an abridged fiction: LOLBADTINGS
Okay, please, please, please do not read this if you have not read lynnearlington 's awesome, amazing fic They Say Bad Things Happen for a Reason, because you will get so spoiled you don't even know. And if you haven't read it, you totally should, because more things could be in the works for this 'verse, and I beta-d the tail end of it so I promise it's good. Okay? Okay. So read that if you haven't, and THEN you can read this.
This is the LOL version of They Say Bad Things Happen for a Reason. It's been in the works for a while now, actually - I've been summing up the fic in these funny little statements for a while now. This totally has Lynne's approval, I swear, and um, as a warning, there's excessive caps lock and serious abuse of the English language in the form of curse words. But people seem to think it's funny, sooooo. Here you go :D
Oh, and also! The title is supposed to be read in a Jamaican accent.
LOLBADTINGS
(the abridged They Say Bad Things Happen for a Reason)
chapter uno
Santana loves things, like the bottom of a glass of scotch. Not that she ever sees it.
Her bff is Quinn Fabray who’s married to crazy midget girl Rachel Berry, and her best lesbro is Puckles and they like solve crimes and shoot shit and it’s all pretty fucking badass.
Except, Santana’s life is like this: ANGSSSSSSST. Because her hot dancer girlfriend of indiscriminate last name origin left her and life sucks because she took their badass cocker spaniel with her. SHE’S ALL ALONE, THERE’S NO ONE THERE BESIDE HERRRRRRR
And then everything goes to shit.
chapter dos.
Santana and Puckles steal THE CASE from those other two cop dudes who probably look hot as fuck in those police uniforms. Except, she’s a total beaver lover, so that’s all for naught.
Santana angsts some more because she neglected to realize that seeing Brittany would do crazy shit to her brainz. Britt’s like I MISS YOU with her eyes and San’s like OMG I NEED TO GET DRUNK FIND MY BFF QUINN.
Hot lesbian sex occurs. You are obviously not a human being if you don’t get turned on by it.
S wakes up to find Q and her midget wife making out like two horny teenagers (coughforeshadowingcough) and Q’s like BITCH STEP OFF MY WIFE AND GET YO SHIT TOGETHER and S is like BITCH YOU DON’T KNOW ME YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE and Rachel’s just like I LOOK LIKE HOT SHIT IN MY WIFE’S DRESS SHIRT AND I’M REALLY HORNY
(coughcough)
chapter tres.
Santana comes back home to find her badass dog named Nemo. He will quickly become the breakout star of this story.
Turns out, Britt’s apartment got robbed and she took her dog and fucking ran for Santana’s and Santana’s like FML but HEY NEMO I MISSED YOU while Britt’s like I’M MAKIN’ WAFFLES.
Then she takes a nap. Naps are important.
Then she calls her BFF Quinn who brings her midget wife to dinner and Santana drinks and Brittany drinks and Quinn drinks and you’ll quickly realize that drinking is a theme and that someone does not drink if you pay attention. Just sayin’.
Midget wife Rachel makes a good point and Santana’s like WHAT EVEN BERRY WHY ARE YOU MAKING GOOD POINTS and S is then like, SHIT PIKE IS AFTER ME AND THEREFORE AFTER BRITTANY SHIT SHIT SHIT
Pike is like IMMA COME AFTER YOU AND YOUR PRETTY LITTLE GIRLFRIEND. AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!
There is snuggling. Santana’s like FUCK I LOVE SNUGGLING.
chapter cuatro.
S hates feelings. She has too many of them. She is going to drink them away with her BFF Quinn.
Santana gets a letter and it’s like LOL I’M SO STALKING YOUR GIRLFRIEND NA NA NA NA
Santana does not like this very much.
She’s all BRITT YOU GOTTA STAY HERE AND BE SAFE BUT SRSLY I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU OKAY
Britt’s like OKAY SURE WHATEVS I’LL STAY HERE, SO WHATCHA WANNA DO NOW?
Santana’s like SHIT.
chapter cinco.
They totally have sex.
They totally break up.
Once more with feeling: S hates feelings. She has too many of them. She is going to drink them away with her BFF Quinn.
chapter seis.
Puck shows up and totally kills Santana’s buzz and gives Quinn an envelope and Q is like I AM ABOUT TO KILL THIS MOTHAFUCKA.
S is like LOL RACHEL AND BRITTANY ARE IN THIS PIC TOGETHER BUT SRSLY WHO WOULD WANT TO KIDNAP YOUR MIDGET SIDEKICK Q, SHE’D LIKE ANNOY THEM OFF A CLIFF - FUCKING OW!
Quinn has a pretty nice bitchslap.
