Moody Pisces Behavior
Been contemplative lately. Moody Pisces behavior, is all. Itemizing as usual, because my thoughts are too scattered to be written in a coherent way.
- I've fallen into the habit of reading fanfic again. Part of me thinks that I can write better, but that's unfounded and an unimportant detail. I'm positive that it's contributing to my sulkiness because they're all about long-time friendships and friends turned lovers. I don't think it's not so much that I want to be in a relationship with any of my friends, not like ~that, but I'm not sure if I have family outside of family the way some of these dumb characters do. I'm anxious I'll get outgrown. I'm scared I haven't put in enough effort to keep people and to get them to keep me. I think that if I die, I'll have plenty of mourners but none close enough to help organize the wake or comfort my family meaningfully (if they're still around to organize it). I keep thinking about how if I didn't have my parents or the Twins, I don't have any emergency contacts or anyone I'm comfortable burdening these things with. I know it's a bit unfair to think so little of my friends (to think that they wouldn't give me what I need when I need it, when I ask them to), but I'm also scared of sharing this as early as now and making them feel ~obligated to give me reassurance. In all fairness, I'm not sure if I'd told anyone I'd do this for them either (even if I'm sure I would). So why should I expect? Maybe this wave of neediness will pass when I finally see them again.
- I'm not good with anger. This isn't new, but I'm becoming increasingly aware how much I take after my dad in this aspect. It's not that we're incapable of understanding, but I find that instead of genuine patience, I've become more prone to holding off expressing my anger, quietly "processing" it internally while not really letting go of frustration. I'm more easily riled up but people wouldn't know that until I reach a breaking point. It's like I set aside the negativity somewhere in my brain but take it back out when I've had enough. Is bottling up one's anger a byproduct of growing older? Do we do this more because it looks childish to seem frustrated all the time but the frustration is there regardless? I feel like I was more honest before - feelings didn't pool within me, I let them out much more easily before in small waves. Again, is it just because I have no one to talk to these days?
- I'm falling into a fresh spell of listlessness at work. This is a recurring thing, so I don't put much stock into it and tend to view things much better in hindsight. There's a comfort in knowing that these phases usually pass. But of course, it sucks when I'm going thru it. And we never really know if this is finally the one that sticks and rots into something worse. But let's see - I have some company and the holidays to look forward to soon. Maybe a few career wins and extra money.
- Speaking of company, is there a term for wanting it but also wanting to be alone at the same time? Is that allowed? Is that healthy? Because that's kind of how I feel at the moment. I don't want to do anything, but it feels wasteful not to do anything. I don't know what to call it. It sucks. But maybe giving it a name might make it easier to process.
I think I had a lot more to say earlier, but the emotions kind of simmered down throughout the day. Good, that means that writing it down helped, right?