untitled sanayanayuki-ish drabble
done to pass the time and clear the sleepless brain.
with any luck, after this, i'll actually be able to accomplish something before 7 pm ^^v
****************
Snow came with winter, from as far back as he could remember. But not this year.
He had walked away from the others. The spacious waiting room had started to feel crowded, though it was only occupied by seven boys, including himself. He didn't even want to look into anyone else's face. He'd only see his own concern there, complicated by a mess of other feelings he himself could never stand to express.
He walked on, until he thought he had found a space large and dark enough to hold him. There, it was safe to think back... how did it come to this? How oblivious had he been?
There must have been times when it showed. He must have suffered somehow while he was watching. He thought he had always been watching. But if that was true, how could he not have even had an idea?
All his life he had known snow.
He was careless this year, and it was taken away from him.
He closed his eyes. He heard his name being called very softly, from somewhere not far away, but he didn't turn toward the familiar voice.
The new presence settled beside him. In the shadows, he was a shadow. He was still as his friend was still. Both stood leaning back against the same wall, silent as death.
At last Genichirou said, "How long are you going to stand there."
He couldn't help being surprised at how softly those words left his lips.
"Until you tell me to go away."
The shadow seldom spoke loudly. He seldom needed to.
He wanted Renji to get the hint and leave. He knew he didn't have to do anything. His silence alone would tell Renji that he was in no mood for company.
"Stop blaming yourself..."
He wanted to tell Renji to shut up, and maybe even go away, since that was on the table; nobody was blaming anybody.
"None of us knew. This might have been the first time this happened to him. It wasn't your fault."
Don't say that, he wanted to answer. You don't know him.
You never once thought you knew him better than you knew yourself.
He was never your first memory.
Whenever Renji moved, it was with a calculated grace. This was all it was, when he turned to his friend, this time.
"But then...nothing I could say could change things. You're going to keep blaming yourself, aren't you?"
Feeling no real anger, only cold, he wanted to answer, You were never there to keep him from hurting himself while learning how to ride his first bike. You never played tennis with him since you were little, you don't know how much better than yourself he could be, how the sport used to make his eyes light up like nothing else in the world did. You were never there to sit beside him while he cried childish tears over things neither of you could do anything about...
You're the stranger here. You don't know anything.
"...However. Seiichi would be standing here right now if our roles were reversed. He'd be saying the same thing."
Renji never made Genichirou uncomfortable...yet he always remained distant. There was the feeling that there were some things Renji would always keep secret from him -- that no matter how hard Genichirou searched, how badly he wanted, he would never know the person hiding behind those calm features, those closed eyes.
On his part, Genichirou never saw reason to reveal the self that he hid under the shade of the black visor.
There was no room to dance around each other now.
"I can't do anything about the guilt. I can only tell you...you're not the only one who feels like this."
Renji stepped up to him. And after a thoughtful, well-placed pause, wrapped his arms around his friend's shoulders and drew him into a loose embrace.
All it took was a few gentle moves, lighter than air. And it was like waking up to a sudden warmth. The first impulse was to push Renji away. His large, rough hands flew up to Renji's arms, his fingers touched the cloth protecting his friend's slender limbs.
But he could do little more than this.
He hates winter, he wanted to confess, as he closed his tired eyes again. He'll be lonely.
But no words came out.
It was just too sudden a way to realize he wasn't the only one the snow had been taken away from.
****************
edit: short rave about casshern. not very helpful, but at this point, anything about it intrigues me ^^ i should stalk this community more often...
also, have watched kill bill. and it's a DAMN GOOD MOVIE.
with any luck, after this, i'll actually be able to accomplish something before 7 pm ^^v
****************
Snow came with winter, from as far back as he could remember. But not this year.
He had walked away from the others. The spacious waiting room had started to feel crowded, though it was only occupied by seven boys, including himself. He didn't even want to look into anyone else's face. He'd only see his own concern there, complicated by a mess of other feelings he himself could never stand to express.
He walked on, until he thought he had found a space large and dark enough to hold him. There, it was safe to think back... how did it come to this? How oblivious had he been?
There must have been times when it showed. He must have suffered somehow while he was watching. He thought he had always been watching. But if that was true, how could he not have even had an idea?
All his life he had known snow.
He was careless this year, and it was taken away from him.
He closed his eyes. He heard his name being called very softly, from somewhere not far away, but he didn't turn toward the familiar voice.
The new presence settled beside him. In the shadows, he was a shadow. He was still as his friend was still. Both stood leaning back against the same wall, silent as death.
At last Genichirou said, "How long are you going to stand there."
He couldn't help being surprised at how softly those words left his lips.
"Until you tell me to go away."
The shadow seldom spoke loudly. He seldom needed to.
He wanted Renji to get the hint and leave. He knew he didn't have to do anything. His silence alone would tell Renji that he was in no mood for company.
"Stop blaming yourself..."
He wanted to tell Renji to shut up, and maybe even go away, since that was on the table; nobody was blaming anybody.
"None of us knew. This might have been the first time this happened to him. It wasn't your fault."
Don't say that, he wanted to answer. You don't know him.
You never once thought you knew him better than you knew yourself.
He was never your first memory.
Whenever Renji moved, it was with a calculated grace. This was all it was, when he turned to his friend, this time.
"But then...nothing I could say could change things. You're going to keep blaming yourself, aren't you?"
Feeling no real anger, only cold, he wanted to answer, You were never there to keep him from hurting himself while learning how to ride his first bike. You never played tennis with him since you were little, you don't know how much better than yourself he could be, how the sport used to make his eyes light up like nothing else in the world did. You were never there to sit beside him while he cried childish tears over things neither of you could do anything about...
You're the stranger here. You don't know anything.
"...However. Seiichi would be standing here right now if our roles were reversed. He'd be saying the same thing."
Renji never made Genichirou uncomfortable...yet he always remained distant. There was the feeling that there were some things Renji would always keep secret from him -- that no matter how hard Genichirou searched, how badly he wanted, he would never know the person hiding behind those calm features, those closed eyes.
On his part, Genichirou never saw reason to reveal the self that he hid under the shade of the black visor.
There was no room to dance around each other now.
"I can't do anything about the guilt. I can only tell you...you're not the only one who feels like this."
Renji stepped up to him. And after a thoughtful, well-placed pause, wrapped his arms around his friend's shoulders and drew him into a loose embrace.
All it took was a few gentle moves, lighter than air. And it was like waking up to a sudden warmth. The first impulse was to push Renji away. His large, rough hands flew up to Renji's arms, his fingers touched the cloth protecting his friend's slender limbs.
But he could do little more than this.
He hates winter, he wanted to confess, as he closed his tired eyes again. He'll be lonely.
But no words came out.
It was just too sudden a way to realize he wasn't the only one the snow had been taken away from.
****************
edit: short rave about casshern. not very helpful, but at this point, anything about it intrigues me ^^ i should stalk this community more often...
also, have watched kill bill. and it's a DAMN GOOD MOVIE.