FIC: A Naive Notion [Jaejoong/Junsu]
a naive notion
jaejoong/junsu; 2,950
R (very briefly)
Jaejoong doesn't enjoy making things unnecessarily difficult for himself, yet he manages spectacularly anyway.
Belated birthday fic for thevirginia! Yay for getting old? This is weirdly fluffy, I'm a little embarrassed. But Jaejoong is an embarrassing being.
Jaejoong sometimes wonders exactly how he's able to have what he does. He leaves the bathroom toweling his hair and finds Junsu still on the floor where he left him 20 minutes ago, hunched over the controller as he plays a first-person shooter game with Junho on the other end of the headset. Junsu's tongue is sticking out in concentration and his brow scrunches up each time his character gets into a stressful situation.
Smiling to himself, Jaejoong heads into the kitchen with the sounds of Junsu yelling into the headset trailing around the corner. He puts the kettle on for tea and thinks about how it all happened: the spontaneous 2am trips to Han River that slowly became a rigid weekly schedule, the surprise of Junsu recognizing and confessing his feelings first, and the handful of awkward dates that both were all too happy to forget replaced by just spending time on the couch in their pajamas.
The first time they had sex was a train wreck and no sex actually happened. Jaejoong had been so nervous he couldn't get it up, which made Junsu think he wasn't wanted. They laugh about it now, but for a couple weeks, Jaejoong had thought their relationship was going to be short-lived. He blushes as he searches for a mug and thinks about how their bedroom activities have vastly improved since then, helped along by videos of the pornographic variety.
They're coming up on a year now, which baffles Jaejoong when he thinks about it. He's never been in a relationship that lasted more than 6 months. Half the time he's waiting for this one to blow up in his face. Maybe Junsu will suddenly realize he doesn't like dick. Maybe he'll suddenly realize he doesn't like dick. He's never had the guts to admit it to Junsu, but each day that goes by is another reason for him to steel himself for heartbreak.
He joins Junsu in the living room with his tea cupped in both hands, his steps careful once he gets closer because it wouldn't be the first time Junsu's been oblivious to his presence when there's fictional enemies to shoot down. The small scar on Jaejoong's shin from when it lost against the corner of the coffee table knows the consequences all too well. He sets his mug on the side table to cool and maneuvers himself on the couch so that his legs fall on either side of Junsu. It's enough contact to appease Jaejoong and doesn't distract Junsu either.
There's something about their version of domesticity that Jaejoong really finds comfort in. In most situations, Jaejoong's that guy that doesn't deal well with long pauses and talks just to fill the silence. But sitting here right now watching Junsu do something he has little interest in he just feels relaxed.
Junsu's conversation with his brother before they sign off for the night brings Jaejoong out of his thoughts.
"What! I spent all of high school with a crush on her and now she decides she likes me? Well if you run into her again, tell her thanks but no thanks."
Jaejoong frowns before he can stop himself, wanting to know who they're talking about. Junsu says good night and turns the console and TV off before stretching his arms up.
"Hey," Junsu says, smiling as he tips his head back. His arms wind around Jaejoong's legs and, like a well-trained pet, Jaejoong leans down to peck Junsu on the lips. For all of Junsu's obliviousness at times, Jaejoong's pretty sure he's actually an accidental genius.
"Who did you have a crush on in high school?" Jaejoong says, pretending to be casual. He cards his fingers through Junsu's hair and remembers when Junsu used to do it to him for comfort. Junsu is the receiver most of the time these days, but only because Jaejoong can't get a grip on his need to always be touching his boyfriend.
"Hm? Oh just this girl who lived in my neighborhood. Her name was Lee Hyojin. Every guy was in love with her, so I didn't really stand a chance."
"But she likes you now?"
Junsu laughs and tips his head against Jaejoong's knee. "I guess? Convenient timing now that I'm famous." Jaejoong must've been quiet for too long because Junsu pokes his thigh and teases, "Don't tell me you're jealous."
Jaejoong has every intention of denying the accusation, but he fumbles and hesitates.
