I Heard You Like Cliches So I Got You Some Cliches to Put In Your Cliche
Yes, it's the long-awaited triumphant return of Momo Reviews!
Starring...
MOMO
JOE DRAGON AGE
and Featuring...
Bits of Penelope
Jeremy Irons
with a Special Appearance by...
Henry Cavill
Little Red Riding Hood is a folk tale with deep roots in European culture; its first verified appearances in oral history date from 17th century France and Italy. Many of the earliest versions were terrifying morality tales, featuring lots of blood, gore, cannibalism, werewolves, corruption of minors, and probably jaywalking too. Red Riding Hood, the film, adapts several tropes from various tellings of the story and mashes them up with Twilight, then throws the whole thing into a big, LARP-y stew. That's just so you can see where this is heading, in case you want to sit this one out and visit your dear old granny instead.
Amanda Seyfried plays Valerie, a beautiful but slightly bland young woman torn between two young men of equal debatable hotness and irrefutable dudeness. They all live in a tiny village called Daggerhorn (this is a very nuanced script we're working with), set deep in a primeval forest that looks suspiciously like the scenery from Dragon Age, but is sorely lacking in Alistair.
SORELY LACKING.
Valerie has had a thing for Peter, a bad-boy woodcutter (you can tell he's a bad boy because he's always dressed in black and has an expression that's probably supposed to be a dangerous sneer but kind of looks like something nearby smells rancid). When they were kids, Peter and Valerie trapped and slaughtered an adorable white bunny for no apparent reason, so you can kind of tell how I feel about them.
Pretty much like this.
Because I don't know who the guy playing Peter is, he's going to be represented by Henry Cavill.
"Happy to oblige, baby."
The other guy is a blacksmith named, uh, Henry. He comes from a wealthy family, so Valerie's parents have decided she's going to marry him. He's in love with Valerie, but she barely knows him and would rather be with Peter. So sad. Henry is played by the son of Jeremy Irons, but let's just pretend he's actually being played by Jeremy Irons, because that would have made it... well, maybe not a better movie, but at least one that had Jeremy Irons in it.
"It's so true."
Daggerhorn has a terrible secret that everyone knows about, which is the little matter of the werewolf that's been haunting the village for decades. The villagers deal with it by taking some livestock that used to be some adorable little girl's pet, chaining it up on the night of a full moon and making the adorable little girl bid a tearful goodbye to it, then sacrificing it to the wolf so it won't kill any actual people. They let people know when a full moon is coming up by posting cutouts of moons with faces in the village square.
Way harder than I thought to find a picture of the moon with the troll face shopped on.
Also, they grow trees with spikes on them.
You can find them in the Burpee catalog under the "BIG FUCKIN' SPIKE TREES: Great for Repelling Werewolves!" section.
But then, one day, Valerie's plump, less-attractive sister is killed by the werewolf. She happened to be in love with Jeremy Irons the blacksmith, except no one really cared about that. Valerie's parents, the still-hot Virginia Madsen and the guy who played Bella's dad in the Twilight movies (no, really) revising his role as the most ineffectual father ever, interrupt mourning their eldest daughter's brutal slaughter to comfort Valerie when she whines about how unfair it is that she's getting sold off to some guy she doesn't even care about. Lucy was older and she actually liked the guy, why couldn't they have sold her off instead? Virginia Madsen explains that she didn't love Valerie's dad when they got married, either, on account of she was in love with someone else, but then she decided that actually she did love Charlie her husband.
And then it turned out that actually it was Jeremy Irons's dad that she loved, and Lucy was his daughter, so she was Jeremy Irons's half-sister, and if they'd gotten married it would've been really icky. By the way, Dad doesn't know, so don't go bringing that up at the funeral. SCANDALOUS.
"I'm Virginia Madsen, and I'd like you to note all the fucks I don't give."