S goes home and is like YOU TWO FUCKHEADS CAN GTFO to those two hot shit officers and then she goes to sleep. There’s more snuggling.
They wake up and Santana’s like OMG FEELINGS I’M DYING OKAY BITCH I FUCKING LOVE YOU STILL
And Britt’s like YEAH I LOVE YOU TOO STILL
chapter siete.
Puck is like LOOK AT THIS SHIT ON THE PHOTO
Pike’s like HA HA I’M COMING AFTER MIDGET SIDEKICK TOO
And S is like SHIT MAN NOW I HAVE TO GO DEAL WITH MAH BFF QUINN
Nemo is also hanging around, being adorbz.
S goes to the Faberry household with her imaginary gayhat in hand is like LOL SORRY I WAS ALL DRUNKED
And then Q is like WHATEVS BITCH I LOVE YOU HEY RACHEL WOULD IT BE COOL IF I LIKE LOCKED YOU IN THIS APARTMENT FOREVER BECAUSE PIKE IS LIKE AFTER YOU
Rachel’s like LOLNO
Then Rachel gets hit by a car and the shit really hits the fan.
chapter ocho.
Santana doesn’t like her own feelings, Q, what makes you think she wants to deal with yours?
Quinn also has a strong right hook. Santana should really learn these things before she lets people go beating the shit out of her.
Quinn is like ZOMG WHAT IS MY LIFE WITHOUT MY RACHEL ZOMG
Quinn really loves Rachel and if Santana were a sappier person, she would be like, THAT’S UBER CUTE.
Luckily, Santana hates feelings so she doesn’t have to say shit like that.
There’s more hot lesbian sex. Srsly, you should be like, halfway to your cold shower by now. Have some batteries.
Puck’s like SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR AFTERGLOW BUT THE MIDGET SIDEKICK IS AWAKE
And then there’s like thunder and a DUN DUN DUNNNNN
chapter nueve.
Santana actually secretly loves her BFF’s midget sidekick but don’t tell anyone okay. She hates feelings.
Rachel is like, helpful and Santana hates it.
MOAR CLIFFHANGERS YOU GUISE.
chapter diez.
Santana still hates feelings, but feelings aren’t so bad when she has a hot flexible dancer girlfriend.
Santana and her lesbro Puckles hit up this creepy warehouse place that has a creepy shrine to her and her BFF Quinn and her hot flexible dancer girlfriend and Quinn’s midget sidekick wife person thing.
Santana and Puckles are like LOLWHUT?
SHIT EXPLODES ONTO PUCK’S FACE.
Santana gets home from the hospital and Britt’s gone and she’s like NOOOOOOOOOO.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN.
chapter once
Santana’s like NOOOOOO and then Britt and Nemo walk in like LOLWHUTUPWICHOO
Santana’s like FUUUUU FEELINGS
Naps are really important, you guise. If you’re tired, take a nap. Words of advice.
Did you know Santana’s parents died in a horrific car crash that Santana feels is too clean and precise?
Yeah, you guise. This shit is important.
Q and her midget sidekick drugged up wife show up and Q’s like SHIT MAN I’M LIKE ALL SHOOK UP
S is like I LOVE YOU MAH BFF QUINN THIS SHIT WILL BE OKAY
Then Britt sees Q’s dad in a creepster picture of Pike’s and Q is like FUCK MY LIFE.
Santana’s like SHIT.
chapter doce.
Pike is like MWHAHAHA I STALK YOU
Santana chases him all over the place and then loses him and feels dumb and then Puck makes her feel more dumb because he’s like WTF SANTANA DUDE SCREWED UP MY HOTASS FACE
There’s even more lesbian sex. I hope your bunk is comfortable, because you keep ending up there.
chapter trece.
Santana wakes up and Britt’s like I’M MAKIN’ WAFFLES and Rachel’s high on her pills and horny (again, and pay attention please) and Quinn’s like LOLWHUT BUT OKAY
Strange but presumably relevant flashback that you should probably pay attention to.
One of the hot shit officers is like UM HEY BIG EVIL OVERLORD FABRAY VISITED PIKE IN PRISON UM THAT’S WEIRD RIGHT
Santana’s like FUUUUUU
And then Pike calls and he’s like DUDE I SHOT YOUR BFF AND I HAVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND HOW’S LIFE?
