in the cold light of morning.
I'm in trouble. Actually, I'm not. Aside from Lucius glaring at me from being hesitant, I did everything I was supposed to. People are pleased with how I did. But...that woman. It was only a brief moment of helping someone out, but she was there. They're mudbloods, bloodtraitors, sure, but they're people. And I shouldn't be...I swore...I...this is wrong. I still believe in the cause, the idea, all of that, I still think our point is right; our culture is being weakened and so on. But why do we have to kill people? Why do we have to hurt people?
Well, I...I need help. I don't want to be a traitor, I don't want to betray them. They're my friends. But I don't want to be a part of all this horror, of all this violence. Nobody should be killing anyone. Can't we just talk about this? But I don't want to kill anyone. Fine, they can do what ever they like, I'll cover for them, whatever, but I don't want anymore part in this violence. I don't want to go to Azkaban if this goes wrong.
What do I do? Do I pretend like nothing happens? Like I didn't come in to work this morning to the faces of two guys I helped kill last night? I'm not sure I can anymore. I'm not sure I can do this, and what should I do? Who can I talk to? How can I make sure that I'm not put in this position again. How can I make this right? Can I make it right? Just for that woman. The one I helped. I must have killed her...brother? boyfriend? Husband? Oh lord, don't let it be her husband. I need to make this right. I also need to find a way of doing this without being killed or caught or being a traitor.
Luckily, I work in a hospital. I could probably use it for anonymous paperwork. Maybe I should go and try to talk to someone. Not law enforcement, as that'd definately land me in trouble. But...hm. From what I've heard from Lucius... he'd be the most reasonable, wouldn't he? A lot of the others'd kill me on the spot. They're a scary bunch, actually. I want someone who'll listen. Give me a chance.
I'll do it. I'm sick of this. I'm in too deep and it needs to stop. Before I drown. Or I get killed, or I end up in Azakaban.
Headmaster,
I could be mistaken in writing this to you. If I am, please, do me a massive favour and pretend I never did. Burn it and forget this ever happened. I'm running a massive risk in even thinking of writing this letter, so I don't please.
I work in St Mungos, and please, do not immediately judge me for this, but hear me out. I'm a Death Eater. I've never killed anyone, and partly why I'm writing this is because I don't intend to. Normally, I heal wounds that could not be taken to a hospital, and, to my shame, use my position to cover up the crimes of others. I am afraid that I will be forced into a position where I have to do things which I find morally unacceptable. I want help. I realise that this is not something I should expect, or treat lightly, I just am at a loss what to do.
I have to be extremely careful, as if any of this correspondence is even suspected by others, I will be dead. There is no question about that. I want to correct some of the wrongs I have participated in, but I cannot seperate myself from where I am at the moment. That is incredibly difficult, if not entirely suicidal.
I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for. Some advice, or some answers, or a possibility of coming to some kind of agreement. Maybe just someone who can help me work out what to do. I'm sorry if I've wasted your time. If you do want to reply, send something back via this owl. It's my owl at work, and nobody has access apart from me, as I'm the senior healer in my department. It's far safer than my own personal owl, trust me.
Thank you.
It sounds like you had a hard time of it last night. Who needs me? For what?
I hate my job sometimes.