Long, detailed dream.
I had a dream and you were in it. I'm not kidding... but it's long and funny and depressing all at the same time. :)
So, once again I had the dream where I was comforting myself... but little me wasn't in my room.
I "woke up" with a bunch of people in Cornsbrook territory. Mostly those that had been there before, and some that hadn't... but all the people I consider my good friends. I explained to some what the place was and I remember Jaye, Debbie, Rachel and Tony all remembering random times they had been there before. Rachel was able to point out where the asylum was in relation to the school and the nightclub.
We wandered around and then we hit what I like to call "Rebekah's house of mirrors". This place comes up every time I have a story with Hell in it. Every mirror shows a different version of me... Either one that happened or one that could have. So we're passing little Rebekah's with missing arms and ones that are crying with teeth knocked out and a dead one and all kinds of things. Then finally we reach one that looks like Steven, stitches and all, about 21. He says, "Hello", apologizes and states that what's about to happen was necessary. Then he becomes a much younger version of him... then a very young me happened... but it's everything at once. So... She's all mumbly, and I know she sounds like I did deaf, but everyone can understand her anyway. Vic I think is the one to notice that we can all understand what shouldn't be understood.
The little me starts to talk about everything that's happened to her and is very, VERY depressing about it... starting to cry... "I'm always alone. Why won't she stop touching me. Make the pain stop..." and I'm trying to tell her everything is going to be okay but she doesn't hear me... and WAY in the distance, I can see someone coming behind her... but so far away that it will take them a long while to get there... I try to break the glass with my fist, and SEVERELY damage my wrist... like, blood gushing, bones sticking out... Either Jaye or Gregg puts a hand on it and fixes it... and then Luna/Nikki (they were Luna or Nikki depending on the light) puts a hand on my shoulder and sort of ushers me aside as Paul and a bunch of other people start kicking the shit out of the glass. It shatters everywhere but softly enough that I can walk through it... and a lot of it stands still like in Constantine.
I grab the little me and start telling her "It's okay. No, you aren't going to be alone. You're going to have good friends who care enough about you to walk through Hell. You're going to be loved." She starts talking about Mom and Dad and I repeatedly tell her that they're trying, they just don't know... I start bawling, people behind me start crying... I look at the little me and she has blood dripping from her nose like when Anna had broken my nose. (The day that caused me to not breathe for almost ten years of my life because they never got it fixed and forgot about me...) She starts saying she'll be ugly forever and be too ugly for anyone to love her. I tell her that isn't true, and suddenly I realize that I'm already past my surgery, so she doesn't recognize me as her future self anymore... so she doesn't believe me.
Then we see John, Anna, a few elementary school students, a bunch of VERY scary looking doctors and pretty much every "villain" from my life that ever once did something that they shouldn't have or did something I should have spoken against but didn't out of fear or lack of strength or simply lack of will.
Rachel picks up little me from my arms, and manages to do it in the way I remember being the only way that didn't hurt me. (After a while my parents stopped hugging me all together because they thought I just didn't like it. They didn't realize that it fucking hurt... It was only a couple of years ago that I told them they could do it again.) And ALL the people there step up in front of me as the Anna-gang of doctors and such grow humongous. They are these grotesque monsters at least 10 to 15 feet tall... some more, some less... and they're all characters from other nightmares I had. Even the first recurring dream I ever had, where a creature ripped off my arms from the elbow down and then got paid by Anna. According to this, EVERY nightmare was some how "funded" by her.
