FIC: Lambliff Big Bang Epilogue!
Title: How I Learned My Lesson - Epilogue
Author: Montmorency
Word Count: About 2400k.
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Adam/Tommy
Warnings: None. Schmoopy silly porn.
Summary: Just a little bit extra for the LBB. It came to me after the original posting was done.
Beta: Kisses and hugs to awesome beta leela_cat <3
The next several weeks involve Tommy learning all sorts of lessons about being a gay boytoy for Adam. It’s even more fun than he might have imagined. Adam can get so wild, bossy and possessive. It does something for Tommy’s ego to know he’s it for Adam. He gets blowjobs morning and evening, handjobs during every smuggled shower, candle-lit baths, frottage (it’s French so it’s got to be good), plus his ass eaten out which is so amazing, he never would have predicted. It’s not all one-sided, no sir: now Tommy knows what a really big dick is like in his mouth and if it weren’t Adam’s dick, he’d be grossed out but it is Adam’s dick, thank fuck, so it’s hotter than Hades.
And that’s not the sum of the awesomeness of being Adam’s boyfriend. There are Date Nights. Where sometimes he must go to a rom-com movie to make Adam happy, but that’s fine because what makes Adam happiest is to sit in an isolated area of the theater and make out in the dark. Other Date Nights involve strange new restaurants and nightclubs that Tommy never knew existed before even though he grew up in this town. Sometimes he insists on choosing the Date Night activity and that leads to things like bowling or the creperie at the Farmers Market on Fairfax or bringing takeout Chinese home and watching Dick Van Dyke reruns.
All followed by plenty of sex, of course.
Adam never asks for anything; he waits for Tommy although once he’s sure Tommy will go along, then he’s all like this no like that bend your leg french my ear lick my nipples let me this let me that don’t move come all over me baby.
The rough part is that Tommy can’t share any of this with his guy friends. It’s just not the same as the raunchy conquest of a hot lady in a sleazy bar. Mike and Stan are suspicious that something untoward is going on, given the way they side-eye Tommy these days, but in spite of how clearly desperate they are to ask where he’s been when he shows up on a Sunday morning with days-old clothes and lip-gloss smears on his neck, there is no way he’s ready to share this with them.
He’s reduced to going to Kelsey to discuss the girly details of his quote-unquote relationship. He learns that girl talk is lots of fun; over burgers and fries and shakes at Coco’s he finds himself sharing all kinds of embarrassing and increasingly hotter details with her. They snicker together in whispers until suddenly they have to run out to the parking lot for a post-coital ciggie.
Finally he realizes that Adam is such a sweetheart that he won’t do anything that would be bad. Causing pain is so far down his list of what he wants to do to Tommy that it’s not even on the fucking list, so Tommy’s just about ready to try buttsex. Millions of gay men all over the world can’t be wrong, right?
One evening shortly after coming to this realization, Tommy saunters into the living room, where Adam is slaving away at his mammoth computer system, probably inventing the next Facebook or Twitter. He’s unbelievably cute in his bare feet and dark jeans and sparkly Queen tee-shirt.
Tommy says, “So. Sex.”
Adam’s fingers stop typing. He turns to look at Tommy and gives him a suspicious look.
Tommy raises an eyebrow challengingly. “What if I said my bottom is open for business now? Would that interest you?”
Adam’s eyes narrow. His fingers are still poised above the keyboard. “Is that a trick question?”
Tommy shakes his head. “So, you in?”
“Wow, what an image.” Adam nearly gags with choked laughter. “Bottom can have a lot of meanings.”
“Right, I’m talking about the bottom of my sock drawer.” Tommy reaches out with one finger and pushes on Adam’s shoulder until the chair swivels around just enough so that he can clamber into Adam’s lap, his knees bracketing Adam’s thighs. He drapes his forearms over Adam’s shoulders and looks, smolderingly (he hopes), into Adam’s eyes.
“You’re serious,” Adam says, disbelieving.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“I would.”
“Then take a chance and find out, big guy.”
Adam leans in and traces the outline of Tommy’s lips with his tongue; presses against the seam of Tommy’s lips, and Tommy lets him in. They kiss languidly for a few minutes. There’s not much Tommy loves more than kissing, unless it’s being kissed so thoroughly by Adam. He does have a fucking issue in his pants, though, relating to the tightness and general lack of space for expansion.
