thoughts
*shrugs*
I remember that phrase from radio disney. heh.
I don't feel too good. Today was some sort of mexican food/ taco night at the cafeteria. It gave me a massive stomach ache and I don't think the ice cream helped (I is lactose intolerant) so yeah. meh.
Well actually, just all around I'm not feeling too hot. My family isn't missing me very much it seems. My mom used to call every day, now she'll call every so often. Not that I WANT her to call every day, that'd just be weird >>
But yeah. I dunno. I spent an hour on the phone, and no one had anything to really say. That seemed... pathetic to me. The conversation was so stiff. Though, as exciting as new babies can be, that was all they wanted to tell me, they're having both by the way, even the one with down syndrome, then the conversation became increasingly stale. Nor was I very much listened to.
As in:
"Yeah, so I watched batman, ate dinner, then came back."
*after a pause mom says* "Did you eat dinner today sweetie?"
*sigh* "Yes mom, I did."
See what I mean? Just...try that x10. Because it kept happening.
It's really lonely in the dorm. My roommate and I get along, the problem is, she's not really here. I try not to be here, because I always feel this physical sense of despair at being alone in this room. They say a girl committed suicide on this floor. I've wondered if I'm picking up her feelings, as I don't believe in ghosts per se, but there are definately imprints that get left behind. Or so I think. Who knows?
Classes are okay. I like Social Psych and Religion very much. Anthropology rather bores me, the professor isn't sure of himself and can't really teach. I like painting, I'm just impatient to move on to something real other than hues and tones done in rectangles to blend into a circle. Yawn.
I'm not making friends here. The ones I have... well. I don't know. I feel detached from everyone. I feel like a stranger in the presence of others, unsure of how to act. When I act as myself, I seem to get laughed at, humiliated, or someone gets mad. I'm not too sure what to do anymore. I feel highstrung, as if one thing I say will set people off or send them pointing fingers and laughing. I feel so...disgusted by life. I cried when I spent my first night here, so unsure of what to do. I don't cry now, seriously crying is pathetic, but it's hard to sleep. Reading so much Batman/Joker porn can only take you so far. The one book I brought with me was Six Gothic Tales, and in case you don't know, "gothic tales" usually involve very unlikely romances, with a smart damsel/governess in distress and a handsome (wealthy) man to save her. Yeah. Like that'll ever happen. It's hurting me too much to read them. I've pulled through three since I've been here, and each one left me hollow, angry, confused and... sad. This... energy is effecting my writing. I have like, six fics I have to finish, but I can't seem to pull through. I feel so sorry for the requesters, but I refuse to send something out that isn't perfect in my eyes. I'm too anal.
Heh. Anal.
I feel like romance is dead. What's falling in love anmore? What keeps couples together? I don't understand relationships without physical contact, having alone time, just... being together, learning about each other without the presence of others. So can you call it a relationship if you have none of those? No, right? Fuck.
Fuckity fuck fuck.
I constantly have this feeling of being unwanted. I don't like talking to people anymore. They make me feel like I'm a huge burden on life, or used or...just something. As friendly as everyone's being, it seems so forced, fake, like everyone put on a little mask and is smiling through gritted teeth.
Not that there hasn't been animosity towards me.
There has. A lot.
And I've been aggressive too. Maybe wrongly so in some situations, but... I'm just hostile. Hostile to the world it seems. Or to one person.
And life doesn't seem to be getting any better.
Let's all rot in this sink hole.
I remember that phrase from radio disney. heh.
I don't feel too good. Today was some sort of mexican food/ taco night at the cafeteria. It gave me a massive stomach ache and I don't think the ice cream helped (I is lactose intolerant) so yeah. meh.
Well actually, just all around I'm not feeling too hot. My family isn't missing me very much it seems. My mom used to call every day, now she'll call every so often. Not that I WANT her to call every day, that'd just be weird >>
But yeah. I dunno. I spent an hour on the phone, and no one had anything to really say. That seemed... pathetic to me. The conversation was so stiff. Though, as exciting as new babies can be, that was all they wanted to tell me, they're having both by the way, even the one with down syndrome, then the conversation became increasingly stale. Nor was I very much listened to.
As in:
"Yeah, so I watched batman, ate dinner, then came back."
*after a pause mom says* "Did you eat dinner today sweetie?"
*sigh* "Yes mom, I did."
See what I mean? Just...try that x10. Because it kept happening.
It's really lonely in the dorm. My roommate and I get along, the problem is, she's not really here. I try not to be here, because I always feel this physical sense of despair at being alone in this room. They say a girl committed suicide on this floor. I've wondered if I'm picking up her feelings, as I don't believe in ghosts per se, but there are definately imprints that get left behind. Or so I think. Who knows?
Classes are okay. I like Social Psych and Religion very much. Anthropology rather bores me, the professor isn't sure of himself and can't really teach. I like painting, I'm just impatient to move on to something real other than hues and tones done in rectangles to blend into a circle. Yawn.
I'm not making friends here. The ones I have... well. I don't know. I feel detached from everyone. I feel like a stranger in the presence of others, unsure of how to act. When I act as myself, I seem to get laughed at, humiliated, or someone gets mad. I'm not too sure what to do anymore. I feel highstrung, as if one thing I say will set people off or send them pointing fingers and laughing. I feel so...disgusted by life. I cried when I spent my first night here, so unsure of what to do. I don't cry now, seriously crying is pathetic, but it's hard to sleep. Reading so much Batman/Joker porn can only take you so far. The one book I brought with me was Six Gothic Tales, and in case you don't know, "gothic tales" usually involve very unlikely romances, with a smart damsel/governess in distress and a handsome (wealthy) man to save her. Yeah. Like that'll ever happen. It's hurting me too much to read them. I've pulled through three since I've been here, and each one left me hollow, angry, confused and... sad. This... energy is effecting my writing. I have like, six fics I have to finish, but I can't seem to pull through. I feel so sorry for the requesters, but I refuse to send something out that isn't perfect in my eyes. I'm too anal.
Heh. Anal.
I feel like romance is dead. What's falling in love anmore? What keeps couples together? I don't understand relationships without physical contact, having alone time, just... being together, learning about each other without the presence of others. So can you call it a relationship if you have none of those? No, right? Fuck.
Fuckity fuck fuck.
I constantly have this feeling of being unwanted. I don't like talking to people anymore. They make me feel like I'm a huge burden on life, or used or...just something. As friendly as everyone's being, it seems so forced, fake, like everyone put on a little mask and is smiling through gritted teeth.
Not that there hasn't been animosity towards me.
There has. A lot.
And I've been aggressive too. Maybe wrongly so in some situations, but... I'm just hostile. Hostile to the world it seems. Or to one person.
And life doesn't seem to be getting any better.
Let's all rot in this sink hole.