I'm not sure where they came from, but people had weapons. I remember Marcus having a katana, Jaye having some other kind of BIG FUCKING sword like something out of a Final Fantasy, Tony looked like he came out of the Mafia with guns, as did Scott and Aaron and Allison and Debbie, Sara, Josh, Eve and I think Lea and Halley (not entirely sure) were all knives. I don't remember what anyone else had, but I know some people had magick. I think CarolAnn did and Squee had some kind of fire thing and I know Claire was reading from a book... The book was cool because when she said certain things, pages from the book turned into things I had drawn to be good guys in my head. :)
Rachel was flying somewhere with little me... And Flex wound up like, getting this stick thing... staff thing... I'm not entirely sure... but whatever it was he tried to spear two doctors together and they wound up just melding into one thingy with two heads... Wolfy turned into a wolf and tried to just gnaw and rip people... Most of them could regenerate... (Probably do to going to gaming last night) and then Deddrie, Steven, Garnet, fucking MORGAN, Skythe, Seiber, Hantise and a bunch of others show up. Risker was riding Snykelbeistump (which was not supposed to be possible, but okay) and Marcus and someone else (maybe Megan or Jenny or Kimli?) were on the Blinkie-Doogie. ...Anything that could fight for my side did. Anna's army became even greater in number... and then, I kid you not, an epic battle occurred. Dude... There was background music. I turned into Rage/Wrath for a bit... That was fun, but didn’t do much...
We all were fine because anytime someone got hurt, someone else could heal it, so... we won... and I looked to see if little me was all better but she wasn't. And she told me that she just wanted everything to stop... and I told her it would. I told her that everything matters and happens for a reason and that everyone goes through something because that's what makes life worth living. The idea that we can get past something makes us greater than those that have had nothing to accomplish and we are better people for it... Especially when we find other people along the way that understand, even if their situation is very different from ours. (Awwww!) Then she faded off, Steven Stitches appeared again... and then we all had a giant tea party. ...and then I woke up during Karaoke. ...I know D&D Mike was somewhere in the fight because he wound up cutting off a doctor head at one point, but I don't remember my other Mike there until the singing happened. :-p
...With little me, I remember most of it was fine because I could honestly say, “no, that’s not true” or “It’ll get better and you will be fine”... the part that made me cry the most was the one I couldn’t say got any better. She was talking about the bathroom. The bathroom became sort of a bizarre fetish for me years later just in an effort to not be terrified every time I took a shit... but you’re pretty fucking vulnerable in the bathroom. In the shower, you’re deaf and blind and naked.
On the toilet, you’ve got your pants down and you aren’t going anywhere... Due to John I always double check the lock on bathroom doors (he thought it was funny to burst in on me at random) and due to Anna I always check behind the shower curtain to make sure no one is going to jump out. I STILL do those things. ...But I used to be so afraid because the bathroom is one of the key places that Anna would hurt me, and then years later where John would guilt me. (If I tell you not to come in and not to hold my hair back while I’m puking, do NOT then come in and do it anyway just so you can then use that in an argument when I’m healthy. “Yeah? And who the fuck held your hair back when you fucking puked huh??? ME.” Yeah... fuck you.)
Anyway, so she was crying about having to go in there. ...I remember once when I was very little staying in my room with two trash cans. One for vomit and the other for shit (both were promptly thrown out) so I wouldn’t have to spend so many hours in the bathroom, knowing Anna was going to come in when I couldn’t move. (She used hangers on all the locks in the house.) But... That didn’t get much better. A little before I went to Montserrat, I spent three days coming out both ends in the upstairs bathroom. Me sitting on the toilet, with the trash can in front of me... for THREE DAYS. Mom would try to feed me soup and ask if I wanted to go to the hospital, but I knew what they would do if I went so I didn’t bother. I then would collapse on the floor when I finally needed sleep and shake and vomit a little until I had to get up half an hour later to shit more.
Good fucking times. (And yet? They didn’t think I had something REALLY wrong with me other than allergies... but that is understandable. When you’ve got one daughter that’s fucking nuts and awful, you want the other one to be okay. So, on the one hand, I look like such a saint that I could kill someone and they wouldn’t care... but on the other... I can need help and help won’t really come.) So... Yeah. That was the whole dream. I liked most of it and the ending and I’m not entirely sure what such an epic dream meant other than “look, I’ve got friends”. Oh well.
