Fic - The Last Time (Clark/Lex, hard R)
This is for the Johnny Cash Multifandom Ficathon that vylit organized. Check out the other stories -- I've only read two so far, but they were wonderful.
Title: The Last Time
Author: Moosesal
Fandom: Smallville
Pairing: Clark/Lex
Note: This is an AU future. It jumps around in time. I hope it lives as well in print as it does in my head.
Beta: Thanks so much to ldthomps and lady_shain for the last minute betas today (especially last minute since I sent them the wrong file the first time around). And belated thanks to entrenous88 for looking at the very early and very rough draft of this and telling me it was worth pursuing.
My lyric was from "It Ain't Me, Babe" (performed by Johnny but written by my beloved Bob Dylan)
You say you're lookin' for someone
Never weak but always strong.
To protect you and defend you
Whether you are right or wrong.
I pretty much drew inspiration from the entire song (lyrics here).
“Whatever you're looking for, Clark, ... it's not me.”
“It's always been you, Lex.”
Clark's hand was warm against Lex's jaw, his grip firm as he leaned in and pressed his mouth to Lex's. He held him as if he knew Lex would pull away, would leave.
In reality, it was always Clark who left -- and he would leave again. Lex would make sure of it.
They tumbled to the bed. Lex closed his eyes as he arched into Clark's touch. One last time. This time he was sure that he meant it.
***
Lex had always been searching. For love. For trust.
He'd known it once - in his mother's eyes, in her arms, in her heart -- and then it was gone. Nothing since had filled that empty space inside of him. Not books or work; not drugs or booze; not fast cars; not faster women. Nothing. Until Clark.
He'd opened his eyes one autumn day on the bank of a Kansas river to find a boy leaning over him, breathing life back into his body. In that moment he'd known something great would come of their meeting. Clark had saved him. Lex would be forever in his debt, but now he found that he couldn't pay the price Clark wanted. Not after all the fabrications, the deceit.
He couldn't find it in himself to forgive. No matter how much he loved him, needed him, wanted him. All he could see were the lies, the betrayals. He couldn't be what Clark needed. He couldn't give himself over like that.
***
"Make love to me, Lex." The words whispered against his mouth was the invitation he'd been waiting for for years. Being inside Clark was all Lex had wanted for longer than he could remember. He'd lost himself in sex before, but with Clark ... with Clark the escape was different. Every kiss, every touch was special. Each time was like their first time--discovering each other, falling into each other.
Clark's body was lean and strong against his, yet at the same time soft and yielding. In bed he was completely open to Lex. Looking into Clark's eyes while deep inside him, Lex felt like he was flying. It was a freedom he'd never known.
"Lex, Lex, Lex," Clark would pant, his voice raw, as he neared the edge. Then he would go completely rigid and silent as he came. His head would tip back, neck given up to Lex's lips, tongue, teeth, asking to be marked in spite of the impossibility. So desperate, so beautiful. And all Lex's.
One bullet changed everything.
***
“Protect you, Clark? You're the 'man of steel.' You don't need my protection.” He turned his back to Clark. “You never really did,” he whispered.
“You're wrong. I'm not strong enough to ... to do this on my own. To be Superman and all that comes with it. I need you. You're my friend.”
Lex choked out a laugh and shook his head as he looked out at the Metropolis skyline. “We haven't been friends in a long time, Clark.”
“Lex,” he pleaded. “Look at me.”
Lex half turned and stared hard at Clark.
“You've always been there for me. You've looked out for me from the beginning. You can't deny it. You're turning me away now because you're still the strong one. You think it's for the best, that it's right for me. But you're wrong. You're wrong, Lex. The best thing for both of us is to be together.”
“Fly back to your cozy little apartment, Clark. I'm not the one you need.”
“Lex--”
“We're practically enemies now. Haven't you read the paper lately? You're the superhero, I'm the supervillain. I seem to recall your name in the byline? Or does Lois just add your name to the articles she writes while you're off saving the world?” He turned around and walked into the penthouse. “Just go home, Clark.” As he slid the glass closed, he stared past Clark at the stars obscured by the city lights.
***
"Harder, Lex. Please." Clark was begging. It was always like this after some serious disaster. Clark took so much inside him saving the world, then came to Lex to let it all go.
Lex obliged, thrusting inside Clark hard and fast, pushing them both closer and closer.
"Lex," Clark looked at him, sharp and clear. "I love you. Always you." And then his eyes squeezed shut, his breath came in harsh gasps, and his body shuddered. His hands left Lex's hips to fist the sheets. Lex heard the soft fabric rip and smiled as he drove harder toward his own climax.
"And I you," he whispered.
***
It figured, Lex thought. He'd spent years searching, and now he had it, flying into his window at night, crawling into his bed in the early hours. And all he wanted? Was a way out.
