Drinking
I feel so fucking lonely and sad.
On rare occasions lately I can find hope and love, but those moments are fleeting. Soon replaced by anxiety and my throat seizing up, sticky and swollen with all the blood my heart beats and tears that I haven't shed yet.
I want to feel loved. I want to love myself and to feel loved by someone else. Some days I feel whole and happy, albeit lonely and disconnected, but lately I just feel beyond alone. Who wants to hang out with someone who is miserable and sad? No one. I definitely don't.
I don't think I'll ever have a level of contentedness that makes sense, that is desirable... I want to be one of those people who feels good most of the time, but I am not.
Been thinking about death and killing myself a lot lately. I don't have the balls and I don't think that's actually what I want just yet. Maybe it is. I don't think I could do it, regardless.