Blah Blah Blah
I always know that when I really have something to say, LJ is here and that's more than a bit of a relief to be honest.
Long, meandering and musing post ahead... youve been warned!
I've been having a hard time going through the motions lately. Harder than usual. I dont feel particularly depressed, nor even particularly burned out, just unmotivated. In the extreme. One thing I've always managed to be is reliable, but I'm kind of skirting the edge on that one now.
Perhaps three weeks ago I nearly threw my back out (or more specifically my HIP according to the chiropractor) not from lifting wrong or carrying constant loads, but from swiveling back and forth. Read: several weeks constant weed-eating. I can make a good 7 or 8 foot swath of cut grass out of 4 or 5 foot dried up grass on uneven ground with a swing of a weedeater, (firecode for properties is 8 feet from the drive, 30 yards from the house. Some people think having their entire 40 acre LOT weedeated just looks better- and it does- but if you want to maintain ACERAGE, you need to invest in a tractor or field mower of some sort) but continuously doing one thing physical without changing the pattern wears me down rather quickly.
I can remember 12 and even 16 hour days of landscaping in NC, where the mugginess of 90 degrees and 90% humidity was twice as oppressive as the 105 weather here- but it was doing different things. Landscaping in my environs is just weedeating. Occasionally you might find a flat enough space to run a DR field mower, but rarely and only if the person whose property it is happens to own one. But the constant pattern of use finally caught up with me.
I was useless for a week, went back to work for two half days then laid out another week. Worked two full days this week (it was the fourth, so I didnt feel too bad about taking some time off) and I seemed to be better and ready to keep at it a while longer.
But I started thinking- what the fuck? Why am I still doing work I'm not particularly fond of? Dont get me wrong- I dont mind landscaping when it's actually landscaping; meaning working in yards, planting flowers in the spring and fall, occasionally aerating, fetilizing, mowing actual fucking grass on an actual fucking yard with an actual goddamned lawnmower. some of that I even enjoy.
then I realized that nothing else I was doing for money was anything I was particularly fond of. I mean, Ive enjoyed learning how to cut and lay tile and it's nice to know how to install a leech field and plumbing system for people like me who live off the grid... everything Ive learned how to do since Ive been here, including all sorts of odd little jobs from helping to add a new room both to the cabin I rent and my sister's place to digging levies in overflowing ponds to cutting and splitting firewood (something I never had to do in the city!) Ive enjoyed learning it all. Doing these kind of odd jobs for people has let me make enough to get by and be fairly comfortable (and make more than I ever made working on the east coast) but I dont want to be doing this five years down the road to make a living...
Throwing my back out (or hip, but the pain sure felt like it was in my back, Mr. chiropractor) kind of made me realize: why the fuck should I suffer doing something I dont want to do?
I know stopping doing it isnt the answer- I still need to make money. But I cant keep on keeping on like Ive been doing most of my adult life.
It's no longer a question really of if I should try something else- it's starting to become an issue of needing to. It's not something I can keep putting off because maybe it wont work or maybe I'm not good enough to do it and Im doing ok like this anyway or blah blah... it's something where I feel like if I dont try something now I'll never get around to it. I think I'm honestly at the point where I have to take a leap of faith and go for it or I will just end up in a rut for the next 30-40 years always cursing myself for NOt going for it.
And Im starting to get a similar inkling when it comes to members of the opposite sex. I've been in some sort of relationship hibernation for years, assuring myself that 'well if something comes along...' but too frustrated and jaded by foul experience to actively LOOK.
I ask myself- do I want a family- do I want kids? I honestly dont know. I like the idea, but I honestly dont know. I do know though that I dont want to be 40 then suddenly decide I'm ready to be a dad. I need to figure it out. My dad was 35 when I was born, (just three years older than I am now- scary) and by the time I was 10 he was 45 and not really all that into throwing around the baseball or being in some way active with his kid... maybe it was from working too much or maybe it was because I was the youngest of three kids he was raising on his own, but I know that by the time I got to the age where I wanted to do stuff with my dad- he was burned the hell out already. No, I'm not blaming the parent (if I was I would mention the lack of positive reinforcement ;) He was honestly a great guy and a good role model- I could tell he was tired and exhausted, and you cant blame a person for that... but you remember the things you miss out on when you are a kid, and you hope that if you have one that you can provide them with those things...
Wherein lies the problem of I live in the middle of fuckig NOWHERE and meeting a potential mating partner is not a good likelihood. I have had perhaps 2 more than a day long crushes since Ive lived here, but neither of those panned out. Either I lost interest or the interest wasnt mutual.
I'm obviously going to have to branch out and consider non-locals. This would mean either I would have to be willing to eventually move or they would. To be honest, I love where I live, but I dont think Id have a problem moving if I met someone I was really into.
