Call for public editing

[moonroach1]

This is my letter to Rumple Minze's parent company regarding possible sponsorship for Cheap Date. Something about it just doesn't give me the usual satisfied feeling I get when I write a letter though. It needs improvement somewhere, and I can't for the life of me figure out where.

http://www.cheapdaterocks.com/diageo.doc

Any help will be

Comments

[the_becster]

I think you need to introduce who the band is in the begining rather than the end, and ask for the sponsor ship opportunities at the end...

(really rough copy and pasting of your letter...)

I represent the New Jersey-based rock band Cheap Date, a five-piece ensemble that plays in bars and clubs throughout the mid-Atlantic region of the United States and our website is currently viewed by an average of over one hundred people per day. Our members traditionally drink shots of Rumple Minze between our sets. We are all very fond of this schnapps, and have taken to dubbing it “the official drink of Cheap Date.” We were wondering if your company offers any sponsorship opportunities for organizations interested in promoting your product.

but then again I don't know much about writing letters...