Fic: The days fall apart in your hands (5/5)
Title: The days fall apart in your hands (5/5)
Pairing: Nino/OC, Nino/Ohno
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4500
Warning: Canon-AU, Memory issues
Summary: After four months away working in America, Nino comes back to find everyone around him is acting strangely - and it's becoming increasingly worrying. When he tries to understand what really happened while he was gone, he must dig past all the lies. To put all the broken pieces together, he must realize that one thing he kept away so deep down, locked up, long forgotten.
Notes:Happy new year to everyone! And let me say thank you to all of you, because you gave me amazing feedback and I'm so happy that so many could relate to this fic. It's one of my most precious baby's, so you can believe how happy you make me with every comment ♥ Thank you! Now onto the last part. I really hope I managed to conclude everything in a way you can enjoy. Again, lots of love to aozora_pedaru and eufry, you two are really the best! <3
For a long time he continued looking past Ohno at the spot in which he had seen the perfect illusion of his deceased wife for the last time; then he turned his gaze on Ohno.
"She's gone," he breathed with a hint of relief in his sad voice. Ohno again reached for his shoulders and this time Nino let him.
"That is-you did good." Ohno smiled, but it was only a small smile as it was appropriate in such a situation. Although Nino had achieved something, taken a step towards healing, this moment had nevertheless been a goodbye. And goodbyes were sad moments, especially when the moment they'd see each other again was so uncertain.
"You... prepared something to eat?" Nino asked hesitantly, because it was time to finally let go. He needed to look ahead to the future, needed to straighten out the here and now, not search through the shards of his past. This would only lead to bleeding feet and more pain.
Ohno smiled a little wider and nodded. "Hamburger curry."
Nino tried to ignore the stabbing pain in his heart, he also tried to smile, but it felt crooked and wrong. Ohno didn't say anything even though Nino was sure he had noticed.
After they had eaten, he asked Ohno to stay with him, asked him to sleep in his bed because the loneliness would only bring poisonous thoughts and memories; and Ohno stayed and held his hand tightly all night.
Nino dreamed of cherry blossoms in brown locks.
He didn't know what time it was when he woke up again. He felt as if he had slept for hours and maybe he had, maybe his body had finally taken what it needed after Nino had hounded it through the last day and used up all the strength he had ever possessed.
Ohno laid next to him, still holding onto his hand.
Nino observed Ohno's sleeping face, his relaxed features, and once again asked himself what had really happened between them. He felt that Ohno was a very important person in his life, more important than he had assumed only a couple of days ago. But how important? More important than Sayuri? It still sounded wrong in his head and he didn't know what to do to change that.
Carefully, he worked his hand free of Ohno's grip and sat up. He felt a little dizzy, but fortunately that went away quickly.
Only then did he notice that his other hand was balled into a fist. When he opened it, something fell onto the blanket next to him.
A small, white cherry blossom leaf.
Immediately he saw Sayuri in front of his mind's eye again, saw her putting the cherry blossom into his hand, smiling at him and breathing a lover's oath.
Nino swallowed, trying to also swallow the pictures, but they stubbornly stayed in his head while an uncomfortable heat spread throughout his body, making him sweat.
This cherry blossom couldn't be real. It had been part of the illusion the day before when he had imagined Sayuri giving it to him. It was a perfect creation of his mind and he couldn't fall for it any longer.
So he reached for the blossom, held it up in front of his eyes and concentrated on it, telling himself again and again that it wasn't real, that it be real.
He felt movement next to himself but he didn't pay any attention to it, instead he kept concentrating on the little cherry blossom and waited for it to disappear.
"Oh, a cherry blossom?" Ohno said, carefully taking it from Nino.
Ohno smiled at the blossom and Nino was on the verge of losing his mind, he wanted to lose his mind, right here and right now, because he didn't think he had the strength to keep on fighting.
The cherry blossom was real.
Did that mean that Sayuri had been real, too?
Or was Ohno also part of the illusion? Had he sunk so deep into his own illusions that Ohno and Asami and Arashi had become part of them?
Nino buried his head in his hands and took a deep breath, a very deep breath.
And then he screamed as loudly as he could.
He didn't know how long he had screamed, he only knew that he was still sitting in bed and that his open mouth was pressed against his sweaty palms when he came back to himself. He could taste the salt on his lips and his hair was sticking to his neck.
Slowly Nino took his hands away from his face again and feebly let them drop into his lap. Ohno had put his arms around his shoulders in a protective embrace, tenderly holding him against his chest. When he had done this, Nino had no idea.
His throat hurt so badly that he didn't dare speak.
"Better now?" Ohno asked him cautiously. All Nino could do was shake his head.
"I'm here," Ohno said then and Nino stopped breathing momentarily.
"That's what she said, too," he whispered hoarsely.
"Sayuri?"
At the sound of her name, Nino's insides contracted painfully. Ohno seemed to notice, had to notice, Nino's shoulders had tensed so much.
"We don't have to talk about her. If it makes you feel better, we won't talk about her. Never again. You said she was gone. Don't let her come back, Nino. Don't ever let her come back."
"But you are still here." Nino's voice was nothing more than a whisper. It felt as if it would stay that way forever, as if his vocal cords could no longer bear the strain his body had been under for the last few days. Nino asked himself which part of his body would give in next and when it would finally be his mind's turn.
Then he remembered that his mind had bowed out a long time ago. That it had been the first to give up.
"And I'll stay with you. I won't leave. I won't disappear." Ohno tightened his hold on him.
