On Moving...
I went to my fifth graduation at my college today. It was almost exactly the same as the last four years. Pomp and Circumstance played on a loop through speakers. The pipe band. The alma mater at the end. The only things that were really different were the weather, which was god awful, and the fact that this is probably the last graduation I will go to.
Whenever something in my life changes, I always play the "last" game. "This is the last time [insert event here] will happen." It sucks because it puts a large significance on trivial events that they never live up to. It ends up suffocating perfectly good experiences, by shoving a context on them they don't need. I have been forcing myself not to play that game with things as I get ready to move. Well, today I failed. Failed with tears.
On the upside I didn't get weepy over the last time I used the electric toothbrush. I cried because I realized as I was hugging one of my dear just graduated friends, we realized that it would probably be the last tine we would see each other before I moved in two months. I felt like I was cutting the umbilical cord between myself and college (the institution) and college (the support network). And it was scary and sad to think neither of those things will not be as readily available to me as they are now.
I loved school. It pushed me to be the kind of person I never thought I could be when I first came. But it also broke something inside of me that I can't fix living here. And I hate my college experience for that. Because I've met so many wonderful people here that I can't deal with having relationships with right now. I know this is running away, but I also know I need more space than I could allow myself to take here to deal with everything. And also that if I want to change, living in a place that hasn't really changed since I moved here 21 years ago is worst place I could be.
So, in this spirit, I am only going to keep this account until I move. After that, I will be posting (hopefully more regularly) at circa_eve. Most of the postings will be about fannish things, although I am sure I will also talk about how life is on the other side of the country.
Whenever something in my life changes, I always play the "last" game. "This is the last time [insert event here] will happen." It sucks because it puts a large significance on trivial events that they never live up to. It ends up suffocating perfectly good experiences, by shoving a context on them they don't need. I have been forcing myself not to play that game with things as I get ready to move. Well, today I failed. Failed with tears.
On the upside I didn't get weepy over the last time I used the electric toothbrush. I cried because I realized as I was hugging one of my dear just graduated friends, we realized that it would probably be the last tine we would see each other before I moved in two months. I felt like I was cutting the umbilical cord between myself and college (the institution) and college (the support network). And it was scary and sad to think neither of those things will not be as readily available to me as they are now.
I loved school. It pushed me to be the kind of person I never thought I could be when I first came. But it also broke something inside of me that I can't fix living here. And I hate my college experience for that. Because I've met so many wonderful people here that I can't deal with having relationships with right now. I know this is running away, but I also know I need more space than I could allow myself to take here to deal with everything. And also that if I want to change, living in a place that hasn't really changed since I moved here 21 years ago is worst place I could be.
So, in this spirit, I am only going to keep this account until I move. After that, I will be posting (hopefully more regularly) at circa_eve. Most of the postings will be about fannish things, although I am sure I will also talk about how life is on the other side of the country.