Fic: Buffy/Firefly Crossover
For the Buffy/Firefly Crossover Ficathon hosted by _elektra.
I hate begging for feedback, but if you read this and like it please let me know. This is my first real attempt at humor. I try to have a bit of funny in everything, but this was definitely new territory for me in the world of comedy. Enjoy!
Title: Curse of the Red Rooster
Author: Moosesal
Rating: R for language
Characters: Anya, Mal, Jayne (I'm not revealing any pairing here. It's a surprise.)
Written for: smokeandtears who requested: Some witty banter between the characters. Maybe a pulled gun or threatened curse--or two or three. And didn’t want: the word “cock.”
Note: For unknown reasons I had a hard time coming up with a story for this. The only thing that inspired me was, of course, the one thing the requested said not to include: the word “cock.” My apologies to smokeandtears, but when inspiration strikes sometimes you just have to go with it. I have a feeling, however, that the direction I went wasn’t what you meant. So hopefully, this doesn’t offend or disappoint.
Beta: Props to silvertedy for keeping from looking like an idiot here and for laughing in all the right places.
Cock-a-doodle-doooooooooooooooo
Jayne sat up with a start. “What the--?”
There on the end of his bed was a large reddish brown rooster, bobbing his head and staring Jayne in the eye.
“Oh, shit.” Jayne fell back and closed his eyes, groaning at the memory of the night before. They’d gone into town -- they had a little downtime before the next job, and he’d been hoping for a little fun. He’d been walking along the marketplace, smiling at the ladies and minding his own business when he’d heard a familiar scream. Somehow, River had ended up in the middle of a cockfight.
Jayne to the rescue.
And now he had a cock in his bed and wasn’t that just a punchline he didn’t want to touch?
***
Mal wasn’t positive, but he was pretty damn sure he’d heard a rooster crowing as he walked by Jayne’s quarters. He shook his head as he entered the kitchen, muttering to himself, “The difference between kinky and perverted …”
“Feather versus the whole chicken?”
Mal turned to see Inara sitting at the table, grinning. “I . . . uh, didn’t see you there.”
“I know.”
They stared at each other for a few minutes before Mal remembered why he was there. He crossed the room to rummage for some breakfast in the cupboards. When he turned back to the table, Inara was gone.
***
Anya liked to think that she knew heartache. After all, she’d loved and lost during her stints as a human. And now here she was a demon again. How exactly that had happened when she’d died in Sunnydale was something she hadn’t quite figured out. She remembered being stabbed through with a sword, and then she’d awakened to D’Hoffryn’s voice telling her there was work to be done; souls were crying out for vengeance. (He’d also footnoted his little speech by saying that she was stuck with this job for eternity; there would be no death for her until he chose to release her.)
So here she was in a dingy bar, in a shady town, on a shabby planet listening to a woman pour her heart out about the man who’d done her wrong more than once. “I just wish that dirty rotten bastard Malcolm Reynolds knew what it’s like to be a woman.”
“Done.”
***
Cock-a-doodle-doooooooo
“Dammit, Jayne, I’m gonna kill that bird if you don’t . . .” Don’t what? River would freak if Mal did anything to her precious new pet, Jayne II. And the name? As if one Jayne on this ship wasn’t enough, River’d had to name the damn thing after the moron who’d brought it on board.
Mal tossed the covers back and sat up in his bunk. He wiped the sleep from his eyes and ran his hand through his hair. “What the--?” He had way more hair than he’d had when he went to bed. “My voice!” It was higher than usual. More . . . girlish. He shook his head and looked down at his body.
“Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
***
D’Hoffryn gazed at the image of Anya’s latest curse. “Excellent work, Anyanka.”
“Thank you,” she smiled, quite pleased herself. What a beautiful woman she’d made. She was going to enjoy sticking around for awhile and watching Mr. Reynolds try to adapt to his new life.
