(( wasted thoughts of you ))
someone help me.....i'm fading faster.....
it's so hard sometimes to do what you know you should. i have finally severed my ties to jonathan although it kills me to do so. i don't know if i can do this. all i keep thinking of is the good times, how i had someone who told me i was beautiful. someone who thought i was imortant. the only one who thought i was imortant. and then i sink even farther into depression. i need support but i have no where to get it from. i'm running on what little strength i have left. but i'm afraidit will run out and there will be no one there to help me. today i spoke with him and all he had to say to me is what a terrible person i am. that's not what upset me though. after i thought about it i realized that he is right. and that's what kills me. i've never really seen it before. i'm not sure what to do..........
i actually did love this person. and now i'm being told that i am worthless to them and they would like it if i would die. trust me sometimes i would too. so now everytime i think of him all i see is a lie. just another lie to add to the collection. they build up so quickly. i suppose i deserve this. i've used him for a while now and i guess this is my payback. but then i remember that i used him because he treated me as if i was nothing while telling me i matter. that didn't work now did it. i don't know what to do or how to deal with this. i thought i could handle it at first, but then the reality of it hit me and i am almost catatonic. just moving hurts. i want to lay down and not get up. i need to get away. but there's no where to go. maybe he's right. maybe i am just a lost cause for anyone......
but then i think about what he said. i will not be told what to do. i can think for myself and i intend on doing just that. i wish someone would understand. it's so hard to keep my head up through all of this. maybe i shouldn't. it doesn't help at all that i've hit a down phase either. everything falls apart at once. i need something. i don't know what. but i can feel an empty space.
"He'll never change he's just not there
He'll never say you're beautiful"