Valerie's oddball grandma (Julie Christie, who probably also deserves better) gives her a snazzy red cloak she'd been saving for a wedding present. Jeremy Irons gives Valerie a bracelet he made that was also supposed to be a wedding gift. At this rate, the most Valerie's going to have to look forward to at her actual wedding is some decent fruitcake and a hell of a hangover the next morning. A bunch of the village menfolk get all riled up and drunk and decide they're going to take care of this dang wolf once and for all. They go up to some dark cave in the mountains, where Jeremy Irons's dad is attacked and killed by a terrible wolf, so the guys chop its head off and return to Daggerhorn to celebrate their victory with more drinking.
The village priest (played by Lukas Haas, whom I can't help feeling deserves better) isn't satisfied with all this violence, and summons a famous werewolf/witch hunter that turns out to be Gary Oldman in purple velvet, chewing the scenery as hard as he fucking can.
"This may be the most delicious scenery I've ever chewed. Is it domestic or imported?"
Gary Oldman's young daughters show up to sob a little and ask if Daddy is going to kill the same wolf that killed their mother. Then they drive off in their carriage, and Gary Oldman takes the opportunity to say "ACTUALLY, villagers, that werewolf murdered my best friend so I chopped off its paw. Then I went home to my wife, Penelope."
"'Scuse me?"
And then he realized Penelope's hand was missing, and SHE HAD BEEN THE WOLF ALL ALONG. So he killed her, lied to his kids about it, and now he travels around with Penelope's hand in a box.
"YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS, OLDMAAAAN!"
He also has a posse of ethnic minority warriors, pointy silver fingernails, and a giant metal elephant he uses to torture suspects. I'm not even lying. Gary Oldman warns everyone that over the next three nights there'll be a blood moon (it is really freaking bright red), and during that time anyone the werewolf bites will become a werewolf his- or herself. OOOOOOOOH.
That night, the thoughtful and reasonable citizens of Daggerhorn hold a medieval-style rave/orgy of debauchery, complete with wailing techno music and sexy dancing. You know. Like you do. First Peter wants Valerie to run away with him, but now that she's engaged he starts telling her they're wrong for each other and he never was really that into her in the first place, etc. Valerie tries to make him jealous by dancing all sexy medieval style with her girlfriend.
You know. Like you do.
It totally works.
"Daddy like."
So then they start gettin' all nastay in some hay or something, and Jeremy Irons sees them and gets all sad-face.
"Completely torn up over this, honestly."
FUN FACTS-- these are the places Valerie and Peter get vaguely nastay within the parameters of a PG-13 ratings system:
1. The woods
2. Hay
3. Against a wall covered in spikes
Having gotten legitimately nastay in the woods, I can assure you that it's not as hot as the film might lead you to believe. There are generally a lot of sticks poking in uncomfortable places, and dry leaves are pretty itchy, and wet leaves are even worse, and also there are bugs. Hay is similarly poky/itchy/suspiciously damp/lice-ridden. Walls of spikes, I admit I have not tried, so feel free to fill us in if you have any experience with wall-of-spikes-dry-humping.
"I might be enjoying this more convincingly if someone had bothered to sand and polish these spikes beforehand."
I'm going to assume they also dry-humped on top of that bunny whose throat they cut, because they seem like the sort of people who would do that. ALL MY HATE, AMANDA SEYFRIED, ALL MY HATE.
The festivities are suddenly, shockingly, interrupted by the appearance of the werewolf. He's big and black and pretty ridiculous, but he does manage to take out a bunch of less-important villagers and avoid getting hit by a single weapon thrown by expert warriors. The werewolf corners Valerie and one of her three less-pretty friends, and starts talking to Valerie, only her friend can't understand it. He wants Valerie to run away with him or else he'll destroy the whole village. He has dark brown human eyes. Then he runs off and Valerie makes her less-pretty friend swear she won't tell anyone the wolf talked to her.