***
Everyone on the ship heard the woman’s scream come from Mal’s quarters. Now they all stood outside the hatch, debating whether or not to go in. The only one who didn’t seem concerned was River, who stood to the side giggling.
“What if something’s happened to him?” Inara looked at Zoe and Jayne anxiously.
“Wouldn’t we have heard him screaming instead of some woman?” Jayne asked.
“Well, it didn’t sound like a scream of pleasure,” Zoe cocked an eyebrow. “I think we should go down there.”
Inara looked relieved when Jayne nodded in agreement. “Okay, but you go first in case it’s another crazy woman. She might not hurt you.”
“I’m not going first, you go first,” Zoe argued.
“I’ll go,” Inara sighed and brushed past them. “Mal! I’m coming in there!” She climbed down the ladder and stopped dead. Mal was nowhere to be found, but there was a beautiful woman standing there wearing Mal’s clothes. She hid her hurt behind anger and looked the woman up and down. “Where’s Mal? What have you done with him?”
The woman blushed. “Um . . . I . . .”
Just then Jayne dropped down the hatch, gun drawn, and was immediately followed by Zoe. “Where is he?”
The woman tentatively raised her hand. “You can put your guns away, Zoe. Jayne. I’m right here.”
Zoe and Jayne kept their guns trained on the woman before them. Inara cocked an eyebrow and stepped closer, carefully studying her. She leaned in close, smelling her. The scent was familiar. She reached down and raised the bottom of the woman’s shirt to find a jagged scar across her abdomen. “Mal?” She looked into the woman’s eyes. “H-h-how?”
Mal sat down on the edge of his bed. “I don’t know. Just woke up like this.”
Zoe and Jayne still didn’t seem convinced, but Inara motioned for them to lower their guns. “It takes a very powerful user of magic to do something like this, Mal. Who’d you piss off?”
“Me? I didn’t do anything.” Something in his tone and defensive posture told Zoe all she needed to know.
“Jesus, Captain. You obviously did somethin’, but since this ain’t my area of expertise, I’m gonna go get some breakfast and let the others know you’re doin’ just fine.” She tried not to laugh as she started back up the ladder, but she couldn’t help herself and had to say something. “At least you’re pretty,” she grinned as she left.
Jayne just stood there staring, mouth open. His eyes kept going back and forth from Mal’s eyes to his breasts and back again. Finally, Mal had had enough of being ogled. He stood, hand balled into a fist, and stepped to Jayne. The quick movement pulled Jayne out of his daze, and he backed away. “Out. Now.” Jayne nodded and climbed the ladder.
Mal was left with Inara and found himself blushing again. “What the hell am I gonna do?” He shook his head.
***
Jayne sat in the corner of the bar staring at a perky little blonde woman across the room. The shape of her body reminded him of Mal, and it was freaking him out. He’d left the ship not long after Mal had sent him scurrying up the ladder from his room, and he’d been drowning himself in beer ever since. His body had reacted to Mal as a woman -- long brown hair, sharp features, curves in all the right places. He gave his body a firm shake, trying to rid himself of the memory and focused again on the woman sitting at the bar.
Maybe he just needed to get laid. It’d been a while since he’d been with anyone. The closest he came to having sex with a woman these days was jerking off with one hand while caressing Vera with the other. And while most day’s he’d take Vera over a woman, every now and then a guy needed a little loving. As much as he loved her, Vera wasn’t really capable of loving him back, no matter how much he might have fantasized about his beloved gun coming to life.
So he picked himself up and walked across the bar to sit down next to the woman. Shooting her a crooked smile, he drawled, “Hey pretty lady, I’m Jayne. What’s your name?”
She looked him up and down, admiring his physique, then smiled back. “I’m Anya.”
“Nice to meet you. Can I buy you a drink? Or we could go somewhere else, somewhere quiet? Your place, maybe?”
Anya laughed, pleased by his forward proposal. “Awful cocky, aren’t you? Why don’t we start with a drink?”
