(no subject)
Last night was a good night until I got home and found out some pretty disturbing news. Chelly told me something...something I thought I would never hear about. You always hear of that 'locker room talk' but you never think boys are that crude and rude to people they "care about". oh you can be wrong....very very wrong.
I will go into explicit detail because I feel like it. Darin said something to the entire lax bus about our sex life. Now you may think of it's just a boy being a boy. No he said something in very explicit detail that shouldn't be told to anyone. Nevermind complete strangers who don't even know me and will formulate opinions of me on that. I asked Darin how open he was about our sex life. He told me not really just joking around with the boys. Little did he know that I knew what was said. He tried to play it off in the "I'm sorry, but not really". I've never felt so disrespected in my entire life. I was completely and totally disgusted with him. Honestly I felt like he couldn't really care either way. He called me and kept saying,"i'm sorry", but I think we are all old enough to be able to tell the difference between someone who regrets what they did and is just saying it because they want you to hear it.
Now I couldn't even talk to him I was so upset and of course I played it off as anger because being angry is easier than being hurt...being stabbed right in the feelings. He called me and I figured I knew I better talk this through because I wouldn't be able to sleep. He gets on the phone and must've talked for like 3 minutes straight about how sorry he was, but he kept excusing it and saying,"it wasn't meant to hurt you." Obviously it wasn't meant to hurt my feelings because he thought I would never hear it about it. He was blaming everyone else that I found out because he was pissed off he got caught. I think Chelly says it best when she says,"He's not sorry. He's just sorry he got caught". I completely and totall agree with that. I told him that too and he's all like,"no". Frankly I deserve to be treated better than a piece of ass, and I never thought he would say something like that. I was practically in tears by the end of the conversation because it was going absolutely nowhere. None of what I was saying was coming through. The thing that bothered me the most is he didn't see the big deal with it. He didn't think it was disrepectful to me at all. I was getting really frustrated and he kept interupting me. Finally I was like,"would you just shut up and let me say what I have to say". He wouldn't respond to anything so I just said,"okay fine. this is so pointless and im tired. im going to bed. bye" and hung up the phone
Then I call him back because when he had that little freak out at me about how he hates when I get short and snappy. I called him back to say,"i love you and goodnight". He started with the,"I love you Charlene, and I do really care about it. I don't like when I make you cry and that was never my intention." I explained why I was so upset and he backed down. He just said yeah I was being a dick. Now what I don't understand is why he couldn't say that in the first place. I expected him to stick up for me if someone said something about me not sit around and have a laugh at my expense. Just the other night he said,"you know Charlene. You're right. You deserve to be treated better than I have been treating you. I'm going to try harder." He did say,"I'm glad this is over, but I know it wont really be over for a long time." I have to give him credit for not being a completely stupid asshole with zero feelings.
I've noticed that he isn't all sweet and snuggly with me anymore. He doesn't say he misses me or any of that cute stuff that he used to say. Lately I've been feeling like he wouldn't even really notice if I was gone. That hurts a lot. My mom came in to see if I was alright last night. I told her the story and she said,"When your dad and I got married the justice of tehg peace gave us each a candle.He said not to ever go to bed mad at each other and to put this candle by each of their bedside to themselves that." She said what he meant was not to completely make amends and to forgive and forget, but to make sure that you know that you care about each other and you're going to work through in the near future, but it's too emtional right now. I wonder if they still kept their candles.
Anyways this has been really long and I need to go get ready for work, but this was a much needed venting entry.