So, once again I had the dream where I was comforting myself... but little me wasn't in my room.
I "woke up" with a bunch of people in Cornsbrook territory. Mostly those that had been there before, and some that hadn't... but all the people I consider my good friends. I explained to some what the place was and I remember Jaye, Debbie, Rachel and Tony all remembering random times they had been there before. Rachel was able to point out where the asylum was in relation to the school and the nightclub.
We wandered around and then we hit what I like to call "Rebekah's house of mirrors". This place comes up every time I have a story with Hell in it. Every mirror shows a different version of me... Either one that happened or one that could have. So we're passing little Rebekah's with missing arms and ones that are crying with teeth knocked out and a dead one and all kinds of things. Then finally we reach one that looks like Steven, stitches and all, about 21. He says, "Hello", apologizes and states that what's about to happen was necessary. Then he becomes a much younger version of him... then a very young me happened... but it's everything at once. So... She's all mumbly, and I know she sounds like I did deaf, but everyone can understand her anyway. Vic I think is the one to notice that we can all understand what shouldn't be understood.
The little me starts to talk about everything that's happened to her and is very, VERY depressing about it... starting to cry... "I'm always alone. Why won't she stop touching me. Make the pain stop..." and I'm trying to tell her everything is going to be okay but she doesn't hear me... and WAY in the distance, I can see someone coming behind her... but so far away that it will take them a long while to get there... I try to break the glass with my fist, and SEVERELY damage my wrist... like, blood gushing, bones sticking out... Either Jaye or Gregg puts a hand on it and fixes it... and then Luna/Nikki (they were Luna or Nikki depending on the light) puts a hand on my shoulder and sort of ushers me aside as Paul and a bunch of other people start kicking the shit out of the glass. It shatters everywhere but softly enough that I can walk through it... and a lot of it stands still like in Constantine.
I grab the little me and start telling her "It's okay. No, you aren't going to be alone. You're going to have good friends who care enough about you to walk through Hell. You're going to be loved." She starts talking about Mom and Dad and I repeatedly tell her that they're trying, they just don't know... I start bawling, people behind me start crying... I look at the little me and she has blood dripping from her nose like when Anna had broken my nose. (The day that caused me to not breathe for almost ten years of my life because they never got it fixed and forgot about me...) She starts saying she'll be ugly forever and be too ugly for anyone to love her. I tell her that isn't true, and suddenly I realize that I'm already past my surgery, so she doesn't recognize me as her future self anymore... so she doesn't believe me.
Then we see John, Anna, a few elementary school students, a bunch of VERY scary looking doctors and pretty much every "villain" from my life that ever once did something that they shouldn't have or did something I should have spoken against but didn't out of fear or lack of strength or simply lack of will.
Rachel picks up little me from my arms, and manages to do it in the way I remember being the only way that didn't hurt me. (After a while my parents stopped hugging me all together because they thought I just didn't like it. They didn't realize that it fucking hurt... It was only a couple of years ago that I told them they could do it again.) And ALL the people there step up in front of me as the Anna-gang of doctors and such grow humongous. They are these grotesque monsters at least 10 to 15 feet tall... some more, some less... and they're all characters from other nightmares I had. Even the first recurring dream I ever had, where a creature ripped off my arms from the elbow down and then got paid by Anna. According to this, EVERY nightmare was some how "funded" by her.