***
“I am not wearing a dress! No way. Just because my body’s . . . changed . . . doesn’t mean I have to go all feminine-like. I’m a man, dammit. A soldier. I’m still captain of this ship.”
Inara just smiled and nodded. “I just thought you’d be more comfortable in something that fit better.”
“I’m fine,” he grabbed a knife to make a new hole in his belt and cinched it tighter around his now curvaceous waist. “There. See?”
“Of course. But perhaps . . .” she motioned to his chest. His nipples were clearly visible through his button-down shirt. “. . . maybe something with a little more . . . support?”
Mal sighed and dropped his head. “Why me?” he moaned. “What did I do to make someone do this to me?”
“Perhaps you scorned the wrong woman.”
His head flew up, and he pierced her with his gaze. “Who? When? I haven’t been with anyone since that crazy con-artist.” His voice steadily rose until he was shouting. “And if anyone deserves revenge from that relationship, it’s me!”
Inara placed a hand on his arm to calm him. “Mal,” she spoke softly. “We’ll figure this out and fix it. I promise.”
***
Jayne wasn’t very smart, but Anya didn’t mind because he had a great body. And all she was really interested in was a good roll in the hay, anyway. D’Hoffryn had kept her on a pretty tight leash until recently. She’d missed the pleasures of the flesh she’d last known with Xander. Jayne would do just fine for a night of non-stop mating.
When she’d explained that she was between residences, he’d invited her back to the ship he was living on. Jayne had led them straight to his room and wasted no time getting busy. They’d ended up on his bed, Anya straddling Jayne’s lap and leaning over him. He was a good kisser -- strong but gentle with her, one hand wrapped in her hair, the other pressing gently against the small of her back. She felt secure in his arms. Wanted. Desired. And yet totally in control. She ground herself against him and felt his hard length beneath her. He was very well endowed. Anya smiled and moved her mouth down to nip at Jayne’s jaw. She kissed her way up to his ear and whispered, “Want you inside me.”
“God, yes,” he moaned. “Want you too, Mal.”
Anya sat up and glared down at him. “Mal? Did you just call me Mal?”
Jayne opened his eyes and looked up at her, his face turning red. “Oh, shit. I-- uh, I didn’t--” He tried to sit up, but was stopped by Anya’s hand on his chest.
“Don’t move. Who’s Mal?”
Jayne swallowed. “Captain of this ship.”
Anya’s eyes widened. “Your captain??” She wasn’t sure what to make of that.
“Yeah, he’s--”
“He? You mean you’re gay?” Now she really didn’t know what to think.
“No. Nonononono.” He was quick to defend himself, which made Anya think perhaps he was being a little too defensive.
“Oh, really?” Eyebrow cocked and hands on hips, she knew she’d get the right answer out of him.
“He’s a girl now.”
There went the other eyebrow. “You mean he had one of those operations to become a woman?” She was intrigued. “Can I meet him? Or her? Which does Mal prefer?”
“Uh . . .” Jayne looked confused. “He didn’t have an operation. He just woke up a woman this morning.”
“He’s only been a woman for a day and you’ve already thought of her sexually?”
“What? No!” Again he tried to sit up, and Anya just pushed him back down onto the bed.
“People don’t just call out their boss’s names in bed unless they’ve either been intimate or they’ve been wanting to be intimate.”
“B-b-but I don’t--”
“Sure.” Anya shook her head. “You say that now because you’re here with me and you want to get laid. But really it’s Mal that you want.”
“I don’t want him. I swear. I want you. I want you now.” He reached up to pull her down to him, but she brushed his hands away. “Don’t. You had your chance.” She climbed off of him and the bed and slipped her shoes on. As she was walking to the ladder something occurred to her. She turned back to look at him. “Um, Jayne? You said Mal woke up today as a woman?”
“Yeah.” He nodded slowly.
“What’s his full name?” she asked cautiously.
“Malcolm Reynolds. Why?”
Anya bit her lower lip and “I think I know how he ended up a woman.”