He felt like a hypocrite. After all, he'd lied to Clark so many times he'd lost count. But seeing Clark catch a bullet meant for him had confirmed what he'd already, somehow, known. Clark's feeble attempt at denial was the last straw.
He couldn't do this. He needed solitude and secrecy -- the comforts of being a Luthor. He locked the balcony door and checked the windows before slipping off to bed.
Clark had the Fortress, Lex had the penthouse. Had he known how long he'd actually end up alone there, he would have left a window cracked.
***
"Clark?" Lex rolled toward the window to see Clark climbing in and closing it behind him.
"Go back to sleep," he said as he slipped out of his costume.
Lex rolled back over and relaxed as Clark crawled into bed and curled up behind him.
"Good patrol?"
Clark hesitated before saying, "Fine. Everything's fine. Go back to sleep."
Now that Lex knew Clark's big secret, the little lies were somehow harder to ignore. But pushing Clark for the truth would do no good.
***
"Please, Lex. Give me another chance. Give us another chance."
"Clark, I--"
"I love you. I promise it'll be different. No more secrets."
"Clark--" his protest was cut off by strong hands on his shoulders, soft lips at the corner of his mouth.
One last try, he thought. He meant it. He'd meant it all the other times, too.
***
Their first kiss had been right out of a movie -- July 4th fireworks in the background as they stood on the balcony of Lex's penthouse. Clark's mouth had tasted sweet, his eyes shining brightly. Lex had wondered how many Cokes the boy had downed as he practically vibrated with energy.
Clark had been telling some stupid story about a professor. He was making these crazy faces as he spoke and Lex was laughing so hard he could barely catch his breath. Just as he was getting himself back together, Clark had leaned in and kissed him. The next firework startled them both and they parted, laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation.
Clark's cheeks were flushed and as he stared at Lex, their laughter died away and they were kissing again.
***
"What do you want for your birthday?"
"I want you to stay home all night."
"Lex--"
"I know."
***
"Clark," he gasped. "Jesus, yes ... Oh ... unh." He was gasping for air as Clark thrust inside him.
"So good. So hot for me." Clark leaned down and captured Lex's mouth as their bodies moved together.
This was it. The last time. It was heaven. Lex wondered how long he'd last before he broke again.
"I love you." The words spoken soft against his mouth, his cheek, his neck his ear.
"And I you." But it didn't change anything.
***
"It's over, Clark. Just go."
"Lex--"
"I'm sure Lois will be happy to look after any of your ... needs."
"You know it's not like that. We're just friends."
"As were we once."
Clark stared in disbelief. "We still are."
"We haven't been friends in a long time."
***
The bullet had been meant for him. Someone had followed them to Clark's crappy little apartment and fired a shot through the open window.
Mercy had warned him time and again that it wasn't safe there, but Clark hated always going to the penthouse, always using Lex's things. Being in Clark's world was one thing Lex could give him that he would take.
They'd been in Clark's bed, Lex straddling his hips, teasing him. Then all of a sudden Lex was flat on his back and Clark held a bullet between thumb and forefinger.
The two had stared at each other for a long moment before Clark stammered some bullshit line about adrenaline of all things.
When Lex called him on it, Clark wouldn't budge. Lex got dressed and left.
The next morning the would-be assassin was in jail--turned in by Superman, of course.
Two days after that, he'd landed on Lex's balcony and told him everything. But it didn't stop the pattern they'd fallen into. They'd been lying to each other for too long and even the truth couldn't change what they'd become.
***
“It's always been you, Lex.” The conversation was familiar. As was the hand on his face, cupping his jaw. Warm and steady, strong enough to crush him, gentle enough to ease the tension away.
“Always me, Clark. But not always you.” Lex pulled away from his touch and moved to the open window. He looked down at the street hundreds of feet below. If he jumped, would Clark save him? He'd been tempted so many times while Clark was gone. “You disappear for seven months and then come back expecting ... what? That nothing will change? People notice things, Clark. Superman's gone for months and so is Lex Luthor's boyfriend. They both return at the same time. It doesn't take a genius to figure things out."
"People believe what they want to believe, Lex. And you can make them believe anything."
"Hunh," Lex huffed. "I can't protect you when I can't face you on my own.”
Lex didn't even need to look back to read the apology on Clark's face. “I didn't--”
“You never do, Clark. It doesn't matter. You need someone strong to protect your identity. Someone to keep you safe, to defend you." He sighed and leaned against the window frame. “You're my weakness, Clark. I'm not strong enough to forgive you for lying to me. Not strong enough to forgive myself for loving you anyway. I'm not the one for the job, Clark. I'll only let you down.”
Clark didn't move or say anything and Lex knew that somewhere inside he got it, he understood. “I--”
“I know.”