He draws back enough to favor Adam with another sultry look. “Take me to bed?”
Adam doesn’t hesitate. He plants his hands under Tommy’s ass and stands up so fast that the chair rolls away and bangs into a bookcase; so fast that Tommy gets a little light-headed and clutches wildly at Adam’s neck to keep from falling. He’s not used to being picked up like that, okay? Oblivious, Adam marches them down the little hallway and into the bedroom. Par for the course: he tosses Tommy on the bed.
“God damn it,” says Tommy. “Fucking caveman.”
“This is your fantasy, admit it,” Adam says, grabbing the waist of Tommy’s jeans and pulling them down hard, still zipped up. Only the decided lack of ass makes it work, until Adam gets to the boots.
Tommy props himself on his elbows and looks down his body to Adam, who is at the foot of the bed, hands still on Tommy’s jeans, ready to erupt in laughter. Amazingly, his briefs are still clinging to his narrow hips. “This is another fine mess you’ve got us into,” Tommy says drily.
The laughter bubbles out of Adam. “Don’t say that! You sound like my dad watching those old TV shows!”
“Oops, there went my boner.”
Adam works on getting one of Tommy’s boots off. “Do you have to use words like that? So romantic.”
“What do you want me to call it? My hard drive?”
The boot thuds to the floor. Adam looks down his nose at Tommy. “Why not just erection?” He has Tommy’s other foot in his hand now, pulling at the second boot.
“So New Age,” Tommy scoffs.
That boot hits the floor and then the jeans are whisked off. Next go the socks. Adam crawls onto the bed and up to where Tommy is, perching nearby and leaning over to peck him on the mouth. “Hi, my name is Adam and I’m from the computer place? I need to inspect your hard drive.”
Tommy snorts and shoves at his shoulder.
“I’d also like to upgrade your RAM,” Adam adds.
They exchange deeply meaningful glances and then dissolve into giggles. Tommy leans his head against Adam’s shoulder and then he’s taken up into Adam’s arms and surrounded by Adam’s smell, and Adam is kissing him deeply, hands going under his tee-shirt and roaming over his sides and back.
“Adam,” Tommy breathes, twisting to get closer, twining his arms around Adam’s neck. “You can do anything, anything.”
One of Adam’s arms reaches blindly for the small bookshelf by the bedside. After much clattering he dumps a tube of Wet and a condom packet on the pillow. He nuzzles Tommy’s neck right under his ear. “I’m going to make it so good for you, baby.”
“I know,” Tommy whispers, pulling at Adam’s shirt. “Just do it slow, okay?” He gets the shirt over Adam’s head and off and then reaches immediately for all that skin with its lovely freckles. Not that the freckles can be seen in the relative dark, but he knows they’re there. Adam is lean and his skin is kind of soft, covered in ticklish hair. Tommy needs it against his own skin right the fuck now. He peels off his tee and drops it over the side of the bed, then skins off his underwear. He reaches for Adam’s belt and zipper and finds him going commando. Who knew computer geeks could be so fucking sexy? Sexy geek or not, though, there’s a battalion of butterflies flapping around anxiously in Tommy’s stomach. He’s not going to say it out loud but fuck he is really kind of nervous.
When they’re naked, Adam pushes Tommy down gently and crawls over his body. Some Wet gets squelched onto his fingers. He lies down alongside Tommy, putting one arm around him. “Okay, baby, it would help if your legs were open.”
“Don’t make fun of me. This is my ass we’re talking about.”
Adam hovers, leans down, presses their mouths together briefly. “I’m not making fun of you. Now just lie back and think of Burbank.”
Tommy doesn’t get the reference; Adam tends to use obscure references and it’s not the right time to ask for an explanation. He’s pretty sure Adam is still making fun of him, though. But he doesn’t mind. He can dish it out pretty well himself.
It’s the world’s weirdest feeling when Adam’s finger, cool with slick, is brushing his hole. He cants his leg further. It’s even weirder when the finger goes inside. So far he’s not getting the appeal. Adam kisses him, though, and that’s nice, and after a while he realizes that there’s probably more than one finger in there, just gently pushing in and out, a little deeper, and that’s starting to feel nice, too. The fingers slip out and suddenly it feels oddly empty.
