Fic: DSOM Part II (Oz/Xander)
At long last I have Part II of "Dark Side of the Moon" ready to post. I actually finished revising this today. I'll probably send it back to silvertedy (who looked at it long, long ago) and make a few edits. But basically it is done. Now to just finish Part III and a special Interlude that fits between II and III and it will be complete.
Title: Dark Side of the Moon, Part II
Author: Moosesal
Rating: general audiences
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Pairing: Xander/Oz, with Giles
Beta: silvertedy
Notes: Thank you to everyone who has been encouraging me to finish this since I posted the first part back in July 2004. Good grief, I'll try to be a little faster with the next part.
Previous parts (Ia, Ib, and a prequel) are in my memories. here.
Part II
It was sunrise and Giles let Xander out of his cage as he’d done sixteen times before. He went straight to his room, not stopping to speak to Giles or Oz. He thought maybe he’d handled the change better this moon. An hour later he lay in bed feeling like a failure.
For his first full moon, he'd spent the night in his room. Giles and Oz had secured Lorna in the basement and then Oz had sat guard with Xander through the night. He couldn’t remember any of it. He didn’t remember the following two nights either, when they’d all stayed in the basement -- he and Lorna in separate cages.
In between moons since then, Oz had been working with them both, teaching them how to use the wolf's senses and strength. How to call it out, how to rein it in. Lorna, it seemed, was a natural. Last night had been the second night of the sixth moon since Oz's arrival -- Lorna had stayed in human form, Xander had not. He'd tried, but he just couldn't make the connection.
Xander lay on his bed trying to remember the night before. He couldn't pick out anything and sighed from the frustration. The only thing he got was a sense of comforting, like he'd been held through the night. But there was nothing concrete, and there was nothing this morning to indicate his sense memory was accurate.
Besides, who would have held him? He had been a wolf all night.
He realized he was starving and had been since before his nap. He vaguely remembered being hungry in his cage. It was time to get up.
Xander smiled as he walked down the stairs -- the sound of guitars and soft singing drifted from the front room. Giles.
"But my dreams, they aren't as empty,
as my conscience seems to be,
I have hours, only lonely,
my love is vengeance
that's never free"
He entered the room to find not only Giles, but Oz as well. Oz looked up and smiled softly as he kept playing.
"Hey, I know this song," he interupted. "Limp Bizkit, right?"
Oz stifled his laughter as Giles abruptly stopped and turned. "I beg your pardon?"
"Behind Blue Eyes?"
"Yes?" Giles looked confused and Oz shook his head at Xander’s teasing.
"Yeah, Limp Bizkit. I love that song. Alhough, I don't really get that whole 'L-I-M-P Say It, Discover' part? I mean, what's that about?"
Unable to hold it in any longer, Oz cracked up. Giles turned to him, "What's so funny? And what on Earth is he talking about?"
Oz rolled his eyes at Xander. "It’s the The Who, Xander. We listened to them just last week? Pete Townsend wrote it. Probably before Fred Durst was even born." To Giles, he explained, "Ignore him, he’s teasing you." He started playing again then looked up at Xander. "But I don't know what that whole Speak-n-Spell part's about either."
"The Who, huh?" He grinned at Giles. "Well that explains how you know the words."
Giles gave Xander the evil eye, but they all knew it was in jest. Oz went back playing the song, humming as he played, and Xander wandered off to the kitchen to find something to eat.
***
Oz was amazed at the progress both Lorna and Xander had made in the last few months. Lorna had proved surprisingly easy to work with. Once she'd seen him change at will she'd been focused on learning the same control. He was impressed that she'd done it so quickly. He suspected that her Slayer powers might have something to do with it. She was still too volatile to be left entirely on her own, but he didn't think she'd need him much longer. Even last night, she'd been able to control the change and had spent the hours upstairs playing chess with Giles.
Xander's progress was slower than Lorna's, but it was still going quite well all things considered. After the first night's change, he'd withdrawn. He'd attended all of Oz's lessons, though he hadn't always heard them. Oz would look over to find him lost in his own thoughts. From what Giles had said, Xander had already been more quiet and withdrawn than during their high school days; the wolf had only brought more silence and new levels of solitude. But silence and solitude were things Oz understood. He gave the man his space while also trying to staying close and offer what comfort and support he could.
Today he was torn. They’d been working on Xander remembering what happened while he was a wolf. Oz recalled how uncomfortable he'd been early on, never knowing what he'd done. Once he started connecting to his wolf, things had become clearer. But this morning he was nervous that Xander would remember, and that he'd be bothered that Oz had changed with him and curled around him in the cage, holding him during the night’s storm. Xander had been agitated, pacing for a while, then cowering in the corner and howling when thunder shook the house, rain battering the windows.
