it's brittany...bitch
Tonight was the Britney Spears episode of Glee. I have been looking forward to this basically since it was announced way back in…well, um. I don’t actually know. Regardless, let’s just say that I’ve been excited for a pretty long time. I guess then, it was inevitable that I ended up more than a little disappointed.
Here’s the thing: not only was the plot of this episode based on a rather shaky premise to begin with, it also had far too much of it. I know that’s kind of a ridiculous comment to make seeing as how the rest of the internet is probably bitching about how it had no storyline, but I’m sorry, that’s just how I feel. They put so little effort into it to begin with, that I can't understand why they even bothered. Power of Madonna was creative, at least. This was not, at all. Besides, Fox had been advertising Brittany/Britney as the “Heather Morris is sexy as fuck when she dances, please come and watch her do nothing but that” hour and goddammit, that is all I WANTED.
To be fair, they did kind of deliver on that promise in the first fifteen minutes or so. “Slave 4 U” was given to us more or less right off the bat. And wow, was that ever one hell of a performance. I am terrified of snakes, ok? To the degree that they give me nightmares from which I wake up in a cold sweat. It is a testament to the sheer hotness of HeMo that I barely even noticed the snake’s presence. I’ve said it before, and God knows I will say it again, but the girl can move. My jaw was on the floor the entire time I was watching. I couldn’t even string together a sentence for my roommate when she asked me a question. I was literally incoherent for a couple of seconds. And I barely had any to recover either, seeing as how we then cut almost immediately to “Me Against the Music”, which was just…asdaflpgmclpgagniotjrkptflcpaG
No, seriously. I have been listening to this song on repeat ALL WEEK. My love for it only intensified after seeing those clips floating around online. Imean, I know the arrangement is far too close to the original, but let's be honest…that does not matter in the least. HeMo and Naya owned the SHIT outta this performance. It was everything I dreamed it would be and MORE. By far the hottest number Glee has ever done, and easily my favorite of the episode (the season too, for that matter). Plus, Heather’s voice just has this really low, gritty quality to it that is very attractive. Then of course, there’s Naya who…well, I mean, she’s Naya. That woman can do no wrong in my eyes. Her voice is my favorite after Lea Michele’s (as far as the girls are concerned, at least). Also? My Glee ot3 is no longer Rachel/Puck/Quinn. They’ve been replaced by Brittany/wall/Santana, as well as Santana/cane/Brittany.
After that though, the episode pretty much fell apart for me. Brittany just kind of disappeared from that point on, save for hysterical one-liners (no really, her and Santana were KILLING me tonight). And the less said about “…Baby One More Time”, the better. Lea looked absolutely fantastic, but for the love of EVERYTHING, EVER can we please not have her sing in that key anymore? She has a positively stunning voice when she’s allowed to perform as herself, but when trying to emulate Britney Spears? The results are not so pretty. Someone over at gleeclub mentioned that this would have made an awesome cheerios number, and holy mother do I ever agree. Heather Morris should have been involved in all the numbers in some capacity, and to have her do this with Quinn & Santana? SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED. My feelings about “Stronger” are pretty similar.
It’s not that Kevin didn’t sound good in this performance, because he did. Great, in fact. But for me, the best part of the number was how Finn and Puck served as backup dancers who were soon joied by the rest of the team (I need more dancing football players in my life). It’s just…I’m sorry, but in the context of the show it makes Artie come across as kind of a bitch. Tina had a legit reason for breaking up with him, instead of fantasizing about telling her off, he ought to have been thinking of a beautiful way to serenade her back into his arms. This is a song that I know a fair amount of fans - myself definitely included - believed would have been better as a solo for Quinn. I know that Dianna Agron isn’t the best singer in the cast, but Britney Spears is easily within her range. She did, after all, ace “Papa Don’t Preach” (which…is Madonna, I know, but my point stands). And I mean, the lyrics just fit her character perfectly.
Let’s not forget about the atrocity that was “Toxic”. The cover itself has to be one of the best Glee has ever done, in my opinion. Very slow, and sultry, and dead sexy. The performance could have, and should have been EPIC. A sex riot, however? Initiated by Jewfro? Who was basically masturbating throughout the whole number? Such a motherfucking FAIL. (His entire presence in this episode was so gross and unnecessary. Save for the whole “I WILL KILL MY PARENTS, AND GIVE YOU MY HOUSE” line). Who ever came up with that idea needs to be fired like, yesterday. Do you know how much of Mike Chang grinding his hips we missed because they kept cutting to the audience? TOO MUCH. Why must you hurt me so, Ryan Murphy? What have I EVER done to you, I ask? And god, don’t even get me started on Will. No, actually do. Yes, let’s talk about that.
