i am surrounded by idiots
1. What was your family like?
My family requires more explanation than I care to take the time to explain. We loved each other, I suppose, in our ways. Difficult as some of my siblings may find that to believe. I have never been so emotional as Turco or Carnistir. But I cared about my brothers, yes. Of course I had favorites. But doesn't everyone?
2. Who was your father, and what was he like?
My father...how does one describe my father? He was a great Elf, perhaps the greatest that has ever been. I know many disapproved of his ways, or hated him, ever - he and Carnistir were never on the best of terms - but I loved him well, and learned most of the things I know at his hands. He shaped me, I believe, as he would have shaped all my brothers had they given the chance. But they have always been too foolish and reckless to consider the long term.
3. Who was your mother, and what was she like?
On the other hand, my mother and I were never close. As the fourth of their children, it was the last days of their happiness and when Ata claimed me for his own my mother relinquished control of my education gladly. My memories of her are fuzzy and vague as none of my memories of Ata are. I do get my quiet from her, though, or so I am told, and my voice. In brief, though - I am sure she loved me, but I feel little for her, as cold as it may sound. Excessive feeling has always been the province of my brothers, though, and I live better than they without it.
4. What was your parents marriage like? Were they married? Did they remain married?
I have heard that my parents were well in love when they met and were mated, but I never saw it. The divisions between them had grown deep. My father was, perhaps, a difficult man for a woman to love, and maybe I can appreciate this, but I suppose I thought less of her for not trying. I have never been much of one for women, though - I have little patience for their caprices and - like my brothers - emotions that seem to remove the existence of their brain.
5. What were your siblings names? What were they like?
Maedhros was the eldest. We didn't speak much - I suppose he thought me careless, or else was too often distracted by his own overwhelming sense of duty and responsibility. Maedhros wanted to do everything himself. If he could have learned to delegate, he might have been a stronger leader. Makalaure was the dreamer, but at least he thought about things, looked before he leapt. I appreciated that, if not his tendency toward melancholy. Then there was Turco. Turco has been my favorite brother, largely because I can talk him into nearly anything. I know that must sound terribly callous and selfish, and I grant you the latter, but if it weren't for me Turco would never have gotten anywhere. Easily distracted and dense thing that he is, he needs a strong influence and guiding hand, and I can provide that - and get his aid in my own purposes. I may have my father's charisma, but something about Turco's passion is infectious. And Caranthir, my younger brother - I do not think we will ever get along. He has all of Turco's temper and none of his - well, gullibility. He is too headstrong and wild for me to guide him the proper way. Perhaps I have too much of our father in me for him. And finally, the twins, who I never really got to know - I suppose I can tell them apart, if I try, but it's not something I tend to think about. Easier to think of them as one person.
6. What's the worst thing one of your siblings ever did to you? What's the worst thing you've done to one of your siblings?
I am fairly sure that my siblings would have a long list of the wrongs I have done them - excepting Turco. Turco, I do not think would ever think ill of me. It is one of his charms, perhaps. I can't recall any particular wrongs done me, though I'm sure Carnistir has broken things of mine in a temper - as he has everyone's, I think. But that is another matter.
7. When's the last time you saw any member of your family? Where are they now?
Scattered. I don't know, in all honesty - they might be anwhere, for all I know and perhaps for all I care. This limbo is curious enough; dull, certainly, but also painless, and there seems to be little to be done. I suffer from an increasing sense of apathy. Little has, perhaps, ever really mattered to me in a significant way - not the way things have to others of my siblings. It has only worsened with the years, and even more with my death, no matter how temporary.
8. Did you ever meet any other family members? Who were they? What did you think of them?
My family is too large to summarize, so I will be brief - the Finarfinians and I never got along, most especially she known as the Lady of Lorien now, the only survivor, it seems, of the First Age. She has always irritated me - all her siblings, really, though I could not clearly say why. And the Nolofinweans were idiots, the males, stubborn and prideful idiots in Findekano's case and stubborn and over-cautious idiots in Turukano's case. I suppose Irisse was all right, though I never understood Turco's infatuation with her. As mentioned, of course, I have never had much patience for women, and for all her hunting, in her heart Aredhel is ruled by that organ too much for my taste. And - forgive me if it sounds callous - too much hold over Turco for my liking as well. He needs one strong influence, and I must and have been that. She would mislead him - well intentioned, of course! But mislead him nonetheless. That I cannot permit. I was, perhaps, the slightest bit relieved when the news of her death came and narrowed Turco's focus once more to what it should have been on - advancement and the recapture of the Silmarils.