Well, as it turns out, Less-Pretty Friend #2 has a simpleton brother that Gary Oldman suspects knows the identity of the wolf. He throws the poor kid in the brass elephant and lights a fire underneath it until the boy will confess what he knows, which turns out to be zilch. Less-Pretty Friend #2 begs Gary Oldman for her brother's release, but he isn't buying until the girl offers to trade him the identity of a witch in return for little bro's freedom. She rats out Valerie in front of the whole town, and it turns out her brother had already died, anyway.
"Don't even try to deny my glorious bitchdom, honey. Also let me hold your cloak a minute. It'd look better on me, anyway."
That night, Valerie is brought out in some weird metal mask and chained in the middle of town as a sacrifice to the werewolf, since now everyone knows she's the one it wants, anyway. Jeremy Irons and Peter are both pretty bummed about this, so they team up to use their respective powers of blacksmithing and being a badass to set Valerie free. They also bring in Valerie's drunkard dad, because why not.
While she's sitting there waiting for the werewolf to show up, Valerie wonders which of the villagers could be the true monster, and realizes that EVERY OTHER FUCKING PERSON IN THE VILLAGE HAS DARK BROWN EYES. So that, you know, narrows it down a bit. The clever plot concocted by Jeremy Irons, Peter, and Charlie Valerie's dad comes together just in time, but Peter is caught by Gary Oldman and his guards and stuck in the elephant. The kindly village priest is sick of all this violence shit and tries to stop Gary Oldman's reign of terror, but Gary Oldman stabs him in the back. Jeremy Irons gets shot with a crossbow bolt while they're running, but overall seems okay, and tries to get Valerie to the holy ground of the church, where the werewolf won't be able to reach them.
Gary Oldman attempts to stop Valerie from crossing the church yard's threshold, but the werewolf shows up and bites off his forearm. Since it's still a blood moon and this means Gary Oldman is a werewolf now, one of his guards who is also fed up with Gary Oldman's shit stabs him to death. The werewolf nearly grabs Valerie, but when his paw touches the holy ground it gets all burned and junk, then all of Valerie's friends pull a "IF YOU WANT HER YOU'LL HAVE TO GO THROUGH US" kind of thingie, and the sun is about to come up, so the werewolf runs off again. Valerie goes home to bed, then has a nightmare about her grandmother. Thinking she finally knows the truth, she heads off to Grandma's house to set things straight.
On the way she runs in to Peter, who's managed to escape from the elephant and tries one more time to convince Valerie to run off with him. Wait, wasn't the werewolf ALSO trying to get Valerie to run off with him? And doesn't Peter ALSO have dark brown eyes? Valerie does the sensible thing and stabs him in the stomach, then kind of stands around dithering until he vanishes.
"Dithering comprises 75% of my role."
When she gets to Grandma's remote cabin, a shrouded figure with a hoarse voice is sitting behind the bed curtains, imploring Valerie to eat some delicious soup. Valerie takes a bite and then reconsiders. "What's in this soup?" She wants to know, presumably in case it's got too many preservatives or non-organic produce. Out jumps... CHARLIE HER FATHER. Yeah, turns out he was the wolf all along. Grandma, his mom, managed to be married to a werewolf for who knows how many years, nursed another one at her teat, and didn't figure it out until just then, so her son had to murder her and then feed her to his daughter, which is the only reasonable conclusion. "That's why you could understand me," Charlie tells her, "and when I realized your sister couldn't because she wasn't really my daughter, I just straight up killed her. I honestly feel bad about it, though. Now come be an invincible werewolf with me forever." Valerie insists she won't go with him, that she'll never be like him and do the terrible things he does. Before Charlie can chomp her, though, Peter busts in and there's a fight. Things look grim, but then Peter throws his axe into Charlie's back, and Valerie whips her secret weapon out of her little picnic basket-- GARY OLDMAN'S HAND WITH THE SILVER FINGERNAILS-- and stabs Charlie in the stomach with it.
.............................