***
“So you just go around cursing men without hearing their side of the story first?” Mal was pacing back and forth. Jayne and Anya had found him in Inara’s shuttle hiding from the rest of the crew.
“She was crying out for vengeance. You’d hurt her. I was just doing my job.”
“Your job?” His voice pitched higher. “Your job, huh?” He pulled a gun from the holster on his hip and pointed it at her. “In my job we just use a gun. It’s generally quite effective.” His stare shifted quickly to Jayne, “Will you stop staring at me?”
Jayne blushed and looked at Anya, then Inara, then finally the floor. “Sorry, Mal,” he muttered.
Mal turned to Anya, “So? You gonna turn me back?”
“Not with you pointing a gun at me. I could just teleport myself out of here right now and leave you like this.” She started to move, and Mal cocked the hammer.
“Look, lady, just do us all a favor here and return my manhood to me so my crew,” he looked pointedly at Jayne, “stops leering at me.”
“Go ahead. Shoot me. It’s not going to kill me.” The matter-of-fact tone of Anya’s voice didn’t help her case as Mal only turned the gun to Jayne.
“Fine. I’ll just shoot your boyfriend.”
“Mal,” he protested. “I’m sorry I was staring. It’s just . . . you look . . . Don’t shoot me. Please?” He turned to Inara, “A little help?”
Inara smiled. “Anya . . . perhaps we can come to some sort of agreement. Is there something we could offer you as an exchange for ending the curse?”
Anya’s eyes flitted from Inara to Mal to Jayne then back to Mal and then she smiled. “I think perhaps I could change you back. If you do three things.”
Everyone stared at her, waiting for her to speak. “Well?” Mal finally demanded.
“First, put away the gun.”
Mal nodded, released the hammer and put the gun back in his holster. “Done.”
“Second, I want to watch you and Jayne have sex.”
“Oh, no. No, I don’t think so.” Mal was shaking his head.
“Like that or after you change him back?” Jayne asked.
Everyone turned to face Jayne -- Anya grinning, Inara trying not to laugh, and Mal looking like he was ready to pull the gun back out.
“Well, that would be the third item. I want to see both.”
“I’d sooner have sex with that rooster of his,” Mal started for the door.
“Careful what you wish for, Mr. Reynolds.” Mal’s eyes grew nearly as wide as Anya’s smile. “Enjoy life as a woman, Malcolm Reynolds. And be happy that I didn’t make you ugly.”
“Wait.” Inara stepped over to Mal and whispered in his ear, “No one outside this room need know of this. But it’s your decision. If you remain a woman ... I’ll teach you everything you need to know. However, you’ll never be happy.”
Mal swallowed and looked over at Anya and Jayne then back to Inara. When he spoke, his voice was pitched so everyone could hear, but his eyes were focused on her. “What happens in here never leaves this shuttle. Not a word.”
“Deal.” Anya smiled and sat down in a chair facing the bed. “Shall we begin?”
“Wait a minute. Don’t I get a say?”
Mal, Inara, and Anya all spoke at once. “No.”
***
Cock-a-doodle-doo
Mal kicked the rooster at the end of the bed and elbowed Jayne in the ribs as he muttered into his pillow. “I thought I told you to get rid of that damn bird.”
Jayne just curled an arm around Mal’s waist and pulled him closer. “But I thought you wanted to have sex with him.” His remark earned him another elbow to the ribs and a groan. “Besides, what’s one more co--”
“Don’t say it. She’s probably still listening. And the last thing I need is a curse that involves that damned rooster.”
***
“You turned him back.” It wasn’t a question, just a statement, and Anya knew better than to argue with D’Hoffryn, so she simply nodded once and stared at the hem of his robe. “You should be punished for this . . . but I don’t think it would do any good.” He sighed and turned away from her. “Go. Do your work, but be warned. I can make you suffer, my dear. And it may come when you least expect it.”
Anya was left staring at the image of Jayne and Mal and a red rooster and she smiled. If only she could trade vengeance wreaking for matchmaking.