"But she disappeared."
"Yes, she did. But I-do you think-I'm not an illusion, Nino. I’m here. I'm here with you." Ohno sounded surprised, but still incredibly strong. His words brought the stability Nino needed. But his doubts weren't dealt with that easily - the cherry blossom didn't disappear that easily.
"Why do you see it then?" Nino took the crushed cherry blossom from Ohno, held it up, examined it, rubbed his fingers over it, again and again. It felt so real. But everything else had also felt real and Nino knew that he couldn't keep judging things on that basis. He couldn't trust his senses anymore.
But what should he trust then? His mind?
Ohno?
"Why do you see it? Sayuri gave it to me last night. It belongs to her. But she doesn't exist so how can this cherry blossom exist?"
Carefully, Ohno took the blossom back from him. But he didn't say anything and doubts once again began assailing Nino. Again he saw her in front of him, Sayuri, in front of the airport, in a sea of cherry blossoms. All the cherry blossoms in her hair.
"She gave it to me because she wanted me to remember our goodbyes," Nino continued. The memory just needed to get out, it needed to be voiced so he could decide whether to believe it or not. "Before I flew to Chicago. We were standing outside and there were many cherry trees. She was smiling at me and she had a cherry blossom in her hair and I caught it and she kissed me. The memory is so real, when I close my eyes I can see her so very clearly. I can see everything, I remember how I felt when she kissed me, how the cherry blossoms smelled. All these memories, they are too vivid to be mere illusions."
He heard Ohno breathe deeply and calmly, comfortingly, but he would much rather see him right now, would much rather look him in the eyes to know how his words affected him. That's why Nino broke free from his embrace so he could look at him directly.
Ohno smiled. But his eyes were sad.
"It's cherry blossom time," he said, smiling even more. But the corners of his mouth were twitching treacherously and his eyes glistened.
"There are cherry trees everywhere, the blossom must have just been blown in here yesterday."
As if Ohno's words had shaken him awake, Nino suddenly remembered the moment Sayuri had put the blossom into his hand.
Remembered that it had been pink.
And that the blossom he had found in his hand this morning was white.
Sayuri was an illusion.
But Ohno wasn't.
"I think you should see something," Ohno said then and his voice was full of promises. Nino hoped he wouldn't be disappointed.
Almost two hours later they got off the train that had brought them to the edge of Tokyo. He couldn't remember ever having been here before. But Ohno led the way unerringly, he seemed to know exactly where he was going.
A few minutes later they reached a big, almost empty square. A dry fountain stood in the middle, giving the square a sad look despite the sunny, warm weather.
It took a moment for Nino to realize that they were surrounded by cherry trees.
Ohno reached for his hand, leading him to the edge of the square. The light-colored cobblestones were vaguely familiar to him.
"Two years ago I had a Drama shoot here," Ohno began. "It's almost two years to the day today that you came to visit me here."
Nino tried to remember, but although the square seemed familiar, he couldn't picture the scene. Sayuri was still dominating his thoughts. Every time he saw cherry blossoms fluttering down to them due to the light breeze, he saw her.
"We fought a lot back then. Because of your wedding. I thought it would be better to break up. I wanted to give you a chance to be happy with Sayuri." Ohno huffed. "I don't know how I could think like that. I've regretted it every day since."
Nino looked at him for the first time since they had arrived, forced himself to not look at the blossoms any longer.
"You came here to tell me what an idiot I was. And that you would never break up with me, that that was the only reason you went through with the wedding in the first place. So we could stay together." Now Ohno was smiling again, but it resembled the bitter smile from this morning when they had been sitting on Nino's bed.
"You told me you loved me for the first time here." Ohno's voice sounded higher than normal and Nino swallowed.
He kept simply staring at him.
He saw Sayuri in front of him, her smile, the cherry blossoms in her hair.
It had been here.
Nino noisily sucked in air as the realization struck him. He closed his eyes and concentrated on the memory.
It had been right here. The picture in his head came from here, the cherry trees, the sun, standing high up in the sky, shining down on them. He heard the fountain in the background, heard the cicadas buzzing, even though it was completely silent around them.
But it hadn't been Sayuri standing in front of him, smiling at him. It hadn't been her giggles he'd heard. Not her lips giving him a fleeting kiss.
Nino opened his eyes again and saw Ohno in front of him, surrounded by cherry blossoms, falling cherry blossoms.
And then he understood.
At the same time, his body understood and his heart started beating rapidly. Seeing Ohno brought it all back to him, all at once, and it was an emotional overload, it was all too much at once and he only wanted-
"Please just hold me," he blurted out. "Please hold me. And don't ever let go."
The closeness he felt again after that was exactly what he needed. The embrace reminded him of the embraces he had shared with Ohno a few days ago, that had felt so strange and wrong to him, because they were more than a friendly gesture.
Now it was familiar. Now it felt just right.
"It wasn't her. It was never her. It was always you," Nino mumbled into Ohno's shoulder. He felt Ohno nod, felt him hug him tighter and Nino understood. Ohno didn't need to say anything because Nino knew exactly what was going on inside of him. This knowledge, that had finally come back, together with everything he now felt brought so much reality with it. His feelings for Ohno were his reality. Now that he felt it, now that he could see the real picture, Ohno surrounded by cherry blossoms, he knew that he could trust his mind again. This was so much stronger, so much more powerful than any of the illusions he had lived through.
