Some ranting and fears--or some fears and ranting
What prompted this post is my therapist suggesting EMDR to deal with some traumatic memories. She explained the procedure and asked me to think about it -- and to be prepared to talk about my fears.
What do I fear? I fear it not working, I fear it not working because: the procedure doesn't work, or it simply won't work on me; I fear that whether it works or not I will have trouble dealing with the feelings brought up; I fear it not working because it is not the traumatic experiences that are limiting me-- it is that I am weak and selfish.
Nice therapist said that I have managed to cobble together a 'functional' life, but that doing so -- keeping all these memories under wraps so I can project the persona of a 'normal' person -- is sapping all my energy. I explained this to my husband and he sat as if hit between the eyes with a hammer, then face-palmed. "Why didn't I see that?" he asked -- it made so much sense to him. His perception was that when we first met, some 20 years ago, I had more energy, but I was also (in his loving words) 'batshit crazy'. I see that too. I used to have fearsome attacks of rage, that led to screaming, breaking things, self-destructive behaviors. I have learned to NOT have those, but it has also led to a general deadening of feeling.
I have been to other therapists and psychiatrists over the years. The psychiatrists prescribed pills and told me to get therapy. The therapists concentrated on behaviors. The unspoken message I received was that my pain and fear didn't matter, my feelings didn't matter, all that was important is how I behaved. So I learned to behave 'better'--but it has put me on the road to becoming a robot. All of my feelings are deadening. I fulfill my responsibilities, I go to work, I tend the house, but I have no energy to do anything else. No energy for myself, for creativity, for relationships, for growth. Now that it has been pointed out to me, this PISSES ME OFF!!
Why did I accept this for so long? I accepted it because that was the message I was given while growing up: 'feelings don't matter--be quiet' so of course therapists would say the same thing.
So, in spite of the fears, I feel I should do this. I want to have function and feeling. I want to have self-control and energy. Is this too much to ask?
What do I fear? I fear it not working, I fear it not working because: the procedure doesn't work, or it simply won't work on me; I fear that whether it works or not I will have trouble dealing with the feelings brought up; I fear it not working because it is not the traumatic experiences that are limiting me-- it is that I am weak and selfish.
Nice therapist said that I have managed to cobble together a 'functional' life, but that doing so -- keeping all these memories under wraps so I can project the persona of a 'normal' person -- is sapping all my energy. I explained this to my husband and he sat as if hit between the eyes with a hammer, then face-palmed. "Why didn't I see that?" he asked -- it made so much sense to him. His perception was that when we first met, some 20 years ago, I had more energy, but I was also (in his loving words) 'batshit crazy'. I see that too. I used to have fearsome attacks of rage, that led to screaming, breaking things, self-destructive behaviors. I have learned to NOT have those, but it has also led to a general deadening of feeling.
I have been to other therapists and psychiatrists over the years. The psychiatrists prescribed pills and told me to get therapy. The therapists concentrated on behaviors. The unspoken message I received was that my pain and fear didn't matter, my feelings didn't matter, all that was important is how I behaved. So I learned to behave 'better'--but it has put me on the road to becoming a robot. All of my feelings are deadening. I fulfill my responsibilities, I go to work, I tend the house, but I have no energy to do anything else. No energy for myself, for creativity, for relationships, for growth. Now that it has been pointed out to me, this PISSES ME OFF!!
Why did I accept this for so long? I accepted it because that was the message I was given while growing up: 'feelings don't matter--be quiet' so of course therapists would say the same thing.
So, in spite of the fears, I feel I should do this. I want to have function and feeling. I want to have self-control and energy. Is this too much to ask?