“It’ll be lots easier if you’re on your tummy,” Adam whispers in his ear.
“But… wait,” Tommy says, trying to process.
“Lots easier.” Adam pushes at him gently, and when Tommy doesn’t go, Adam turns him over, shoving a pillow beneath his hips.
Great, now his dick has nothing but a super-soft down pillow for friction. “Adam,“ he whines.
“Shh.”
He hears the condom packet ripping, then the unmistakable sound of a condom unrolling. He knows exactly how big that dick is. Something in his stomach clenches. He tries to turn over again. Another plaintive Adam is all he gets out before he feels Adam between his legs back there, a hand pulling his hip up a little, and something against his hole. “Relax,” Adam says, “just relax.”
Yeah right, you relax, Tommy thinks just as it goes in a whole lot more smoothly than he would have imagined. “Ow,” he says experimentally.
Adam goes rigid. “Does it hurt?”
“Not really? Just odd.” Tommy wiggles his ass a little. “Wow.” There’s a dick inside him and it’s not really comfortable, but it’s not bad, and he still has a nice boner. Mostly it feels amazingly intimate. Even though Tommy scoffs at that New Age-y word, he loves being naked with Adam. Some day, he thinks, some day… no more condoms. He wiggles again because the uncomfortable feeling is fading, being replaced by a pleasant sensation of fullness.
Adam kisses the center of his spine. “Stop squirming around, gorgeous. Let me do the work.” He wraps around Tommy, one hand holding Tommy’s hand on the sheets, another holding his hip firmly. He slides in deeper and then out nearly the entire way.
Tommy gasps. “No, I’m okay,” he says quickly. “It’s just - fuck.” It’s not that different from cuddling and being the little spoon, the way Adam is surrounding him, covering him, protecting him. He admits to himself, deep inside where no one can see or know or make fun of him, that he likes being taken care of. He likes Adam’s bossiness and his concern for Tommy’s pleasure. If that makes Tommy a girl, so be it, what the fuck ever. He can live with that a lot better than he can live without Adam.
“Fuck good or fuck bad?” Adam asks.
“Fuck fuck,” Tommy supplies unhelpfully.
“Does that mean…?”
“Yeah, go ahead and fuck me.” Tommy’s even sure he means it. His free hand clenches and unclenches at the sheets next to the pillow that his face is resting against. The hand on his hip pulls him up higher, partly on his knees. The pillow is dragged from under him. Hey, that pillow wasn’t much but goddamn now his dick has nothing. He doesn’t have the breath to protest, though, because Adam is thrusting against him, pushing in deeper each time. Tommy wasn’t expecting to get harder just from that. It’s weird to be on this end of the fucking but he understands how it feels to be the one doing it. The thought of how Adam must love fucking him hits him hard, like a gut-punch. After that it’s all good; it feels incredible.
Adam is moaning and that’s sexy as fuck, too.
“Honey,” Adam whispers, “Tommy, Tommy.”
Adam’s hand leaves Tommy’s hip and fists his dick. The sensation is too much; Tommy comes almost immediately and everything goes dark.
Tommy props an eye open. He’s still on his front, his cheek smashed against a pillow, his ass in the air and, as far as he can tell, Adam’s dick still inside. Adam is whispering urgently against his ear, “Tommy, are you okay?”
“Um, yeah?” Tommy says softly. “I think I went away for a moment. It felt so good.”
Adam laughs quietly. “Thank god.”
“Did you - you know?”
“Yes, I did.” Adam slaps Tommy’s ass lightly and pulls out with a porny squelching sound. Next there’s the sound of a rubber being tied off.
“This position isn’t so awesome,” Tommy complains. He’s way too worn out to move, though.
Adam manhandles Tommy around until they are lying on the bed together, Tommy snuggled under Adam’s chin, trapped by his arms and legs. Adam flicks the comforter over them. “Hey, cutie,” he says, rubbing his chin against the top of Tommy’s head. “You know how much I love you?”
Tommy snorfles and shifts, getting more comfortable. “Uh huh. You realize I was actually talking about the bottom of my sock drawer, right?”
Adam laughs and kisses Tommy’s hair. “Whatever you say, baby.”
Tommy smiles to himself. If Adam ever checks the bottom of that drawer, he’s going to find a bag of M&Ms and a string of condoms. Plus which? Tommy likes being called baby. Just saying.