Now that the memories had returned to his head and the emotions to his heart, he had a very hard time letting go of Ohno at all. Nino needed a long time until he was ready to let go, but Ohno didn't seem to mind. And then, on the way home, they exchanged only a few words but a lot of gentle caresses.
"We should tell the others soon," Ohno mentioned in passing, three stops before they had to get off the train. Nino didn't need long to figure out what he meant.
"Arashi... you said we are on a break at the moment?"
"We didn't want to carry on without you."
Nino lowered his gaze. He knew that none of them wanted him to feel guilty, but he couldn't help but feel it anyway. A two-year break, only because he hadn't had enough control, because he hadn't been able to deal with the accident.
He tensed automatically. Now that he had calmed down, more and more was building up within him. The guilt that his mind had tried to hide from him these past two years.
He hadn't saved Sayuri. She would likely still be alive if he had helped her escape from the car.
"Can we-," he began, but he had to stop and swallow before he was able to continue.
"Can we visit the grave?"
Ohno reached for his hand and nodded.
The graveyard lay above the city, granting visitors a great view. There were no cherry trees here and Nino was glad. He didn't know if he could have borne it had her grave been covered in cherry blossoms.
He read her name a couple times when they stood in front of the high headstone. Ninomiya Sayuri. The memories of his wedding had almost faded, were so blurry that Nino had a hard time seeing them in their entirety. Everything that had been so clear, so vivid, was now nothing more than the last empty page of a book, blank, never meant to be part of the story.
"I never loved you, did I?" he breathed into the silence surrounding him, seemingly an integral part of the graveyard.
He remembered that she had started visiting him more often one day. In the beginning he had thought nothing of it, had enjoyed spending time with her, because they had talked about their childhood a lot, had reminisced together. But then her visits had grown more frequent, she had called him all the time, often turning up on his doorstep unannounced and he had had to say something.
"We are married, why can't we make the best of it?" she had asked and Nino had shaken his head. Because she knew, she had known about Ohno and him when they had struck their deal.
But it hadn't stopped her.
Nino remembered many fights, unending discussions, not only between Sayuri and him, but after a while also between him and Ohno. Nino felt the indecision in himself that had been his daily companion back then. He hadn't wanted to disappoint either of them, had only wanted what was best for them.
Then Sayuri had told him that she loved him and brought complete chaos into his life.
"I'm sorry." Nino pressed his lips together tightly, staring fixedly at the headstone, the beautiful, curly script of her name. Their shared name.
"I'm sorry that I didn't help you."
"Nino," Ohno said quietly. Nino looked at him and only then did he feel the tears that had gathered in his eyes and were about to spill.
"It wasn't your fault. You heard Asami-sensei. Please don't think it was your fault."
Nino wanted nothing more than to simply nod, to agree with Ohno, but he knew that it wasn't that simple. It would take time, a long time, until he would reach a point where he would stop feeling guilty for her death. A point where he could forgive himself.
But he knew that he would one day reach it.
It was already growing dark when they arrived to his apartment. Ohno had called the other band members and one after another they now showed up and asked how Nino was feeling. Exactly as they had done in the days before. Nino wanted to laugh and he almost did. He almost managed to clear the chasm that separated him from laughter. Soon he would once again be able to laugh and he knew that as soon as the first real smile sneaked its way onto his lips, things would look up.
Ohno was sitting next to him on the sofa, in the very spot his daughter's blue blanket had been lying on, and bestowed more warmth and comfort than the blanket ever had. His gentle touches made Nino feel safe and at home. His existence alone reminded Nino that life would go on and that Ohno would forever be his faithful companion.
"We talked to Johnny," Jun smiled as they were sitting together. "He gave us the green light. As soon as you feel up to it, we'll get a real job. Together. As Arashi."
Now that Nino had most of his memories back, now that he remembered all the time that had passed since he had last stood in front of a camera with Arashi, he noticed how much he missed exactly that. Arashi was a big part of his life, something that had always given him a certain level of security. It was time to allow this security back into his life. And that as soon as possible.
Jun's smile grew, Aiba bit down on his lower lip and Nino realized that he had spoken his thoughts out loud.
Ohno had put his arm around his waist, pulling him close, but he pulled a little too hard and Nino landed halfway in his lap. He didn't know who laughed first, he only knew that after a while they were all laughing together.
That he himself was also laughing.
That he had simply jumped across the chasm. Or maybe the chasm had simply vanished.
Ohno stayed. He stayed the next night, the next week, stayed by Nino's side without him having to ask because they both knew that it was what he should do. What they needed. Ohno held his hand as often as he could, whether at press conferences during which he spoke about what had happened for the first time or at night in bed when the thoughts and recriminations came back, when the guilt threatened to throttle Nino. He held his hand and helped Nino breathe.
The more time passed, the more memories came back to him. Nino enjoyed the memories of his time with Ohno, all the big and small moments they had shared. He savored every one of them, whether good or bad. Even their fights, even the days they had avoided each other, until one of them gave in and appeared on the other's doorstep. They felt real and reality was what Nino craved.
He had known enough false memories. Enough illusions.
"Where is the ship?" he asked one day when he stepped into Asami's office, even before saying hello to the doctor. Asami chuckled and pointed at a big bag standing next to Nino's chair.
"I decided to give it to you."
Surprised, Nino looked from the bag to his doctor and back.
“Take a look."
He opened the bag and took the ship-in-a-bottle out. The sand was gone, had made way for a blue ground that the ship was now glued to. It looked like the clumsy work of an amateur, but Nino could only look at the doctor, incredibly touched.