Childhood Questions
1. What is your first memory?
My first memory is of my father, and his eyes. Those who have never seen them may not understand, but my Ata had the most compelling eyes - it was part of the spell he could cast. They were grey, as all ours, but sharper, brighter, darker. I first remember being held and meeting those eyes and knowing that I wanted my gaze to look like that when I was older. There are no feelings attached to this memory, though - no longing or admiration. Is that strange?
2. What was your favorite toy?
I loved the small tools Ata made for me, imitative of those of a smith. I alone ever showed interest in following his craft, and he encouraged it with delight. I couldn't make anything with those tools, but they were fine, and beautiful, and holding them in small hands I would think of growing up to be a smith to do my father proud. Those were the times I was happiest.
3. What was your favorite game?
A game? I played few games, I think...at least that I can remember. It is all so long ago, now, and separated both by years and changes in myself and the world. I best liked talking Turco into things, I suppose - I discovered early on the ways in which I could manipulate him, and it amused me as a child to push him this way and that until he would break and defiantly do just what I wanted him to, without ever knowing that he was doing it because I'd made him. That kind of power is - intoxicating, by many ways. Once I discovered I had it, I was reluctant to relinquish it. I tried the same with Caranthir, but he knew what I was doing. I suspect he could do the same himself, if he tried. Fortunately he does not, or he might be the most dangerous of all of us. And yes, these are things one must consider - which brothers are dangerous to one's goals, who must be curbed or stayed away from. I am not ashamed to say I know how to work my brothers to my will, every one, as I wish. Excepting, perhaps, Caranthir.
4. Any non-family member adults stick out in your mind? Who were they, and how did you know them? Why do they stick out?
I recognized the feud between Nolofinwe and my father, growing up, and therefore he was my enemy as well. I scrutinized him and recognized the weaknesses that others seemed not to notice. Maitimo was always close to his eldest, but I stayed away from them, approaching only to expand my knowledge. The more one knows about one's enemies, after all, the easier it is to undermine them. I knew their treachery masked by fair words and faces, and so I agreed with Ata's decision to burn the ships, the only of my brothers, I think, to do so without doubt. I have never changed my mind about that decision.
5. Who was your best friend when you were growing up?
Easily, and unsurprisingly, I think, I would say Turco. Our cousins were not fond of me nor I of them, and the two eldest brothers were too far from me in age, I think, to want to deal with me. Turco was at first simply fascinated with the prospect of having a smaller brother, and I think he appreciated having someone to follow. Doing what he is told is easy for him; making decisions, I think, not so much. Especially not wise ones.
6. What is your fondest childhood memory?
The first time Ata let me help him in the forge. I was afraid the whole time that I would make some terrible mistake and bring down his wrath or worse, disappointment. I did not, and he was pleased with me beyond reason. He did not smile often, my father, but I think he smiled then. He would have made me his heir, I think, if he could have.
7. What is your worst childhood memory?
Turco's dog never liked me. The first day Turco brought him home he growled like he would try to take my hand off. I didn't like the beast either, but I could have tolerated him, and did try, for Turco's sake - he loved it more than I think he should have. But when I first tried to pet the thing, it did bite me - took my hand and shook it like a rat, needle teeth drawing blood. That thing was devilishly intelligent, and I saw hatred in its eyes, then. I have never liked dogs since.
Morality Questions
1. What one act in your past are you most ashamed of? What one act in your past are you most proud of?
I do not look back, or I try not to. Regret, especially excessively, disgusts me. What is done cannot be undone, and so I strive not to think on it. Though if I had to choose one thing - I think I would say not nipping Turco's moodiness in the bud when it began to appear. He was brooding too much by the end, thinking too much on the past. Of 'righting wrongs' or some such foolishness. I shouldn't have allowed it. Proud of...hm. I do not think I can be proud of my work toward fulfilling the Oath. But I will allow myself to be proud for talking Nargothrond out of going to Findarato's aid, the fool. I didn't think he would go alone. His own stupid choice; I consider it no fault of mine that he perished for it. His oath was only made to an Edain, after all, and a different one that died centuries before.