Lex felt only the lightest breeze as Clark slipped past him and out the window. It felt like a kiss goodbye.
The End
Title: The Last Time
Author: Moosesal
Fandom: Smallville
Pairing: Clark/Lex
Note: This is an AU future. It jumps around in time. I hope it lives as well in print as it does in my head.
Beta: Thanks so much to ldthomps and lady_shain for the last minute betas today (especially last minute since I sent them the wrong file the first time around). And belated thanks to entrenous88 for looking at the very early and very rough draft of this and telling me it was worth pursuing.
My lyric was from "It Ain't Me, Babe" (performed by Johnny but written by my beloved Bob Dylan)
You say you're lookin' for someone
Never weak but always strong.
To protect you and defend you
Whether you are right or wrong.
I pretty much drew inspiration from the entire song (lyrics here).
“Whatever you're looking for, Clark, ... it's not me.”
“It's always been you, Lex.”
Clark's hand was warm against Lex's jaw, his grip firm as he leaned in and pressed his mouth to Lex's. He held him as if he knew Lex would pull away, would leave.
In reality, it was always Clark who left -- and he would leave again. Lex would make sure of it.
They tumbled to the bed. Lex closed his eyes as he arched into Clark's touch. One last time. This time he was sure that he meant it.
***
Lex had always been searching. For love. For trust.
He'd known it once - in his mother's eyes, in her arms, in her heart -- and then it was gone. Nothing since had filled that empty space inside of him. Not books or work; not drugs or booze; not fast cars; not faster women. Nothing. Until Clark.
He'd opened his eyes one autumn day on the bank of a Kansas river to find a boy leaning over him, breathing life back into his body. In that moment he'd known something great would come of their meeting. Clark had saved him. Lex would be forever in his debt, but now he found that he couldn't pay the price Clark wanted. Not after all the fabrications, the deceit.
He couldn't find it in himself to forgive. No matter how much he loved him, needed him, wanted him. All he could see were the lies, the betrayals. He couldn't be what Clark needed. He couldn't give himself over like that.
***
"Make love to me, Lex." The words whispered against his mouth was the invitation he'd been waiting for for years. Being inside Clark was all Lex had wanted for longer than he could remember. He'd lost himself in sex before, but with Clark ... with Clark the escape was different. Every kiss, every touch was special. Each time was like their first time--discovering each other, falling into each other.
Clark's body was lean and strong against his, yet at the same time soft and yielding. In bed he was completely open to Lex. Looking into Clark's eyes while deep inside him, Lex felt like he was flying. It was a freedom he'd never known.
"Lex, Lex, Lex," Clark would pant, his voice raw, as he neared the edge. Then he would go completely rigid and silent as he came. His head would tip back, neck given up to Lex's lips, tongue, teeth, asking to be marked in spite of the impossibility. So desperate, so beautiful. And all Lex's.
One bullet changed everything.
***
“Protect you, Clark? You're the 'man of steel.' You don't need my protection.” He turned his back to Clark. “You never really did,” he whispered.
“You're wrong. I'm not strong enough to ... to do this on my own. To be Superman and all that comes with it. I need you. You're my friend.”
Lex choked out a laugh and shook his head as he looked out at the Metropolis skyline. “We haven't been friends in a long time, Clark.”
“Lex,” he pleaded. “Look at me.”
Lex half turned and stared hard at Clark.
“You've always been there for me. You've looked out for me from the beginning. You can't deny it. You're turning me away now because you're still the strong one. You think it's for the best, that it's right for me. But you're wrong. You're wrong, Lex. The best thing for both of us is to be together.”
“Fly back to your cozy little apartment, Clark. I'm not the one you need.”
“Lex--”
“We're practically enemies now. Haven't you read the paper lately? You're the superhero, I'm the supervillain. I seem to recall your name in the byline? Or does Lois just add your name to the articles she writes while you're off saving the world?” He turned around and walked into the penthouse. “Just go home, Clark.” As he slid the glass closed, he stared past Clark at the stars obscured by the city lights.
***
"Harder, Lex. Please." Clark was begging. It was always like this after some serious disaster. Clark took so much inside him saving the world, then came to Lex to let it all go.
Lex obliged, thrusting inside Clark hard and fast, pushing them both closer and closer.
"Lex," Clark looked at him, sharp and clear. "I love you. Always you." And then his eyes squeezed shut, his breath came in harsh gasps, and his body shuddered. His hands left Lex's hips to fist the sheets. Lex heard the soft fabric rip and smiled as he drove harder toward his own climax.
"And I you," he whispered.
***
It figured, Lex thought. He'd spent years searching, and now he had it, flying into his window at night, crawling into his bed in the early hours. And all he wanted? Was a way out.