Oz had first tried soothing Xander with his voice. Then he'd tried the guitar, which Xander's wolf usually sat perfectly still for. Neither had worked. Finally, Oz had entered the cage and let himself change. His hope had been that the notion of 'pack', even if it was only the two of them, would calm Xander. And it had.
He’d missed the comfort of another warm body next to his own. If he were honest with himself, he'd have to admit that he had wanted to curl up and protect Xander all the time. He wanted to make Xander feel safe and loved again. He wanted the haunted look on his face to disappear at his touch. He wanted Xander.
But Oz wasn't so sure Xander would want him.
***
Oz and Giles regularly played music together -- classic rock, original compositions, classical -- it was something they shared that had nothing to do with evil or the supernatural or apocalypses. It was an escape.
They'd been playing for about an hour when Xander had come down and teased Giles with his comments about Limp Bizkit. At least he'd known who The Who were, even if he pretended otherwise. Oz had been amused over the last few months to see Giles’s mortification at Xander's musical ignorance and -- even more horrifying -- by his music taste. Oz liked that Xander had a different experience from theirs, even if it meant he'd missed out on some great music.
Oz had listened as Xander fixed himself a sandwich and then slipped outside. He looked at Giles. "Hey. Mind if we pick this up later?"
Giles' smile made Oz wonder what exactly he had picked up on. "Not at all." Giles stayed behind, playing quietly as Oz left the house to meet Xander out back.
Xander looked up at him as Oz stepped out the door. "Hey."
"Hey."
Oz dropped down beside him on the steps. "How you feeling?"
"Okay. A little ... confused."
"Do you remember anything?"
Xander shook his head. "Just vague notions. Sorry."
"It's okay. It's not about speed, you'll get it."
Xander nodded. "I know."
They sat in silence for a few minutes and just as Oz was trying to figure out what to say, Xander spoke. "I keep feeling like someone was with me last night. But Lorna didn't change, did she? I thought she stayed upstairs. With Giles." Xander's face was a mix of confusion and concentration.
"Yeah." The two sat in silence again, staring at each other. "It was me, Xan." Oz's words were soft.
"What?"
"It was me. In the cage." Deep breath. "There was a storm and ... you were upset." Oz shrugged as he saw Xander's eyes cloud over. "I changed to help calm you."
Oz watched Xander as he tried to remember. "You curled up with me?"
He nodded.
"I didn't just imagine that?"
"No."
Xander's relaxed a bit. "Thanks."
Nod.
The two sat in silence for what felt like hours. Xander finished his sandwich and they just sat there, staring at the the distance. Without looking over Xander broke the silence, "Stay with me again tonight?"
Oz put his hand over Xander's. "Whatever you want."
Xander turned his hand to hold Oz's, then stood and pulled him up. "Walk with me?"
Xander led them to the orchard. "When I was in Africa? Looking for a slayer?" he glanced over at Oz. "I got stuck in this building in Mogadishu when a mini-war sprang up all around me. Bombs, gunfire. It was pitch black. The building was shaking, and I thought it was gonna collapse."
Xander paused and Oz squeezed his hand.
"Anyway, sometimes ... when there's a bad storm or something ... thunder, especially... it makes me feel trapped like that again."
"The cage probably didn't help."
Xander stopped walking and turned to Oz.
"It's okay, Xan." Tears slid down his cheek. Oz reached up and wiped them away.
"When I found the slayer --" his voice broke.
Oz caught Xander as his knees buckled and he lowered them both to the ground, Xander landing partially in his lap. "It's okay," he whispered. "I've got you. You're safe."
Xander sat with his forehead on Oz's shoulder and stared at the ground. "I don't want to do this anymore. The crying. The fear." He raised his head to look at Xander. "I just..."
Oz understood and knew that Giles would understand too. It was time for Xander to move on, no more Council work. The sat there staring at the trees, listening to the birds until the sun went down.
***
Oz ran his fingers over the map on Xander's wall, pausing at the circles drawn around the cities he'd been to. "Addis Ababa?"
"Yeah."
Oz noticed the darkness on Xander's face, the hesitancy to speak. Over their last few months together, Oz was continually reminded how much quieter Xander was since high school. Since Anya. Since Sunnydale.