And Santana’s like SHIT.
chapter catorce
Santana’s like THEY HAVE MY GIRLFRIEND AND MY BFF IS ALL SHOT WTF IS THIS FAILURE
Captain police guy shows up and is like GTFO SANTANA LOPEZ
Santana goes to the hospital and is like FEELINGS SUCK BUT RACHEL Q IS GOING TO BE A-OKAY AND I HATE YOU BUT PLEASE STOP FREAKING OUT IT MAKES MY HEART THAT TOTALLY DOES NOT EXIST HURT OKAY
Rachel is like SNIFFLE I LOVE YOU TOO SANTANA
Quinn is totally getting a job with strings attached. Like the opposite of the classic Nsync song.
Santana’s like PIKE IS BEING WEIRD, NOT KILLING PEOPLE AND SHIT, AND I DON’T THINK HE’S NOT AFTER ME ANYMORE
Srsly, important shit is happening right now.
Oh, hey, Quinn is quitting her stringy job. Weird, she’s acting pretty dark and enigmatic about why though.
Pike is like MWHAHAHA I STILL HAVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND I ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE TO FIND US. YOU’RE KIND OF A DUMBASS DETECTIVE, YOU KNOW.
Quinn is like super cryptic guys.
Santana’s like I KNOW WHERE THIS BITCH IS
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN
chapter quince.
Santana and Puck get guns. They’re totally badasses. You don’t even know.
Santana killed someone once. She angsted about it.
Pike is like LOL I AM EVIL GENIUS HEAR ME ROAR
Santana thinks about her dog, Nemo. He practically owns this story, you don’t even know.
Brittany’s like RACHEL WANTS A BABY I WANT A PUPPY
Santana’s like OMG RACHEL BERRY SPAWN DO NOT WANT
Brittany’s like PUPPY?
Santana’s like STUPID POUTING
Nemo’s like BARK
And they’re one big happy family, and Santana feels like a sap. She hates feelings so much.
Santana pulls the trigger.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN
(this is where Lynne laughs at the crazy people comments in the face of such an egregious cliffhanger)
chapter deiciseis
Pike’s like OH SHIT I AM SHOT AND NO I’M NOT GONNA TELL YOU HOW I KNOW DADDY FABRAY WHY DON’T YOU ASK YOUR BFF QUINN
The two hot shit cops show up and they’re like WE’RE SAVING YOUR ASS GTFO
Quinn’s like, HEY GUISE HYPOTHETICALLY MAYBE IF I KILLED SOMEONE WOULD YOU MAYBE POSSIBLY HYPOTHETICALLY TURN ME IN?
And Britt’s like LOLWHUT while Rachel’s like YEAH DUH and Quinn gets all pissy like OMG RACHEL WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME
And Santana’s like WEIRD QUINN IS WEIRD
Santana gets to the hospital and she’s like LOLWHUTUPWICHOO at Rachel and Rachel’s like STFU BITCH and Santana’s like OKAY WHATEVS BFF QUINN WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR DADDY
Quinn and Rachel are like OH SHIT
Santana uses her secret weapon of feelings and Q’s like AW SHIT WHY THE FEELINGS? FINE YOU WANNA HEAR MY SECRET? HERE, FINE HERE’S MY SECRET -
DUN DUN DUNNNNN
outtake!
Rachel is horny and sometimes Quinn places her hand in strange places like on her stomach which is kind of weird if you think about it but maybe that’s just me.
Anyway, Faberry gets totally cockblocked by their multiple injuries and a creepy nurse possibly named Jenna, but whatevs.
Rachel Berry is nothing if not persistent.
chapter deicisiete
RAIN RAIN GO AWAY COME BACK AGAIN SOME OTHER DAY OR LIKE NEXT YEAR BECAUSE IT’S LIKE A MIRACLE THE CITY HASN’T BEEN FLOODED AT THIS POINT
Quinn’s like MY SECRET IS THAT MY DAD IS LIKE A SECRET MOBSTER AND HE HAD YOUR PARENTS KILLED SO UM YOU KNOW THERE YOU GO?
Santana is like, SDALJKGHSLDGKJASDGLAGSD WHAT YOU ARE NO LONGER MY BFF YOU BITCH
Then she stomps off and hides in a closet with Brittany, and does not enjoy the irony of such a statement. Santana still hates feelings. But she now feels like she can’t drink them away with her ex-BFF.
It’s actually pretty sad, I dunno. It’s hard to make it funny.
On the upside, Rachel Berry is drinking decaf coffee because it is proven in many a health publication that drinking decaf coffee is safest for those who are -
Santana wouldn’t appreciate Rachel taking over her lolstory, especially when she’s feeling feelings.
chapter deiciocho
Santana’s like MY FEEEEELINGS ARE HURTING MEEEEEEE
Britt’s like LEAN ON ME WHEN YOU’RE NOT STRONG I’LL BE YOUR FRIEND I’LL HELP YOU CARRY ON
Santana’s like OKAY I GET IT PLEASE STOP LET ME GO CONFRONT MY EX-BFF QUINN
Rachel agrees with Santana. It’s pretty weird.
