Talking to other men about "rape culture"
Another one coming out of messageboard conversations on a local tragic online dating site. Trying to get the tone right for having that conversation with less socially progressive men in a constructive way.
Dude's complaining:
No, that SHIT, is what's "out of hand" The cry of 'rape culture'! 99% of household males do not rape, or support it, so how the f**k is there a 'rape culture'?
If it helps understanding, for comparison purposes: 99+% of Americans don't commit mass shootings or support them either, but they're definitely a culture in which mass shootings happen a lot more than they happen everywhere else. The attitudes and values that make it easier for those events to happen are the culture, even when most individuals don't have those guns in their hands themselves.
I know "rape culture" is a term that gets men feeling very defensive. I found it bloody hard to sit with that discomfort, and get past the crap first-year-gender-studies takes on it to work out what they really meant. And ultimately it's not directly about you, the good-natured, respectful non-rapey guy at all.
Reading about convicted rapists in prison and their attitudes (I seriously don't recommend it; it's grim as hell), you semi-regularly get quotes like "I only did what any guy would do, if they had the balls to" - stuff that implies that every other man thinks the same way they do, but are being held back from doing it by laws, religion, or just plain cowardice.
And as easy as it would be to write off as a complete delusion on their part, some of the ways in which we men talk about women - or the kinds of things we tolerate others saying around us - really do play a part in the way that rapists think, that make them think we might be on their side deep down.
So yeah. You're not a rapist, but someone you know might be if they had the chance, or lost control of themselves. And if you don't want that to happen, maybe think about how you can help him understand that it's really not what every guy is thinking?
Dude's complaining:
No, that SHIT, is what's "out of hand" The cry of 'rape culture'! 99% of household males do not rape, or support it, so how the f**k is there a 'rape culture'?
If it helps understanding, for comparison purposes: 99+% of Americans don't commit mass shootings or support them either, but they're definitely a culture in which mass shootings happen a lot more than they happen everywhere else. The attitudes and values that make it easier for those events to happen are the culture, even when most individuals don't have those guns in their hands themselves.
I know "rape culture" is a term that gets men feeling very defensive. I found it bloody hard to sit with that discomfort, and get past the crap first-year-gender-studies takes on it to work out what they really meant. And ultimately it's not directly about you, the good-natured, respectful non-rapey guy at all.
Reading about convicted rapists in prison and their attitudes (I seriously don't recommend it; it's grim as hell), you semi-regularly get quotes like "I only did what any guy would do, if they had the balls to" - stuff that implies that every other man thinks the same way they do, but are being held back from doing it by laws, religion, or just plain cowardice.
And as easy as it would be to write off as a complete delusion on their part, some of the ways in which we men talk about women - or the kinds of things we tolerate others saying around us - really do play a part in the way that rapists think, that make them think we might be on their side deep down.
So yeah. You're not a rapist, but someone you know might be if they had the chance, or lost control of themselves. And if you don't want that to happen, maybe think about how you can help him understand that it's really not what every guy is thinking?