Anyhow, speaking of living out in BFE- I have to taper this meandering mess to an end while I still have some electricity left in my house.
Long, meandering and musing post ahead... youve been warned!
I've been having a hard time going through the motions lately. Harder than usual. I dont feel particularly depressed, nor even particularly burned out, just unmotivated. In the extreme. One thing I've always managed to be is reliable, but I'm kind of skirting the edge on that one now.
Perhaps three weeks ago I nearly threw my back out (or more specifically my HIP according to the chiropractor) not from lifting wrong or carrying constant loads, but from swiveling back and forth. Read: several weeks constant weed-eating. I can make a good 7 or 8 foot swath of cut grass out of 4 or 5 foot dried up grass on uneven ground with a swing of a weedeater, (firecode for properties is 8 feet from the drive, 30 yards from the house. Some people think having their entire 40 acre LOT weedeated just looks better- and it does- but if you want to maintain ACERAGE, you need to invest in a tractor or field mower of some sort) but continuously doing one thing physical without changing the pattern wears me down rather quickly.
I can remember 12 and even 16 hour days of landscaping in NC, where the mugginess of 90 degrees and 90% humidity was twice as oppressive as the 105 weather here- but it was doing different things. Landscaping in my environs is just weedeating. Occasionally you might find a flat enough space to run a DR field mower, but rarely and only if the person whose property it is happens to own one. But the constant pattern of use finally caught up with me.
I was useless for a week, went back to work for two half days then laid out another week. Worked two full days this week (it was the fourth, so I didnt feel too bad about taking some time off) and I seemed to be better and ready to keep at it a while longer.
But I started thinking- what the fuck? Why am I still doing work I'm not particularly fond of? Dont get me wrong- I dont mind landscaping when it's actually landscaping; meaning working in yards, planting flowers in the spring and fall, occasionally aerating, fetilizing, mowing actual fucking grass on an actual fucking yard with an actual goddamned lawnmower. some of that I even enjoy.
then I realized that nothing else I was doing for money was anything I was particularly fond of. I mean, Ive enjoyed learning how to cut and lay tile and it's nice to know how to install a leech field and plumbing system for people like me who live off the grid... everything Ive learned how to do since Ive been here, including all sorts of odd little jobs from helping to add a new room both to the cabin I rent and my sister's place to digging levies in overflowing ponds to cutting and splitting firewood (something I never had to do in the city!) Ive enjoyed learning it all. Doing these kind of odd jobs for people has let me make enough to get by and be fairly comfortable (and make more than I ever made working on the east coast) but I dont want to be doing this five years down the road to make a living...
Throwing my back out (or hip, but the pain sure felt like it was in my back, Mr. chiropractor) kind of made me realize: why the fuck should I suffer doing something I dont want to do?
I know stopping doing it isnt the answer- I still need to make money. But I cant keep on keeping on like Ive been doing most of my adult life.
It's no longer a question really of if I should try something else- it's starting to become an issue of needing to. It's not something I can keep putting off because maybe it wont work or maybe I'm not good enough to do it and Im doing ok like this anyway or blah blah... it's something where I feel like if I dont try something now I'll never get around to it. I think I'm honestly at the point where I have to take a leap of faith and go for it or I will just end up in a rut for the next 30-40 years always cursing myself for NOt going for it.
And Im starting to get a similar inkling when it comes to members of the opposite sex. I've been in some sort of relationship hibernation for years, assuring myself that 'well if something comes along...' but too frustrated and jaded by foul experience to actively LOOK.
I ask myself- do I want a family- do I want kids? I honestly dont know. I like the idea, but I honestly dont know. I do know though that I dont want to be 40 then suddenly decide I'm ready to be a dad. I need to figure it out. My dad was 35 when I was born, (just three years older than I am now- scary) and by the time I was 10 he was 45 and not really all that into throwing around the baseball or being in some way active with his kid... maybe it was from working too much or maybe it was because I was the youngest of three kids he was raising on his own, but I know that by the time I got to the age where I wanted to do stuff with my dad- he was burned the hell out already. No, I'm not blaming the parent (if I was I would mention the lack of positive reinforcement ;) He was honestly a great guy and a good role model- I could tell he was tired and exhausted, and you cant blame a person for that... but you remember the things you miss out on when you are a kid, and you hope that if you have one that you can provide them with those things...
Wherein lies the problem of I live in the middle of fuckig NOWHERE and meeting a potential mating partner is not a good likelihood. I have had perhaps 2 more than a day long crushes since Ive lived here, but neither of those panned out. Either I lost interest or the interest wasnt mutual.
I'm obviously going to have to branch out and consider non-locals. This would mean either I would have to be willing to eventually move or they would. To be honest, I love where I live, but I dont think Id have a problem moving if I met someone I was really into.
Anyhow, speaking of living out in BFE- I have to taper this meandering mess to an end while I still have some electricity left in my house.