He watched as Xander raised a finger to the map and, with the gentlest touch, traced the path of his past year's journey. His words were slow and even. "Somalia ..." Xander dropped his head and took a deep breath. Reaching under Xander's shirt, Oz rested his hand on the small of his back. He felt Xander relax at the touch. "Ethiopia and Eritrea ... The Sudan.. Then down to Uganda and Kenra and back to Somalia. All that was ground travel." He choked back a laugh. "In a beat up old Jeep."
"From there we took a boat... to Oman... Pakistan... India. Train and then another Jeep to reach Nepal.... Then finally got to fly back here." His finger arced over Russian and Europe to land on London.
Oz made slow circles on Xander's back. "I've been there."
Xander turned back to looking at Asia. "Nepal?"
"Yeah. Back when I first left Sunnydale. Nepal, Tibet, hung out with some monks. It was beautiful. Peaceful."
"Yeah. It was nice after... well, after everywhere else." Xander turned and faced Oz. There was so much pain on his face. One eye dark and haunted, the other gone forever. Oz reached up and traced along the edge of the patch.
He'd made the same movement the week before in the orchard, when Xander told him about Somalia. He'd traced the patch that Xander always wore and asked why he hadn't let Willow fix him. It hurt to hear his answer. "It's easier to deal with the horrors of the world when the view is skewed."
Oz had leaned over and kissed his tears away and held him, making a silent promise that from then on out their travels would be together and only bring joy.
***
Giles stood at the backdoor watching Oz and Xander on the porch steps.
"Do you think we'd change if there was no moon?" Giles smiled at Xander's question.
Oz's own lips twitched, but he managed to hold back his laugh.
"Cause, I mean, you can change without it and you don't always change with it now. But the first time is always with the moon, right?" Xander was talking with his hands, something Giles hadn't realized he'd missed over the past months.
Oz nodded.
"So if we could fly to dark side of the moon we could escape the change?" He seemed so certain, so convinced. It was so very Xander.
"There's no escape, Xan. The wolf's not something you run away from. You are the wolf. Once you accept that, you'll be on your way to control." And that was so very Oz, Giles mused. He was careful with his words. Careful and frighteningly accurate.
"When did you become so ... all with the words and stuff? You used to just nod and give one-word answers."
Oz smiled, but his tone was serious. "When I got here and saw how quiet you'd become." Oz took Xander's hand and squeezed it. "Don't get lost in there, Xan. I like what I see."
Giles slipped away, not wanting to intrude any further.
(End of part II)
Title: Dark Side of the Moon, Part II
Author: Moosesal
Rating: general audiences
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Pairing: Xander/Oz, with Giles
Beta: silvertedy
Notes: Thank you to everyone who has been encouraging me to finish this since I posted the first part back in July 2004. Good grief, I'll try to be a little faster with the next part.
Previous parts (Ia, Ib, and a prequel) are in my memories. here.
Part II
It was sunrise and Giles let Xander out of his cage as he’d done sixteen times before. He went straight to his room, not stopping to speak to Giles or Oz. He thought maybe he’d handled the change better this moon. An hour later he lay in bed feeling like a failure.
For his first full moon, he'd spent the night in his room. Giles and Oz had secured Lorna in the basement and then Oz had sat guard with Xander through the night. He couldn’t remember any of it. He didn’t remember the following two nights either, when they’d all stayed in the basement -- he and Lorna in separate cages.
In between moons since then, Oz had been working with them both, teaching them how to use the wolf's senses and strength. How to call it out, how to rein it in. Lorna, it seemed, was a natural. Last night had been the second night of the sixth moon since Oz's arrival -- Lorna had stayed in human form, Xander had not. He'd tried, but he just couldn't make the connection.
Xander lay on his bed trying to remember the night before. He couldn't pick out anything and sighed from the frustration. The only thing he got was a sense of comforting, like he'd been held through the night. But there was nothing concrete, and there was nothing this morning to indicate his sense memory was accurate.
Besides, who would have held him? He had been a wolf all night.
He realized he was starving and had been since before his nap. He vaguely remembered being hungry in his cage. It was time to get up.
Xander smiled as he walked down the stairs -- the sound of guitars and soft singing drifted from the front room. Giles.
"But my dreams, they aren't as empty,
as my conscience seems to be,
I have hours, only lonely,
my love is vengeance
that's never free"
He entered the room to find not only Giles, but Oz as well. Oz looked up and smiled softly as he kept playing.
"Hey, I know this song," he interupted. "Limp Bizkit, right?"
Oz stifled his laughter as Giles abruptly stopped and turned. "I beg your pardon?"
