Hmmm.....
So, I kind of feel like a complete dick and a loser for the way I feel right now. My parents have custody of my kids because I have not been able to get completely back on my feet regarding living arrangements. Meaning that I have been unable to make enough money to afford to rent a house or apartment that has 3 Bedrooms. Well I have been paying Child support since the beginning, First to my ex wife (Drug addicted bitch) then to my parents. Well, my father decided he needed more money, primarily because my step mom is retiring. so they too me to child support enforcement and had my payments doubled. Now they are basically getting half of my take home pay. Well this is why I kinda feel like a dick and a loser. The money is for my kids which I can't afford to have myself and well now I am stuck in a situation where I can't afford to take care of my other responsibilities. I will barely be able to make rent and bills. this is without taking care of the cat that I have. Fortunately My Fiancee's mother is going to let us move in to her place and eventually have the kids there as well. I am upset because I will no longer be able to support myself. I won't be able to do anything at all extra curricular. Unresisting on PB&J sandwiches, Ramen and a few vegies and fruits where we can afford to fit them in. Yea, the other reason I feel like a dick and a loser is because today I definitely wish that I had died in that trench that my step father made me dig. The world in general wouldn't notice me missing. I wouldn't have b rought 2 lives into this world of suffering, and most likely there are 7 people out there who would have been better off never meeting me at all.
I have been having severe doubts about the existance of God, my life hasn't been very condusive to the possibility of a God. But you know what if there is a God out there it would be nice if he did one of two things. 1 give me a better life or 2 fucking end this one quickly.l