[ficlet] [pwp] [band!au!8059] those letters you write over and over, and throw away again and again
hello... i said i was going to write ryogoku but uhhh nonartisan's band!AU happened, so - blame her :D (is shot)
aggy asked for my thoughts on the 8059 in her verse, so... this is how i suppose band!AU hayato would attempt to write a letter to his band!AU boyfriend. canon gokudera would probably not sound like this, or even be this eloquent, but that's the beauty of AU, yeah? XD
gomen ne aggy - i'd be writing an emodera song instead, but i don't know how XD XD
those letters you write over and over, and throw away again and again
hey.
*crumple* *throw*
listen up, you idiot bastard asshole horny prick IF I SEE YOU FLIRTING WITH ROKUDOU MUKURO OR ANYONE ELSE AGAIN I WILL FUCKING END THIS. AND THEN I WILL FUCKING END YOU.
*crumple* *throw*
i'll just hand it to you straight.
i want things to change.
i know it's going to be pointless to talk to you in person about it, because our serious conversations always seem to go the wrong way. usually they end with you apologizing for something you're not even sure about, and i hate that and so do you, so i'm not going to subject either of us to it.
i don't even know what it is i want to change, exactly...
i'd like to say it's you being a slut a sex god with a guitar a horny prick so damned attractive, but that's really not something you can change. or apologize for.
and i hate it.
i hate the fact that i hate it.
i guess we're at that stage where i can't help but read too much into every single thing you do and say, to try and figure out if it has anything to do with me. or if it doesn't have anything to do with me. suddenly you're this enormous scary thing i can't stop looking at. you're new to me and dangerous and capable of hurting me in ways you probably aren't going to be aware of, ever.
and i want you all to myself.
i've never thanked you for anything. that's because i really don't have anything to thank you for. certainly not coming into my life. not messing everything up and messing me up and making me write letters for fuck's sake.
but there are things i want to say that i probably won't ever be able to tell you to your face, and you have to hear one way or another. i'm just going to keep writing and hope it's all going to make sense eventually.
should you somehow manage to barge in through the locked door and ask me what i'm doing, i'll just tell you i'm writing a new song and you're not allowed to see it until it's done. then you'll say okay and wander off and i'll drop this because my train of thought's been broken. then i have to find out where you're going, who you're off to see, why you're not taking me
*crumple* *throw*
listen.
before you came along i was fine. every shitty thing in the world happened to me and i just lived through it. i just fought back.
good things never happen to guys like me, who grow up building shells around themselves so hard everything just slides or bounces off, even things that crack bones or cut skin.
you broke me open and you broke me open.
now i can't stop thinking you're always around to rescue me, even if it isn't true. now i have to physically stop myself from doing crazy things because they're going to hurt you.
and now and then i think maybe i will do crazy things because i want you to save me again, to stop whatever it is you're doing or thinking about and look at me, notice me, worry about what the hell i'm thinking for once in your miserable life.
i want you all to myself.
at the same time, i want this to stop. we're never going to last. we're not compatible, we can't even talk, not about the things that are most important to keeping us together.
the things you don't tell me are killing me. and the things i don't tell you are going to kill us someday.
i'm more broken than you or anything like you can fix.
someday i'm going to get sick of you. we might even break up because i won't be able to stand your stupid smiling face anymore. for it is stupid, my friend, regardless of how many girls fall for it and how many guys think they want to have it - maybe because they think it'll enhance their guitar playing skills somehow, i don't know or care.
or we might break up because you can't stand me anymore... someday i'll be too judgmental or overbearing or jealous or godforsaken ugly and you're just going to tell me "this isn't going to work out." you're sorry, you'll say, it's all your fault, and then you'll get delilah and you'll walk out the door and we'll never want to see each other again.
i keep thinking about the many ways we can fall apart.
because i don't want to go back to being without you.
you're not perfect but you're much too good. nothing i do will ever make me worthy of this. i always have to think about how things can go wrong, how you may want to start looking elsewhere, how i'm going to mess this up. i'm never lucky for long and this is the luckiest i've ever been and it has to end sometime, right?
but i've never wanted anything more than for this thing we have to last. i can't trust myself to do what's right anymore. i don't want to fall so deep into this that i can't get out.
do something. tell me you're going to end it before it swallows us whole. tell me you want somebody else. it isn't fair.