2. Have you ever been in an argument before? Over what, with who, and who won?
I inherited my father's temper, though I disguise it better, perhaps. I have argued often and passionately with more people than I can count. Perhaps the most memorable are those with Caranthir. I am never entirely certain who wins, then.
3. Have you ever been in a physical fight before? Over what, with who, and who won?
This question is absurd. I have been in a war, of course I have been in a physical fight. Not to mention that arguments with Carnistir - at least for me - usually involve him throwing at least one punch.
4. What do you feel most strongly about?
Loyalty, and adherence to my father's wishes. We swore an Oath to him, and I take the fulfillment of that oath more seriously than, I think, anything else. Perhaps even the bonds to my brothers. If it were a choice between the Silmarils and the sacrifice of one of my siblings, I know which way I would go, because I know which I put first. Our father died for this; our lives, and even my own furtherance, are second to making certain he did not die for naught.
5. What do you pretend to feel strongly about, just to impress people?
I pretend to feel strongly about little. I don't have to. Most misconceptions that are made are managed without my help. I suppose I might say loyalty to my brothers, though. I value them, certainly, but not with the same fanatic zeal as Carnistir. Perhaps that is why we differ so often.
6. What trait do you find most admirable, and how often do you find it?
Most admirable? That is difficult. In others, or in myself? I appreciate control of one's emotions, the ability to be logical in difficult situations. In others, a willingness to be pushed this way or that is useful, as previously mentioned, but not particularly admirable. Perseverance, which I find sadly lacking in many cases - the willingness to pursue a course without straying. This is where Makalaure and I differ, I think - he wishes often to turn from a path once he has taken it. I never will. A decision, once made, is a decision, and I follow where it leads.
7. Is there anything you think should not be incorporated into the media or art (sex, violence, greed, etc.,)? If so, what and why, and if not, why not?
I pay little attention to art. I have never understood the point. There is beauty to be found other places, and the things one makes in a forge are the best kind of beauty - the kind with an edge. Things that are simply lovely and decorative have no interest for me.
8. Do you have any feelings in general that you are disturbed by? What are they? Why do they disturb you?
I wonder sometimes if I feel too little. I do not remember, for example, grieving overmuch over Telvo's death. I regretted it, perhaps, but I didn't know he was on the ships, none of us did. So what use is it to mourn? I was never very in love with (Celebrimbor's mother), not in the way I think most reckon love. I was as fond of her as I was of any woman, but she was most useful in bearing me a son, who I suppose I did care for - but largely, as horrible as it may seem, inasmuch as I could mold him in my image, shape him to follow my paths should I suffer my father's fate. It is not that I feel nothing, no - only perhaps that I am seldom ruled by these more tender feelings, and I wonder if this is somehow - ill. It has never been different that I recall, though, so there is little use in lingering on it.
9. What is your religious view of things? What religion, if any, do you call your own?
The Valar have abandoned us; I see no reason not to abandon them as well. We live or die on our own ground now, and I think it may be better for us.
10. Do you think the future is hopeful? Why?
The future is much the same as the past has been - it will be what it has been. Some things will change, of course, but overall - I do not think the settled order will change, save that the Dark Lord may fall if we are granted some luck.
11. Is an ounce of prevention really worth a pound of cure? Which is more valuable? Why do you feel this way?
I would rather kill a man before he stabs me in the back than have him executed after. I believe that suffices as answer.
12. What's the worst thing that can be done to another person? Why?
To be forced into a betrayal of that he holds most important. I know I could not stand to break my oath, and though I think that nothing could make me if something did I would fear it more than any death or pain or imprisonment. Of course, all terrible things are done to someone at one point or another, and the end does justify the means.
13. What's the worst thing you could actually do to someone you hated?
If I hated someone, I can think of few ways in which I would not be willing to make them suffer. My enmity is as formidable as that of my father, and I will never shy away from the pain of those who have earned it from me.
14. Are you a better leader or follower? Why do you think that? If you think the whole leader-follower archetype is a crock of shit, say so, and explain why?
