Comments | morbid

morbid_soup

...

Oct 28, 2006 18:22

Well, as y'all may guess, I have a strange obsession with the insane ( Read more... )

Comments 16

misao7 October 28 2006, 23:22:53 UTC

Wow...I have to say, I like these both tremendously...

I like the first one better, though. The second one is a little wordy at times and uses a lot of cliches. The minimalist thing works really well in the first one. It feels very real. I can picture an insane person just babbling like that, but the second one is less babble and more suicide-note type of proseyness. Idk.

One thing - the person curses in the second one, and it kind of takes a little bit of spin off of it. I think it'd be more effective if he didn't curse (et al the first one). It also makes him sound less insane and more like a wife beater, which in itself is a cliche.

Something I really like in the first one - "I felt the wind where I saw your fingers." It's poetic enough to be amazing, not quite so much of a cliche, and the whole mixed senses thing works great with the idea of insanity.

And I really like the "Are you listening Rachel? Are you listening?"

I always really love your writing, and this one's really nice.

<3emily

... morbid_soup October 28 2006, 23:32:47 UTC

those were my thought too...
but the first one doesn't seem to flow at times...
Especially the first couple of sentences...
I like the first bit better on the second one...
but it wouldn't fit if i transplanted it...

I sortuv like the cursing, i think it gives the character more dimension...

morbid_soup October 29 2006, 00:41:34 UTC

the first bit of the second paragraph

aurelias_roses October 28 2006, 23:45:46 UTC

I also like the first one better. It's...sort of amazing. Personally, I think it flows just fine...

The cursing in the second one is sort of jarring; I don't really like it.

... morbid_soup October 29 2006, 00:02:21 UTC

What about the first couple of sentences?

Re: ... aurelias_roses October 29 2006, 00:14:45 UTC

I'm not sure, actually. I think it depends on how you want it to sound. The first passage, it sounds more...helpless, I think, upset. The second is...not. Er?

Re: ... morbid_soup October 29 2006, 00:41:12 UTC

sorry,
I meant the first couple of lines of the second paragraph

Thread 8

life_question October 29 2006, 00:55:56 UTC

darn you all! You said everything I was going to about it. I also like the first one better. The second one does seem too wordy... they're both really good, though. Once again you have stunned me with the way you have of putting things so perfectly. It's like some insane, obsessed stalker guy's monologue to his fearful, possibly kidnapped, stalkee...

I'm so jealous... no matterr how hard I try I will never be able to write as well as you. *pout*

life_question October 29 2006, 00:56:12 UTC

*matter

life_question October 29 2006, 00:56:43 UTC

also, I think your spelling has gotten better.

... morbid_soup October 29 2006, 01:25:30 UTC

Firefox 2.0 automatically underlines anything misspelled.
Its really distracting...

Re: ... life_question October 29 2006, 01:33:48 UTC

but it seems to be working, which is a plus.