The End
I hate begging for feedback, but if you read this and like it please let me know. This is my first real attempt at humor. I try to have a bit of funny in everything, but this was definitely new territory for me in the world of comedy. Enjoy!
Title: Curse of the Red Rooster
Author: Moosesal
Rating: R for language
Characters: Anya, Mal, Jayne (I'm not revealing any pairing here. It's a surprise.)
Written for: smokeandtears who requested: Some witty banter between the characters. Maybe a pulled gun or threatened curse--or two or three. And didn’t want: the word “cock.”
Note: For unknown reasons I had a hard time coming up with a story for this. The only thing that inspired me was, of course, the one thing the requested said not to include: the word “cock.” My apologies to smokeandtears, but when inspiration strikes sometimes you just have to go with it. I have a feeling, however, that the direction I went wasn’t what you meant. So hopefully, this doesn’t offend or disappoint.
Beta: Props to silvertedy for keeping from looking like an idiot here and for laughing in all the right places.
Cock-a-doodle-doooooooooooooooo
Jayne sat up with a start. “What the--?”
There on the end of his bed was a large reddish brown rooster, bobbing his head and staring Jayne in the eye.
“Oh, shit.” Jayne fell back and closed his eyes, groaning at the memory of the night before. They’d gone into town -- they had a little downtime before the next job, and he’d been hoping for a little fun. He’d been walking along the marketplace, smiling at the ladies and minding his own business when he’d heard a familiar scream. Somehow, River had ended up in the middle of a cockfight.
Jayne to the rescue.
And now he had a cock in his bed and wasn’t that just a punchline he didn’t want to touch?
***
Mal wasn’t positive, but he was pretty damn sure he’d heard a rooster crowing as he walked by Jayne’s quarters. He shook his head as he entered the kitchen, muttering to himself, “The difference between kinky and perverted …”
“Feather versus the whole chicken?”
Mal turned to see Inara sitting at the table, grinning. “I . . . uh, didn’t see you there.”
“I know.”
They stared at each other for a few minutes before Mal remembered why he was there. He crossed the room to rummage for some breakfast in the cupboards. When he turned back to the table, Inara was gone.
***
Anya liked to think that she knew heartache. After all, she’d loved and lost during her stints as a human. And now here she was a demon again. How exactly that had happened when she’d died in Sunnydale was something she hadn’t quite figured out. She remembered being stabbed through with a sword, and then she’d awakened to D’Hoffryn’s voice telling her there was work to be done; souls were crying out for vengeance. (He’d also footnoted his little speech by saying that she was stuck with this job for eternity; there would be no death for her until he chose to release her.)
So here she was in a dingy bar, in a shady town, on a shabby planet listening to a woman pour her heart out about the man who’d done her wrong more than once. “I just wish that dirty rotten bastard Malcolm Reynolds knew what it’s like to be a woman.”
“Done.”
***
Cock-a-doodle-doooooooo
“Dammit, Jayne, I’m gonna kill that bird if you don’t . . .” Don’t what? River would freak if Mal did anything to her precious new pet, Jayne II. And the name? As if one Jayne on this ship wasn’t enough, River’d had to name the damn thing after the moron who’d brought it on board.
Mal tossed the covers back and sat up in his bunk. He wiped the sleep from his eyes and ran his hand through his hair. “What the--?” He had way more hair than he’d had when he went to bed. “My voice!” It was higher than usual. More . . . girlish. He shook his head and looked down at his body.
“Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
***
D’Hoffryn gazed at the image of Anya’s latest curse. “Excellent work, Anyanka.”
“Thank you,” she smiled, quite pleased herself. What a beautiful woman she’d made. She was going to enjoy sticking around for awhile and watching Mr. Reynolds try to adapt to his new life.
***
Everyone on the ship heard the woman’s scream come from Mal’s quarters. Now they all stood outside the hatch, debating whether or not to go in. The only one who didn’t seem concerned was River, who stood to the side giggling.