Author: Montmorency
Word Count: About 2400k.
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Adam/Tommy
Warnings: None. Schmoopy silly porn.
Summary: Just a little bit extra for the LBB. It came to me after the original posting was done.
Beta: Kisses and hugs to awesome beta leela_cat <3
The next several weeks involve Tommy learning all sorts of lessons about being a gay boytoy for Adam. It’s even more fun than he might have imagined. Adam can get so wild, bossy and possessive. It does something for Tommy’s ego to know he’s it for Adam. He gets blowjobs morning and evening, handjobs during every smuggled shower, candle-lit baths, frottage (it’s French so it’s got to be good), plus his ass eaten out which is so amazing, he never would have predicted. It’s not all one-sided, no sir: now Tommy knows what a really big dick is like in his mouth and if it weren’t Adam’s dick, he’d be grossed out but it is Adam’s dick, thank fuck, so it’s hotter than Hades.
And that’s not the sum of the awesomeness of being Adam’s boyfriend. There are Date Nights. Where sometimes he must go to a rom-com movie to make Adam happy, but that’s fine because what makes Adam happiest is to sit in an isolated area of the theater and make out in the dark. Other Date Nights involve strange new restaurants and nightclubs that Tommy never knew existed before even though he grew up in this town. Sometimes he insists on choosing the Date Night activity and that leads to things like bowling or the creperie at the Farmers Market on Fairfax or bringing takeout Chinese home and watching Dick Van Dyke reruns.
All followed by plenty of sex, of course.
Adam never asks for anything; he waits for Tommy although once he’s sure Tommy will go along, then he’s all like this no like that bend your leg french my ear lick my nipples let me this let me that don’t move come all over me baby.
The rough part is that Tommy can’t share any of this with his guy friends. It’s just not the same as the raunchy conquest of a hot lady in a sleazy bar. Mike and Stan are suspicious that something untoward is going on, given the way they side-eye Tommy these days, but in spite of how clearly desperate they are to ask where he’s been when he shows up on a Sunday morning with days-old clothes and lip-gloss smears on his neck, there is no way he’s ready to share this with them.
He’s reduced to going to Kelsey to discuss the girly details of his quote-unquote relationship. He learns that girl talk is lots of fun; over burgers and fries and shakes at Coco’s he finds himself sharing all kinds of embarrassing and increasingly hotter details with her. They snicker together in whispers until suddenly they have to run out to the parking lot for a post-coital ciggie.
Finally he realizes that Adam is such a sweetheart that he won’t do anything that would be bad. Causing pain is so far down his list of what he wants to do to Tommy that it’s not even on the fucking list, so Tommy’s just about ready to try buttsex. Millions of gay men all over the world can’t be wrong, right?
One evening shortly after coming to this realization, Tommy saunters into the living room, where Adam is slaving away at his mammoth computer system, probably inventing the next Facebook or Twitter. He’s unbelievably cute in his bare feet and dark jeans and sparkly Queen tee-shirt.
Tommy says, “So. Sex.”
Adam’s fingers stop typing. He turns to look at Tommy and gives him a suspicious look.
Tommy raises an eyebrow challengingly. “What if I said my bottom is open for business now? Would that interest you?”
Adam’s eyes narrow. His fingers are still poised above the keyboard. “Is that a trick question?”
Tommy shakes his head. “So, you in?”
“Wow, what an image.” Adam nearly gags with choked laughter. “Bottom can have a lot of meanings.”
“Right, I’m talking about the bottom of my sock drawer.” Tommy reaches out with one finger and pushes on Adam’s shoulder until the chair swivels around just enough so that he can clamber into Adam’s lap, his knees bracketing Adam’s thighs. He drapes his forearms over Adam’s shoulders and looks, smolderingly (he hopes), into Adam’s eyes.
“You’re serious,” Adam says, disbelieving.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“I would.”
“Then take a chance and find out, big guy.”
Adam leans in and traces the outline of Tommy’s lips with his tongue; presses against the seam of Tommy’s lips, and Tommy lets him in. They kiss languidly for a few minutes. There’s not much Tommy loves more than kissing, unless it’s being kissed so thoroughly by Adam. He does have a fucking issue in his pants, though, relating to the tightness and general lack of space for expansion.