Yes, you had to read that. I had to write it. There was no other bit of sharp silver in the ENTIRE VILLAGE, and it JUST SO HAPPENED no one bothered to pick a random arm up off the ground and dispose of it sensibly, so Valerie stuck it in her basket and used it to kill her dad.
"You've got to hand it to me, I put my finger on a handy solution and went mano a mano in a gripping battle with that knucklehead."
But then-- SHOCK AND AWE-- it turns out in all the confusion Charlie managed to land a bite on Peter's arm. It's still a blood moon, so now he's a werewolf, too! O AGONY.
"Man, FUCK werewolves. I'm goin' back to the Renaissance."
Valerie and Peter cut Charlie open, throw some rocks in and sew him back up, then dump him in the lake so he won't float. They've gotten a lot of practice doing this sort of thing, on account of all the fluffy white bunnies they used to murder.
"When will the genocide end?"
Peter has decided to be a sensitive werewolf, but before he runs off into the woods Valerie swears to wait for him. What she's waiting for, exactly, I'm not certain, but maybe he needs time to get the hang of only killing tertiary characters. She goes to live in the cabin of the dead grandmother she ate bits of, Jeremy Irons becomes a noble monster-hunter, and occasionally when Valerie's out picking flowers in the middle of the night (like you do), Peter the werewolf stops by to wave hello before he goes on another tertiary character killing spree.
THE END.
Reasons you should see this movie:
-You can't stop staring at Amanda Seyfried.
-Your favorite kind of werewolves are the ones that look like angry, oversized Newfoundlands rendered in bad CGI.
-No hope for the vampire-baby birth scene in the fourth Twilight movie, so watching an actor from the series get killed with dismembered fingernails is the next best thing.
-You have not yet developed an ability to discern decent cinema from tripe crammed down your throat with a dirty shovel, or you're me.
-You literally have nothing else to do except watch paint dry.
Reasons you shouldn't see this movie:
-Everything else in the entire world.
Penelope's final word:
"Retribution is mahn, bitches! FEATS OF STRAAAANNNNGTH!"
Starring...
MOMO
JOE DRAGON AGE
and Featuring...
Bits of Penelope
Jeremy Irons
with a Special Appearance by...
Henry Cavill
Little Red Riding Hood is a folk tale with deep roots in European culture; its first verified appearances in oral history date from 17th century France and Italy. Many of the earliest versions were terrifying morality tales, featuring lots of blood, gore, cannibalism, werewolves, corruption of minors, and probably jaywalking too. Red Riding Hood, the film, adapts several tropes from various tellings of the story and mashes them up with Twilight, then throws the whole thing into a big, LARP-y stew. That's just so you can see where this is heading, in case you want to sit this one out and visit your dear old granny instead.
Amanda Seyfried plays Valerie, a beautiful but slightly bland young woman torn between two young men of equal debatable hotness and irrefutable dudeness. They all live in a tiny village called Daggerhorn (this is a very nuanced script we're working with), set deep in a primeval forest that looks suspiciously like the scenery from Dragon Age, but is sorely lacking in Alistair.
SORELY LACKING.
Valerie has had a thing for Peter, a bad-boy woodcutter (you can tell he's a bad boy because he's always dressed in black and has an expression that's probably supposed to be a dangerous sneer but kind of looks like something nearby smells rancid). When they were kids, Peter and Valerie trapped and slaughtered an adorable white bunny for no apparent reason, so you can kind of tell how I feel about them.
Pretty much like this.
Because I don't know who the guy playing Peter is, he's going to be represented by Henry Cavill.
"Happy to oblige, baby."
The other guy is a blacksmith named, uh, Henry. He comes from a wealthy family, so Valerie's parents have decided she's going to marry him. He's in love with Valerie, but she barely knows him and would rather be with Peter. So sad. Henry is played by the son of Jeremy Irons, but let's just pretend he's actually being played by Jeremy Irons, because that would have made it... well, maybe not a better movie, but at least one that had Jeremy Irons in it.
