[fic] "Overheard," kind-of YanaKiri, PG
happy birthday to konomi-sensei ^^ though this isn't much of a birthday gift, yeah...
badass!akaya rambling/POV. setting is akaya = 1st yr HS; all the other rikkai regulars = 2nd year HS. we're pretending they have the same lineup in high school, same officers etc. i haven't ficced in a while so i hope this doesn't suck (too much).
PS: 1) i love this song, and 2) lj hates the world today.
Overheard
by MorphailEffect
I'm sorry about the chair.
Happy now?
...Fine.
I'm sorry for Minagawa-san's car, too.
And Sugihara's fingers. And the rabbit hutches. And the shogi club's equipment. And my low grades. And my poor attendance in the tennis club. And those 30 people who died in the bus crash five hundred miles from here. And the state of the country's economy. What the hell do you want from me?
I already said it, can I go now?
...
Fine.
Let's talk.
...I'm not looking at you because I don't WANT to look at you.
You keep your eyes closed anyway. You could be not looking back at me while I'm looking at you, and that's fucking unfair.
I know it's got something to do with data stuff. I heard you trying to explain to Marui-sempai a while back. What's going on in your head doesn't show in your eyes. Right.
Not MY fault I overhear a lot of things. People don't tell me anything to my face. People go around thinking they know what's best for me and give me advice. Well, I don't need anything.
So I do something stupid like break a classroom chair, and people just up and think there's something wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me, dammit. I do stupid things for no reason! I'm a stupid kid! What's so hard to understand?
All the upperclassmen say it a lot.
I'm a stupid kid.
I know YOU don't. But you're different. Doesn't mean you KNOW me better than anyone else.
..."Well enough," eh?
I know you don't have all my data. And anyway, there are some things nobody knows. That's because I don't tell anybody.
I mean, who's there to tell? I don't have a lot of friends...and Jackal-sempai and Marui-sempai are good to me, but they think I'm a stupid kid too.
And some things just don't know how to come out, like... I don't know. Like it's the first time I feel some things and it's all wrong, but it still happens.
When I DON'T feel those things, I'm all numb. I may as well be walking around with that "selfless state" Sanada-sempai likes to make a big deal about. Being numb isn't the best feeling in the world. I'd rather not be numb, you know...
So I do things.
...Look, I already SAID I don't know, okay?! Why are you asking me to try and describe it? Is it just for your data again?
I don't need your help, but whatever.
I really don't know, it's a lot like the feeling you get when you get away with smoking a cigarette inside campus. Or tell everybody at home you're out late because of tennis practice, when you're just goofing off downtown. It's like getting away with spray-painting a bad word on the side of a building, or letting the air out of a stupid teacher's car tires, or breaking the fingers of someone who tried to throw a punch at you, whatever.
It's like being angry, except a lot...tighter. Inside. Leaves you tingling and leaves you wired. I KNOW angry, sometimes I think it's all I really know. But it isn't being angry that's making me do things, or maybe it's a little of that, but a bunch of other things too...
...No, I don't think you get it. I don't think you've ever felt like this. Or if you have, you've never showed it. You just stand there looking at me the way you've always looked at me.
But you know what? I catch you sometimes looking different, when you're not looking at me. Sometimes I see you smiling. And sometimes when Marui-sempai tells a joke, you laugh, even. When you're alone with Buchou and Fukubuchou, you're different, you're...relaxed. Or something. I don't know, it's just different...
You're different with other people. You're always the same with me.
And I don't think I like that...
You can find a way to rationalize everything I do. So analyze THAT, sempai. Everything I say or do just bounces off you. Why does it bother me you don't care?
...I was downtown a few days ago.
Yeah, before I did that to Minagawa-san's car.
I saw you with somebody. You and this somebody... were acting all comfy and stuff. I don't know who this somebody was, he was old -- I think he's even old enough to be a teacher. He looked good, he dressed good too. You kept making him laugh...
I know. It's none of my business. But --
But I was worried. You looked all right, but I thought, maybe you were in trouble. I didn't trust the guy. I didn't KNOW the guy.
So when you got into the car with him, I --
...
I wasn't sure it was you.
So I tried calling you at home. Third try, your sister picked up and said you weren't coming home that night...
She said you were over at a classmate's house, studying. She gave me the home number.