I'm not sure where they came from, but people had weapons. I remember Marcus having a katana, Jaye having some other kind of BIG FUCKING sword like something out of a Final Fantasy, Tony looked like he came out of the Mafia with guns, as did Scott and Aaron and Allison and Debbie, Sara, Josh, Eve and I think Lea and Halley (not entirely sure) were all knives. I don't remember what anyone else had, but I know some people had magick. I think CarolAnn did and Squee had some kind of fire thing and I know Claire was reading from a book... The book was cool because when she said certain things, pages from the book turned into things I had drawn to be good guys in my head. :)
Rachel was flying somewhere with little me... And Flex wound up like, getting this stick thing... staff thing... I'm not entirely sure... but whatever it was he tried to spear two doctors together and they wound up just melding into one thingy with two heads... Wolfy turned into a wolf and tried to just gnaw and rip people... Most of them could regenerate... (Probably do to going to gaming last night) and then Deddrie, Steven, Garnet, fucking MORGAN, Skythe, Seiber, Hantise and a bunch of others show up. Risker was riding Snykelbeistump (which was not supposed to be possible, but okay) and Marcus and someone else (maybe Megan or Jenny or Kimli?) were on the Blinkie-Doogie. ...Anything that could fight for my side did. Anna's army became even greater in number... and then, I kid you not, an epic battle occurred. Dude... There was background music. I turned into Rage/Wrath for a bit... That was fun, but didn’t do much...
We all were fine because anytime someone got hurt, someone else could heal it, so... we won... and I looked to see if little me was all better but she wasn't. And she told me that she just wanted everything to stop... and I told her it would. I told her that everything matters and happens for a reason and that everyone goes through something because that's what makes life worth living. The idea that we can get past something makes us greater than those that have had nothing to accomplish and we are better people for it... Especially when we find other people along the way that understand, even if their situation is very different from ours. (Awwww!) Then she faded off, Steven Stitches appeared again... and then we all had a giant tea party. ...and then I woke up during Karaoke. ...I know D&D Mike was somewhere in the fight because he wound up cutting off a doctor head at one point, but I don't remember my other Mike there until the singing happened. :-p
...With little me, I remember most of it was fine because I could honestly say, “no, that’s not true” or “It’ll get better and you will be fine”... the part that made me cry the most was the one I couldn’t say got any better. She was talking about the bathroom. The bathroom became sort of a bizarre fetish for me years later just in an effort to not be terrified every time I took a shit... but you’re pretty fucking vulnerable in the bathroom. In the shower, you’re deaf and blind and naked.
On the toilet, you’ve got your pants down and you aren’t going anywhere... Due to John I always double check the lock on bathroom doors (he thought it was funny to burst in on me at random) and due to Anna I always check behind the shower curtain to make sure no one is going to jump out. I STILL do those things. ...But I used to be so afraid because the bathroom is one of the key places that Anna would hurt me, and then years later where John would guilt me. (If I tell you not to come in and not to hold my hair back while I’m puking, do NOT then come in and do it anyway just so you can then use that in an argument when I’m healthy. “Yeah? And who the fuck held your hair back when you fucking puked huh??? ME.” Yeah... fuck you.)
Anyway, so she was crying about having to go in there. ...I remember once when I was very little staying in my room with two trash cans. One for vomit and the other for shit (both were promptly thrown out) so I wouldn’t have to spend so many hours in the bathroom, knowing Anna was going to come in when I couldn’t move. (She used hangers on all the locks in the house.) But... That didn’t get much better. A little before I went to Montserrat, I spent three days coming out both ends in the upstairs bathroom. Me sitting on the toilet, with the trash can in front of me... for THREE DAYS. Mom would try to feed me soup and ask if I wanted to go to the hospital, but I knew what they would do if I went so I didn’t bother. I then would collapse on the floor when I finally needed sleep and shake and vomit a little until I had to get up half an hour later to shit more.
Good fucking times. (And yet? They didn’t think I had something REALLY wrong with me other than allergies... but that is understandable. When you’ve got one daughter that’s fucking nuts and awful, you want the other one to be okay. So, on the one hand, I look like such a saint that I could kill someone and they wouldn’t care... but on the other... I can need help and help won’t really come.) So... Yeah. That was the whole dream. I liked most of it and the ending and I’m not entirely sure what such an epic dream meant other than “look, I’ve got friends”. Oh well.