A leader. This should have been obvious, unless you are truly dense. I control other people nearly automatically, and I think that is as it should be - I know more than most of the idiots I encounter, and understand better how to keep things moving forward. I may feel less, but I am also less distracted, and therefore better qualified. There is nothing else I can say.
15. What is your responsibility to the world, if any? Why do you think that?
My responsibility to the world? I think that this question is as ridiculous as some of the others. My responsibility is not to the world; my responsibility is to my father and to myself. Nothing more. I, at least, will make no pretense at working for the greater good of the world; for my brothers, perhaps, or at least my elder brother, but it is the oath that comes first for me, always.
16. Do you think redemption is possible? If so, can anyone be redeemed, or are there only certain circumstances that can be? If not, why do you think nothing can redeem itself?
I think redemption is unnecessary. What's done is done. Why waste time trying to 'make up for it' when one should be moving on with one's life? Maitimo himself could do with brooding on this less, I think. It might be healthy. All of my siblings, most likely - it comes of thinking of the past, something which I am reluctant to do.
17. Is it okay for you to cry? When was the last time you cried?
I have not cried for a very long time, and am not sure that I ever have, save, perhaps, briefly when Ata died. Even then, though, I think it was more anger than anything. I remember no tears.
18. What do you think is wrong with MOST people, overall?
Excessive emotion. Too many let themselves be controlled by weak emotions like guilt, or fear, or sorrow. One can do little in the throes of strong emotion. Anger can be powerful, but the former do nothing but mire one in a muck of filth and self-pity. There is nothing so despicable as self-pity, I think, and I disdain any who cling to it as so many tend to do, as though it were a defense from the world or some such. I count myself fortunate in never having struggled with either.
Miscellaneous Questions
1. What is the thing that has frightened you most? Do you think there is anything out there that's scarier than that? What do you think that would be?
The one thing that has frightened me most...I cannot remember having been afraid in recent history. Save perhaps after Ata's death, when I feared that my brothers would stray and scatter, as it seemed for a time we would. If we had, though, I would have kept the Oath alone, somehow. In the more traditional sense...I suppose losing my will, or the prospect of it, has always frightened me. I am nearly certain that the Enemy himself could not break my will, but I would never wish to take the chance, and the thought of it makes me shudder.
2. Has anyone or anything you've ever cared about died? How did you feel about it? What happened?
Yes; my littlest brother Telvo died in the fires set to the ships at Losgar. I remember when I realized feeling first surprise, and then nothing. Carnistir was terribly angry, but I had not known; of course I would have held back had I known, but it was an accident, and accidents happen and must be accepted. I felt a touch guilty for the lack of grief, after some time, but it lasted only a short time. I stayed with my father in that time, who I think did grieve, contrary to my siblings' thoughts. But yes...I felt little. Perhaps a touch of sorrow for the surviving twin, for Pityo, but Telvo made his choice and died for it - I was sorry, but that was all.
3. What was the worst injury you've ever received? How did it happen?
I can no longer remember. One is injured often in war. I do remember dying, though; remember the way things blurred and ran together and the way my own entrails felt on my arms trying to hold myself together. One never realizes how long it takes to die until one does it. The thought does not disturb me now, no - death is death.
4. How ticklish are you? Where are you ticklish?
...if I were ticklish, I do not think I'd be inclined to tell you, or anyone, where.
5. What is your current long term goal?
I have no real long term goal. I wait, I suppose, though for what I hardly know. I don't know the outcome of the world outside. Maitimo claimed we regained one Silmaril. What of the other two, then? Perhaps that is what I wait for. Perhaps that is why I cannot have peace, because I don't know if I can let go of the Oath in truth just yet.
6. What is your current short term goal?
To stay sane. It proves difficult, in this silent place of limbo and eternal rest. I am not made to be still and quiet.
(skip questions)
14. What is the most frightening potential handicap or disfigurement you can conceive of? What makes it so frightening?
I would hate to lose my tongue. To lose my ability to speak. Even if I could no longer walk or move, if I could talk I could find ways to get what I want. That sounds sinister, perhaps, and maybe it is, but that matters little to me - the question was asked. It matters not what some will say, it will always be speech and rhetoric that convinces the doubters.
