam is thankful he isn’t going to look out of place in something other than beach-wear.
Except when he and Brad find the group, at least twenty girls and guys, sure enough they’re all wearing cargo shorts and tanks and swimsuits. Several are ranging over the wet-packed sand, tossing a football.
Then to top it off, down by the surf’s edge, Shane emerges from the ocean like a Greek god in nothing but a pair of low-hanging, garish orange board shorts which are clinging like whoa. He shakes his hair, sending droplets of water everywhere.
“Wow,” says Brad. “Wow.”
Adam follows Brad’s eyes right down to the front of those orange board shorts.
“You’ve got competition in the dick department, honey.”
“Shut up,” Adam says.
“And that’s with shrinkage. That water is cold.”
“Hey, Adam!” Shane hollers, bounding over and sticking out his hand, a big smile on his face just as though Adam hadn’t been rude the first time they met.
After being introduced to Brad, who is seriously pissing off Adam by practically simpering like a ripped-bodice heiress in a saucy romance novel, Shane runs off and finds Tommy near the fire pit, which already has a nice crackly fire underway.
“I hate him,” Adam says conversationally.
“Hard,” agrees Brad. “Lucky Tommy.”
They saunter towards the fire ring. The sun’s not all the way down yet. A couple of bikini-clad women are toweling off and throwing on sweaters. Another is on one guy’s shoulders, getting a ride.
Tommy’s there, too, laughing with the other people near the fire, tiny-looking and so cute; he’s got a Metallica t-shirt on, and his own little-boy board shorts and bare feet. His back is to Adam and Brad but there’s never any mistaking Tommy from any angle.
A beefy man in a muscle tee yells at Shane, “Betcha can’t pick up your boy!”
Shane grins with his blindingly perfect teeth and says, “Dude, you know damn well I can bench two-seventy without breaking a sweat.”
“Pics or it didn’t happen!” chortles Beefy.
“No way,” says Tommy. “I don’t like heights.”
Shane crouches beside Tommy. “Come on! I promise not to drop you. Get on my shoulders.”
Tommy shakes his head.
“My manliness is at stake,” Shane says. He grabs Tommy’s wrist and gives it a shake. Finally Tommy is convinced to climb awkwardly onto Shane’s shoulders. Then Shane grasps Tommy’s calves and rises to his full height in one smooth movement.
“Oh my fucking god,” says Brad, hand splayed against his chest. “Be still, my heart.”
Shane turns around and Tommy spots Adam and Brad. He waves. “Hey, there are my friends,” he says in his awkwardly sweet way.
Adam walks over to Shane and tilts his head up towards Tommy. “How’s the weather up there?”
Tommy giggles. “It’s kind of cool. Being tall, I mean. Hey, I can see San Diego from here.”
“No, you can’t, loony-tunes,” says Adam. “If you fall on your head getting down, it’ll serve you right.”
“Why didn’t you ever give me a shoulder ride, Adam?” Brad asks, smacking Adam’s bicep. “Not manly enough?”
“I don’t need to prove myself,” says Adam. He’s looking right at Shane and realizes maybe he’s still being rude.
Shane shrugs, which jostles Tommy.
“Hey!” Tommy yells, listing precariously and grabbing Shane’s head. “Don’t drop me!”
“Grab my hands,” Shane instructs, pulling Tommy’s hands out of his hair and clasping them firmly, then bending over at the waist.
“Whoa,” Tommy whimpers.
“Do a somersault, it’ll work,” Shane says calmly, and Tommy tumbles off his shoulders in a strange tangle of gangly limbs and the kind of fluid movement he manages on-stage when Adam’s hauling him around by his hair. His knees give out and he’s falling to the sand when Shane pulls him back up. “See? Easy.”
Tommy turns around, laughing and falling back against Shane’s chest, their hands still clasped, their arms twined together around his torso. “Better than a Disneyland ride,” Tommy says when he’s done laughing.
I hate him so fucking hard, Adam thinks to himself sourly. He watches, half turned on and half appalled, as Shane leans over and kisses Tommy’s gorgeous lips. Adam really had thought those lips were his, at least in terms of men versus women. Especially when Shane slips in a bit of tongue action as Tommy melts against him.
“You’re fucked,” Brad whispers in Adam’s ear. “I’m gonna go play manly sports with the big boys and their balls.” He scampers off to join the football-playing contingent.
“You are a sad excuse for a gay man, Bradley Bell!” Adam yells after him.
“That’s harsh, dude,” Shane says, laughing.
Adam turns. Shane’s still got Tommy wrapped up in his arms. Tommy gives Adam a half-panicked look and squirms, earning an odd look from Shane. “You okay, sweetie?” he asks.
“Course I am,” Tommy blurts out. “Think I need some food.”
Shane releases him.
“Tommy, wait,” Adam says, catching Tommy’s wrist.
“Huh? Why?” Tommy doesn’t try to get his wrist free but he does look baffled.
“How about a walk? I haven’t seen you in a few days.” Adam stares firmly at Shane. “You won’t mind, will you? I just want to borrow your boyfriend for a bit.”
“Up to Tommy,” says Shane.
Tommy looks back and forth between them. It’s unfair that he’s small and short and trapped between two tall guys but that’s life. Adam tugs a little on his wrist and Tommy nods.
For the first hundred yards Tommy walks in the surf while Adam avoids it, so they’re too far apart to talk quietly. Fancy Tommy in board shorts, Adam thinks, walking in the ocean. Adam feels like Tommy is getting away from him, becoming someone different while Adam was busy elsewhere. Adam hates that thought. He’s about ready to yank off his boots and roll up his cuffs and join Tommy when Shane comes running up behind them. He’s wearing a sweatshirt and carrying Tommy’s leather jacket.