Q is like SOOOO SANTANA REMEMBER WHEN YOU GOT NEMO
Santana’s like FUCK OFF BITCH
Quinn does not react well to the word baby.
Now ain’t that strange?
Quinn’s like OKAY GUYS IF YOU WANT TO GO AFTER MY TOTALLY NOT SOMEWHAT GUILTY FATHER FINE BUT THE FILES ARE AT MY HOUSE AND SO YOU CAN’T GET THEM RIGHT NOW -
Rachel’s like I’LL GO GET THEM
Quinn’s like YOU KNOW ONCE UPON A TIME YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME DAMN IT
chapter deicinueve
The Faberry household has been breached by the enemy. It is unnerving. Santana needs a drink because life sucks and drinks make her feel better. SRSLY THO, SHE ISN’T AN ALCOHOLIC.
The flask she finds is like LIVE IN MY HOUSE I’LL BE YOUR SHELTER JUST PAY ME BACK WITH ONE THOUSAND -
Santana does not appreciate such Broadway themed flasks and tries to put it back but then she finds more things that are black shiny glossy papers with blobby figures on them that look somewhat like something that Santana does not want.
Rachel’s like TRIUMPH WE HAVE FOUND THE FILE! ALSO QUINN LOVES YOU OKAY SO JUST FORGIVE HER BECAUSE SHE’S JUST NOT IN THE MOOD FOR SEX WHEN SHE’S DEPRESSED, OKAY -
Santana’s like OH GOD OKAY I LOVE YOU QUINN LET’S BE BFFS AGAIN
Santana and Puck are gonna catch Daddy Fabray and be badass cops once more.
chapter veinte
Santana’s like A) I HATE MY FEELINGS BUT PLEASE DON’T LEAVE THE HOSPITAL OR I’LL DIE AND B) WE’RE GOING ON VACATION AFTER THIS OKAY BECAUSE I SRSLY NEED SOME FUN IN THE SUN IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ALSO IS RACHEL LIKE PREGNANT?
Brittany’s like, I LOVE YOU TOO, YAY VACATION, YES I DO KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, AND YEAH DUH YOU’RE KIND OF DUMB
Santana and Brittany kiss and Quinn’s like OMG ICKY BADNESS NOOOOO
And then she’s like OKAY WHATEVS I THINK IT’S COOL LET’S BE BFFS AND SNUGGLE AND WATCH FRIENDS OKAY
Quinn’s like RACHEL IS PREGNANT
I bet you’re surprised. You are, aren’t you?
Santana’s like DO NOT WANT BERRY SPAWN EWWWW
Quinn’s like OKAY WHATEVER ANYWAY MY DAD IS COMING AFTER US BECAUSE I THREATENED HIM WITH BLACKMAIL BECAUSE I WANTED TO PROTECT MY KID OKAY
Santana’s like YOU’RE LUCKY I HATE FEELINGS OR ELSE I’D SAY YOU’RE A TOTAL SAP BUT I LOVE YOU OKAY YOU’RE MY BEST BFF EVER
Quinn’s like YEAH I LOVE YOU TOO
Quinn and Brittany and Santana are adorable best friend children and you should be jealous of their awesome even at a young age.
And then Santana goes to get evil overlord Fabray and he’s not there and she kicks things because she’s Santana Lopez and she can do shit like that.
But the Puck finds creepy evidence!
Santana shows Quinn the evidence and she’s like FUCK THIS SHIT LET ME OUT IMMA KILL HIM HE’S AFTER MY BABY THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS DEAD
Santana likes the way her BFF is thinking.
epilogue!
It’s raining again and Quinn looks like hot shit in her suit. Don’t tell me you don’t want to go to your bunk after that image in your head.
She gives a BAMF speech and she’s like THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS DEAD TO ME AND I WILL NOT REST MY SHIT UNTIL HE IS IN A JAIL CELL OR ELSE I’LL JUST SHOOT HIM MYSELF
Thankfully, she doesn’t say that out loud. She says something much cooler while her midget sidekick wife person imagines Batman music playing.
Santana captures Daddy Fabray and feels like a BAMF superhero who could save kittens and shit and be super cool.
Nemo is there!
Santana’s like CONGRATS YOUR WIFE IS SPAWNING NOW ARE YOU READY FOR THE HELLISH EXISTENCE YOU HAVE WELCOMED ONTO YOURSELF
Quinn’s like HELL YEAH MOTHERFUCKER ARE YOU READY TO BE A GODMOTHER?