"Hyung," Junsu says, his expression softened, "I haven't seen or spoken to her in almost 10 years. And, if you haven't noticed, I'm pretty happy dating you."
All things Jaejoong had already told himself the second his brain started jumping to ridiculous conclusions. "You're right, I'm being silly." He grabs his mug and disappears into the kitchen, the acknowledgement of being irrational not really able to stop his quickly spiraling thoughts.
Junsu follows him into the kitchen, but Jaejoong is good at being evasive when he wants to be. He slips past Junsu before the other gets a word in edgewise, mumbling something about sleep.
He goes through the motions of blow drying his hair and brushing his teeth. When he exits the bathroom he finds Junsu sitting on the bed. "You're on my side," he says, to which Junsu just takes his hand and pulls him in between the vee of his legs.
Silence hangs between them, which Jaejoong knows now to be Junsu's way of getting him to talk. When they first got together, he had a massive freak out and hid in the bathroom for 2 hours playing worst case scenarios in his head about their family and friends and the public. Junsu had simply sat out in the hallway and dragged his knuckles over the door slowly, and the sound is what Jaejoong still remembers, a reminder that Junsu is always there, always constant.
Which, honestly, terrifies him a little. A lot.
"I'm really not good at this, am I?" Jaejoong plays with the collar of Junsu's shirt, tugging it this way and that. He hates when he does something stupid and Junsu figures him out in 2 seconds because he doesn't know how to hide his irrational feelings. Yet he still manages to keep doing stupid things and need comforting by his younger better half.
"Why are you jealous?"
"I'm not," Jaejoong says, and wonders if he could sound more like a toddler right now. He groans and rubs his hands over his face. There won't ever be a good time to have this conversation, he thinks, so he might as well do it now. "I just. Think you're too good for me?"
Junsu stares at him expressionless, but the tension in his face tells Jaejoong he's actually upset. His hands grip Jaejoong's wrists too tight. "What does that mean? You don't want to do this anymore?"
"Oh my god, this is not a break up conversation," Jaejoong says, and Junsu relaxes some. His fingers still tingle from lack of circulation though. "Did you know that I've known you longer than you think?"
"Okay?"
Jaejoong groans again, this time embarrassed. "I went to the auditions twice. The first time I went I was nervous as hell and chickened out because I thought I wasn't good enough and was just wasting my time."
"I still don't get the point of this story."
"Jesus chr - I chickened out because I saw you practicing and you were really good and I was never going to be that good. And I know it's really stupid, but that's a big part of who you are to me. The one who's better." Jaejoong stares at the ceiling. "Shit, this is embarrassing. Can you not look at me for a bit so I can pretend I'm not here?"
The seconds tick by and Jaejoong keeps his eyes fixed firmly on the ceiling fan. At least until Junsu starts shaking and he looks down to find that he's being laughed at. "Am I missing something? I feel a little bit insulted."
"Sorry," Junsu says, though he's still laughing a bit so the sentiment doesn't seem that genuine to Jaejoong. "You think I'm the one who's better?"
"I don't think. You are better." Jaejoong lists things off his fingers. "You're better at singing without trying, dancing, sports, making people like you. I'm also pretty sure you're better at blowjobs, but I guess I can't prove that one definitively without involving other people and that's absolutely not an option."
Junsu catches Jaejoong's hand. "You're ridiculous."
"Don't call your boyfriend ridiculous after he's bared his soul to you."
"There's the flair for dramatics I was waiting for."
Jaejoong links their fingers together. "Maybe I should make this a break up conversation."
Junsu tips back onto the bed with his legs still dangling off the side and tugs on Jaejoong's hand for him to do the same, which he does after a moment of acting like he doesn't want to. This is made obvious when he presses up as close as possible to Junsu just short of actually crawling on top of him.
"No break up talks," Junsu says, his expression serious, but softened with a smile. He combs his fingers through Jaejoong's hair. "I never knew you thought those things."
"Well. It's not like I've been putting them on display."
"You always put everything on display."
Sighing, Jaejoong presses his cheek against Junsu's shoulder. "No one wants an insecure boyfriend. A boyfriend that's older than you even."