“What if something’s happened to him?” Inara looked at Zoe and Jayne anxiously.
“Wouldn’t we have heard him screaming instead of some woman?” Jayne asked.
“Well, it didn’t sound like a scream of pleasure,” Zoe cocked an eyebrow. “I think we should go down there.”
Inara looked relieved when Jayne nodded in agreement. “Okay, but you go first in case it’s another crazy woman. She might not hurt you.”
“I’m not going first, you go first,” Zoe argued.
“I’ll go,” Inara sighed and brushed past them. “Mal! I’m coming in there!” She climbed down the ladder and stopped dead. Mal was nowhere to be found, but there was a beautiful woman standing there wearing Mal’s clothes. She hid her hurt behind anger and looked the woman up and down. “Where’s Mal? What have you done with him?”
The woman blushed. “Um . . . I . . .”
Just then Jayne dropped down the hatch, gun drawn, and was immediately followed by Zoe. “Where is he?”
The woman tentatively raised her hand. “You can put your guns away, Zoe. Jayne. I’m right here.”
Zoe and Jayne kept their guns trained on the woman before them. Inara cocked an eyebrow and stepped closer, carefully studying her. She leaned in close, smelling her. The scent was familiar. She reached down and raised the bottom of the woman’s shirt to find a jagged scar across her abdomen. “Mal?” She looked into the woman’s eyes. “H-h-how?”
Mal sat down on the edge of his bed. “I don’t know. Just woke up like this.”
Zoe and Jayne still didn’t seem convinced, but Inara motioned for them to lower their guns. “It takes a very powerful user of magic to do something like this, Mal. Who’d you piss off?”
“Me? I didn’t do anything.” Something in his tone and defensive posture told Zoe all she needed to know.
“Jesus, Captain. You obviously did somethin’, but since this ain’t my area of expertise, I’m gonna go get some breakfast and let the others know you’re doin’ just fine.” She tried not to laugh as she started back up the ladder, but she couldn’t help herself and had to say something. “At least you’re pretty,” she grinned as she left.
Jayne just stood there staring, mouth open. His eyes kept going back and forth from Mal’s eyes to his breasts and back again. Finally, Mal had had enough of being ogled. He stood, hand balled into a fist, and stepped to Jayne. The quick movement pulled Jayne out of his daze, and he backed away. “Out. Now.” Jayne nodded and climbed the ladder.
Mal was left with Inara and found himself blushing again. “What the hell am I gonna do?” He shook his head.
***
Jayne sat in the corner of the bar staring at a perky little blonde woman across the room. The shape of her body reminded him of Mal, and it was freaking him out. He’d left the ship not long after Mal had sent him scurrying up the ladder from his room, and he’d been drowning himself in beer ever since. His body had reacted to Mal as a woman -- long brown hair, sharp features, curves in all the right places. He gave his body a firm shake, trying to rid himself of the memory and focused again on the woman sitting at the bar.
Maybe he just needed to get laid. It’d been a while since he’d been with anyone. The closest he came to having sex with a woman these days was jerking off with one hand while caressing Vera with the other. And while most day’s he’d take Vera over a woman, every now and then a guy needed a little loving. As much as he loved her, Vera wasn’t really capable of loving him back, no matter how much he might have fantasized about his beloved gun coming to life.
So he picked himself up and walked across the bar to sit down next to the woman. Shooting her a crooked smile, he drawled, “Hey pretty lady, I’m Jayne. What’s your name?”
She looked him up and down, admiring his physique, then smiled back. “I’m Anya.”
“Nice to meet you. Can I buy you a drink? Or we could go somewhere else, somewhere quiet? Your place, maybe?”
Anya laughed, pleased by his forward proposal. “Awful cocky, aren’t you? Why don’t we start with a drink?”
***
“I am not wearing a dress! No way. Just because my body’s . . . changed . . . doesn’t mean I have to go all feminine-like. I’m a man, dammit. A soldier. I’m still captain of this ship.”