Santana’s like UNFAIR FABRAY, GOING FOR THE FEELINGS
Santana Lopez has a cool badass family and feelings don’t seem so bad when they’re happy ones.
(her dog is seriously badass, come on, how could she not be happy?)
THE END
This is the LOL version of They Say Bad Things Happen for a Reason. It's been in the works for a while now, actually - I've been summing up the fic in these funny little statements for a while now. This totally has Lynne's approval, I swear, and um, as a warning, there's excessive caps lock and serious abuse of the English language in the form of curse words. But people seem to think it's funny, sooooo. Here you go :D
Oh, and also! The title is supposed to be read in a Jamaican accent.
LOLBADTINGS
(the abridged They Say Bad Things Happen for a Reason)
chapter uno
Santana loves things, like the bottom of a glass of scotch. Not that she ever sees it.
Her bff is Quinn Fabray who’s married to crazy midget girl Rachel Berry, and her best lesbro is Puckles and they like solve crimes and shoot shit and it’s all pretty fucking badass.
Except, Santana’s life is like this: ANGSSSSSSST. Because her hot dancer girlfriend of indiscriminate last name origin left her and life sucks because she took their badass cocker spaniel with her. SHE’S ALL ALONE, THERE’S NO ONE THERE BESIDE HERRRRRRR
And then everything goes to shit.
chapter dos.
Santana and Puckles steal THE CASE from those other two cop dudes who probably look hot as fuck in those police uniforms. Except, she’s a total beaver lover, so that’s all for naught.
Santana angsts some more because she neglected to realize that seeing Brittany would do crazy shit to her brainz. Britt’s like I MISS YOU with her eyes and San’s like OMG I NEED TO GET DRUNK FIND MY BFF QUINN.
Hot lesbian sex occurs. You are obviously not a human being if you don’t get turned on by it.
S wakes up to find Q and her midget wife making out like two horny teenagers (coughforeshadowingcough) and Q’s like BITCH STEP OFF MY WIFE AND GET YO SHIT TOGETHER and S is like BITCH YOU DON’T KNOW ME YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE and Rachel’s just like I LOOK LIKE HOT SHIT IN MY WIFE’S DRESS SHIRT AND I’M REALLY HORNY
(coughcough)
chapter tres.
Santana comes back home to find her badass dog named Nemo. He will quickly become the breakout star of this story.
Turns out, Britt’s apartment got robbed and she took her dog and fucking ran for Santana’s and Santana’s like FML but HEY NEMO I MISSED YOU while Britt’s like I’M MAKIN’ WAFFLES.
Then she takes a nap. Naps are important.
Then she calls her BFF Quinn who brings her midget wife to dinner and Santana drinks and Brittany drinks and Quinn drinks and you’ll quickly realize that drinking is a theme and that someone does not drink if you pay attention. Just sayin’.
Midget wife Rachel makes a good point and Santana’s like WHAT EVEN BERRY WHY ARE YOU MAKING GOOD POINTS and S is then like, SHIT PIKE IS AFTER ME AND THEREFORE AFTER BRITTANY SHIT SHIT SHIT
Pike is like IMMA COME AFTER YOU AND YOUR PRETTY LITTLE GIRLFRIEND. AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!
There is snuggling. Santana’s like FUCK I LOVE SNUGGLING.
chapter cuatro.
S hates feelings. She has too many of them. She is going to drink them away with her BFF Quinn.
Santana gets a letter and it’s like LOL I’M SO STALKING YOUR GIRLFRIEND NA NA NA NA
Santana does not like this very much.
She’s all BRITT YOU GOTTA STAY HERE AND BE SAFE BUT SRSLY I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU OKAY
Britt’s like OKAY SURE WHATEVS I’LL STAY HERE, SO WHATCHA WANNA DO NOW?
Santana’s like SHIT.
chapter cinco.
They totally have sex.
They totally break up.
Once more with feeling: S hates feelings. She has too many of them. She is going to drink them away with her BFF Quinn.
chapter seis.
Puck shows up and totally kills Santana’s buzz and gives Quinn an envelope and Q is like I AM ABOUT TO KILL THIS MOTHAFUCKA.
S is like LOL RACHEL AND BRITTANY ARE IN THIS PIC TOGETHER BUT SRSLY WHO WOULD WANT TO KIDNAP YOUR MIDGET SIDEKICK Q, SHE’D LIKE ANNOY THEM OFF A CLIFF - FUCKING OW!
Quinn has a pretty nice bitchslap.
S goes home and is like YOU TWO FUCKHEADS CAN GTFO to those two hot shit officers and then she goes to sleep. There’s more snuggling.
