SOMEBODY'S GOT TO SAY "ENOUGH"
Guys! Guys! Guys! I forgot some stuff in the first part of the Review, so let's go back in time a little to just before Perseus leaves Argos to... to do whatever it is he has to do. I'm sure I'll remember what that is shortly.
Along with his Argosian soldier pals, Perseus is also joined by two brothers of indeterminate foreignness, who are apparently experts in killing mythological things. I mean, certainly that's got to come in handy. My expertise is more in snuggling mythological things, but... you know.
Deep below Argos, in the Phantom of the Opera subterranean lair of Calibos, nee Acrisius, Hades drops in to say "Hey, what's up, sorry about the disfiguration thing, by the way that baby Perseus survived, go kill him for me and I'll give you some of my godly powers of darkness." And how you gonna say no to that, right? I mean, when you're hanging out in some dank cave full of candles and algae on the walls and crap, this is probably your best option, especially because it's really hard to find a router to get your Internet porns down there.
Not even 2 Girls 1 Cup, man. LAME.
Perseus & Co. set out across various landscapes of varying impressiveness. Ixas plays his flute, Draco snaps it in half, Ixas calmly pulls another one out of his Sack of Holding, Draco teaches Perseus to fight and love and lead and all those other important life lessons fishermen dads can't teach you on a boat and junk. Also Io is there, still being vaguely irritating and pointless and smug. ALL THE TIME WITH THE SMUGFACE.
Good hair, though.
In the woods, Perseus trips over a silver bone that turns into a sword. Draco advises him to use this gift, but Perseus is all NOT A GOD JUST A DUDE EHHHNNN
"Pray summon the waaahmbulance, milady, for my heart is wounded."
And then he runs away into a clearing full of Pegasi. Pegasuses. Pegasuu? Lots of pretty white horses with wings. And Momo is filled with an indescribable horsey joy. Then a big black Pegasus lands right in front of him and it's all SNORT PAW WHINNY U ARE IMPRESSED BY MY DARK MAJESTY NEIGHHH. The other Pegasuses clear out. Right then thebroodwich whispers, "Of course, as soon as the black horse moves in all the white horses leave because their property values just went down."
Perseus also refuses to ride Pegasus, because Sam Worthington is a useless shit he's still pissed at his biological father for trying to help him out on the DL. Then Calibos shows up and THEY DO BATTLE! At some point Calibos gets his hand chopped off.
"Nah, it's cool bro, I actually wank with my other hand."
He retreats into the desert, where his blood turns into giant, gnarly scorpions. Then THEY DO BATTLE! Perseus & Co. are nearly overwhelmed, but a band of djinn from a completely different pantheon, whatever show up and tame the scorpions. The Argosians don't want to trust their saviors on account of their being dark wizards who swap their flesh for driftwood and junk, but then their leader, whom loudnbothered quickly dubbed Woodbacca
BRRRRGGGGGGRRRRRWWWWW!
saves Perseus from deadly scorpion venom, and after that they are homeslices. Plus, now they can ride giant scorpions, which is COOL! The scorpions take them to the Garden of Stygia, where the Stygian Witches live. These three ladies are basically the Pale Man from Pan's Labyrinth only way less awesome, and they share one eye between them. The Witches explain that Medusa was once a beautiful maiden who refused a god's advances, ran to Athena's temple but was denied sanctuary there because Athena found her disgusting, and for her troubles got turned into a stank-ass beast that turned any man who looked upon her to stone. Seriously, those ancient Greeks were weirdos. I'm pretty sure they were just chowing on toxic foods and inhaling toxic gases all the time, because this is a majorly fucked up pantheon. Anyhoodle, Medusa is stank-ass.
"Even more stank-ass than us, and we have testicles for faces!"
Then Perseus & Co. head over to Medusa's lair, which is in the Underworld. The Brothers of Indeterminate Foreignness beg off, explaining that their weapons do not work in the Underworld.
"Oh, yeah, that's totally cool. You are still two solid bros, I mean it. I totally will not call you pussies as soon as you're out of earshot. Heh heh... Pussies."
Now, way back in 1981, Ray Harryhausen fashioned a completely creepy and, indeed, stank-ass Medusa whose visage truly was terrifying to behold. This time around, the filmmakers decided they were going to give Medusa the face of Russian supermodel Natalia Vodianova. The result is a Gorgon who is, as shibamura_prime puts it, OMG SMOKIN' HOT.
That's right, baby, you're turned on by snakes now.
One by one, Medusa takes out the Argosians with her amazing snake-boob-supermodel powers.
Oh, Ixas, no! Your braids were the prettiest of all!
Perseus emerges alone, which does not seem to concern Io very much at all. Then Calibos shows up again and straight up stabs Io right in the spine. NOT SO SMUG NOW, ARE YOU, SMUGFACE?!? Perseus goes Super Saiyan with demi-godly rage and uses the Baton of Justice he tripped over earlier to strike Calibos down. Before he dies, he turns back into Acrisius and entreats Perseus not to become like the gods, because they are all douche bags. Io has time to murmur a few words of encouragement before she evaporates Obi-Wan style and Perseus is alone with like five minutes to get back to Argos and stop the Kraken from destroying the city.