"Behind Blue Eyes?"
"Yes?" Giles looked confused and Oz shook his head at Xander’s teasing.
"Yeah, Limp Bizkit. I love that song. Alhough, I don't really get that whole 'L-I-M-P Say It, Discover' part? I mean, what's that about?"
Unable to hold it in any longer, Oz cracked up. Giles turned to him, "What's so funny? And what on Earth is he talking about?"
Oz rolled his eyes at Xander. "It’s the The Who, Xander. We listened to them just last week? Pete Townsend wrote it. Probably before Fred Durst was even born." To Giles, he explained, "Ignore him, he’s teasing you." He started playing again then looked up at Xander. "But I don't know what that whole Speak-n-Spell part's about either."
"The Who, huh?" He grinned at Giles. "Well that explains how you know the words."
Giles gave Xander the evil eye, but they all knew it was in jest. Oz went back playing the song, humming as he played, and Xander wandered off to the kitchen to find something to eat.
***
Oz was amazed at the progress both Lorna and Xander had made in the last few months. Lorna had proved surprisingly easy to work with. Once she'd seen him change at will she'd been focused on learning the same control. He was impressed that she'd done it so quickly. He suspected that her Slayer powers might have something to do with it. She was still too volatile to be left entirely on her own, but he didn't think she'd need him much longer. Even last night, she'd been able to control the change and had spent the hours upstairs playing chess with Giles.
Xander's progress was slower than Lorna's, but it was still going quite well all things considered. After the first night's change, he'd withdrawn. He'd attended all of Oz's lessons, though he hadn't always heard them. Oz would look over to find him lost in his own thoughts. From what Giles had said, Xander had already been more quiet and withdrawn than during their high school days; the wolf had only brought more silence and new levels of solitude. But silence and solitude were things Oz understood. He gave the man his space while also trying to staying close and offer what comfort and support he could.
Today he was torn. They’d been working on Xander remembering what happened while he was a wolf. Oz recalled how uncomfortable he'd been early on, never knowing what he'd done. Once he started connecting to his wolf, things had become clearer. But this morning he was nervous that Xander would remember, and that he'd be bothered that Oz had changed with him and curled around him in the cage, holding him during the night’s storm. Xander had been agitated, pacing for a while, then cowering in the corner and howling when thunder shook the house, rain battering the windows.
Oz had first tried soothing Xander with his voice. Then he'd tried the guitar, which Xander's wolf usually sat perfectly still for. Neither had worked. Finally, Oz had entered the cage and let himself change. His hope had been that the notion of 'pack', even if it was only the two of them, would calm Xander. And it had.
He’d missed the comfort of another warm body next to his own. If he were honest with himself, he'd have to admit that he had wanted to curl up and protect Xander all the time. He wanted to make Xander feel safe and loved again. He wanted the haunted look on his face to disappear at his touch. He wanted Xander.
But Oz wasn't so sure Xander would want him.
***
Oz and Giles regularly played music together -- classic rock, original compositions, classical -- it was something they shared that had nothing to do with evil or the supernatural or apocalypses. It was an escape.
They'd been playing for about an hour when Xander had come down and teased Giles with his comments about Limp Bizkit. At least he'd known who The Who were, even if he pretended otherwise. Oz had been amused over the last few months to see Giles’s mortification at Xander's musical ignorance and -- even more horrifying -- by his music taste. Oz liked that Xander had a different experience from theirs, even if it meant he'd missed out on some great music.
Oz had listened as Xander fixed himself a sandwich and then slipped outside. He looked at Giles. "Hey. Mind if we pick this up later?"
Giles' smile made Oz wonder what exactly he had picked up on. "Not at all." Giles stayed behind, playing quietly as Oz left the house to meet Xander out back.
Xander looked up at him as Oz stepped out the door. "Hey."
"Hey."
Oz dropped down beside him on the steps. "How you feeling?"
"Okay. A little ... confused."
"Do you remember anything?"
Xander shook his head. "Just vague notions. Sorry."
"It's okay. It's not about speed, you'll get it."
Xander nodded. "I know."
They sat in silence for a few minutes and just as Oz was trying to figure out what to say, Xander spoke. "I keep feeling like someone was with me last night. But Lorna didn't change, did she? I thought she stayed upstairs. With Giles." Xander's face was a mix of confusion and concentration.
"Yeah." The two sat in silence again, staring at each other. "It was me, Xan." Oz's words were soft.
"What?"