“Thanks. This is-thanks."
Asami only shook his head and grinned.
His visits to his doctor and psychologist had been the same for some weeks now. Nino would talk about the memories that had come back to him and Asami would help close some gaps in his recollection. Then they would talk about the medication Nino was taking. Finally Nino would ask when he could stop taking the drugs and Asami would tell him to wait a little longer.
But today Asami touched upon a new topic.
"Are you ready to remember the accident?"
Nino swallowed. It was a topic he tried to avoid as much as possible, because as soon as he tried to think about it, the headache was back. Nino thought it was an automatic survival instinct of his body, developed in order to protect him, perfected over the years in order to protect his mind. Like antibodies that were produced after an infection to make sure the illness didn't come back.
"Relax," Asami's voice reached him and it was only now that Nino noticed how badly his hands were shaking.
"We'll start slow. Very slow. You told me about the day you visited Ohno on set. Concentrate on the image of him and the cherry blossoms."
Nino nodded, remembered. It was easy, this was one of his favorite memories.
"And now go on. What did you tell him?" Asami asked softly.
Nino took a deep breath, closed his eyes and went back to this moment.
"I told him that I would talk to Sayuri one last time. That I would tell her I had chosen him. That I would never choose her," Nino said and saw himself say the words to Ohno. Saw the joy in Ohno's eyes.
"And then you drove to her place," Asami helped him along.
Nino nodded again, keeping his eyes closed. He felt something within him wanting to tense, but he continued taking deep breaths, refusing to allow it to happen.
"I picked her up. I did that a lot at the time, because her car had broken down. But I wanted to tell her that it would be the last time and that we shouldn't see each other as often anymore."
Nino saw her in front of his mind's eye, but it wasn't the Sayuri of his illusions, the false memories that had accompanied him for so long. It was a Sayuri with wrinkled brows, cold eyes in which the sadness she desperately tried to hide shone all too clearly.
It had always been only an idea he had loved. Never Sayuri herself.
"We need to talk," he heard himself say to her. "I want to stop this."
He spoke for a long time, but the only thing she said again and again was, "I'm your wife." As if that was the only argument she needed, as if a piece of paper with their signatures on it could destroy everything else.
They didn't even have rings. And should Nino ever wear a ring, he was sure the matching ring would grace Ohno's hand. Never Sayuri's.
"I love Ohno. Nothing will change that, no matter how long you wait. I only want to-" but he didn't get any further because Sayuri's loud, angry voice interrupted him.
"Don't start with this idiot, you can't always bring him into things! I'm your wife, damn it, we are married!" she yelled at him and Nino had trouble concentrating on the road. His gaze switched between Sayuri and the road and he hoped ardently that she would calm down.
"Sayuri, listen-"
“No! He said he'll give us a chance. Don't you know what that means? He doesn't want you anymore, now that you're married!"
His grip on the steering wheel tightened. Not because he believed Sayuri - because he had stopped doing so a long time ago -, but because he didn't want to allow anger to rise within him. Because he knew that Sayuri was innocent, that it wasn't her fault.
That she was just in love with him. That it was he himself. That he himself had brought her here.
"He doesn't love you! I love you." She reached for his arm, but whatever she meant to do, Nino didn't let her, he pushed her away.
"Sayuri! You know that's not true. Ohno and I, we-you can't break us up. I'm sorry, but you can't. I don't want you to wait for something that will never happen." But the words that were meant to calm her down had the opposite effect on her. Sayuri only screamed louder and Nino continued talking insistently. Their voices had long since become a mixture of desperation and pleading, when she leaned towards him again, reached for him, pulling on him.
Nino tried to reach for her hands, tried once again to calm her.
During this he knocked his elbow against the steering wheel.
It all happened too fast for him to react.
The car drifted off the road.
He only saw water coming towards him.
Sayuri screamed.
The windshield burst under the pressure of the water, which now struck them in the face. It smothered Sayuri's screams.
Then it grew calm, dark.
Nino didn't know how he got home that day, but an hour later he found himself sitting on his sofa. Ohno wasn't there yet.
It had happened because of him.
They had fought about Ohno and that's why they had drifted off the road. That's why Sayuri had been scared of him, that's why she never wanted him to bring Ohno over.
Nino closed his eyes and thought back to the accident again, saw everything that he had seen in Asami's office happening in front of his mind's eye again. But this time he didn't stop when they hit the water, this time he went on, thought about how he had managed to free himself.
Then he thought about how he had turned to Sayuri, how she had tried to unbuckle the seatbelt, how the seatbelt hadn't moved, how she had panicked, pulling on the seatbelt again and again. How she had looked at him. The cry for help that had silently escaped her mouth, but been written so glaringly obvious in her eyes.
Nino imagined that he helped her, that he saved her and that they reached the surface together.
His eyes were still closed as he abandoned himself to this image, this moment in which, for the first time, he didn't feel guilty.
Then he felt the sofa dip next to him and the smell of cherry blossoms enveloped him.