They wake up and Santana’s like OMG FEELINGS I’M DYING OKAY BITCH I FUCKING LOVE YOU STILL
And Britt’s like YEAH I LOVE YOU TOO STILL
chapter siete.
Puck is like LOOK AT THIS SHIT ON THE PHOTO
Pike’s like HA HA I’M COMING AFTER MIDGET SIDEKICK TOO
And S is like SHIT MAN NOW I HAVE TO GO DEAL WITH MAH BFF QUINN
Nemo is also hanging around, being adorbz.
S goes to the Faberry household with her imaginary gayhat in hand is like LOL SORRY I WAS ALL DRUNKED
And then Q is like WHATEVS BITCH I LOVE YOU HEY RACHEL WOULD IT BE COOL IF I LIKE LOCKED YOU IN THIS APARTMENT FOREVER BECAUSE PIKE IS LIKE AFTER YOU
Rachel’s like LOLNO
Then Rachel gets hit by a car and the shit really hits the fan.
chapter ocho.
Santana doesn’t like her own feelings, Q, what makes you think she wants to deal with yours?
Quinn also has a strong right hook. Santana should really learn these things before she lets people go beating the shit out of her.
Quinn is like ZOMG WHAT IS MY LIFE WITHOUT MY RACHEL ZOMG
Quinn really loves Rachel and if Santana were a sappier person, she would be like, THAT’S UBER CUTE.
Luckily, Santana hates feelings so she doesn’t have to say shit like that.
There’s more hot lesbian sex. Srsly, you should be like, halfway to your cold shower by now. Have some batteries.
Puck’s like SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR AFTERGLOW BUT THE MIDGET SIDEKICK IS AWAKE
And then there’s like thunder and a DUN DUN DUNNNNN
chapter nueve.
Santana actually secretly loves her BFF’s midget sidekick but don’t tell anyone okay. She hates feelings.
Rachel is like, helpful and Santana hates it.
MOAR CLIFFHANGERS YOU GUISE.
chapter diez.
Santana still hates feelings, but feelings aren’t so bad when she has a hot flexible dancer girlfriend.
Santana and her lesbro Puckles hit up this creepy warehouse place that has a creepy shrine to her and her BFF Quinn and her hot flexible dancer girlfriend and Quinn’s midget sidekick wife person thing.
Santana and Puckles are like LOLWHUT?
SHIT EXPLODES ONTO PUCK’S FACE.
Santana gets home from the hospital and Britt’s gone and she’s like NOOOOOOOOOO.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN.
chapter once
Santana’s like NOOOOOO and then Britt and Nemo walk in like LOLWHUTUPWICHOO
Santana’s like FUUUUU FEELINGS
Naps are really important, you guise. If you’re tired, take a nap. Words of advice.
Did you know Santana’s parents died in a horrific car crash that Santana feels is too clean and precise?
Yeah, you guise. This shit is important.
Q and her midget sidekick drugged up wife show up and Q’s like SHIT MAN I’M LIKE ALL SHOOK UP
S is like I LOVE YOU MAH BFF QUINN THIS SHIT WILL BE OKAY
Then Britt sees Q’s dad in a creepster picture of Pike’s and Q is like FUCK MY LIFE.
Santana’s like SHIT.
chapter doce.
Pike is like MWHAHAHA I STALK YOU
Santana chases him all over the place and then loses him and feels dumb and then Puck makes her feel more dumb because he’s like WTF SANTANA DUDE SCREWED UP MY HOTASS FACE
There’s even more lesbian sex. I hope your bunk is comfortable, because you keep ending up there.
chapter trece.
Santana wakes up and Britt’s like I’M MAKIN’ WAFFLES and Rachel’s high on her pills and horny (again, and pay attention please) and Quinn’s like LOLWHUT BUT OKAY
Strange but presumably relevant flashback that you should probably pay attention to.
One of the hot shit officers is like UM HEY BIG EVIL OVERLORD FABRAY VISITED PIKE IN PRISON UM THAT’S WEIRD RIGHT
Santana’s like FUUUUUU
And then Pike calls and he’s like DUDE I SHOT YOUR BFF AND I HAVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND HOW’S LIFE?
And Santana’s like SHIT.
chapter catorce
Santana’s like THEY HAVE MY GIRLFRIEND AND MY BFF IS ALL SHOT WTF IS THIS FAILURE
Captain police guy shows up and is like GTFO SANTANA LOPEZ
Santana goes to the hospital and is like FEELINGS SUCK BUT RACHEL Q IS GOING TO BE A-OKAY AND I HATE YOU BUT PLEASE STOP FREAKING OUT IT MAKES MY HEART THAT TOTALLY DOES NOT EXIST HURT OKAY
Rachel is like SNIFFLE I LOVE YOU TOO SANTANA
Quinn is totally getting a job with strings attached. Like the opposite of the classic Nsync song.