"It's so true."
Daggerhorn has a terrible secret that everyone knows about, which is the little matter of the werewolf that's been haunting the village for decades. The villagers deal with it by taking some livestock that used to be some adorable little girl's pet, chaining it up on the night of a full moon and making the adorable little girl bid a tearful goodbye to it, then sacrificing it to the wolf so it won't kill any actual people. They let people know when a full moon is coming up by posting cutouts of moons with faces in the village square.
Way harder than I thought to find a picture of the moon with the troll face shopped on.
Also, they grow trees with spikes on them.
You can find them in the Burpee catalog under the "BIG FUCKIN' SPIKE TREES: Great for Repelling Werewolves!" section.
But then, one day, Valerie's plump, less-attractive sister is killed by the werewolf. She happened to be in love with Jeremy Irons the blacksmith, except no one really cared about that. Valerie's parents, the still-hot Virginia Madsen and the guy who played Bella's dad in the Twilight movies (no, really) revising his role as the most ineffectual father ever, interrupt mourning their eldest daughter's brutal slaughter to comfort Valerie when she whines about how unfair it is that she's getting sold off to some guy she doesn't even care about. Lucy was older and she actually liked the guy, why couldn't they have sold her off instead? Virginia Madsen explains that she didn't love Valerie's dad when they got married, either, on account of she was in love with someone else, but then she decided that actually she did love Charlie her husband.
And then it turned out that actually it was Jeremy Irons's dad that she loved, and Lucy was his daughter, so she was Jeremy Irons's half-sister, and if they'd gotten married it would've been really icky. By the way, Dad doesn't know, so don't go bringing that up at the funeral. SCANDALOUS.
"I'm Virginia Madsen, and I'd like you to note all the fucks I don't give."
Valerie's oddball grandma (Julie Christie, who probably also deserves better) gives her a snazzy red cloak she'd been saving for a wedding present. Jeremy Irons gives Valerie a bracelet he made that was also supposed to be a wedding gift. At this rate, the most Valerie's going to have to look forward to at her actual wedding is some decent fruitcake and a hell of a hangover the next morning. A bunch of the village menfolk get all riled up and drunk and decide they're going to take care of this dang wolf once and for all. They go up to some dark cave in the mountains, where Jeremy Irons's dad is attacked and killed by a terrible wolf, so the guys chop its head off and return to Daggerhorn to celebrate their victory with more drinking.
The village priest (played by Lukas Haas, whom I can't help feeling deserves better) isn't satisfied with all this violence, and summons a famous werewolf/witch hunter that turns out to be Gary Oldman in purple velvet, chewing the scenery as hard as he fucking can.
"This may be the most delicious scenery I've ever chewed. Is it domestic or imported?"
Gary Oldman's young daughters show up to sob a little and ask if Daddy is going to kill the same wolf that killed their mother. Then they drive off in their carriage, and Gary Oldman takes the opportunity to say "ACTUALLY, villagers, that werewolf murdered my best friend so I chopped off its paw. Then I went home to my wife, Penelope."
"'Scuse me?"
And then he realized Penelope's hand was missing, and SHE HAD BEEN THE WOLF ALL ALONG. So he killed her, lied to his kids about it, and now he travels around with Penelope's hand in a box.
"YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS, OLDMAAAAN!"
He also has a posse of ethnic minority warriors, pointy silver fingernails, and a giant metal elephant he uses to torture suspects. I'm not even lying. Gary Oldman warns everyone that over the next three nights there'll be a blood moon (it is really freaking bright red), and during that time anyone the werewolf bites will become a werewolf his- or herself. OOOOOOOOH.
That night, the thoughtful and reasonable citizens of Daggerhorn hold a medieval-style rave/orgy of debauchery, complete with wailing techno music and sexy dancing. You know. Like you do. First Peter wants Valerie to run away with him, but now that she's engaged he starts telling her they're wrong for each other and he never was really that into her in the first place, etc. Valerie tries to make him jealous by dancing all sexy medieval style with her girlfriend.