Luckily, Pegasus shows up and swoops him back. Probably I should mention at this point that Hades had told the Argosian people that the Kraken would only spare them if they sacrificed Princess Andromeda, which they are trying to do when Perseus and Pegasus arrive.
"Hellooooo I have been up here for like an hour and I'm pretty sure my arms are no longer in their sockets and your horse is very nice and I would like to ride it later could you please get me down now?"
Meanwhile, the Kraken is destroying Argos. One would argue that the people were promised their city would come to no harm if the princess was sacrificed, and Krakie could have bothered to check on that before he started flailing his tentacles around, but what can I say? This film's recurring theme has obviously been that gods are all giant cocks. But here comes Perseus, swooping in on his noble steed, dodging more little bat devil thingies and getting Medusa's head stolen and whatnot, and then it's time to face the Kraken, and THEY DO BATTLE!
"CHECK IT OUT I'MMA SWOOPIN' ALL UP IN UR GRILL."
"SCREW U, BUDDY, I WILL GO CLOVERFIELD ALL OVER UR ASS, I MEAN IT."
Then Perseus whips out poor Medusa's head and points it at the Kraken and the Kraken is all NOOOOOOOOOO and he turns into stone and crushes half the city, including the king, anyway. No one's really sure what happened to the boastful queen Cassiopeia, but I assume that when Hades made her old way back in the first half of the movie (which I neglected to mention, sorry, distracted by impending ham) she just died or something.
So Andromeda gets saved and, impressed with Perseus' studliness,
"Hey, baby, these leather pants are chafing me something awful. Maybe you'd better let me slip into something more comfortable. Heh heh. Get it? I'M TALKING ABOUT YOUR VAGINA."
asks him to be the new king of Argos. Perseus politely declines in an epic refutation of mythological canon and goes off to the cliff where his adventure began to ponder Destiny and crap like that. Zeus shows up in Enchanter Tim robes and offers Perseus another chance to live with him and his godly brethren on Olympus. Perseus says O HALES NO. Zeus shuffles off winsomely, then OH WHAT IO REAPPEARS AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME.
"Smugface is BACK, baby! DRINK IT UP."
See, I told you Sam Worthington was a useless piece of shit. THAT'S RIGHT, WORTHINGTON, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
Don't be sad, Momo, I still love you.
Oh, Bubo. I love you, too. Please don't ever change.
And there you have it. Clash of the Titans 2010. Go see it five times in a row right now.
Along with his Argosian soldier pals, Perseus is also joined by two brothers of indeterminate foreignness, who are apparently experts in killing mythological things. I mean, certainly that's got to come in handy. My expertise is more in snuggling mythological things, but... you know.
Deep below Argos, in the Phantom of the Opera subterranean lair of Calibos, nee Acrisius, Hades drops in to say "Hey, what's up, sorry about the disfiguration thing, by the way that baby Perseus survived, go kill him for me and I'll give you some of my godly powers of darkness." And how you gonna say no to that, right? I mean, when you're hanging out in some dank cave full of candles and algae on the walls and crap, this is probably your best option, especially because it's really hard to find a router to get your Internet porns down there.
Not even 2 Girls 1 Cup, man. LAME.
Perseus & Co. set out across various landscapes of varying impressiveness. Ixas plays his flute, Draco snaps it in half, Ixas calmly pulls another one out of his Sack of Holding, Draco teaches Perseus to fight and love and lead and all those other important life lessons fishermen dads can't teach you on a boat and junk. Also Io is there, still being vaguely irritating and pointless and smug. ALL THE TIME WITH THE SMUGFACE.
Good hair, though.
In the woods, Perseus trips over a silver bone that turns into a sword. Draco advises him to use this gift, but Perseus is all NOT A GOD JUST A DUDE EHHHNNN
"Pray summon the waaahmbulance, milady, for my heart is wounded."
And then he runs away into a clearing full of Pegasi. Pegasuses. Pegasuu? Lots of pretty white horses with wings. And Momo is filled with an indescribable horsey joy. Then a big black Pegasus lands right in front of him and it's all SNORT PAW WHINNY U ARE IMPRESSED BY MY DARK MAJESTY NEIGHHH. The other Pegasuses clear out. Right then thebroodwich whispers, "Of course, as soon as the black horse moves in all the white horses leave because their property values just went down."
Perseus also refuses to ride Pegasus, because Sam Worthington is a useless shit he's still pissed at his biological father for trying to help him out on the DL. Then Calibos shows up and THEY DO BATTLE! At some point Calibos gets his hand chopped off.
"Nah, it's cool bro, I actually wank with my other hand."