"I really feel like we're having two different conversations."
"Are you saying you've never felt irrationally insecure about anything?" Jaejoong says, then holds up his hand. "No, don't answer that. I don't need to feel like even more of a failure."
Really, he'd just prefer if Junsu forgot everything from the past hour. He doesn't really feel better after confessing his insecurities, which is what he thought was supposed to happen. In fact, he's more uneasy because now Junsu knows and that'll mean more pressure to act normal. A sharp but quickly dulling pain interrupts him from his thoughts and he rubs his arm, glaring half-heartedly at Junsu who still has finger extended.
"You're thinking really loud. It's annoying."
Jaejoong doesn't respond and stares at the ceiling again. "You really don't think one of us is going to wake up one day and wonder what we're doing?"
"If you don't know what we're doing yet," Junsu says, his hand making its way to Jaejoong's stomach and sneaking under his shirt, "then we have miscommunication issues of epic proportions."
Jaejoong reminds his body that they were in the middle of a very serious adult conversation, meaning it was no time to become aroused. He's able to keep his dignity as Junsu divests him off his shirt, but by the time his pants and underwear gets tossed on the floor he knows he's lost the fight before it's even begun.
As Junsu took him into his mouth, Jaejoong thinks that maybe it's not the worst thing if Junsu was better at everything. Case in point, was it really so terrible that Junsu was better at giving blowjobs? His body didn't seem to think so.
"Don't - don't think that - that - nngh," Jaejoong groans as Junsu does that thing with his tongue, the thing that always short circuits his brain and makes him surrender completely.
"Don't think what?" Junsu says, the smugness in his voice palpable. Jaejoong can't even yell at him for being a jerk because Junsu all but swallows him and he's gone, shaking and shuddering and spent.
When he opens his eyes again, Junsu is stroking his hair and there's an unexpected hint of possessiveness in the way Junsu's looking at him. His chest tightens when Junsu kisses him because he expects it to be rough and messy, but it's nothing like that. It's the very opposite, like Jaejoong will fall to pieces if not careful, and he almost wants to stop so he can tell Junsu he won't break.
"I know we never say it but I do lo-," is all Junsu gets out before Jaejoong claps a hand over his mouth. Junsu removes it. "Why does that scare you?"
Jaejoong thinks about five years and ten years. He thinks about having a house, about developing a rhythm that's just their own. About permanence. And that's really what this is all about, his undeniable want for a center to revolve around, to be his balance.
When they were still working 18 hour days and lived by a list of all the hundreds of things they weren't allowed to do, Jaejoong made his own list of the things he wanted when he could finally settle down with someone. He wrote it when he was still young and unjaded, a naive notion of what romance was embedded in his head, and years later he accepted that he would be happy if he only found something that fit half the criteria. It would be good enough.
But Junsu, he realizes now, is everything on that list. Someone who will listen to him ramble about things that don't matter. Someone who will inspire songs. Someone who won't laugh at the amount of closet space he needs. Or his lengthy beauty regimen that he never admits to in public. Someone who will accept his hugs unconditionally, no matter if they're too long or too many.
Junsu is everything.
"Hyung," Junsu says when Jaejoong doesn't answer.
That piece of paper from nearly a decade ago has been living in his jewelry box and he rises to find it, to see if it's true and to show what he can't tell. The edges have worn down from the weight of all the rings and bracelets he's collected over the years, but the words are still there.
"What's this?" Junsu says when Jaejoong hands him the list that's been folded and refolded, the words on it in five different colors from all the times he thought of something else to add.
"It's you."
Junsu looks confused, but reads the list. In those few moments, Jaejoong wonders if this was a terrible idea. He clenches his hands at his sides just in case he reaches forward to snatch the paper back.
"This is kind of saccharine," Junsu says, just when Jaejoong thinks he's going to spontaneously combust from embarrassment.
"You don't have to keep reading it." Jaejoong goes for the paper, but Junsu holds it out of reach.
"I didn't say I didn't like it." Junsu lies back and skims the list again. "I don't get it. If this is me, why are you so scared?"