I dialed over and over but nobody was answering.
Next day I thought, okay. Okay. It's none of my business.
Couldn't help myself, though. Everytime I saw you, I wanted to walk up and ask you... it was tearing me up. Who WAS that person?
Then you came up to me and handed me a pile of papers you wanted me to bring to the club room. Maybe you don't want to hear this now. My mind went blank. I could've thrown the papers back in your face. Everything about me wanted to ask you right then and there, but I couldn't, and you looked at me the way you always looked at me, like nothing happened.
I --
I WAS going straight to the club room, but Minagawa-san's car was in my fucking way.
And a few nights later, I felt like going downtown again, and you were there again, with a different guy. A foreigner. I overheard some English words. He looked really impressed with you, he wouldn't take his eyes off your face.
He pushed you up against the wall and you --
...
How could you let him do that?
I was about to walk right up to you guys then and there and maybe say something like "Hi Joe, get your filthy paws off my sempai" but I couldn't have said that in English so maybe I would've just socked him one, or maybe I would've killed him.
Or maybe I would've killed you. I don't know.
I saw your face over his shoulder. And your eyes were half-open and your eyes focused on something at the far end of the sidewalk and then you smiled. When I saw that, I couldn't move.
I was standing where it was dark but if you'd looked a little further you could've seen me. I still think you could've seen me.
...
I don't hate you. I don't want to.
It's none of my business and I'm just a stupid kid. But I always thought you were someone I could look up to. It doesn't matter if anyone else knows, does it?
You were always the one who sat down with me and explained things. You were the one who made things make sense, and now you're the one thing in the world that doesn't make any sense at all, and nothing seems right anymore...
I'm either numb to it or angry or whatever, but I can't NOT pay attention.
How could you let him DO that?
Nobody should ever do that. Not to you.
All I can do on my end is bust up chairs and cars and rabbit hutches and people's fingers, because it's none of my business and you don't care. See, even while I'm telling you all this now, you're looking at me like that. Like I'm nothing...
Though I know I'm not "nothing" to you... just not what I wanted to be, I guess.
I heard you say it to Sanada-sempai once: "He's worth saving."
...
I'm sorry.
I'm so angry.
And I don't know why.
badass!akaya rambling/POV. setting is akaya = 1st yr HS; all the other rikkai regulars = 2nd year HS. we're pretending they have the same lineup in high school, same officers etc. i haven't ficced in a while so i hope this doesn't suck (too much).
PS: 1) i love this song, and 2) lj hates the world today.
Overheard
by MorphailEffect
I'm sorry about the chair.
Happy now?
...Fine.
I'm sorry for Minagawa-san's car, too.
And Sugihara's fingers. And the rabbit hutches. And the shogi club's equipment. And my low grades. And my poor attendance in the tennis club. And those 30 people who died in the bus crash five hundred miles from here. And the state of the country's economy. What the hell do you want from me?
I already said it, can I go now?
...
Fine.
Let's talk.
...I'm not looking at you because I don't WANT to look at you.
You keep your eyes closed anyway. You could be not looking back at me while I'm looking at you, and that's fucking unfair.
I know it's got something to do with data stuff. I heard you trying to explain to Marui-sempai a while back. What's going on in your head doesn't show in your eyes. Right.
Not MY fault I overhear a lot of things. People don't tell me anything to my face. People go around thinking they know what's best for me and give me advice. Well, I don't need anything.
So I do something stupid like break a classroom chair, and people just up and think there's something wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me, dammit. I do stupid things for no reason! I'm a stupid kid! What's so hard to understand?
All the upperclassmen say it a lot.
I'm a stupid kid.
I know YOU don't. But you're different. Doesn't mean you KNOW me better than anyone else.
..."Well enough," eh?
I know you don't have all my data. And anyway, there are some things nobody knows. That's because I don't tell anybody.
I mean, who's there to tell? I don't have a lot of friends...and Jackal-sempai and Marui-sempai are good to me, but they think I'm a stupid kid too.
And some things just don't know how to come out, like... I don't know. Like it's the first time I feel some things and it's all wrong, but it still happens.
When I DON'T feel those things, I'm all numb. I may as well be walking around with that "selfless state" Sanada-sempai likes to make a big deal about. Being numb isn't the best feeling in the world. I'd rather not be numb, you know...