He retreats into the desert, where his blood turns into giant, gnarly scorpions. Then THEY DO BATTLE! Perseus & Co. are nearly overwhelmed, but a band of djinn from a completely different pantheon, whatever show up and tame the scorpions. The Argosians don't want to trust their saviors on account of their being dark wizards who swap their flesh for driftwood and junk, but then their leader, whom loudnbothered quickly dubbed Woodbacca
BRRRRGGGGGGRRRRRWWWWW!
saves Perseus from deadly scorpion venom, and after that they are homeslices. Plus, now they can ride giant scorpions, which is COOL! The scorpions take them to the Garden of Stygia, where the Stygian Witches live. These three ladies are basically the Pale Man from Pan's Labyrinth only way less awesome, and they share one eye between them. The Witches explain that Medusa was once a beautiful maiden who refused a god's advances, ran to Athena's temple but was denied sanctuary there because Athena found her disgusting, and for her troubles got turned into a stank-ass beast that turned any man who looked upon her to stone. Seriously, those ancient Greeks were weirdos. I'm pretty sure they were just chowing on toxic foods and inhaling toxic gases all the time, because this is a majorly fucked up pantheon. Anyhoodle, Medusa is stank-ass.
"Even more stank-ass than us, and we have testicles for faces!"
Then Perseus & Co. head over to Medusa's lair, which is in the Underworld. The Brothers of Indeterminate Foreignness beg off, explaining that their weapons do not work in the Underworld.
"Oh, yeah, that's totally cool. You are still two solid bros, I mean it. I totally will not call you pussies as soon as you're out of earshot. Heh heh... Pussies."
Now, way back in 1981, Ray Harryhausen fashioned a completely creepy and, indeed, stank-ass Medusa whose visage truly was terrifying to behold. This time around, the filmmakers decided they were going to give Medusa the face of Russian supermodel Natalia Vodianova. The result is a Gorgon who is, as shibamura_prime puts it, OMG SMOKIN' HOT.
That's right, baby, you're turned on by snakes now.
One by one, Medusa takes out the Argosians with her amazing snake-boob-supermodel powers.
Oh, Ixas, no! Your braids were the prettiest of all!
Perseus emerges alone, which does not seem to concern Io very much at all. Then Calibos shows up again and straight up stabs Io right in the spine. NOT SO SMUG NOW, ARE YOU, SMUGFACE?!? Perseus goes Super Saiyan with demi-godly rage and uses the Baton of Justice he tripped over earlier to strike Calibos down. Before he dies, he turns back into Acrisius and entreats Perseus not to become like the gods, because they are all douche bags. Io has time to murmur a few words of encouragement before she evaporates Obi-Wan style and Perseus is alone with like five minutes to get back to Argos and stop the Kraken from destroying the city.
Luckily, Pegasus shows up and swoops him back. Probably I should mention at this point that Hades had told the Argosian people that the Kraken would only spare them if they sacrificed Princess Andromeda, which they are trying to do when Perseus and Pegasus arrive.
"Hellooooo I have been up here for like an hour and I'm pretty sure my arms are no longer in their sockets and your horse is very nice and I would like to ride it later could you please get me down now?"
Meanwhile, the Kraken is destroying Argos. One would argue that the people were promised their city would come to no harm if the princess was sacrificed, and Krakie could have bothered to check on that before he started flailing his tentacles around, but what can I say? This film's recurring theme has obviously been that gods are all giant cocks. But here comes Perseus, swooping in on his noble steed, dodging more little bat devil thingies and getting Medusa's head stolen and whatnot, and then it's time to face the Kraken, and THEY DO BATTLE!
"CHECK IT OUT I'MMA SWOOPIN' ALL UP IN UR GRILL."
"SCREW U, BUDDY, I WILL GO CLOVERFIELD ALL OVER UR ASS, I MEAN IT."
Then Perseus whips out poor Medusa's head and points it at the Kraken and the Kraken is all NOOOOOOOOOO and he turns into stone and crushes half the city, including the king, anyway. No one's really sure what happened to the boastful queen Cassiopeia, but I assume that when Hades made her old way back in the first half of the movie (which I neglected to mention, sorry, distracted by impending ham) she just died or something.
So Andromeda gets saved and, impressed with Perseus' studliness,
"Hey, baby, these leather pants are chafing me something awful. Maybe you'd better let me slip into something more comfortable. Heh heh. Get it? I'M TALKING ABOUT YOUR VAGINA."
asks him to be the new king of Argos. Perseus politely declines in an epic refutation of mythological canon and goes off to the cliff where his adventure began to ponder Destiny and crap like that. Zeus shows up in Enchanter Tim robes and offers Perseus another chance to live with him and his godly brethren on Olympus. Perseus says O HALES NO. Zeus shuffles off winsomely, then OH WHAT IO REAPPEARS AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME.
"Smugface is BACK, baby! DRINK IT UP."
See, I told you Sam Worthington was a useless piece of shit. THAT'S RIGHT, WORTHINGTON, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
Don't be sad, Momo, I still love you.
Oh, Bubo. I love you, too. Please don't ever change.
And there you have it. Clash of the Titans 2010. Go see it five times in a row right now.