"I'm scared because it is you," Jaejoong says, and the words don't come as easily as he'd like them to. "You're - fuck, you're every single thing on there. You really don't get it?"
"Not really. From where I'm standing, this is a great thing and we should be screwing like bunnies right now."
Exasperated, Jaejoong snatches the paper. "No one's supposed to be everything," he says, sitting down at the desk in the corner. He goes down the list, trying to find one thing that Junsu isn't. He fails. "People don't just get everything."
"I'm not going anywhere."
Jaejoong wants permanence and balance, but he can't accept that it would just fall into his lap like this - the other shoe has to drop. He thinks back to that moment over ten years ago when he stood outside the practice room and watched Junsu dance like it was as easy as breathing. The incompetence he felt then made him chicken out and he knows he's doing it again now. Chickening out of having something amazing because he's intimidated and overwhelmed.
Suddenly Junsu plops down in his lap, straddling him. "You're going to give yourself a panic attack if you keep thinking so hard," Junsu says, his voice light but his eyes concerned.
"Am I not having one already?" Jaejoong says, intending it to be a joke, but he's really wondering. He tips his head forward against Junsu's chest and allows himself to focus on nothing but the rhythm of Junsu's fingers combing through his hair. "You're everything," he says quietly, somewhere between a question and a statement, an exhale more than actual sounds, and what he really means is something much more than that.
"Maybe sometimes some people do get everything," Junsu says, pushing Jaejoong back to force him to look up. "Maybe you're one of them. And me too." He pauses. "I'm going to be really pissed if you run away from this."
It's not an empty threat, Jaejoong knows, and it's because it's a promise that he feels relieved. He smiles and takes Junsu's hands, resting their foreheads together. "I won't run."
They stay like that for a while and Jaejoong's legs go numb, but he doesn't tell Junsu to move. Instead he says, "Tell me again. I won't stop you."
"Are you still scared?"
"Yes."
Junsu smiles, kisses him, and says the words clearly.
Later, long after Junsu has fallen asleep, Jaejoong sits down and adds one last thing to the list: someone I will want to show this to so they know.
jaejoong/junsu; 2,950
R (very briefly)
Jaejoong doesn't enjoy making things unnecessarily difficult for himself, yet he manages spectacularly anyway.
Belated birthday fic for thevirginia! Yay for getting old? This is weirdly fluffy, I'm a little embarrassed. But Jaejoong is an embarrassing being.
Jaejoong sometimes wonders exactly how he's able to have what he does. He leaves the bathroom toweling his hair and finds Junsu still on the floor where he left him 20 minutes ago, hunched over the controller as he plays a first-person shooter game with Junho on the other end of the headset. Junsu's tongue is sticking out in concentration and his brow scrunches up each time his character gets into a stressful situation.
Smiling to himself, Jaejoong heads into the kitchen with the sounds of Junsu yelling into the headset trailing around the corner. He puts the kettle on for tea and thinks about how it all happened: the spontaneous 2am trips to Han River that slowly became a rigid weekly schedule, the surprise of Junsu recognizing and confessing his feelings first, and the handful of awkward dates that both were all too happy to forget replaced by just spending time on the couch in their pajamas.
The first time they had sex was a train wreck and no sex actually happened. Jaejoong had been so nervous he couldn't get it up, which made Junsu think he wasn't wanted. They laugh about it now, but for a couple weeks, Jaejoong had thought their relationship was going to be short-lived. He blushes as he searches for a mug and thinks about how their bedroom activities have vastly improved since then, helped along by videos of the pornographic variety.
They're coming up on a year now, which baffles Jaejoong when he thinks about it. He's never been in a relationship that lasted more than 6 months. Half the time he's waiting for this one to blow up in his face. Maybe Junsu will suddenly realize he doesn't like dick. Maybe he'll suddenly realize he doesn't like dick. He's never had the guts to admit it to Junsu, but each day that goes by is another reason for him to steel himself for heartbreak.