Inara just smiled and nodded. “I just thought you’d be more comfortable in something that fit better.”
“I’m fine,” he grabbed a knife to make a new hole in his belt and cinched it tighter around his now curvaceous waist. “There. See?”
“Of course. But perhaps . . .” she motioned to his chest. His nipples were clearly visible through his button-down shirt. “. . . maybe something with a little more . . . support?”
Mal sighed and dropped his head. “Why me?” he moaned. “What did I do to make someone do this to me?”
“Perhaps you scorned the wrong woman.”
His head flew up, and he pierced her with his gaze. “Who? When? I haven’t been with anyone since that crazy con-artist.” His voice steadily rose until he was shouting. “And if anyone deserves revenge from that relationship, it’s me!”
Inara placed a hand on his arm to calm him. “Mal,” she spoke softly. “We’ll figure this out and fix it. I promise.”
***
Jayne wasn’t very smart, but Anya didn’t mind because he had a great body. And all she was really interested in was a good roll in the hay, anyway. D’Hoffryn had kept her on a pretty tight leash until recently. She’d missed the pleasures of the flesh she’d last known with Xander. Jayne would do just fine for a night of non-stop mating.
When she’d explained that she was between residences, he’d invited her back to the ship he was living on. Jayne had led them straight to his room and wasted no time getting busy. They’d ended up on his bed, Anya straddling Jayne’s lap and leaning over him. He was a good kisser -- strong but gentle with her, one hand wrapped in her hair, the other pressing gently against the small of her back. She felt secure in his arms. Wanted. Desired. And yet totally in control. She ground herself against him and felt his hard length beneath her. He was very well endowed. Anya smiled and moved her mouth down to nip at Jayne’s jaw. She kissed her way up to his ear and whispered, “Want you inside me.”
“God, yes,” he moaned. “Want you too, Mal.”
Anya sat up and glared down at him. “Mal? Did you just call me Mal?”
Jayne opened his eyes and looked up at her, his face turning red. “Oh, shit. I-- uh, I didn’t--” He tried to sit up, but was stopped by Anya’s hand on his chest.
“Don’t move. Who’s Mal?”
Jayne swallowed. “Captain of this ship.”
Anya’s eyes widened. “Your captain??” She wasn’t sure what to make of that.
“Yeah, he’s--”
“He? You mean you’re gay?” Now she really didn’t know what to think.
“No. Nonononono.” He was quick to defend himself, which made Anya think perhaps he was being a little too defensive.
“Oh, really?” Eyebrow cocked and hands on hips, she knew she’d get the right answer out of him.
“He’s a girl now.”
There went the other eyebrow. “You mean he had one of those operations to become a woman?” She was intrigued. “Can I meet him? Or her? Which does Mal prefer?”
“Uh . . .” Jayne looked confused. “He didn’t have an operation. He just woke up a woman this morning.”
“He’s only been a woman for a day and you’ve already thought of her sexually?”
“What? No!” Again he tried to sit up, and Anya just pushed him back down onto the bed.
“People don’t just call out their boss’s names in bed unless they’ve either been intimate or they’ve been wanting to be intimate.”
“B-b-but I don’t--”
“Sure.” Anya shook her head. “You say that now because you’re here with me and you want to get laid. But really it’s Mal that you want.”
“I don’t want him. I swear. I want you. I want you now.” He reached up to pull her down to him, but she brushed his hands away. “Don’t. You had your chance.” She climbed off of him and the bed and slipped her shoes on. As she was walking to the ladder something occurred to her. She turned back to look at him. “Um, Jayne? You said Mal woke up today as a woman?”
“Yeah.” He nodded slowly.
“What’s his full name?” she asked cautiously.
“Malcolm Reynolds. Why?”
Anya bit her lower lip and “I think I know how he ended up a woman.”