So I do things.
...Look, I already SAID I don't know, okay?! Why are you asking me to try and describe it? Is it just for your data again?
I don't need your help, but whatever.
I really don't know, it's a lot like the feeling you get when you get away with smoking a cigarette inside campus. Or tell everybody at home you're out late because of tennis practice, when you're just goofing off downtown. It's like getting away with spray-painting a bad word on the side of a building, or letting the air out of a stupid teacher's car tires, or breaking the fingers of someone who tried to throw a punch at you, whatever.
It's like being angry, except a lot...tighter. Inside. Leaves you tingling and leaves you wired. I KNOW angry, sometimes I think it's all I really know. But it isn't being angry that's making me do things, or maybe it's a little of that, but a bunch of other things too...
...No, I don't think you get it. I don't think you've ever felt like this. Or if you have, you've never showed it. You just stand there looking at me the way you've always looked at me.
But you know what? I catch you sometimes looking different, when you're not looking at me. Sometimes I see you smiling. And sometimes when Marui-sempai tells a joke, you laugh, even. When you're alone with Buchou and Fukubuchou, you're different, you're...relaxed. Or something. I don't know, it's just different...
You're different with other people. You're always the same with me.
And I don't think I like that...
You can find a way to rationalize everything I do. So analyze THAT, sempai. Everything I say or do just bounces off you. Why does it bother me you don't care?
...I was downtown a few days ago.
Yeah, before I did that to Minagawa-san's car.
I saw you with somebody. You and this somebody... were acting all comfy and stuff. I don't know who this somebody was, he was old -- I think he's even old enough to be a teacher. He looked good, he dressed good too. You kept making him laugh...
I know. It's none of my business. But --
But I was worried. You looked all right, but I thought, maybe you were in trouble. I didn't trust the guy. I didn't KNOW the guy.
So when you got into the car with him, I --
...
I wasn't sure it was you.
So I tried calling you at home. Third try, your sister picked up and said you weren't coming home that night...
She said you were over at a classmate's house, studying. She gave me the home number.
I dialed over and over but nobody was answering.
Next day I thought, okay. Okay. It's none of my business.
Couldn't help myself, though. Everytime I saw you, I wanted to walk up and ask you... it was tearing me up. Who WAS that person?
Then you came up to me and handed me a pile of papers you wanted me to bring to the club room. Maybe you don't want to hear this now. My mind went blank. I could've thrown the papers back in your face. Everything about me wanted to ask you right then and there, but I couldn't, and you looked at me the way you always looked at me, like nothing happened.
I --
I WAS going straight to the club room, but Minagawa-san's car was in my fucking way.
And a few nights later, I felt like going downtown again, and you were there again, with a different guy. A foreigner. I overheard some English words. He looked really impressed with you, he wouldn't take his eyes off your face.
He pushed you up against the wall and you --
...
How could you let him do that?
I was about to walk right up to you guys then and there and maybe say something like "Hi Joe, get your filthy paws off my sempai" but I couldn't have said that in English so maybe I would've just socked him one, or maybe I would've killed him.
Or maybe I would've killed you. I don't know.
I saw your face over his shoulder. And your eyes were half-open and your eyes focused on something at the far end of the sidewalk and then you smiled. When I saw that, I couldn't move.
I was standing where it was dark but if you'd looked a little further you could've seen me. I still think you could've seen me.
...
I don't hate you. I don't want to.
It's none of my business and I'm just a stupid kid. But I always thought you were someone I could look up to. It doesn't matter if anyone else knows, does it?
You were always the one who sat down with me and explained things. You were the one who made things make sense, and now you're the one thing in the world that doesn't make any sense at all, and nothing seems right anymore...
I'm either numb to it or angry or whatever, but I can't NOT pay attention.
How could you let him DO that?
Nobody should ever do that. Not to you.
All I can do on my end is bust up chairs and cars and rabbit hutches and people's fingers, because it's none of my business and you don't care. See, even while I'm telling you all this now, you're looking at me like that. Like I'm nothing...
Though I know I'm not "nothing" to you... just not what I wanted to be, I guess.
I heard you say it to Sanada-sempai once: "He's worth saving."
...
I'm sorry.
I'm so angry.
And I don't know why.