Santana’s like PIKE IS BEING WEIRD, NOT KILLING PEOPLE AND SHIT, AND I DON’T THINK HE’S NOT AFTER ME ANYMORE
Srsly, important shit is happening right now.
Oh, hey, Quinn is quitting her stringy job. Weird, she’s acting pretty dark and enigmatic about why though.
Pike is like MWHAHAHA I STILL HAVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND I ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE TO FIND US. YOU’RE KIND OF A DUMBASS DETECTIVE, YOU KNOW.
Quinn is like super cryptic guys.
Santana’s like I KNOW WHERE THIS BITCH IS
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN
chapter quince.
Santana and Puck get guns. They’re totally badasses. You don’t even know.
Santana killed someone once. She angsted about it.
Pike is like LOL I AM EVIL GENIUS HEAR ME ROAR
Santana thinks about her dog, Nemo. He practically owns this story, you don’t even know.
Brittany’s like RACHEL WANTS A BABY I WANT A PUPPY
Santana’s like OMG RACHEL BERRY SPAWN DO NOT WANT
Brittany’s like PUPPY?
Santana’s like STUPID POUTING
Nemo’s like BARK
And they’re one big happy family, and Santana feels like a sap. She hates feelings so much.
Santana pulls the trigger.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN
(this is where Lynne laughs at the crazy people comments in the face of such an egregious cliffhanger)
chapter deiciseis
Pike’s like OH SHIT I AM SHOT AND NO I’M NOT GONNA TELL YOU HOW I KNOW DADDY FABRAY WHY DON’T YOU ASK YOUR BFF QUINN
The two hot shit cops show up and they’re like WE’RE SAVING YOUR ASS GTFO
Quinn’s like, HEY GUISE HYPOTHETICALLY MAYBE IF I KILLED SOMEONE WOULD YOU MAYBE POSSIBLY HYPOTHETICALLY TURN ME IN?
And Britt’s like LOLWHUT while Rachel’s like YEAH DUH and Quinn gets all pissy like OMG RACHEL WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME
And Santana’s like WEIRD QUINN IS WEIRD
Santana gets to the hospital and she’s like LOLWHUTUPWICHOO at Rachel and Rachel’s like STFU BITCH and Santana’s like OKAY WHATEVS BFF QUINN WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR DADDY
Quinn and Rachel are like OH SHIT
Santana uses her secret weapon of feelings and Q’s like AW SHIT WHY THE FEELINGS? FINE YOU WANNA HEAR MY SECRET? HERE, FINE HERE’S MY SECRET -
DUN DUN DUNNNNN
outtake!
Rachel is horny and sometimes Quinn places her hand in strange places like on her stomach which is kind of weird if you think about it but maybe that’s just me.
Anyway, Faberry gets totally cockblocked by their multiple injuries and a creepy nurse possibly named Jenna, but whatevs.
Rachel Berry is nothing if not persistent.
chapter deicisiete
RAIN RAIN GO AWAY COME BACK AGAIN SOME OTHER DAY OR LIKE NEXT YEAR BECAUSE IT’S LIKE A MIRACLE THE CITY HASN’T BEEN FLOODED AT THIS POINT
Quinn’s like MY SECRET IS THAT MY DAD IS LIKE A SECRET MOBSTER AND HE HAD YOUR PARENTS KILLED SO UM YOU KNOW THERE YOU GO?
Santana is like, SDALJKGHSLDGKJASDGLAGSD WHAT YOU ARE NO LONGER MY BFF YOU BITCH
Then she stomps off and hides in a closet with Brittany, and does not enjoy the irony of such a statement. Santana still hates feelings. But she now feels like she can’t drink them away with her ex-BFF.
It’s actually pretty sad, I dunno. It’s hard to make it funny.
On the upside, Rachel Berry is drinking decaf coffee because it is proven in many a health publication that drinking decaf coffee is safest for those who are -
Santana wouldn’t appreciate Rachel taking over her lolstory, especially when she’s feeling feelings.
chapter deiciocho
Santana’s like MY FEEEEELINGS ARE HURTING MEEEEEEE
Britt’s like LEAN ON ME WHEN YOU’RE NOT STRONG I’LL BE YOUR FRIEND I’LL HELP YOU CARRY ON
Santana’s like OKAY I GET IT PLEASE STOP LET ME GO CONFRONT MY EX-BFF QUINN
Rachel agrees with Santana. It’s pretty weird.