He joins Junsu in the living room with his tea cupped in both hands, his steps careful once he gets closer because it wouldn't be the first time Junsu's been oblivious to his presence when there's fictional enemies to shoot down. The small scar on Jaejoong's shin from when it lost against the corner of the coffee table knows the consequences all too well. He sets his mug on the side table to cool and maneuvers himself on the couch so that his legs fall on either side of Junsu. It's enough contact to appease Jaejoong and doesn't distract Junsu either.
There's something about their version of domesticity that Jaejoong really finds comfort in. In most situations, Jaejoong's that guy that doesn't deal well with long pauses and talks just to fill the silence. But sitting here right now watching Junsu do something he has little interest in he just feels relaxed.
Junsu's conversation with his brother before they sign off for the night brings Jaejoong out of his thoughts.
"What! I spent all of high school with a crush on her and now she decides she likes me? Well if you run into her again, tell her thanks but no thanks."
Jaejoong frowns before he can stop himself, wanting to know who they're talking about. Junsu says good night and turns the console and TV off before stretching his arms up.
"Hey," Junsu says, smiling as he tips his head back. His arms wind around Jaejoong's legs and, like a well-trained pet, Jaejoong leans down to peck Junsu on the lips. For all of Junsu's obliviousness at times, Jaejoong's pretty sure he's actually an accidental genius.
"Who did you have a crush on in high school?" Jaejoong says, pretending to be casual. He cards his fingers through Junsu's hair and remembers when Junsu used to do it to him for comfort. Junsu is the receiver most of the time these days, but only because Jaejoong can't get a grip on his need to always be touching his boyfriend.
"Hm? Oh just this girl who lived in my neighborhood. Her name was Lee Hyojin. Every guy was in love with her, so I didn't really stand a chance."
"But she likes you now?"
Junsu laughs and tips his head against Jaejoong's knee. "I guess? Convenient timing now that I'm famous." Jaejoong must've been quiet for too long because Junsu pokes his thigh and teases, "Don't tell me you're jealous."
Jaejoong has every intention of denying the accusation, but he fumbles and hesitates.
"Hyung," Junsu says, his expression softened, "I haven't seen or spoken to her in almost 10 years. And, if you haven't noticed, I'm pretty happy dating you."
All things Jaejoong had already told himself the second his brain started jumping to ridiculous conclusions. "You're right, I'm being silly." He grabs his mug and disappears into the kitchen, the acknowledgement of being irrational not really able to stop his quickly spiraling thoughts.
Junsu follows him into the kitchen, but Jaejoong is good at being evasive when he wants to be. He slips past Junsu before the other gets a word in edgewise, mumbling something about sleep.
He goes through the motions of blow drying his hair and brushing his teeth. When he exits the bathroom he finds Junsu sitting on the bed. "You're on my side," he says, to which Junsu just takes his hand and pulls him in between the vee of his legs.
Silence hangs between them, which Jaejoong knows now to be Junsu's way of getting him to talk. When they first got together, he had a massive freak out and hid in the bathroom for 2 hours playing worst case scenarios in his head about their family and friends and the public. Junsu had simply sat out in the hallway and dragged his knuckles over the door slowly, and the sound is what Jaejoong still remembers, a reminder that Junsu is always there, always constant.
Which, honestly, terrifies him a little. A lot.
"I'm really not good at this, am I?" Jaejoong plays with the collar of Junsu's shirt, tugging it this way and that. He hates when he does something stupid and Junsu figures him out in 2 seconds because he doesn't know how to hide his irrational feelings. Yet he still manages to keep doing stupid things and need comforting by his younger better half.
"Why are you jealous?"
"I'm not," Jaejoong says, and wonders if he could sound more like a toddler right now. He groans and rubs his hands over his face. There won't ever be a good time to have this conversation, he thinks, so he might as well do it now. "I just. Think you're too good for me?"
Junsu stares at him expressionless, but the tension in his face tells Jaejoong he's actually upset. His hands grip Jaejoong's wrists too tight. "What does that mean? You don't want to do this anymore?"
"Oh my god, this is not a break up conversation," Jaejoong says, and Junsu relaxes some. His fingers still tingle from lack of circulation though. "Did you know that I've known you longer than you think?"