The End
Ending notes: So that's it. Sorry, I am a sucker of slightly open endings. I still hope this fic was something you could enjoy. While writing, I had a habit of listening to Breathless as there are some parts in that song which really fit. I put them on some images of Lotus (obviously because of the cherry blossoms 8D), so let me show you:
"I want to burn that smile of yours into my memory
Even if it's just an illusion
With memories full of cracks and scratches
I'm wandering until I reach the end of this sadness"
Pairing: Nino/OC, Nino/Ohno
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4500
Warning: Canon-AU, Memory issues
Summary: After four months away working in America, Nino comes back to find everyone around him is acting strangely - and it's becoming increasingly worrying. When he tries to understand what really happened while he was gone, he must dig past all the lies. To put all the broken pieces together, he must realize that one thing he kept away so deep down, locked up, long forgotten.
Notes:Happy new year to everyone! And let me say thank you to all of you, because you gave me amazing feedback and I'm so happy that so many could relate to this fic. It's one of my most precious baby's, so you can believe how happy you make me with every comment ♥ Thank you! Now onto the last part. I really hope I managed to conclude everything in a way you can enjoy. Again, lots of love to aozora_pedaru and eufry, you two are really the best! <3
For a long time he continued looking past Ohno at the spot in which he had seen the perfect illusion of his deceased wife for the last time; then he turned his gaze on Ohno.
"She's gone," he breathed with a hint of relief in his sad voice. Ohno again reached for his shoulders and this time Nino let him.
"That is-you did good." Ohno smiled, but it was only a small smile as it was appropriate in such a situation. Although Nino had achieved something, taken a step towards healing, this moment had nevertheless been a goodbye. And goodbyes were sad moments, especially when the moment they'd see each other again was so uncertain.
"You... prepared something to eat?" Nino asked hesitantly, because it was time to finally let go. He needed to look ahead to the future, needed to straighten out the here and now, not search through the shards of his past. This would only lead to bleeding feet and more pain.
Ohno smiled a little wider and nodded. "Hamburger curry."
Nino tried to ignore the stabbing pain in his heart, he also tried to smile, but it felt crooked and wrong. Ohno didn't say anything even though Nino was sure he had noticed.
After they had eaten, he asked Ohno to stay with him, asked him to sleep in his bed because the loneliness would only bring poisonous thoughts and memories; and Ohno stayed and held his hand tightly all night.
Nino dreamed of cherry blossoms in brown locks.
He didn't know what time it was when he woke up again. He felt as if he had slept for hours and maybe he had, maybe his body had finally taken what it needed after Nino had hounded it through the last day and used up all the strength he had ever possessed.
Ohno laid next to him, still holding onto his hand.
Nino observed Ohno's sleeping face, his relaxed features, and once again asked himself what had really happened between them. He felt that Ohno was a very important person in his life, more important than he had assumed only a couple of days ago. But how important? More important than Sayuri? It still sounded wrong in his head and he didn't know what to do to change that.
Carefully, he worked his hand free of Ohno's grip and sat up. He felt a little dizzy, but fortunately that went away quickly.
Only then did he notice that his other hand was balled into a fist. When he opened it, something fell onto the blanket next to him.
A small, white cherry blossom leaf.
Immediately he saw Sayuri in front of his mind's eye again, saw her putting the cherry blossom into his hand, smiling at him and breathing a lover's oath.
Nino swallowed, trying to also swallow the pictures, but they stubbornly stayed in his head while an uncomfortable heat spread throughout his body, making him sweat.
This cherry blossom couldn't be real. It had been part of the illusion the day before when he had imagined Sayuri giving it to him. It was a perfect creation of his mind and he couldn't fall for it any longer.
So he reached for the blossom, held it up in front of his eyes and concentrated on it, telling himself again and again that it wasn't real, that it be real.
He felt movement next to himself but he didn't pay any attention to it, instead he kept concentrating on the little cherry blossom and waited for it to disappear.
"Oh, a cherry blossom?" Ohno said, carefully taking it from Nino.
Ohno smiled at the blossom and Nino was on the verge of losing his mind, he wanted to lose his mind, right here and right now, because he didn't think he had the strength to keep on fighting.
The cherry blossom was real.
Did that mean that Sayuri had been real, too?
Or was Ohno also part of the illusion? Had he sunk so deep into his own illusions that Ohno and Asami and Arashi had become part of them?
Nino buried his head in his hands and took a deep breath, a very deep breath.
And then he screamed as loudly as he could.
He didn't know how long he had screamed, he only knew that he was still sitting in bed and that his open mouth was pressed against his sweaty palms when he came back to himself. He could taste the salt on his lips and his hair was sticking to his neck.
Slowly Nino took his hands away from his face again and feebly let them drop into his lap. Ohno had put his arms around his shoulders in a protective embrace, tenderly holding him against his chest. When he had done this, Nino had no idea.
His throat hurt so badly that he didn't dare speak.
"Better now?" Ohno asked him cautiously. All Nino could do was shake his head.
"I'm here," Ohno said then and Nino stopped breathing momentarily.
"That's what she said, too," he whispered hoarsely.
"Sayuri?"
At the sound of her name, Nino's insides contracted painfully. Ohno seemed to notice, had to notice, Nino's shoulders had tensed so much.
"We don't have to talk about her. If it makes you feel better, we won't talk about her. Never again. You said she was gone. Don't let her come back, Nino. Don't ever let her come back."
"But you are still here." Nino's voice was nothing more than a whisper. It felt as if it would stay that way forever, as if his vocal cords could no longer bear the strain his body had been under for the last few days. Nino asked himself which part of his body would give in next and when it would finally be his mind's turn.
Then he remembered that his mind had bowed out a long time ago. That it had been the first to give up.
"And I'll stay with you. I won't leave. I won't disappear." Ohno tightened his hold on him.