I hate Will with the passion of a thousand burning suns. And this episode only reinforced my feelings. Not letting the club perform Britney Spears because he has a personal vendetta against her? Such a dick move. Kurt was my damn hero tonight, very much the voice of reason. Not only did he stan for Brit proudly, but the passion with which he stood upto Will almost had me applauding. It makes me so angry that Will finally caves to their pleading, only instead of allowing the kids to perform happily on their own, he decides to join them. And take the male lead (yes, I’m ignoring the fact that Matthew Morrison sounds beyond unftastic in the actual song). That’s completely appropriate Will, sure. Except not. Take your douchey, condescending, constantly in a mid-life crisis ass, and gtfo. Carl, on the other hand, needs to stay forever. NO, SERIOUSLY. HE CAN TOTALLY DRILL ME WHENEVER HE WANTS. He’s great with Emma, hilariously chill, and does not possess an iota of the holier than thou attitude Will is always flaunting.
You know what else really bothered me? Finn/Rachel. They so very clearly bring out the worst in each other. Finn, especially. He’s such a jackass around her. Yes, Rachel was being selfish. I am never going to deny her flaws. The difference is, she never tries to intentionally hurt Finn. And that’s pretty important. In fact, I think it makes sense that she’s relieved that he was off the football team. Finn spent the entirety of season one choosing his social status before her. Of course she’s worried. You know what, though? She also apologized for trying to make him choose between herself and football. We never see Finn saying he’s sorry for not defending Rachel when Santana publicly disses her. I mean, he actually laughed at that too. It’s such bullshit. I’ll be honest though, I can’t hate on them completely. After all, Finn/Rachel is the only way we ever get Rachel/Quinn.
Seriously, I would sell my soul to be able to see the scene where Rachel approaches Quinn for help. How in the hell did she ever talk into this? It obviously hurt Quinn to have to put herself out there for Finn to reject, but she did so anyway. What did Rachel say? This is just like the time the writers mentioned how Rachel cleaned slushie out of Quinn’s hair, yet they didn’t show us. Just because Quinn’s motto is “it’s all about the teasing, and not about the pleasing” does not mean yours has to be too, Glee. I would gladly trade every single romantic ship on the show just to see a friendship develop between these two girls. I want it more than anything. And…I’ve just realized this post is far too negative. I didn’t love the episode, but I didn’t hate it either. So here, have some positivity. What I loved:
Here’s the thing: not only was the plot of this episode based on a rather shaky premise to begin with, it also had far too much of it. I know that’s kind of a ridiculous comment to make seeing as how the rest of the internet is probably bitching about how it had no storyline, but I’m sorry, that’s just how I feel. They put so little effort into it to begin with, that I can't understand why they even bothered. Power of Madonna was creative, at least. This was not, at all. Besides, Fox had been advertising Brittany/Britney as the “Heather Morris is sexy as fuck when she dances, please come and watch her do nothing but that” hour and goddammit, that is all I WANTED.
To be fair, they did kind of deliver on that promise in the first fifteen minutes or so. “Slave 4 U” was given to us more or less right off the bat. And wow, was that ever one hell of a performance. I am terrified of snakes, ok? To the degree that they give me nightmares from which I wake up in a cold sweat. It is a testament to the sheer hotness of HeMo that I barely even noticed the snake’s presence. I’ve said it before, and God knows I will say it again, but the girl can move. My jaw was on the floor the entire time I was watching. I couldn’t even string together a sentence for my roommate when she asked me a question. I was literally incoherent for a couple of seconds. And I barely had any to recover either, seeing as how we then cut almost immediately to “Me Against the Music”, which was just…asdaflpgmclpgagniotjrkptflcpaG
No, seriously. I have been listening to this song on repeat ALL WEEK. My love for it only intensified after seeing those clips floating around online. Imean, I know the arrangement is far too close to the original, but let's be honest…that does not matter in the least. HeMo and Naya owned the SHIT outta this performance. It was everything I dreamed it would be and MORE. By far the hottest number Glee has ever done, and easily my favorite of the episode (the season too, for that matter). Plus, Heather’s voice just has this really low, gritty quality to it that is very attractive. Then of course, there’s Naya who…well, I mean, she’s Naya. That woman can do no wrong in my eyes. Her voice is my favorite after Lea Michele’s (as far as the girls are concerned, at least). Also? My Glee ot3 is no longer Rachel/Puck/Quinn. They’ve been replaced by Brittany/wall/Santana, as well as Santana/cane/Brittany.
After that though, the episode pretty much fell apart for me. Brittany just kind of disappeared from that point on, save for hysterical one-liners (no really, her and Santana were KILLING me tonight). And the less said about “…Baby One More Time”, the better. Lea looked absolutely fantastic, but for the love of EVERYTHING, EVER can we please not have her sing in that key anymore? She has a positively stunning voice when she’s allowed to perform as herself, but when trying to emulate Britney Spears? The results are not so pretty. Someone over at gleeclub mentioned that this would have made an awesome cheerios number, and holy mother do I ever agree. Heather Morris should have been involved in all the numbers in some capacity, and to have her do this with Quinn & Santana? SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED. My feelings about “Stronger” are pretty similar.