"Okay?"
Jaejoong groans again, this time embarrassed. "I went to the auditions twice. The first time I went I was nervous as hell and chickened out because I thought I wasn't good enough and was just wasting my time."
"I still don't get the point of this story."
"Jesus chr - I chickened out because I saw you practicing and you were really good and I was never going to be that good. And I know it's really stupid, but that's a big part of who you are to me. The one who's better." Jaejoong stares at the ceiling. "Shit, this is embarrassing. Can you not look at me for a bit so I can pretend I'm not here?"
The seconds tick by and Jaejoong keeps his eyes fixed firmly on the ceiling fan. At least until Junsu starts shaking and he looks down to find that he's being laughed at. "Am I missing something? I feel a little bit insulted."
"Sorry," Junsu says, though he's still laughing a bit so the sentiment doesn't seem that genuine to Jaejoong. "You think I'm the one who's better?"
"I don't think. You are better." Jaejoong lists things off his fingers. "You're better at singing without trying, dancing, sports, making people like you. I'm also pretty sure you're better at blowjobs, but I guess I can't prove that one definitively without involving other people and that's absolutely not an option."
Junsu catches Jaejoong's hand. "You're ridiculous."
"Don't call your boyfriend ridiculous after he's bared his soul to you."
"There's the flair for dramatics I was waiting for."
Jaejoong links their fingers together. "Maybe I should make this a break up conversation."
Junsu tips back onto the bed with his legs still dangling off the side and tugs on Jaejoong's hand for him to do the same, which he does after a moment of acting like he doesn't want to. This is made obvious when he presses up as close as possible to Junsu just short of actually crawling on top of him.
"No break up talks," Junsu says, his expression serious, but softened with a smile. He combs his fingers through Jaejoong's hair. "I never knew you thought those things."
"Well. It's not like I've been putting them on display."
"You always put everything on display."
Sighing, Jaejoong presses his cheek against Junsu's shoulder. "No one wants an insecure boyfriend. A boyfriend that's older than you even."
"I really feel like we're having two different conversations."
"Are you saying you've never felt irrationally insecure about anything?" Jaejoong says, then holds up his hand. "No, don't answer that. I don't need to feel like even more of a failure."
Really, he'd just prefer if Junsu forgot everything from the past hour. He doesn't really feel better after confessing his insecurities, which is what he thought was supposed to happen. In fact, he's more uneasy because now Junsu knows and that'll mean more pressure to act normal. A sharp but quickly dulling pain interrupts him from his thoughts and he rubs his arm, glaring half-heartedly at Junsu who still has finger extended.
"You're thinking really loud. It's annoying."
Jaejoong doesn't respond and stares at the ceiling again. "You really don't think one of us is going to wake up one day and wonder what we're doing?"
"If you don't know what we're doing yet," Junsu says, his hand making its way to Jaejoong's stomach and sneaking under his shirt, "then we have miscommunication issues of epic proportions."
Jaejoong reminds his body that they were in the middle of a very serious adult conversation, meaning it was no time to become aroused. He's able to keep his dignity as Junsu divests him off his shirt, but by the time his pants and underwear gets tossed on the floor he knows he's lost the fight before it's even begun.
As Junsu took him into his mouth, Jaejoong thinks that maybe it's not the worst thing if Junsu was better at everything. Case in point, was it really so terrible that Junsu was better at giving blowjobs? His body didn't seem to think so.
"Don't - don't think that - that - nngh," Jaejoong groans as Junsu does that thing with his tongue, the thing that always short circuits his brain and makes him surrender completely.
"Don't think what?" Junsu says, the smugness in his voice palpable. Jaejoong can't even yell at him for being a jerk because Junsu all but swallows him and he's gone, shaking and shuddering and spent.
When he opens his eyes again, Junsu is stroking his hair and there's an unexpected hint of possessiveness in the way Junsu's looking at him. His chest tightens when Junsu kisses him because he expects it to be rough and messy, but it's nothing like that. It's the very opposite, like Jaejoong will fall to pieces if not careful, and he almost wants to stop so he can tell Junsu he won't break.