"But she disappeared."
"Yes, she did. But I-do you think-I'm not an illusion, Nino. I’m here. I'm here with you." Ohno sounded surprised, but still incredibly strong. His words brought the stability Nino needed. But his doubts weren't dealt with that easily - the cherry blossom didn't disappear that easily.
"Why do you see it then?" Nino took the crushed cherry blossom from Ohno, held it up, examined it, rubbed his fingers over it, again and again. It felt so real. But everything else had also felt real and Nino knew that he couldn't keep judging things on that basis. He couldn't trust his senses anymore.
But what should he trust then? His mind?
Ohno?
"Why do you see it? Sayuri gave it to me last night. It belongs to her. But she doesn't exist so how can this cherry blossom exist?"
Carefully, Ohno took the blossom back from him. But he didn't say anything and doubts once again began assailing Nino. Again he saw her in front of him, Sayuri, in front of the airport, in a sea of cherry blossoms. All the cherry blossoms in her hair.
"She gave it to me because she wanted me to remember our goodbyes," Nino continued. The memory just needed to get out, it needed to be voiced so he could decide whether to believe it or not. "Before I flew to Chicago. We were standing outside and there were many cherry trees. She was smiling at me and she had a cherry blossom in her hair and I caught it and she kissed me. The memory is so real, when I close my eyes I can see her so very clearly. I can see everything, I remember how I felt when she kissed me, how the cherry blossoms smelled. All these memories, they are too vivid to be mere illusions."
He heard Ohno breathe deeply and calmly, comfortingly, but he would much rather see him right now, would much rather look him in the eyes to know how his words affected him. That's why Nino broke free from his embrace so he could look at him directly.
Ohno smiled. But his eyes were sad.
"It's cherry blossom time," he said, smiling even more. But the corners of his mouth were twitching treacherously and his eyes glistened.
"There are cherry trees everywhere, the blossom must have just been blown in here yesterday."
As if Ohno's words had shaken him awake, Nino suddenly remembered the moment Sayuri had put the blossom into his hand.
Remembered that it had been pink.
And that the blossom he had found in his hand this morning was white.
Sayuri was an illusion.
But Ohno wasn't.
"I think you should see something," Ohno said then and his voice was full of promises. Nino hoped he wouldn't be disappointed.
Almost two hours later they got off the train that had brought them to the edge of Tokyo. He couldn't remember ever having been here before. But Ohno led the way unerringly, he seemed to know exactly where he was going.
A few minutes later they reached a big, almost empty square. A dry fountain stood in the middle, giving the square a sad look despite the sunny, warm weather.
It took a moment for Nino to realize that they were surrounded by cherry trees.
Ohno reached for his hand, leading him to the edge of the square. The light-colored cobblestones were vaguely familiar to him.
"Two years ago I had a Drama shoot here," Ohno began. "It's almost two years to the day today that you came to visit me here."
Nino tried to remember, but although the square seemed familiar, he couldn't picture the scene. Sayuri was still dominating his thoughts. Every time he saw cherry blossoms fluttering down to them due to the light breeze, he saw her.
"We fought a lot back then. Because of your wedding. I thought it would be better to break up. I wanted to give you a chance to be happy with Sayuri." Ohno huffed. "I don't know how I could think like that. I've regretted it every day since."
Nino looked at him for the first time since they had arrived, forced himself to not look at the blossoms any longer.
"You came here to tell me what an idiot I was. And that you would never break up with me, that that was the only reason you went through with the wedding in the first place. So we could stay together." Now Ohno was smiling again, but it resembled the bitter smile from this morning when they had been sitting on Nino's bed.
"You told me you loved me for the first time here." Ohno's voice sounded higher than normal and Nino swallowed.
He kept simply staring at him.
He saw Sayuri in front of him, her smile, the cherry blossoms in her hair.
It had been here.
Nino noisily sucked in air as the realization struck him. He closed his eyes and concentrated on the memory.
It had been right here. The picture in his head came from here, the cherry trees, the sun, standing high up in the sky, shining down on them. He heard the fountain in the background, heard the cicadas buzzing, even though it was completely silent around them.
But it hadn't been Sayuri standing in front of him, smiling at him. It hadn't been her giggles he'd heard. Not her lips giving him a fleeting kiss.
Nino opened his eyes again and saw Ohno in front of him, surrounded by cherry blossoms, falling cherry blossoms.
And then he understood.
At the same time, his body understood and his heart started beating rapidly. Seeing Ohno brought it all back to him, all at once, and it was an emotional overload, it was all too much at once and he only wanted-
"Please just hold me," he blurted out. "Please hold me. And don't ever let go."
The closeness he felt again after that was exactly what he needed. The embrace reminded him of the embraces he had shared with Ohno a few days ago, that had felt so strange and wrong to him, because they were more than a friendly gesture.
Now it was familiar. Now it felt just right.
"It wasn't her. It was never her. It was always you," Nino mumbled into Ohno's shoulder. He felt Ohno nod, felt him hug him tighter and Nino understood. Ohno didn't need to say anything because Nino knew exactly what was going on inside of him. This knowledge, that had finally come back, together with everything he now felt brought so much reality with it. His feelings for Ohno were his reality. Now that he felt it, now that he could see the real picture, Ohno surrounded by cherry blossoms, he knew that he could trust his mind again. This was so much stronger, so much more powerful than any of the illusions he had lived through.