He felt like a hypocrite. After all, he'd lied to Clark so many times he'd lost count. But seeing Clark catch a bullet meant for him had confirmed what he'd already, somehow, known. Clark's feeble attempt at denial was the last straw.
He couldn't do this. He needed solitude and secrecy -- the comforts of being a Luthor. He locked the balcony door and checked the windows before slipping off to bed.
Clark had the Fortress, Lex had the penthouse. Had he known how long he'd actually end up alone there, he would have left a window cracked.
***
"Clark?" Lex rolled toward the window to see Clark climbing in and closing it behind him.
"Go back to sleep," he said as he slipped out of his costume.
Lex rolled back over and relaxed as Clark crawled into bed and curled up behind him.
"Good patrol?"
Clark hesitated before saying, "Fine. Everything's fine. Go back to sleep."
Now that Lex knew Clark's big secret, the little lies were somehow harder to ignore. But pushing Clark for the truth would do no good.
***
"Please, Lex. Give me another chance. Give us another chance."
"Clark, I--"
"I love you. I promise it'll be different. No more secrets."
"Clark--" his protest was cut off by strong hands on his shoulders, soft lips at the corner of his mouth.
One last try, he thought. He meant it. He'd meant it all the other times, too.
***
Their first kiss had been right out of a movie -- July 4th fireworks in the background as they stood on the balcony of Lex's penthouse. Clark's mouth had tasted sweet, his eyes shining brightly. Lex had wondered how many Cokes the boy had downed as he practically vibrated with energy.
Clark had been telling some stupid story about a professor. He was making these crazy faces as he spoke and Lex was laughing so hard he could barely catch his breath. Just as he was getting himself back together, Clark had leaned in and kissed him. The next firework startled them both and they parted, laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation.
Clark's cheeks were flushed and as he stared at Lex, their laughter died away and they were kissing again.
***
"What do you want for your birthday?"
"I want you to stay home all night."
"Lex--"
"I know."
***
"Clark," he gasped. "Jesus, yes ... Oh ... unh." He was gasping for air as Clark thrust inside him.
"So good. So hot for me." Clark leaned down and captured Lex's mouth as their bodies moved together.
This was it. The last time. It was heaven. Lex wondered how long he'd last before he broke again.
"I love you." The words spoken soft against his mouth, his cheek, his neck his ear.
"And I you." But it didn't change anything.
***
"It's over, Clark. Just go."
"Lex--"
"I'm sure Lois will be happy to look after any of your ... needs."
"You know it's not like that. We're just friends."
"As were we once."
Clark stared in disbelief. "We still are."
"We haven't been friends in a long time."
***
The bullet had been meant for him. Someone had followed them to Clark's crappy little apartment and fired a shot through the open window.
Mercy had warned him time and again that it wasn't safe there, but Clark hated always going to the penthouse, always using Lex's things. Being in Clark's world was one thing Lex could give him that he would take.
They'd been in Clark's bed, Lex straddling his hips, teasing him. Then all of a sudden Lex was flat on his back and Clark held a bullet between thumb and forefinger.
The two had stared at each other for a long moment before Clark stammered some bullshit line about adrenaline of all things.
When Lex called him on it, Clark wouldn't budge. Lex got dressed and left.
The next morning the would-be assassin was in jail--turned in by Superman, of course.
Two days after that, he'd landed on Lex's balcony and told him everything. But it didn't stop the pattern they'd fallen into. They'd been lying to each other for too long and even the truth couldn't change what they'd become.
***
“It's always been you, Lex.” The conversation was familiar. As was the hand on his face, cupping his jaw. Warm and steady, strong enough to crush him, gentle enough to ease the tension away.
“Always me, Clark. But not always you.” Lex pulled away from his touch and moved to the open window. He looked down at the street hundreds of feet below. If he jumped, would Clark save him? He'd been tempted so many times while Clark was gone. “You disappear for seven months and then come back expecting ... what? That nothing will change? People notice things, Clark. Superman's gone for months and so is Lex Luthor's boyfriend. They both return at the same time. It doesn't take a genius to figure things out."
"People believe what they want to believe, Lex. And you can make them believe anything."
"Hunh," Lex huffed. "I can't protect you when I can't face you on my own.”
Lex didn't even need to look back to read the apology on Clark's face. “I didn't--”
“You never do, Clark. It doesn't matter. You need someone strong to protect your identity. Someone to keep you safe, to defend you." He sighed and leaned against the window frame. “You're my weakness, Clark. I'm not strong enough to forgive you for lying to me. Not strong enough to forgive myself for loving you anyway. I'm not the one for the job, Clark. I'll only let you down.”
Clark didn't move or say anything and Lex knew that somewhere inside he got it, he understood. “I--”
“I know.”
Lex felt only the lightest breeze as Clark slipped past him and out the window. It felt like a kiss goodbye.
The End