It’s not that Kevin didn’t sound good in this performance, because he did. Great, in fact. But for me, the best part of the number was how Finn and Puck served as backup dancers who were soon joied by the rest of the team (I need more dancing football players in my life). It’s just…I’m sorry, but in the context of the show it makes Artie come across as kind of a bitch. Tina had a legit reason for breaking up with him, instead of fantasizing about telling her off, he ought to have been thinking of a beautiful way to serenade her back into his arms. This is a song that I know a fair amount of fans - myself definitely included - believed would have been better as a solo for Quinn. I know that Dianna Agron isn’t the best singer in the cast, but Britney Spears is easily within her range. She did, after all, ace “Papa Don’t Preach” (which…is Madonna, I know, but my point stands). And I mean, the lyrics just fit her character perfectly.
Let’s not forget about the atrocity that was “Toxic”. The cover itself has to be one of the best Glee has ever done, in my opinion. Very slow, and sultry, and dead sexy. The performance could have, and should have been EPIC. A sex riot, however? Initiated by Jewfro? Who was basically masturbating throughout the whole number? Such a motherfucking FAIL. (His entire presence in this episode was so gross and unnecessary. Save for the whole “I WILL KILL MY PARENTS, AND GIVE YOU MY HOUSE” line). Who ever came up with that idea needs to be fired like, yesterday. Do you know how much of Mike Chang grinding his hips we missed because they kept cutting to the audience? TOO MUCH. Why must you hurt me so, Ryan Murphy? What have I EVER done to you, I ask? And god, don’t even get me started on Will. No, actually do. Yes, let’s talk about that.
I hate Will with the passion of a thousand burning suns. And this episode only reinforced my feelings. Not letting the club perform Britney Spears because he has a personal vendetta against her? Such a dick move. Kurt was my damn hero tonight, very much the voice of reason. Not only did he stan for Brit proudly, but the passion with which he stood upto Will almost had me applauding. It makes me so angry that Will finally caves to their pleading, only instead of allowing the kids to perform happily on their own, he decides to join them. And take the male lead (yes, I’m ignoring the fact that Matthew Morrison sounds beyond unftastic in the actual song). That’s completely appropriate Will, sure. Except not. Take your douchey, condescending, constantly in a mid-life crisis ass, and gtfo. Carl, on the other hand, needs to stay forever. NO, SERIOUSLY. HE CAN TOTALLY DRILL ME WHENEVER HE WANTS. He’s great with Emma, hilariously chill, and does not possess an iota of the holier than thou attitude Will is always flaunting.
You know what else really bothered me? Finn/Rachel. They so very clearly bring out the worst in each other. Finn, especially. He’s such a jackass around her. Yes, Rachel was being selfish. I am never going to deny her flaws. The difference is, she never tries to intentionally hurt Finn. And that’s pretty important. In fact, I think it makes sense that she’s relieved that he was off the football team. Finn spent the entirety of season one choosing his social status before her. Of course she’s worried. You know what, though? She also apologized for trying to make him choose between herself and football. We never see Finn saying he’s sorry for not defending Rachel when Santana publicly disses her. I mean, he actually laughed at that too. It’s such bullshit. I’ll be honest though, I can’t hate on them completely. After all, Finn/Rachel is the only way we ever get Rachel/Quinn.
Seriously, I would sell my soul to be able to see the scene where Rachel approaches Quinn for help. How in the hell did she ever talk into this? It obviously hurt Quinn to have to put herself out there for Finn to reject, but she did so anyway. What did Rachel say? This is just like the time the writers mentioned how Rachel cleaned slushie out of Quinn’s hair, yet they didn’t show us. Just because Quinn’s motto is “it’s all about the teasing, and not about the pleasing” does not mean yours has to be too, Glee. I would gladly trade every single romantic ship on the show just to see a friendship develop between these two girls. I want it more than anything. And…I’ve just realized this post is far too negative. I didn’t love the episode, but I didn’t hate it either. So here, have some positivity. What I loved:
- Santana’s “Well Rachel, congratulations. Normally you dress like the fantasy of a perverted Japanese businessman with a very dark, specific fetish, but I actually like this look. *claps* yaaay"
- A+ reference to the fact that it doesn’t actually make sense for Brittany and Santana to have shared a fantasy. The moral the writers are clearly trying to get across here is, we’re not actually supposed to think about it.
- Brittany’s one liners, the best of which were, in my opinion:
- "Please don’t pull out all my teeth. When I smile, I’ll look like an adult baby, but with boobs."
- "I am more talented than all of you, I see that clearly now." (HeMo's delivery here is PERFECT. I DIED)
- BRITTANY SUSAN PIERCE = BRITTANY S. PIERCE = BRITTANY SPEARS. Oh my god, I think I died laughing at her entire speech there. And the bonus Quinn reaction shots we’ve been getting lately in response to Britt’s inane comments have just been GOLD