Now that the memories had returned to his head and the emotions to his heart, he had a very hard time letting go of Ohno at all. Nino needed a long time until he was ready to let go, but Ohno didn't seem to mind. And then, on the way home, they exchanged only a few words but a lot of gentle caresses.
"We should tell the others soon," Ohno mentioned in passing, three stops before they had to get off the train. Nino didn't need long to figure out what he meant.
"Arashi... you said we are on a break at the moment?"
"We didn't want to carry on without you."
Nino lowered his gaze. He knew that none of them wanted him to feel guilty, but he couldn't help but feel it anyway. A two-year break, only because he hadn't had enough control, because he hadn't been able to deal with the accident.
He tensed automatically. Now that he had calmed down, more and more was building up within him. The guilt that his mind had tried to hide from him these past two years.
He hadn't saved Sayuri. She would likely still be alive if he had helped her escape from the car.
"Can we-," he began, but he had to stop and swallow before he was able to continue.
"Can we visit the grave?"
Ohno reached for his hand and nodded.
The graveyard lay above the city, granting visitors a great view. There were no cherry trees here and Nino was glad. He didn't know if he could have borne it had her grave been covered in cherry blossoms.
He read her name a couple times when they stood in front of the high headstone. Ninomiya Sayuri. The memories of his wedding had almost faded, were so blurry that Nino had a hard time seeing them in their entirety. Everything that had been so clear, so vivid, was now nothing more than the last empty page of a book, blank, never meant to be part of the story.
"I never loved you, did I?" he breathed into the silence surrounding him, seemingly an integral part of the graveyard.
He remembered that she had started visiting him more often one day. In the beginning he had thought nothing of it, had enjoyed spending time with her, because they had talked about their childhood a lot, had reminisced together. But then her visits had grown more frequent, she had called him all the time, often turning up on his doorstep unannounced and he had had to say something.
"We are married, why can't we make the best of it?" she had asked and Nino had shaken his head. Because she knew, she had known about Ohno and him when they had struck their deal.
But it hadn't stopped her.
Nino remembered many fights, unending discussions, not only between Sayuri and him, but after a while also between him and Ohno. Nino felt the indecision in himself that had been his daily companion back then. He hadn't wanted to disappoint either of them, had only wanted what was best for them.
Then Sayuri had told him that she loved him and brought complete chaos into his life.
"I'm sorry." Nino pressed his lips together tightly, staring fixedly at the headstone, the beautiful, curly script of her name. Their shared name.
"I'm sorry that I didn't help you."
"Nino," Ohno said quietly. Nino looked at him and only then did he feel the tears that had gathered in his eyes and were about to spill.
"It wasn't your fault. You heard Asami-sensei. Please don't think it was your fault."
Nino wanted nothing more than to simply nod, to agree with Ohno, but he knew that it wasn't that simple. It would take time, a long time, until he would reach a point where he would stop feeling guilty for her death. A point where he could forgive himself.
But he knew that he would one day reach it.
It was already growing dark when they arrived to his apartment. Ohno had called the other band members and one after another they now showed up and asked how Nino was feeling. Exactly as they had done in the days before. Nino wanted to laugh and he almost did. He almost managed to clear the chasm that separated him from laughter. Soon he would once again be able to laugh and he knew that as soon as the first real smile sneaked its way onto his lips, things would look up.
Ohno was sitting next to him on the sofa, in the very spot his daughter's blue blanket had been lying on, and bestowed more warmth and comfort than the blanket ever had. His gentle touches made Nino feel safe and at home. His existence alone reminded Nino that life would go on and that Ohno would forever be his faithful companion.
"We talked to Johnny," Jun smiled as they were sitting together. "He gave us the green light. As soon as you feel up to it, we'll get a real job. Together. As Arashi."
Now that Nino had most of his memories back, now that he remembered all the time that had passed since he had last stood in front of a camera with Arashi, he noticed how much he missed exactly that. Arashi was a big part of his life, something that had always given him a certain level of security. It was time to allow this security back into his life. And that as soon as possible.
Jun's smile grew, Aiba bit down on his lower lip and Nino realized that he had spoken his thoughts out loud.
Ohno had put his arm around his waist, pulling him close, but he pulled a little too hard and Nino landed halfway in his lap. He didn't know who laughed first, he only knew that after a while they were all laughing together.
That he himself was also laughing.
That he had simply jumped across the chasm. Or maybe the chasm had simply vanished.
Ohno stayed. He stayed the next night, the next week, stayed by Nino's side without him having to ask because they both knew that it was what he should do. What they needed. Ohno held his hand as often as he could, whether at press conferences during which he spoke about what had happened for the first time or at night in bed when the thoughts and recriminations came back, when the guilt threatened to throttle Nino. He held his hand and helped Nino breathe.
The more time passed, the more memories came back to him. Nino enjoyed the memories of his time with Ohno, all the big and small moments they had shared. He savored every one of them, whether good or bad. Even their fights, even the days they had avoided each other, until one of them gave in and appeared on the other's doorstep. They felt real and reality was what Nino craved.
He had known enough false memories. Enough illusions.
"Where is the ship?" he asked one day when he stepped into Asami's office, even before saying hello to the doctor. Asami chuckled and pointed at a big bag standing next to Nino's chair.
"I decided to give it to you."
Surprised, Nino looked from the bag to his doctor and back.
“Take a look."
He opened the bag and took the ship-in-a-bottle out. The sand was gone, had made way for a blue ground that the ship was now glued to. It looked like the clumsy work of an amateur, but Nino could only look at the doctor, incredibly touched.