My family requires more explanation than I care to take the time to explain. We loved each other, I suppose, in our ways. Difficult as some of my siblings may find that to believe. I have never been so emotional as Turco or Carnistir. But I cared about my brothers, yes. Of course I had favorites. But doesn't everyone?
2. Who was your father, and what was he like?
My father...how does one describe my father? He was a great Elf, perhaps the greatest that has ever been. I know many disapproved of his ways, or hated him, ever - he and Carnistir were never on the best of terms - but I loved him well, and learned most of the things I know at his hands. He shaped me, I believe, as he would have shaped all my brothers had they given the chance. But they have always been too foolish and reckless to consider the long term.
3. Who was your mother, and what was she like?
On the other hand, my mother and I were never close. As the fourth of their children, it was the last days of their happiness and when Ata claimed me for his own my mother relinquished control of my education gladly. My memories of her are fuzzy and vague as none of my memories of Ata are. I do get my quiet from her, though, or so I am told, and my voice. In brief, though - I am sure she loved me, but I feel little for her, as cold as it may sound. Excessive feeling has always been the province of my brothers, though, and I live better than they without it.
4. What was your parents marriage like? Were they married? Did they remain married?
I have heard that my parents were well in love when they met and were mated, but I never saw it. The divisions between them had grown deep. My father was, perhaps, a difficult man for a woman to love, and maybe I can appreciate this, but I suppose I thought less of her for not trying. I have never been much of one for women, though - I have little patience for their caprices and - like my brothers - emotions that seem to remove the existence of their brain.
5. What were your siblings names? What were they like?
Maedhros was the eldest. We didn't speak much - I suppose he thought me careless, or else was too often distracted by his own overwhelming sense of duty and responsibility. Maedhros wanted to do everything himself. If he could have learned to delegate, he might have been a stronger leader. Makalaure was the dreamer, but at least he thought about things, looked before he leapt. I appreciated that, if not his tendency toward melancholy. Then there was Turco. Turco has been my favorite brother, largely because I can talk him into nearly anything. I know that must sound terribly callous and selfish, and I grant you the latter, but if it weren't for me Turco would never have gotten anywhere. Easily distracted and dense thing that he is, he needs a strong influence and guiding hand, and I can provide that - and get his aid in my own purposes. I may have my father's charisma, but something about Turco's passion is infectious. And Caranthir, my younger brother - I do not think we will ever get along. He has all of Turco's temper and none of his - well, gullibility. He is too headstrong and wild for me to guide him the proper way. Perhaps I have too much of our father in me for him. And finally, the twins, who I never really got to know - I suppose I can tell them apart, if I try, but it's not something I tend to think about. Easier to think of them as one person.
6. What's the worst thing one of your siblings ever did to you? What's the worst thing you've done to one of your siblings?
I am fairly sure that my siblings would have a long list of the wrongs I have done them - excepting Turco. Turco, I do not think would ever think ill of me. It is one of his charms, perhaps. I can't recall any particular wrongs done me, though I'm sure Carnistir has broken things of mine in a temper - as he has everyone's, I think. But that is another matter.
7. When's the last time you saw any member of your family? Where are they now?
Scattered. I don't know, in all honesty - they might be anwhere, for all I know and perhaps for all I care. This limbo is curious enough; dull, certainly, but also painless, and there seems to be little to be done. I suffer from an increasing sense of apathy. Little has, perhaps, ever really mattered to me in a significant way - not the way things have to others of my siblings. It has only worsened with the years, and even more with my death, no matter how temporary.
8. Did you ever meet any other family members? Who were they? What did you think of them?
My family is too large to summarize, so I will be brief - the Finarfinians and I never got along, most especially she known as the Lady of Lorien now, the only survivor, it seems, of the First Age. She has always irritated me - all her siblings, really, though I could not clearly say why. And the Nolofinweans were idiots, the males, stubborn and prideful idiots in Findekano's case and stubborn and over-cautious idiots in Turukano's case. I suppose Irisse was all right, though I never understood Turco's infatuation with her. As mentioned, of course, I have never had much patience for women, and for all her hunting, in her heart Aredhel is ruled by that organ too much for my taste. And - forgive me if it sounds callous - too much hold over Turco for my liking as well. He needs one strong influence, and I must and have been that. She would mislead him - well intentioned, of course! But mislead him nonetheless. That I cannot permit. I was, perhaps, the slightest bit relieved when the news of her death came and narrowed Turco's focus once more to what it should have been on - advancement and the recapture of the Silmarils.