He draws back enough to favor Adam with another sultry look. “Take me to bed?”
Adam doesn’t hesitate. He plants his hands under Tommy’s ass and stands up so fast that the chair rolls away and bangs into a bookcase; so fast that Tommy gets a little light-headed and clutches wildly at Adam’s neck to keep from falling. He’s not used to being picked up like that, okay? Oblivious, Adam marches them down the little hallway and into the bedroom. Par for the course: he tosses Tommy on the bed.
“God damn it,” says Tommy. “Fucking caveman.”
“This is your fantasy, admit it,” Adam says, grabbing the waist of Tommy’s jeans and pulling them down hard, still zipped up. Only the decided lack of ass makes it work, until Adam gets to the boots.
Tommy props himself on his elbows and looks down his body to Adam, who is at the foot of the bed, hands still on Tommy’s jeans, ready to erupt in laughter. Amazingly, his briefs are still clinging to his narrow hips. “This is another fine mess you’ve got us into,” Tommy says drily.
The laughter bubbles out of Adam. “Don’t say that! You sound like my dad watching those old TV shows!”
“Oops, there went my boner.”
Adam works on getting one of Tommy’s boots off. “Do you have to use words like that? So romantic.”
“What do you want me to call it? My hard drive?”
The boot thuds to the floor. Adam looks down his nose at Tommy. “Why not just erection?” He has Tommy’s other foot in his hand now, pulling at the second boot.
“So New Age,” Tommy scoffs.
That boot hits the floor and then the jeans are whisked off. Next go the socks. Adam crawls onto the bed and up to where Tommy is, perching nearby and leaning over to peck him on the mouth. “Hi, my name is Adam and I’m from the computer place? I need to inspect your hard drive.”
Tommy snorts and shoves at his shoulder.
“I’d also like to upgrade your RAM,” Adam adds.
They exchange deeply meaningful glances and then dissolve into giggles. Tommy leans his head against Adam’s shoulder and then he’s taken up into Adam’s arms and surrounded by Adam’s smell, and Adam is kissing him deeply, hands going under his tee-shirt and roaming over his sides and back.
“Adam,” Tommy breathes, twisting to get closer, twining his arms around Adam’s neck. “You can do anything, anything.”
One of Adam’s arms reaches blindly for the small bookshelf by the bedside. After much clattering he dumps a tube of Wet and a condom packet on the pillow. He nuzzles Tommy’s neck right under his ear. “I’m going to make it so good for you, baby.”
“I know,” Tommy whispers, pulling at Adam’s shirt. “Just do it slow, okay?” He gets the shirt over Adam’s head and off and then reaches immediately for all that skin with its lovely freckles. Not that the freckles can be seen in the relative dark, but he knows they’re there. Adam is lean and his skin is kind of soft, covered in ticklish hair. Tommy needs it against his own skin right the fuck now. He peels off his tee and drops it over the side of the bed, then skins off his underwear. He reaches for Adam’s belt and zipper and finds him going commando. Who knew computer geeks could be so fucking sexy? Sexy geek or not, though, there’s a battalion of butterflies flapping around anxiously in Tommy’s stomach. He’s not going to say it out loud but fuck he is really kind of nervous.
When they’re naked, Adam pushes Tommy down gently and crawls over his body. Some Wet gets squelched onto his fingers. He lies down alongside Tommy, putting one arm around him. “Okay, baby, it would help if your legs were open.”
“Don’t make fun of me. This is my ass we’re talking about.”
Adam hovers, leans down, presses their mouths together briefly. “I’m not making fun of you. Now just lie back and think of Burbank.”
Tommy doesn’t get the reference; Adam tends to use obscure references and it’s not the right time to ask for an explanation. He’s pretty sure Adam is still making fun of him, though. But he doesn’t mind. He can dish it out pretty well himself.
It’s the world’s weirdest feeling when Adam’s finger, cool with slick, is brushing his hole. He cants his leg further. It’s even weirder when the finger goes inside. So far he’s not getting the appeal. Adam kisses him, though, and that’s nice, and after a while he realizes that there’s probably more than one finger in there, just gently pushing in and out, a little deeper, and that’s starting to feel nice, too. The fingers slip out and suddenly it feels oddly empty.
“It’ll be lots easier if you’re on your tummy,” Adam whispers in his ear.