“Now the sun’s down it’s going to be cold,” Shane says, holding the jacket while Tommy puts his arms in the armholes and then shrugs it on. He has a darling little smile for Shane which is just plain killing Adam.
Don’t kiss him, Adam wills silently.
Shane leans down and kisses Tommy quickly; even as he pulls back, Tommy follows him, keeping their lips together just that much longer. “Stay warm, baby,” Shane says, smacking Tommy’s ass. Tommy yelps and kicks water at him.
Shane chuckles and heads back towards the fire ring, holding out his hand as he passes Adam, and Adam thinks the correct thing to do is a high-five. Yep, that was correct.
They walk northwest in the growing dark by the Palisades. Tommy is a little ahead of Adam and to his left, skirting back and forth when the waves come in or draw back. The shorts and jacket combo looks unbearably adorable. Traffic isn’t too heavy on PCH and the sound of the living, breathing ocean cancels out other sounds. Eventually Tommy comes closer, walking on the firm damp sand left by the outgoing tide. When he gets close enough, he takes Adam’s hand and walks beside him. For another long while they walk without speaking, until Adam can’t bear it any longer.
“I don’t want to hate Shane,” Adam says.
“Why would you want to hate him?” Tommy asks, mystified. “I don’t hate Sauli.”
Adam sighs. “That’s different.”
“It is?” Tommy looks up at him. Even though it’s full dark by now, Tommy’s big eyes gleam in the light from the distant streetlamps.
“I’m gay.”
“Oh.” Tommy’s gaze returns to his own small feet as they plod along on the sand.
Everything about Tommy makes Adam feel so big and clunky: the little feet, the small tense hand in his own, the skinny silhouette. He’s treading dangerous ground now and he knows it. He can’t stop talking like a fool. “It’s not strange for me to have a boyfriend.”
“It’s kind of strange,” Tommy says. “You didn’t use to have one.”
“But I’m gay, Tommy. I’m supposed to have a boyfriend. You’re not.”
Tommy’s silent.
“Tommy? You know what I mean, right? I’m not saying it to be a jackass.” Adam hopes he’s not being a jackass, anyway.
Tommy lifts his shoulder and lets it drop. “I didn’t do it to hurt you, Adam.”
“You didn’t?”
Tommy shakes his head. All Adam can see is long blond bangs.
“Tommy, you never ever said.”
“Said what?”
“Anything! If I’d just known!” He yanks on Tommy’s hand and Tommy stops walking and turns to face him. They’re on a dark part of the beach, all alone, road lights hidden behind a jumble of big rocks. Tommy’s shivering.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Tommy, I could live with it if all I got was a few kisses but you had to go and find yourself a guy. One who kind of looks like me, too. You think that isn’t obvious?”
“Seriously? Pot to kettle, dude.” Tommy tries to pull his hand away. Instead he gets hauled against Adam’s chest and Adam’s other arm goes around his back. “Adam, stop.”
“Fuck, Tommy, if you’ve been gay all along, did you just not want me?”
“Adam -“
“You were lying to me.”
“No,” Tommy says. “I never lied.”
“Then what? When did you get this inclination to, what, explore your sexuality or some such shit?”
Tommy shoves hard and Adam lets him go. Tommy turns his face away and says, softer, “I think I waited a long time without knowing what I was doing.”
“Waited?”
Tommy nods.
“So… now?”
Tommy shakes his head. “Now there’s Shane, and Sauli.”
“Sauli’s leaving.”
Tommy looks genuinely stunned. “He is? It’s over?”
“It’s over. He’s a sweetheart and he’s a friend but he isn’t the one. Do you want to know who the one is?”
Tommy shakes his head again, harder this time. “No. I don’t.”
Adam takes two steps forward and takes Tommy’s face in his hands. That big doe-eyed, deer-in-the-headlights look is back. “You can’t tell me, not now, that this never meant anything.” He mashes their mouths together, pushing hard, and at first Tommy tries to pull away but then his arms are around Adam’s neck where they belong and his lips part for Adam’s tongue as sweetly as they ever did in a hundred concerts. That was for show. This is for real.
Then it’s over, Tommy is shoving at him again and turning his face away and Adam is left with a mouthful of bleached hair.
“I’m not going to do this now!” Tommy says, stumbling backwards. “It’s not fair.”
“Fair?” Adam is breathing hard. He can’t believe he did that but he wants it again, right fucking now. Tommy was born to be his, he knows it deep in his heart. No matter who gets hurt, no matter who it fucks up. “When were you fair to me? If you wanted to have a gay experiment I was right fucking there!”
“Do you ever listen? I didn’t do it to hurt you, you self-centered prick!” Tommy yells. “I’m going back,” he says, stomping over to the waterline again.
They don’t talk at all on the way back, separated by sand and silence. Adam feels like a complete chump. He debates with himself whether or not to confess his chump-hood to Brad. He knows he probably will. At least that way he’ll get to talk about Tommy, because right now it looks like he may never again get to talk with Tommy.
When they see the fire ring again, Tommy breaks into a trot and aims right for Shane, who is sitting on a blanket. He pulls Tommy down between his legs so that Tommy can lean against him and warm up.
Brad spies Adam at the edge of the light. Brad always knows. He rises and comes over to Adam and puts an arm around his waist. “What’s up, babe? You look kind of fraught.”
“I’m an idiot.”
“Okay, not news, there’s something else, isn’t there?
“Never mind,” Adam says. “Never fucking mind.”
Tommy’s place
Way after midnight, they're snuggled warmly in bed together, and Shane whispers quietly in Tommy’s ear, “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
Tommy hangs onto Shane tighter, because he never meant any of this to happen. Honestly, he’s pretty sure he didn’t do it on purpose, but now it’s so fucked up, so fucked up.
TBC