"I know we never say it but I do lo-," is all Junsu gets out before Jaejoong claps a hand over his mouth. Junsu removes it. "Why does that scare you?"
Jaejoong thinks about five years and ten years. He thinks about having a house, about developing a rhythm that's just their own. About permanence. And that's really what this is all about, his undeniable want for a center to revolve around, to be his balance.
When they were still working 18 hour days and lived by a list of all the hundreds of things they weren't allowed to do, Jaejoong made his own list of the things he wanted when he could finally settle down with someone. He wrote it when he was still young and unjaded, a naive notion of what romance was embedded in his head, and years later he accepted that he would be happy if he only found something that fit half the criteria. It would be good enough.
But Junsu, he realizes now, is everything on that list. Someone who will listen to him ramble about things that don't matter. Someone who will inspire songs. Someone who won't laugh at the amount of closet space he needs. Or his lengthy beauty regimen that he never admits to in public. Someone who will accept his hugs unconditionally, no matter if they're too long or too many.
Junsu is everything.
"Hyung," Junsu says when Jaejoong doesn't answer.
That piece of paper from nearly a decade ago has been living in his jewelry box and he rises to find it, to see if it's true and to show what he can't tell. The edges have worn down from the weight of all the rings and bracelets he's collected over the years, but the words are still there.
"What's this?" Junsu says when Jaejoong hands him the list that's been folded and refolded, the words on it in five different colors from all the times he thought of something else to add.
"It's you."
Junsu looks confused, but reads the list. In those few moments, Jaejoong wonders if this was a terrible idea. He clenches his hands at his sides just in case he reaches forward to snatch the paper back.
"This is kind of saccharine," Junsu says, just when Jaejoong thinks he's going to spontaneously combust from embarrassment.
"You don't have to keep reading it." Jaejoong goes for the paper, but Junsu holds it out of reach.
"I didn't say I didn't like it." Junsu lies back and skims the list again. "I don't get it. If this is me, why are you so scared?"
"I'm scared because it is you," Jaejoong says, and the words don't come as easily as he'd like them to. "You're - fuck, you're every single thing on there. You really don't get it?"
"Not really. From where I'm standing, this is a great thing and we should be screwing like bunnies right now."
Exasperated, Jaejoong snatches the paper. "No one's supposed to be everything," he says, sitting down at the desk in the corner. He goes down the list, trying to find one thing that Junsu isn't. He fails. "People don't just get everything."
"I'm not going anywhere."
Jaejoong wants permanence and balance, but he can't accept that it would just fall into his lap like this - the other shoe has to drop. He thinks back to that moment over ten years ago when he stood outside the practice room and watched Junsu dance like it was as easy as breathing. The incompetence he felt then made him chicken out and he knows he's doing it again now. Chickening out of having something amazing because he's intimidated and overwhelmed.
Suddenly Junsu plops down in his lap, straddling him. "You're going to give yourself a panic attack if you keep thinking so hard," Junsu says, his voice light but his eyes concerned.
"Am I not having one already?" Jaejoong says, intending it to be a joke, but he's really wondering. He tips his head forward against Junsu's chest and allows himself to focus on nothing but the rhythm of Junsu's fingers combing through his hair. "You're everything," he says quietly, somewhere between a question and a statement, an exhale more than actual sounds, and what he really means is something much more than that.
"Maybe sometimes some people do get everything," Junsu says, pushing Jaejoong back to force him to look up. "Maybe you're one of them. And me too." He pauses. "I'm going to be really pissed if you run away from this."
It's not an empty threat, Jaejoong knows, and it's because it's a promise that he feels relieved. He smiles and takes Junsu's hands, resting their foreheads together. "I won't run."
They stay like that for a while and Jaejoong's legs go numb, but he doesn't tell Junsu to move. Instead he says, "Tell me again. I won't stop you."
"Are you still scared?"
"Yes."
Junsu smiles, kisses him, and says the words clearly.
Later, long after Junsu has fallen asleep, Jaejoong sits down and adds one last thing to the list: someone I will want to show this to so they know.