“But… wait,” Tommy says, trying to process.
“Lots easier.” Adam pushes at him gently, and when Tommy doesn’t go, Adam turns him over, shoving a pillow beneath his hips.
Great, now his dick has nothing but a super-soft down pillow for friction. “Adam,“ he whines.
“Shh.”
He hears the condom packet ripping, then the unmistakable sound of a condom unrolling. He knows exactly how big that dick is. Something in his stomach clenches. He tries to turn over again. Another plaintive Adam is all he gets out before he feels Adam between his legs back there, a hand pulling his hip up a little, and something against his hole. “Relax,” Adam says, “just relax.”
Yeah right, you relax, Tommy thinks just as it goes in a whole lot more smoothly than he would have imagined. “Ow,” he says experimentally.
Adam goes rigid. “Does it hurt?”
“Not really? Just odd.” Tommy wiggles his ass a little. “Wow.” There’s a dick inside him and it’s not really comfortable, but it’s not bad, and he still has a nice boner. Mostly it feels amazingly intimate. Even though Tommy scoffs at that New Age-y word, he loves being naked with Adam. Some day, he thinks, some day… no more condoms. He wiggles again because the uncomfortable feeling is fading, being replaced by a pleasant sensation of fullness.
Adam kisses the center of his spine. “Stop squirming around, gorgeous. Let me do the work.” He wraps around Tommy, one hand holding Tommy’s hand on the sheets, another holding his hip firmly. He slides in deeper and then out nearly the entire way.
Tommy gasps. “No, I’m okay,” he says quickly. “It’s just - fuck.” It’s not that different from cuddling and being the little spoon, the way Adam is surrounding him, covering him, protecting him. He admits to himself, deep inside where no one can see or know or make fun of him, that he likes being taken care of. He likes Adam’s bossiness and his concern for Tommy’s pleasure. If that makes Tommy a girl, so be it, what the fuck ever. He can live with that a lot better than he can live without Adam.
“Fuck good or fuck bad?” Adam asks.
“Fuck fuck,” Tommy supplies unhelpfully.
“Does that mean…?”
“Yeah, go ahead and fuck me.” Tommy’s even sure he means it. His free hand clenches and unclenches at the sheets next to the pillow that his face is resting against. The hand on his hip pulls him up higher, partly on his knees. The pillow is dragged from under him. Hey, that pillow wasn’t much but goddamn now his dick has nothing. He doesn’t have the breath to protest, though, because Adam is thrusting against him, pushing in deeper each time. Tommy wasn’t expecting to get harder just from that. It’s weird to be on this end of the fucking but he understands how it feels to be the one doing it. The thought of how Adam must love fucking him hits him hard, like a gut-punch. After that it’s all good; it feels incredible.
Adam is moaning and that’s sexy as fuck, too.
“Honey,” Adam whispers, “Tommy, Tommy.”
Adam’s hand leaves Tommy’s hip and fists his dick. The sensation is too much; Tommy comes almost immediately and everything goes dark.
Tommy props an eye open. He’s still on his front, his cheek smashed against a pillow, his ass in the air and, as far as he can tell, Adam’s dick still inside. Adam is whispering urgently against his ear, “Tommy, are you okay?”
“Um, yeah?” Tommy says softly. “I think I went away for a moment. It felt so good.”
Adam laughs quietly. “Thank god.”
“Did you - you know?”
“Yes, I did.” Adam slaps Tommy’s ass lightly and pulls out with a porny squelching sound. Next there’s the sound of a rubber being tied off.
“This position isn’t so awesome,” Tommy complains. He’s way too worn out to move, though.
Adam manhandles Tommy around until they are lying on the bed together, Tommy snuggled under Adam’s chin, trapped by his arms and legs. Adam flicks the comforter over them. “Hey, cutie,” he says, rubbing his chin against the top of Tommy’s head. “You know how much I love you?”
Tommy snorfles and shifts, getting more comfortable. “Uh huh. You realize I was actually talking about the bottom of my sock drawer, right?”
Adam laughs and kisses Tommy’s hair. “Whatever you say, baby.”
Tommy smiles to himself. If Adam ever checks the bottom of that drawer, he’s going to find a bag of M&Ms and a string of condoms. Plus which? Tommy likes being called baby. Just saying.