One reason I just assumed that conditioner wasn't actually good for anything:
From ages 0-20, I always had short hair. I tried conditioner a couple times for the lulz back then, and it just felt kind of slimy when I did that. It never tangled much when it was only a four inches long at most.
So I just got awarded that NSF postdoctoral fellowship I've been kinda wanting. It's all politics after all, I guess. But I'll try to give them their money's worth.