"It was me. In the cage." Deep breath. "There was a storm and ... you were upset." Oz shrugged as he saw Xander's eyes cloud over. "I changed to help calm you."
Oz watched Xander as he tried to remember. "You curled up with me?"
He nodded.
"I didn't just imagine that?"
"No."
Xander's relaxed a bit. "Thanks."
Nod.
The two sat in silence for what felt like hours. Xander finished his sandwich and they just sat there, staring at the the distance. Without looking over Xander broke the silence, "Stay with me again tonight?"
Oz put his hand over Xander's. "Whatever you want."
Xander turned his hand to hold Oz's, then stood and pulled him up. "Walk with me?"
Xander led them to the orchard. "When I was in Africa? Looking for a slayer?" he glanced over at Oz. "I got stuck in this building in Mogadishu when a mini-war sprang up all around me. Bombs, gunfire. It was pitch black. The building was shaking, and I thought it was gonna collapse."
Xander paused and Oz squeezed his hand.
"Anyway, sometimes ... when there's a bad storm or something ... thunder, especially... it makes me feel trapped like that again."
"The cage probably didn't help."
Xander stopped walking and turned to Oz.
"It's okay, Xan." Tears slid down his cheek. Oz reached up and wiped them away.
"When I found the slayer --" his voice broke.
Oz caught Xander as his knees buckled and he lowered them both to the ground, Xander landing partially in his lap. "It's okay," he whispered. "I've got you. You're safe."
Xander sat with his forehead on Oz's shoulder and stared at the ground. "I don't want to do this anymore. The crying. The fear." He raised his head to look at Xander. "I just..."
Oz understood and knew that Giles would understand too. It was time for Xander to move on, no more Council work. The sat there staring at the trees, listening to the birds until the sun went down.
***
Oz ran his fingers over the map on Xander's wall, pausing at the circles drawn around the cities he'd been to. "Addis Ababa?"
"Yeah."
Oz noticed the darkness on Xander's face, the hesitancy to speak. Over their last few months together, Oz was continually reminded how much quieter Xander was since high school. Since Anya. Since Sunnydale.
He watched as Xander raised a finger to the map and, with the gentlest touch, traced the path of his past year's journey. His words were slow and even. "Somalia ..." Xander dropped his head and took a deep breath. Reaching under Xander's shirt, Oz rested his hand on the small of his back. He felt Xander relax at the touch. "Ethiopia and Eritrea ... The Sudan.. Then down to Uganda and Kenra and back to Somalia. All that was ground travel." He choked back a laugh. "In a beat up old Jeep."
"From there we took a boat... to Oman... Pakistan... India. Train and then another Jeep to reach Nepal.... Then finally got to fly back here." His finger arced over Russian and Europe to land on London.
Oz made slow circles on Xander's back. "I've been there."
Xander turned back to looking at Asia. "Nepal?"
"Yeah. Back when I first left Sunnydale. Nepal, Tibet, hung out with some monks. It was beautiful. Peaceful."
"Yeah. It was nice after... well, after everywhere else." Xander turned and faced Oz. There was so much pain on his face. One eye dark and haunted, the other gone forever. Oz reached up and traced along the edge of the patch.
He'd made the same movement the week before in the orchard, when Xander told him about Somalia. He'd traced the patch that Xander always wore and asked why he hadn't let Willow fix him. It hurt to hear his answer. "It's easier to deal with the horrors of the world when the view is skewed."
Oz had leaned over and kissed his tears away and held him, making a silent promise that from then on out their travels would be together and only bring joy.
***
Giles stood at the backdoor watching Oz and Xander on the porch steps.
"Do you think we'd change if there was no moon?" Giles smiled at Xander's question.
Oz's own lips twitched, but he managed to hold back his laugh.
"Cause, I mean, you can change without it and you don't always change with it now. But the first time is always with the moon, right?" Xander was talking with his hands, something Giles hadn't realized he'd missed over the past months.
Oz nodded.
"So if we could fly to dark side of the moon we could escape the change?" He seemed so certain, so convinced. It was so very Xander.
"There's no escape, Xan. The wolf's not something you run away from. You are the wolf. Once you accept that, you'll be on your way to control." And that was so very Oz, Giles mused. He was careful with his words. Careful and frighteningly accurate.
"When did you become so ... all with the words and stuff? You used to just nod and give one-word answers."
Oz smiled, but his tone was serious. "When I got here and saw how quiet you'd become." Oz took Xander's hand and squeezed it. "Don't get lost in there, Xan. I like what I see."
Giles slipped away, not wanting to intrude any further.
(End of part II)