Childhood Questions
1. What is your first memory?
My first memory is of my father, and his eyes. Those who have never seen them may not understand, but my Ata had the most compelling eyes - it was part of the spell he could cast. They were grey, as all ours, but sharper, brighter, darker. I first remember being held and meeting those eyes and knowing that I wanted my gaze to look like that when I was older. There are no feelings attached to this memory, though - no longing or admiration. Is that strange?
2. What was your favorite toy?
I loved the small tools Ata made for me, imitative of those of a smith. I alone ever showed interest in following his craft, and he encouraged it with delight. I couldn't make anything with those tools, but they were fine, and beautiful, and holding them in small hands I would think of growing up to be a smith to do my father proud. Those were the times I was happiest.
3. What was your favorite game?
A game? I played few games, I think...at least that I can remember. It is all so long ago, now, and separated both by years and changes in myself and the world. I best liked talking Turco into things, I suppose - I discovered early on the ways in which I could manipulate him, and it amused me as a child to push him this way and that until he would break and defiantly do just what I wanted him to, without ever knowing that he was doing it because I'd made him. That kind of power is - intoxicating, by many ways. Once I discovered I had it, I was reluctant to relinquish it. I tried the same with Caranthir, but he knew what I was doing. I suspect he could do the same himself, if he tried. Fortunately he does not, or he might be the most dangerous of all of us. And yes, these are things one must consider - which brothers are dangerous to one's goals, who must be curbed or stayed away from. I am not ashamed to say I know how to work my brothers to my will, every one, as I wish. Excepting, perhaps, Caranthir.
4. Any non-family member adults stick out in your mind? Who were they, and how did you know them? Why do they stick out?
I recognized the feud between Nolofinwe and my father, growing up, and therefore he was my enemy as well. I scrutinized him and recognized the weaknesses that others seemed not to notice. Maitimo was always close to his eldest, but I stayed away from them, approaching only to expand my knowledge. The more one knows about one's enemies, after all, the easier it is to undermine them. I knew their treachery masked by fair words and faces, and so I agreed with Ata's decision to burn the ships, the only of my brothers, I think, to do so without doubt. I have never changed my mind about that decision.
5. Who was your best friend when you were growing up?
Easily, and unsurprisingly, I think, I would say Turco. Our cousins were not fond of me nor I of them, and the two eldest brothers were too far from me in age, I think, to want to deal with me. Turco was at first simply fascinated with the prospect of having a smaller brother, and I think he appreciated having someone to follow. Doing what he is told is easy for him; making decisions, I think, not so much. Especially not wise ones.
6. What is your fondest childhood memory?
The first time Ata let me help him in the forge. I was afraid the whole time that I would make some terrible mistake and bring down his wrath or worse, disappointment. I did not, and he was pleased with me beyond reason. He did not smile often, my father, but I think he smiled then. He would have made me his heir, I think, if he could have.
7. What is your worst childhood memory?
Turco's dog never liked me. The first day Turco brought him home he growled like he would try to take my hand off. I didn't like the beast either, but I could have tolerated him, and did try, for Turco's sake - he loved it more than I think he should have. But when I first tried to pet the thing, it did bite me - took my hand and shook it like a rat, needle teeth drawing blood. That thing was devilishly intelligent, and I saw hatred in its eyes, then. I have never liked dogs since.
Morality Questions
1. What one act in your past are you most ashamed of? What one act in your past are you most proud of?
I do not look back, or I try not to. Regret, especially excessively, disgusts me. What is done cannot be undone, and so I strive not to think on it. Though if I had to choose one thing - I think I would say not nipping Turco's moodiness in the bud when it began to appear. He was brooding too much by the end, thinking too much on the past. Of 'righting wrongs' or some such foolishness. I shouldn't have allowed it. Proud of...hm. I do not think I can be proud of my work toward fulfilling the Oath. But I will allow myself to be proud for talking Nargothrond out of going to Findarato's aid, the fool. I didn't think he would go alone. His own stupid choice; I consider it no fault of mine that he perished for it. His oath was only made to an Edain, after all, and a different one that died centuries before.