You know. Like you do.
It totally works.
"Daddy like."
So then they start gettin' all nastay in some hay or something, and Jeremy Irons sees them and gets all sad-face.
"Completely torn up over this, honestly."
FUN FACTS-- these are the places Valerie and Peter get vaguely nastay within the parameters of a PG-13 ratings system:
1. The woods
2. Hay
3. Against a wall covered in spikes
Having gotten legitimately nastay in the woods, I can assure you that it's not as hot as the film might lead you to believe. There are generally a lot of sticks poking in uncomfortable places, and dry leaves are pretty itchy, and wet leaves are even worse, and also there are bugs. Hay is similarly poky/itchy/suspiciously damp/lice-ridden. Walls of spikes, I admit I have not tried, so feel free to fill us in if you have any experience with wall-of-spikes-dry-humping.
"I might be enjoying this more convincingly if someone had bothered to sand and polish these spikes beforehand."
I'm going to assume they also dry-humped on top of that bunny whose throat they cut, because they seem like the sort of people who would do that. ALL MY HATE, AMANDA SEYFRIED, ALL MY HATE.
The festivities are suddenly, shockingly, interrupted by the appearance of the werewolf. He's big and black and pretty ridiculous, but he does manage to take out a bunch of less-important villagers and avoid getting hit by a single weapon thrown by expert warriors. The werewolf corners Valerie and one of her three less-pretty friends, and starts talking to Valerie, only her friend can't understand it. He wants Valerie to run away with him or else he'll destroy the whole village. He has dark brown human eyes. Then he runs off and Valerie makes her less-pretty friend swear she won't tell anyone the wolf talked to her.
Well, as it turns out, Less-Pretty Friend #2 has a simpleton brother that Gary Oldman suspects knows the identity of the wolf. He throws the poor kid in the brass elephant and lights a fire underneath it until the boy will confess what he knows, which turns out to be zilch. Less-Pretty Friend #2 begs Gary Oldman for her brother's release, but he isn't buying until the girl offers to trade him the identity of a witch in return for little bro's freedom. She rats out Valerie in front of the whole town, and it turns out her brother had already died, anyway.
"Don't even try to deny my glorious bitchdom, honey. Also let me hold your cloak a minute. It'd look better on me, anyway."
That night, Valerie is brought out in some weird metal mask and chained in the middle of town as a sacrifice to the werewolf, since now everyone knows she's the one it wants, anyway. Jeremy Irons and Peter are both pretty bummed about this, so they team up to use their respective powers of blacksmithing and being a badass to set Valerie free. They also bring in Valerie's drunkard dad, because why not.
While she's sitting there waiting for the werewolf to show up, Valerie wonders which of the villagers could be the true monster, and realizes that EVERY OTHER FUCKING PERSON IN THE VILLAGE HAS DARK BROWN EYES. So that, you know, narrows it down a bit. The clever plot concocted by Jeremy Irons, Peter, and Charlie Valerie's dad comes together just in time, but Peter is caught by Gary Oldman and his guards and stuck in the elephant. The kindly village priest is sick of all this violence shit and tries to stop Gary Oldman's reign of terror, but Gary Oldman stabs him in the back. Jeremy Irons gets shot with a crossbow bolt while they're running, but overall seems okay, and tries to get Valerie to the holy ground of the church, where the werewolf won't be able to reach them.
Gary Oldman attempts to stop Valerie from crossing the church yard's threshold, but the werewolf shows up and bites off his forearm. Since it's still a blood moon and this means Gary Oldman is a werewolf now, one of his guards who is also fed up with Gary Oldman's shit stabs him to death. The werewolf nearly grabs Valerie, but when his paw touches the holy ground it gets all burned and junk, then all of Valerie's friends pull a "IF YOU WANT HER YOU'LL HAVE TO GO THROUGH US" kind of thingie, and the sun is about to come up, so the werewolf runs off again. Valerie goes home to bed, then has a nightmare about her grandmother. Thinking she finally knows the truth, she heads off to Grandma's house to set things straight.