*crumple* *throw*
aggy asked for my thoughts on the 8059 in her verse, so... this is how i suppose band!AU hayato would attempt to write a letter to his band!AU boyfriend. canon gokudera would probably not sound like this, or even be this eloquent, but that's the beauty of AU, yeah? XD
gomen ne aggy - i'd be writing an emodera song instead, but i don't know how XD XD
those letters you write over and over, and throw away again and again
hey.
*crumple* *throw*
listen up, you idiot bastard asshole horny prick IF I SEE YOU FLIRTING WITH ROKUDOU MUKURO OR ANYONE ELSE AGAIN I WILL FUCKING END THIS. AND THEN I WILL FUCKING END YOU.
*crumple* *throw*
i'll just hand it to you straight.
i want things to change.
i know it's going to be pointless to talk to you in person about it, because our serious conversations always seem to go the wrong way. usually they end with you apologizing for something you're not even sure about, and i hate that and so do you, so i'm not going to subject either of us to it.
i don't even know what it is i want to change, exactly...
i'd like to say it's you being a slut a sex god with a guitar a horny prick so damned attractive, but that's really not something you can change. or apologize for.
and i hate it.
i hate the fact that i hate it.
i guess we're at that stage where i can't help but read too much into every single thing you do and say, to try and figure out if it has anything to do with me. or if it doesn't have anything to do with me. suddenly you're this enormous scary thing i can't stop looking at. you're new to me and dangerous and capable of hurting me in ways you probably aren't going to be aware of, ever.
and i want you all to myself.
i've never thanked you for anything. that's because i really don't have anything to thank you for. certainly not coming into my life. not messing everything up and messing me up and making me write letters for fuck's sake.
but there are things i want to say that i probably won't ever be able to tell you to your face, and you have to hear one way or another. i'm just going to keep writing and hope it's all going to make sense eventually.
should you somehow manage to barge in through the locked door and ask me what i'm doing, i'll just tell you i'm writing a new song and you're not allowed to see it until it's done. then you'll say okay and wander off and i'll drop this because my train of thought's been broken. then i have to find out where you're going, who you're off to see, why you're not taking me
*crumple* *throw*
listen.
before you came along i was fine. every shitty thing in the world happened to me and i just lived through it. i just fought back.
good things never happen to guys like me, who grow up building shells around themselves so hard everything just slides or bounces off, even things that crack bones or cut skin.
you broke me open and you broke me open.
now i can't stop thinking you're always around to rescue me, even if it isn't true. now i have to physically stop myself from doing crazy things because they're going to hurt you.
and now and then i think maybe i will do crazy things because i want you to save me again, to stop whatever it is you're doing or thinking about and look at me, notice me, worry about what the hell i'm thinking for once in your miserable life.
i want you all to myself.
at the same time, i want this to stop. we're never going to last. we're not compatible, we can't even talk, not about the things that are most important to keeping us together.
the things you don't tell me are killing me. and the things i don't tell you are going to kill us someday.
i'm more broken than you or anything like you can fix.
someday i'm going to get sick of you. we might even break up because i won't be able to stand your stupid smiling face anymore. for it is stupid, my friend, regardless of how many girls fall for it and how many guys think they want to have it - maybe because they think it'll enhance their guitar playing skills somehow, i don't know or care.
or we might break up because you can't stand me anymore... someday i'll be too judgmental or overbearing or jealous or godforsaken ugly and you're just going to tell me "this isn't going to work out." you're sorry, you'll say, it's all your fault, and then you'll get delilah and you'll walk out the door and we'll never want to see each other again.
i keep thinking about the many ways we can fall apart.
because i don't want to go back to being without you.
you're not perfect but you're much too good. nothing i do will ever make me worthy of this. i always have to think about how things can go wrong, how you may want to start looking elsewhere, how i'm going to mess this up. i'm never lucky for long and this is the luckiest i've ever been and it has to end sometime, right?
but i've never wanted anything more than for this thing we have to last. i can't trust myself to do what's right anymore. i don't want to fall so deep into this that i can't get out.
do something. tell me you're going to end it before it swallows us whole. tell me you want somebody else. it isn't fair.
*crumple* *throw*