***
“So you just go around cursing men without hearing their side of the story first?” Mal was pacing back and forth. Jayne and Anya had found him in Inara’s shuttle hiding from the rest of the crew.
“She was crying out for vengeance. You’d hurt her. I was just doing my job.”
“Your job?” His voice pitched higher. “Your job, huh?” He pulled a gun from the holster on his hip and pointed it at her. “In my job we just use a gun. It’s generally quite effective.” His stare shifted quickly to Jayne, “Will you stop staring at me?”
Jayne blushed and looked at Anya, then Inara, then finally the floor. “Sorry, Mal,” he muttered.
Mal turned to Anya, “So? You gonna turn me back?”
“Not with you pointing a gun at me. I could just teleport myself out of here right now and leave you like this.” She started to move, and Mal cocked the hammer.
“Look, lady, just do us all a favor here and return my manhood to me so my crew,” he looked pointedly at Jayne, “stops leering at me.”
“Go ahead. Shoot me. It’s not going to kill me.” The matter-of-fact tone of Anya’s voice didn’t help her case as Mal only turned the gun to Jayne.
“Fine. I’ll just shoot your boyfriend.”
“Mal,” he protested. “I’m sorry I was staring. It’s just . . . you look . . . Don’t shoot me. Please?” He turned to Inara, “A little help?”
Inara smiled. “Anya . . . perhaps we can come to some sort of agreement. Is there something we could offer you as an exchange for ending the curse?”
Anya’s eyes flitted from Inara to Mal to Jayne then back to Mal and then she smiled. “I think perhaps I could change you back. If you do three things.”
Everyone stared at her, waiting for her to speak. “Well?” Mal finally demanded.
“First, put away the gun.”
Mal nodded, released the hammer and put the gun back in his holster. “Done.”
“Second, I want to watch you and Jayne have sex.”
“Oh, no. No, I don’t think so.” Mal was shaking his head.
“Like that or after you change him back?” Jayne asked.
Everyone turned to face Jayne -- Anya grinning, Inara trying not to laugh, and Mal looking like he was ready to pull the gun back out.
“Well, that would be the third item. I want to see both.”
“I’d sooner have sex with that rooster of his,” Mal started for the door.
“Careful what you wish for, Mr. Reynolds.” Mal’s eyes grew nearly as wide as Anya’s smile. “Enjoy life as a woman, Malcolm Reynolds. And be happy that I didn’t make you ugly.”
“Wait.” Inara stepped over to Mal and whispered in his ear, “No one outside this room need know of this. But it’s your decision. If you remain a woman ... I’ll teach you everything you need to know. However, you’ll never be happy.”
Mal swallowed and looked over at Anya and Jayne then back to Inara. When he spoke, his voice was pitched so everyone could hear, but his eyes were focused on her. “What happens in here never leaves this shuttle. Not a word.”
“Deal.” Anya smiled and sat down in a chair facing the bed. “Shall we begin?”
“Wait a minute. Don’t I get a say?”
Mal, Inara, and Anya all spoke at once. “No.”
***
Cock-a-doodle-doo
Mal kicked the rooster at the end of the bed and elbowed Jayne in the ribs as he muttered into his pillow. “I thought I told you to get rid of that damn bird.”
Jayne just curled an arm around Mal’s waist and pulled him closer. “But I thought you wanted to have sex with him.” His remark earned him another elbow to the ribs and a groan. “Besides, what’s one more co--”
“Don’t say it. She’s probably still listening. And the last thing I need is a curse that involves that damned rooster.”
***
“You turned him back.” It wasn’t a question, just a statement, and Anya knew better than to argue with D’Hoffryn, so she simply nodded once and stared at the hem of his robe. “You should be punished for this . . . but I don’t think it would do any good.” He sighed and turned away from her. “Go. Do your work, but be warned. I can make you suffer, my dear. And it may come when you least expect it.”
Anya was left staring at the image of Jayne and Mal and a red rooster and she smiled. If only she could trade vengeance wreaking for matchmaking.
The End