This Is Why I'm Fat
I did it. I ate the KFC Double Down. And, now, I am going to review it.
What is a KFC Double Down, exactly?
Well, it's a sandwich. But not JUST a mere sandwich, oh no. It takes the sandwich concept, unchanged for lo these past 300 years, and turns it on its noble, bread-bedecked head.
FUCK BREAD.
What goes in to the Double Down?
1. Two juicy, mouthwatering, perfectly seasoned, hand-battered Original Recipe boneless chicken cutlets.
2. Two slices of melted, gooey, mellow but flavorful Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheeses, providing a subtle bite.
3. Two crisp pieces of real pork bacon.
4. Creamy, tangy Colonel's sauce.
5. LOVE.
6. A single strand of singed hair, possibly not human.
It also comes in a grilled chicken version, but I'm not going to acknowledge that. FORGET IT EVER EXISTED.
History of the Double Down
Rumors of the Double Down began swirling in August of 2009. At that time, grainy cell phone pictures and stories of test marketing in Nebraska and Rhode Island surfaced amidst criticisms from KFC focus groups that their chicken sandwiches contained "not enough chicken." On April 1st, 2010, KFC (nee Kentucky Fried Chicken) formally announced that, yes, the Double Down was real, and it was hitting stores nationwide on April 12th. The sandwich is, of course, a tremendous FUCK YOU to those focus groups, as well as the universal effort to cut down on consumption of fatty, fried, unhealthy foods in a nation with an absolutely staggering rate of obesity.
Neiman Marcus Spring/Summer catalog, 2010
Double Down Nutritional Information
Seriously? You did just read what it's made out of, right? And you still want to know the "nutritional" facts?
Fine, asshole. Here you fucking go. Way to ruin it for everybody.
Sandwich Calories Fat (g) Sodium (mg) KFC Original Recipe® Double Down 540 32 1380 KFC Grilled Double Down 460 23 1430
1380 milligrams of sodium? That's nearly a teaspoon of salt in one sandwich-- and even more if you get that other sandwich which we will not speak of. Also, 540 calories?
Now that we've got the basics out of the way, let's get on to the meat of our piece. Get it? Meat? BECAUSE THERE'S NO BREAD IN IT?!? HAAAAAA!
It... it sure is two pieces of fried chicken with a bunch of other things I shouldn't be putting in my mouth between them. But, considering that, it's pretty tasty. I had to spit out a bit because I thought it was gristle, but it turns out the bacon is just extremely, shatteringly crispy. AS IT SHOULD BE. Given the amount of sodium in it, it's also no surprise that the sandwich is phenomenally salty. Bring a water bottle. Bring one of those giant water bottles and fill it until it is bursting with pure, mountain spring water, because you will need all of it, and your tongue will thank you when it does not mummify halfway through. I have gone back for my third glass of water after destroying two cans of Sprite in less than ten minutes.
Also, it is two pieces of fried chicken with cheese, bacon, and sauce. Expect that you will feel like you want to die after it is over. Probably before it is over. Within a few bites, is what I'm saying.
Give it an hour or so. Do some light stretching. Take a walk. Your arteries will need this activity to remind them that they still exist in a living human body.
Then head out to Burger King for a Hershey's Sundae Pie. You've earned it!
America, FUCK YEAH!
What is a KFC Double Down, exactly?
Well, it's a sandwich. But not JUST a mere sandwich, oh no. It takes the sandwich concept, unchanged for lo these past 300 years, and turns it on its noble, bread-bedecked head.
FUCK BREAD.
What goes in to the Double Down?
1. Two juicy, mouthwatering, perfectly seasoned, hand-battered Original Recipe boneless chicken cutlets.
2. Two slices of melted, gooey, mellow but flavorful Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheeses, providing a subtle bite.
3. Two crisp pieces of real pork bacon.
4. Creamy, tangy Colonel's sauce.
5. LOVE.
6. A single strand of singed hair, possibly not human.
It also comes in a grilled chicken version, but I'm not going to acknowledge that. FORGET IT EVER EXISTED.
History of the Double Down
Rumors of the Double Down began swirling in August of 2009. At that time, grainy cell phone pictures and stories of test marketing in Nebraska and Rhode Island surfaced amidst criticisms from KFC focus groups that their chicken sandwiches contained "not enough chicken." On April 1st, 2010, KFC (nee Kentucky Fried Chicken) formally announced that, yes, the Double Down was real, and it was hitting stores nationwide on April 12th. The sandwich is, of course, a tremendous FUCK YOU to those focus groups, as well as the universal effort to cut down on consumption of fatty, fried, unhealthy foods in a nation with an absolutely staggering rate of obesity.
Neiman Marcus Spring/Summer catalog, 2010
Double Down Nutritional Information
Seriously? You did just read what it's made out of, right? And you still want to know the "nutritional" facts?
Fine, asshole. Here you fucking go. Way to ruin it for everybody.
Sandwich Calories Fat (g) Sodium (mg) KFC Original Recipe® Double Down 540 32 1380 KFC Grilled Double Down 460 23 1430
1380 milligrams of sodium? That's nearly a teaspoon of salt in one sandwich-- and even more if you get that other sandwich which we will not speak of. Also, 540 calories?
Now that we've got the basics out of the way, let's get on to the meat of our piece. Get it? Meat? BECAUSE THERE'S NO BREAD IN IT?!? HAAAAAA!
Click to viewIt... it sure is two pieces of fried chicken with a bunch of other things I shouldn't be putting in my mouth between them. But, considering that, it's pretty tasty. I had to spit out a bit because I thought it was gristle, but it turns out the bacon is just extremely, shatteringly crispy. AS IT SHOULD BE. Given the amount of sodium in it, it's also no surprise that the sandwich is phenomenally salty. Bring a water bottle. Bring one of those giant water bottles and fill it until it is bursting with pure, mountain spring water, because you will need all of it, and your tongue will thank you when it does not mummify halfway through. I have gone back for my third glass of water after destroying two cans of Sprite in less than ten minutes.
Also, it is two pieces of fried chicken with cheese, bacon, and sauce. Expect that you will feel like you want to die after it is over. Probably before it is over. Within a few bites, is what I'm saying.
Give it an hour or so. Do some light stretching. Take a walk. Your arteries will need this activity to remind them that they still exist in a living human body.
Then head out to Burger King for a Hershey's Sundae Pie. You've earned it!
America, FUCK YEAH!