Q is like SOOOO SANTANA REMEMBER WHEN YOU GOT NEMO
Santana’s like FUCK OFF BITCH
Quinn does not react well to the word baby.
Now ain’t that strange?
Quinn’s like OKAY GUYS IF YOU WANT TO GO AFTER MY TOTALLY NOT SOMEWHAT GUILTY FATHER FINE BUT THE FILES ARE AT MY HOUSE AND SO YOU CAN’T GET THEM RIGHT NOW -
Rachel’s like I’LL GO GET THEM
Quinn’s like YOU KNOW ONCE UPON A TIME YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME DAMN IT
chapter deicinueve
The Faberry household has been breached by the enemy. It is unnerving. Santana needs a drink because life sucks and drinks make her feel better. SRSLY THO, SHE ISN’T AN ALCOHOLIC.
The flask she finds is like LIVE IN MY HOUSE I’LL BE YOUR SHELTER JUST PAY ME BACK WITH ONE THOUSAND -
Santana does not appreciate such Broadway themed flasks and tries to put it back but then she finds more things that are black shiny glossy papers with blobby figures on them that look somewhat like something that Santana does not want.
Rachel’s like TRIUMPH WE HAVE FOUND THE FILE! ALSO QUINN LOVES YOU OKAY SO JUST FORGIVE HER BECAUSE SHE’S JUST NOT IN THE MOOD FOR SEX WHEN SHE’S DEPRESSED, OKAY -
Santana’s like OH GOD OKAY I LOVE YOU QUINN LET’S BE BFFS AGAIN
Santana and Puck are gonna catch Daddy Fabray and be badass cops once more.
chapter veinte
Santana’s like A) I HATE MY FEELINGS BUT PLEASE DON’T LEAVE THE HOSPITAL OR I’LL DIE AND B) WE’RE GOING ON VACATION AFTER THIS OKAY BECAUSE I SRSLY NEED SOME FUN IN THE SUN IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ALSO IS RACHEL LIKE PREGNANT?
Brittany’s like, I LOVE YOU TOO, YAY VACATION, YES I DO KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, AND YEAH DUH YOU’RE KIND OF DUMB
Santana and Brittany kiss and Quinn’s like OMG ICKY BADNESS NOOOOO
And then she’s like OKAY WHATEVS I THINK IT’S COOL LET’S BE BFFS AND SNUGGLE AND WATCH FRIENDS OKAY
Quinn’s like RACHEL IS PREGNANT
I bet you’re surprised. You are, aren’t you?
Santana’s like DO NOT WANT BERRY SPAWN EWWWW
Quinn’s like OKAY WHATEVER ANYWAY MY DAD IS COMING AFTER US BECAUSE I THREATENED HIM WITH BLACKMAIL BECAUSE I WANTED TO PROTECT MY KID OKAY
Santana’s like YOU’RE LUCKY I HATE FEELINGS OR ELSE I’D SAY YOU’RE A TOTAL SAP BUT I LOVE YOU OKAY YOU’RE MY BEST BFF EVER
Quinn’s like YEAH I LOVE YOU TOO
Quinn and Brittany and Santana are adorable best friend children and you should be jealous of their awesome even at a young age.
And then Santana goes to get evil overlord Fabray and he’s not there and she kicks things because she’s Santana Lopez and she can do shit like that.
But the Puck finds creepy evidence!
Santana shows Quinn the evidence and she’s like FUCK THIS SHIT LET ME OUT IMMA KILL HIM HE’S AFTER MY BABY THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS DEAD
Santana likes the way her BFF is thinking.
epilogue!
It’s raining again and Quinn looks like hot shit in her suit. Don’t tell me you don’t want to go to your bunk after that image in your head.
She gives a BAMF speech and she’s like THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS DEAD TO ME AND I WILL NOT REST MY SHIT UNTIL HE IS IN A JAIL CELL OR ELSE I’LL JUST SHOOT HIM MYSELF
Thankfully, she doesn’t say that out loud. She says something much cooler while her midget sidekick wife person imagines Batman music playing.
Santana captures Daddy Fabray and feels like a BAMF superhero who could save kittens and shit and be super cool.
Nemo is there!
Santana’s like CONGRATS YOUR WIFE IS SPAWNING NOW ARE YOU READY FOR THE HELLISH EXISTENCE YOU HAVE WELCOMED ONTO YOURSELF
Quinn’s like HELL YEAH MOTHERFUCKER ARE YOU READY TO BE A GODMOTHER?
Santana’s like UNFAIR FABRAY, GOING FOR THE FEELINGS
Santana Lopez has a cool badass family and feelings don’t seem so bad when they’re happy ones.
(her dog is seriously badass, come on, how could she not be happy?)
THE END