2. Have you ever been in an argument before? Over what, with who, and who won?
I inherited my father's temper, though I disguise it better, perhaps. I have argued often and passionately with more people than I can count. Perhaps the most memorable are those with Caranthir. I am never entirely certain who wins, then.
3. Have you ever been in a physical fight before? Over what, with who, and who won?
This question is absurd. I have been in a war, of course I have been in a physical fight. Not to mention that arguments with Carnistir - at least for me - usually involve him throwing at least one punch.
4. What do you feel most strongly about?
Loyalty, and adherence to my father's wishes. We swore an Oath to him, and I take the fulfillment of that oath more seriously than, I think, anything else. Perhaps even the bonds to my brothers. If it were a choice between the Silmarils and the sacrifice of one of my siblings, I know which way I would go, because I know which I put first. Our father died for this; our lives, and even my own furtherance, are second to making certain he did not die for naught.
5. What do you pretend to feel strongly about, just to impress people?
I pretend to feel strongly about little. I don't have to. Most misconceptions that are made are managed without my help. I suppose I might say loyalty to my brothers, though. I value them, certainly, but not with the same fanatic zeal as Carnistir. Perhaps that is why we differ so often.
6. What trait do you find most admirable, and how often do you find it?
Most admirable? That is difficult. In others, or in myself? I appreciate control of one's emotions, the ability to be logical in difficult situations. In others, a willingness to be pushed this way or that is useful, as previously mentioned, but not particularly admirable. Perseverance, which I find sadly lacking in many cases - the willingness to pursue a course without straying. This is where Makalaure and I differ, I think - he wishes often to turn from a path once he has taken it. I never will. A decision, once made, is a decision, and I follow where it leads.
7. Is there anything you think should not be incorporated into the media or art (sex, violence, greed, etc.,)? If so, what and why, and if not, why not?
I pay little attention to art. I have never understood the point. There is beauty to be found other places, and the things one makes in a forge are the best kind of beauty - the kind with an edge. Things that are simply lovely and decorative have no interest for me.
8. Do you have any feelings in general that you are disturbed by? What are they? Why do they disturb you?
I wonder sometimes if I feel too little. I do not remember, for example, grieving overmuch over Telvo's death. I regretted it, perhaps, but I didn't know he was on the ships, none of us did. So what use is it to mourn? I was never very in love with (Celebrimbor's mother), not in the way I think most reckon love. I was as fond of her as I was of any woman, but she was most useful in bearing me a son, who I suppose I did care for - but largely, as horrible as it may seem, inasmuch as I could mold him in my image, shape him to follow my paths should I suffer my father's fate. It is not that I feel nothing, no - only perhaps that I am seldom ruled by these more tender feelings, and I wonder if this is somehow - ill. It has never been different that I recall, though, so there is little use in lingering on it.
9. What is your religious view of things? What religion, if any, do you call your own?
The Valar have abandoned us; I see no reason not to abandon them as well. We live or die on our own ground now, and I think it may be better for us.
10. Do you think the future is hopeful? Why?
The future is much the same as the past has been - it will be what it has been. Some things will change, of course, but overall - I do not think the settled order will change, save that the Dark Lord may fall if we are granted some luck.
11. Is an ounce of prevention really worth a pound of cure? Which is more valuable? Why do you feel this way?
I would rather kill a man before he stabs me in the back than have him executed after. I believe that suffices as answer.
12. What's the worst thing that can be done to another person? Why?
To be forced into a betrayal of that he holds most important. I know I could not stand to break my oath, and though I think that nothing could make me if something did I would fear it more than any death or pain or imprisonment. Of course, all terrible things are done to someone at one point or another, and the end does justify the means.
13. What's the worst thing you could actually do to someone you hated?
If I hated someone, I can think of few ways in which I would not be willing to make them suffer. My enmity is as formidable as that of my father, and I will never shy away from the pain of those who have earned it from me.
14. Are you a better leader or follower? Why do you think that? If you think the whole leader-follower archetype is a crock of shit, say so, and explain why?