On the way she runs in to Peter, who's managed to escape from the elephant and tries one more time to convince Valerie to run off with him. Wait, wasn't the werewolf ALSO trying to get Valerie to run off with him? And doesn't Peter ALSO have dark brown eyes? Valerie does the sensible thing and stabs him in the stomach, then kind of stands around dithering until he vanishes.
"Dithering comprises 75% of my role."
When she gets to Grandma's remote cabin, a shrouded figure with a hoarse voice is sitting behind the bed curtains, imploring Valerie to eat some delicious soup. Valerie takes a bite and then reconsiders. "What's in this soup?" She wants to know, presumably in case it's got too many preservatives or non-organic produce. Out jumps... CHARLIE HER FATHER. Yeah, turns out he was the wolf all along. Grandma, his mom, managed to be married to a werewolf for who knows how many years, nursed another one at her teat, and didn't figure it out until just then, so her son had to murder her and then feed her to his daughter, which is the only reasonable conclusion. "That's why you could understand me," Charlie tells her, "and when I realized your sister couldn't because she wasn't really my daughter, I just straight up killed her. I honestly feel bad about it, though. Now come be an invincible werewolf with me forever." Valerie insists she won't go with him, that she'll never be like him and do the terrible things he does. Before Charlie can chomp her, though, Peter busts in and there's a fight. Things look grim, but then Peter throws his axe into Charlie's back, and Valerie whips her secret weapon out of her little picnic basket-- GARY OLDMAN'S HAND WITH THE SILVER FINGERNAILS-- and stabs Charlie in the stomach with it.
.............................
Yes, you had to read that. I had to write it. There was no other bit of sharp silver in the ENTIRE VILLAGE, and it JUST SO HAPPENED no one bothered to pick a random arm up off the ground and dispose of it sensibly, so Valerie stuck it in her basket and used it to kill her dad.
"You've got to hand it to me, I put my finger on a handy solution and went mano a mano in a gripping battle with that knucklehead."
But then-- SHOCK AND AWE-- it turns out in all the confusion Charlie managed to land a bite on Peter's arm. It's still a blood moon, so now he's a werewolf, too! O AGONY.
"Man, FUCK werewolves. I'm goin' back to the Renaissance."
Valerie and Peter cut Charlie open, throw some rocks in and sew him back up, then dump him in the lake so he won't float. They've gotten a lot of practice doing this sort of thing, on account of all the fluffy white bunnies they used to murder.
"When will the genocide end?"
Peter has decided to be a sensitive werewolf, but before he runs off into the woods Valerie swears to wait for him. What she's waiting for, exactly, I'm not certain, but maybe he needs time to get the hang of only killing tertiary characters. She goes to live in the cabin of the dead grandmother she ate bits of, Jeremy Irons becomes a noble monster-hunter, and occasionally when Valerie's out picking flowers in the middle of the night (like you do), Peter the werewolf stops by to wave hello before he goes on another tertiary character killing spree.
THE END.
Reasons you should see this movie:
-You can't stop staring at Amanda Seyfried.
-Your favorite kind of werewolves are the ones that look like angry, oversized Newfoundlands rendered in bad CGI.
-No hope for the vampire-baby birth scene in the fourth Twilight movie, so watching an actor from the series get killed with dismembered fingernails is the next best thing.
-You have not yet developed an ability to discern decent cinema from tripe crammed down your throat with a dirty shovel, or you're me.
-You literally have nothing else to do except watch paint dry.
Reasons you shouldn't see this movie:
-Everything else in the entire world.
Penelope's final word:
"Retribution is mahn, bitches! FEATS OF STRAAAANNNNGTH!"