“Thanks. This is-thanks."
Asami only shook his head and grinned.
His visits to his doctor and psychologist had been the same for some weeks now. Nino would talk about the memories that had come back to him and Asami would help close some gaps in his recollection. Then they would talk about the medication Nino was taking. Finally Nino would ask when he could stop taking the drugs and Asami would tell him to wait a little longer.
But today Asami touched upon a new topic.
"Are you ready to remember the accident?"
Nino swallowed. It was a topic he tried to avoid as much as possible, because as soon as he tried to think about it, the headache was back. Nino thought it was an automatic survival instinct of his body, developed in order to protect him, perfected over the years in order to protect his mind. Like antibodies that were produced after an infection to make sure the illness didn't come back.
"Relax," Asami's voice reached him and it was only now that Nino noticed how badly his hands were shaking.
"We'll start slow. Very slow. You told me about the day you visited Ohno on set. Concentrate on the image of him and the cherry blossoms."
Nino nodded, remembered. It was easy, this was one of his favorite memories.
"And now go on. What did you tell him?" Asami asked softly.
Nino took a deep breath, closed his eyes and went back to this moment.
"I told him that I would talk to Sayuri one last time. That I would tell her I had chosen him. That I would never choose her," Nino said and saw himself say the words to Ohno. Saw the joy in Ohno's eyes.
"And then you drove to her place," Asami helped him along.
Nino nodded again, keeping his eyes closed. He felt something within him wanting to tense, but he continued taking deep breaths, refusing to allow it to happen.
"I picked her up. I did that a lot at the time, because her car had broken down. But I wanted to tell her that it would be the last time and that we shouldn't see each other as often anymore."
Nino saw her in front of his mind's eye, but it wasn't the Sayuri of his illusions, the false memories that had accompanied him for so long. It was a Sayuri with wrinkled brows, cold eyes in which the sadness she desperately tried to hide shone all too clearly.
It had always been only an idea he had loved. Never Sayuri herself.
"We need to talk," he heard himself say to her. "I want to stop this."
He spoke for a long time, but the only thing she said again and again was, "I'm your wife." As if that was the only argument she needed, as if a piece of paper with their signatures on it could destroy everything else.
They didn't even have rings. And should Nino ever wear a ring, he was sure the matching ring would grace Ohno's hand. Never Sayuri's.
"I love Ohno. Nothing will change that, no matter how long you wait. I only want to-" but he didn't get any further because Sayuri's loud, angry voice interrupted him.
"Don't start with this idiot, you can't always bring him into things! I'm your wife, damn it, we are married!" she yelled at him and Nino had trouble concentrating on the road. His gaze switched between Sayuri and the road and he hoped ardently that she would calm down.
"Sayuri, listen-"
“No! He said he'll give us a chance. Don't you know what that means? He doesn't want you anymore, now that you're married!"
His grip on the steering wheel tightened. Not because he believed Sayuri - because he had stopped doing so a long time ago -, but because he didn't want to allow anger to rise within him. Because he knew that Sayuri was innocent, that it wasn't her fault.
That she was just in love with him. That it was he himself. That he himself had brought her here.
"He doesn't love you! I love you." She reached for his arm, but whatever she meant to do, Nino didn't let her, he pushed her away.
"Sayuri! You know that's not true. Ohno and I, we-you can't break us up. I'm sorry, but you can't. I don't want you to wait for something that will never happen." But the words that were meant to calm her down had the opposite effect on her. Sayuri only screamed louder and Nino continued talking insistently. Their voices had long since become a mixture of desperation and pleading, when she leaned towards him again, reached for him, pulling on him.
Nino tried to reach for her hands, tried once again to calm her.
During this he knocked his elbow against the steering wheel.
It all happened too fast for him to react.
The car drifted off the road.
He only saw water coming towards him.
Sayuri screamed.
The windshield burst under the pressure of the water, which now struck them in the face. It smothered Sayuri's screams.
Then it grew calm, dark.
Nino didn't know how he got home that day, but an hour later he found himself sitting on his sofa. Ohno wasn't there yet.
It had happened because of him.
They had fought about Ohno and that's why they had drifted off the road. That's why Sayuri had been scared of him, that's why she never wanted him to bring Ohno over.
Nino closed his eyes and thought back to the accident again, saw everything that he had seen in Asami's office happening in front of his mind's eye again. But this time he didn't stop when they hit the water, this time he went on, thought about how he had managed to free himself.
Then he thought about how he had turned to Sayuri, how she had tried to unbuckle the seatbelt, how the seatbelt hadn't moved, how she had panicked, pulling on the seatbelt again and again. How she had looked at him. The cry for help that had silently escaped her mouth, but been written so glaringly obvious in her eyes.
Nino imagined that he helped her, that he saved her and that they reached the surface together.
His eyes were still closed as he abandoned himself to this image, this moment in which, for the first time, he didn't feel guilty.
Then he felt the sofa dip next to him and the smell of cherry blossoms enveloped him.
The End
Ending notes: So that's it. Sorry, I am a sucker of slightly open endings. I still hope this fic was something you could enjoy. While writing, I had a habit of listening to Breathless as there are some parts in that song which really fit. I put them on some images of Lotus (obviously because of the cherry blossoms 8D), so let me show you:
"I want to burn that smile of yours into my memory
Even if it's just an illusion
With memories full of cracks and scratches
I'm wandering until I reach the end of this sadness"