A leader. This should have been obvious, unless you are truly dense. I control other people nearly automatically, and I think that is as it should be - I know more than most of the idiots I encounter, and understand better how to keep things moving forward. I may feel less, but I am also less distracted, and therefore better qualified. There is nothing else I can say.
15. What is your responsibility to the world, if any? Why do you think that?
My responsibility to the world? I think that this question is as ridiculous as some of the others. My responsibility is not to the world; my responsibility is to my father and to myself. Nothing more. I, at least, will make no pretense at working for the greater good of the world; for my brothers, perhaps, or at least my elder brother, but it is the oath that comes first for me, always.
16. Do you think redemption is possible? If so, can anyone be redeemed, or are there only certain circumstances that can be? If not, why do you think nothing can redeem itself?
I think redemption is unnecessary. What's done is done. Why waste time trying to 'make up for it' when one should be moving on with one's life? Maitimo himself could do with brooding on this less, I think. It might be healthy. All of my siblings, most likely - it comes of thinking of the past, something which I am reluctant to do.
17. Is it okay for you to cry? When was the last time you cried?
I have not cried for a very long time, and am not sure that I ever have, save, perhaps, briefly when Ata died. Even then, though, I think it was more anger than anything. I remember no tears.
18. What do you think is wrong with MOST people, overall?
Excessive emotion. Too many let themselves be controlled by weak emotions like guilt, or fear, or sorrow. One can do little in the throes of strong emotion. Anger can be powerful, but the former do nothing but mire one in a muck of filth and self-pity. There is nothing so despicable as self-pity, I think, and I disdain any who cling to it as so many tend to do, as though it were a defense from the world or some such. I count myself fortunate in never having struggled with either.
Miscellaneous Questions
1. What is the thing that has frightened you most? Do you think there is anything out there that's scarier than that? What do you think that would be?
The one thing that has frightened me most...I cannot remember having been afraid in recent history. Save perhaps after Ata's death, when I feared that my brothers would stray and scatter, as it seemed for a time we would. If we had, though, I would have kept the Oath alone, somehow. In the more traditional sense...I suppose losing my will, or the prospect of it, has always frightened me. I am nearly certain that the Enemy himself could not break my will, but I would never wish to take the chance, and the thought of it makes me shudder.
2. Has anyone or anything you've ever cared about died? How did you feel about it? What happened?
Yes; my littlest brother Telvo died in the fires set to the ships at Losgar. I remember when I realized feeling first surprise, and then nothing. Carnistir was terribly angry, but I had not known; of course I would have held back had I known, but it was an accident, and accidents happen and must be accepted. I felt a touch guilty for the lack of grief, after some time, but it lasted only a short time. I stayed with my father in that time, who I think did grieve, contrary to my siblings' thoughts. But yes...I felt little. Perhaps a touch of sorrow for the surviving twin, for Pityo, but Telvo made his choice and died for it - I was sorry, but that was all.
3. What was the worst injury you've ever received? How did it happen?
I can no longer remember. One is injured often in war. I do remember dying, though; remember the way things blurred and ran together and the way my own entrails felt on my arms trying to hold myself together. One never realizes how long it takes to die until one does it. The thought does not disturb me now, no - death is death.
4. How ticklish are you? Where are you ticklish?
...if I were ticklish, I do not think I'd be inclined to tell you, or anyone, where.
5. What is your current long term goal?
I have no real long term goal. I wait, I suppose, though for what I hardly know. I don't know the outcome of the world outside. Maitimo claimed we regained one Silmaril. What of the other two, then? Perhaps that is what I wait for. Perhaps that is why I cannot have peace, because I don't know if I can let go of the Oath in truth just yet.
6. What is your current short term goal?
To stay sane. It proves difficult, in this silent place of limbo and eternal rest. I am not made to be still and quiet.
(skip questions)
14. What is the most frightening potential handicap or disfigurement you can conceive of? What makes it so frightening?
I would hate to lose my tongue. To lose my ability to speak. Even if I could no longer walk or move, if I could talk I could find ways to get what I want. That sounds sinister, perhaps, and maybe it is, but that matters little to me - the question was asked. It matters not what some will say, it will always be speech and rhetoric that convinces the doubters.